New here: need advice on what to do with 18 year old son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Amiranda2, May 8, 2012.

  1. Amiranda2

    Amiranda2 New Member

    Short version: son was stealing, smoking marijuana and doesn't really care if he graduates. He had to drop out of regular high school due to truancy and enroll in an alternative school where I thought he was doing ok until I found yesterday that he also missed a few days and now has been subpoena for the 3rd time for failure to attend school.
    Im not sure how to help him. I know that part of his problem is watching his father struggle with drug addiction. His father has since gone to rehab and has been sober. We attended family counseling sessions as a part if his rehab. The counselor recommended continued counseling for him but he has refused to go.
    I don't know what happened, since 9th grade he has been making wrong choices. He used to play sports, have good friends.
    U have begged, cried, pleaded, yelled and talked calmly with him about his choices and how they will affect his life. He doesn't seem to care. He has a job a fast food and has kept, not sure how because he does go in late and calls in, has a girlfriend who is in no better position than he is, she was court ordered to get her GED because of truancy. He has no plans for his future.
    I just don't know what to do, how to motivate him. We had an argument because of the subpoena he received. I don't know if this judge is going to let him graduate. He technically has received all his credits for graduation all we are waiting for is results of the state test, if he passes then he graduates.
    The last thing he said to us was I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted. Any advice on how to handle this. Some people have told me to let him fail but it's so hard watching your son fail in life. U just don't know how to help if he won't let me.
  2. teatime

    teatime New Member

    I'm so sorry! Sending big hugs to you! My son was/is the same way and now he's 24. The only advice I can give you is not to push college at this point. He'll probably get his diploma (mine did the same exact thing and he finished up, got his diploma) and he may tell you that he does want to go to college and he'll change there. Mine didn't. He wasted a lot of time and money and never got a degree. And now he has defaulted on a bunch of student loans.

    You may have to let him go off on his own, sink or swim. I honestly thought mine was doing fine in college because I never received letters or anything that would lead me to believe he wasn't. When I discovered the truth, it blew me away. And now he has dug himself a huge hole it will be hard to climb out of. He was living a lie. Your son may rise to the occasion and surprise you by how much he will change or he may fail and lead a sad existence. But he's got to decide for himself.

    My son is still struggling and I am in no position to offer a lot of advice to others, lol. Heck, I have no idea what's going to become of him. But if I could have done one thing over, it would have been to NOT encourage him to go to a big university, even though he was admitted. He wasn't ready, he didn't have the motivation or commitment, and it was the first wrong choice in a series of bad choices and situations since he was 18.

    I wish you all of the best!
  3. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Welcome to this board! I'm sorry that you are in crisis about your son. When kids smoke marijuana they usually lose all motivation and energy to do anything. Your son is probably not motivated to do anything because of his drug use. I know that you want to help to motivate him, but nothing that you say will work for him until he is not using drugs anymore. Please remember the 3 C's of drug abuse: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Your son will not change until HE decides that he is sick and tired of living this way, and he realizes that he wants to change.

    My son is 18 years old, and he started smoking weed several years ago. Unfortunately his drug use escalated from weed to pills and acid. His grades dropped in school and he lost most of his good friends and started hanging out with a new group of teens that we didn't even know. My h and I tried everything that we could to convince our son to enter rehab and get help for his drug problem. We begged, pleaded, screamed at him, tried to reason with him, and made bargains with our son, and absolutely nothing worked. He was out of control because of the drugs, and he eventually got arrested for theft, because he needed money for his habit. Our difficult child is in jail now, and this is the first time in a very long time that he is not using drugs and his mind is clear. He will have to pay serious consequences for the crimes he committed, but this was the only way for our son to get off drugs. I hope that you can get help for you son now, before it ruins his life.

    Take care, and keep posting on this board. HUGS...
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board. :)

    The best way you can help your to let him deal with whatever natural consequences come from the decisions he makes.

    You've dealt with addiction before. The same applies to your son. But it's harder because he is so much younger and our impulse is to rush in and rescue. As long as he's using drugs, any help you are tempted to offer should be thoroughly examined to be certain it won't enable his addiction or the behavior associated with it. (like I will offer you a home cooked meal, but I won't give you cash to buy food)

    At 18, we begin to learn the detachment process. We've spend the years up to this point teaching them and guiding them, and it's up to them once they reach adulthood.

    What you can do is decide the rules for an adult child living in your home, what behavior is and is not acceptable and the consequences for unacceptable behavior. But make certain you will be able to carry out those consequences when push comes to shove.

  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi Amiranda,
    Unfortunately, there's a legacy of drug use in your son's family, and that is of concern. Your son is unmotivated, hanging out with a not-too-swift group of friends, he's floundering in school, and hanging on to his job, just barely. By saying he's sorry that he's not the son you wanted, it's either a manipulation to make you feel guilty and back off, or he recognizes he's out of control, but doesn't know where to begin to do the hard work to change.

    There is usually a connection between sustained drug use (even marijuana) and the onset of mental issues in adolescents. Your son's extreme lack of motivation could be fueled by a mood disorder in addition to his self medication with pot. A qualified mental health specialist would be able to determine whether that's the case, but getting your son motivated to seek help may be very difficult given he's a legal adult at 18. It's tricky, but I would encourage you to tell him he needs to be evaluated, based on his drug use, etc., but he probably will tell you he just smokes occasionally, and doesn't want to get help. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
    I would counsel you to get therapy for yourself, to give you the encouragement and the tools you need to deal with all this. At some point, if your son doesn't seem motivated to help himself, you may need to make tough decisions. It doesn't help that he has a whole network of slackers surrounding him, and that he is comfortable underachieving at school and work and in his personal life. Depression and drugs saps the life out of anyone, particularly an 18 y/o who is unequipped and reluctant to see and work for positive things in his future. It's very discouraging, I know. Please try to go to a local narcotics anonymous meeting in your area, and speak to other parents who have been in your shoes, and continue posting here. All the best, and stay strong!
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Sounds exactly like my son!!! It is so very frustrating to watch them fail when we know they are capable of so much more. But, that is all we can do.

    Drugs impair emotional growth too. I have a 50ish step relative that was a pot head for many, many years. Now he is just down right lazy and not motivated to do anything, he blames this on his previous drug life. He has a BA and sells in a flea market on the weekends. He would be living with his dad if his dad would allow it. His mother pays his medical and dental bills.

    I refuse to support mine. I have family members that woukd have a fit if they knew about my difficult child, so I don't tell them. My daughter and my husband (not his father) know and they feel the same.

    It is not easy, but all of the pros say step back. Actually that is all you can do, he is an adult. Hopefully he will learn from his mistakes. Just like my difficult child, they do not listen to anyone.

    My son would always say to me, I know I am such a screw up, and I would reassure him he was not. Now looking back, yes it is manipulative.

    It is an emotionally draining experience so take care if your self
    (((blessings for us all)))
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Ok, I am a difficult child myself, over 18 yo (so my mom is a parent emeritus too).

    What the others said is you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't fix it.
    And in such a situation, life at home becomes unlivable for both of you, mother, son, and any other members.

    You can take steps to make life more manageable for everyone. It won't cure the problem, it won't make him without behavior problems. But it will make life at home livable for everyone.

    You have a huge Prevert's list of problems in your plate. Unfortunately, you cannot solve all of them at once.
    Remember, a difficult child-ish behavior didn't appear overnight, so it won't be fully manageable overnight either.
    It takes a lot of baby steps to get better.

    However, contrary to Star, I am careful with thought love.
    What made my difficult child-ish behavior manageable at home was taking everything one step at time.
    A difficult child-ish behavior is like black and white : he loves or he hates, he is lovely or nasty etc etc... Grey areas are nearly non existant in life, I needed a great deal of time to learn them.
    So you have to take account of it in order not to fuel the problems.

    You won't tackle all the problems at once.
    So do it one tiny tiny step at time.

    At the beginning, you separate your priorities. Otherwise, you will make the police all the time, and instead of solving the problem, you fuel the problem.
    At the beginning, you separate the issues in three : what is absolutely non negotiable, what is preferred and what would it be in the ideal world. I will put traffic lights colors in order to make them easier to retain (any objection from a mod ?).
    The non negotiable rules are the rules you won't negotiate and enforce all the time. It is about health, safety and basic property. Keep it short, maximum three non negotiable rules at time. Consequences will apply only on these three non negotiable rules. You choose consequences only for these rules, and you forget the two other baskets at the moment.
    The preferred rules are what you prefer, but you won't put anyone in danger for it. For example, if he is oversensitive to clothing, naked body at home is unpleasant, but objectively, no one will be killed if he is naked in the corridor. I would say that they are unpleasant but harmless behaviors you will ignore at the moment.
    The what would be the ideal world rules are what you would wish for your son in an ideal world. But since world is not perfect, fighting over it won't bring anything.
    Only separating the issues will spare you plenty of energy, so plenty of exhaustion.

    So, if we follow my reasoning, I see that the most problematic behaviors at the moment are smoking pot, stealing and an underlying medical condition.
    So, if I were you, I would make non negotiable : stealing, smoking pot and having medical care. It will be your three non negotiable conditions for your son to live at home. And you enforce only these three ones.
    I won't lie because I have a father who abuses substances, it will be energy consuming to enforce these three rules. So keep the non negotiable short.
    Give whatever consequences you think best only for these three rules. You will see the rent/chores.... after, because at the moment, he needs to stop pot to stop stealing, so he needs care for mental health.
    If you think "and he has to help with chores/rent/bills, and he has to find himself a job, and he has to stop insults and curse....", it won't be manageable also for you. Because it will be too much to enforce at once. Keep the list small and enforce only the non negotiable behaviors.
    So give consequences only for these three behaviors, it is the most important and the most urgent problem now.

    In the mean time, when he curses, insults.... disengage.
    Ignore him. Pretend you didn't see him, didn't hear him.
    Don't answer, it will be rewarding for him and encourage him to continue.
    Be careful with humor, as he may not respond well to this tactic, even.

    Each time he lies, you reply by a non judgmental, matter of fact sentence "I know you did it". So you avoid the "no I didn't", "yes you did" situation.
    However, be absolutely sure you are correct before stating it, otherwise it triggers lying.

    After, when he will be solid on his recovery road, receiving medical care for his condition and for his abuse, you will be able to think about the chores/rent/job/school....
    And solving these problems will be easier for you.
    But he needs to be stable first and foremost.

    Mom uses these tactics. We were 5 years without proper diagnosis and proper treatment. So in the mean time, we had to find solutions.
    These solutions didn't solve everything, it didn't make me "not a difficult child any more" like a magic bullet. However, it made and still makes home life livable for everyone, even for my mom. We still have to fine tune, but overall, life at home is livable (not perfect, but a pleasant life for both).
    So even if I am still a difficult child, my difficult child-ish being is much more manageable now than it was without medical care and with traditional solutions (traditional solutions, so enforcing only consequences in the name of thought love, made the problems worse than they already were. So I am very careful about thought love strategies : use with caution). So we started to think about chores, help at home, studies, housing.... after the diagnosis, because it was not doable before. I was too debilitated and too sick for it.
    It didn't happen overnight, but it happens and we are both happy.
    Of course, my younger sister is easy child, but my sister is my sister and I am not my sister.
    Of course, I didn't abuse substances, but I was very sick either. But hope exists.

    Hang in there, there is hope. It won't be easy, but hope exists.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    Unless an adult child is truly mentally incompetent, A minor child is one thing, but not a child who is over 18. I am not in favor of walking on eggshells around one or living our older years under the threat of discourse or worse from an adult difficult child. The only thing in my opinion to make an adult child who still acts like a child and is abusive grow up is to give them a timeline for leaving. If the adult is incapable of living independently, there are group homes and other services. But how many years can we give up when our grown chldren will not let us have any peace? I belielve we all deserve peace and harmony in our lives and eventually even our disabled children need to go elsewhere for primary care.

    My daughter tells me all the time that she may not have quit drugs or gotten her life on track if she had not been forced out. Yes, I cried for three straight weeks after she was gone, but seeing her now...with a college diploma, her own home, and a good career...I am happy I took the tough love path. In her opinion, it is not a good thing to coddle adult kids...they stay kids! Per her :)
  9. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    MWM, I hear your opinion.

    But in some cases, it won't work.
    Mom didn't cuddle me and make me "a child", and yes, before we could live a decent home life, with the right medical care (it was and it is still not as easy to get it), we walked on eggshells. Yes I had medical care, but no, I was truly unable to live independently and despite all the doing my best, it was not an option to kick me out and let me live my life.
    It was a huge effort for both to get a decent home life together.
    Now, we are preparing my living the nest. But we cannot rely on group home or such, because we lack of them.
    I had an appointment in another hospital yesterday and I can will followed with a specialized doctor in occupational medicine, to help me prepare my going back to university and my setting up in the world of jobs. Of course, my psychiatrist wanted to send me in a shelter work because "26 yo is too late to study at university", but this specialist of occupational medicine says that shelter work is not adapted for my needs. But still, I measure how lucky I am, because not many hospitals have such a ward, or any similar help.
    We lack services for mental health and disabled persons.

    I think that the main difference is that here in France, we lack of services for people unable to live by themselves.
    You have them and it's great. But if the US have more housing services for disabled people, it does not mean that it's the same in every state, and it does not mean that people can get them like that.

    Your point of view is a valid concern.
    But it also means that you can get services for it. Unfortunately, your idea can be followed if these kind of services can be provided. Unfortunately, we lack of such services (not because of insurance, as we have Social Security. But because there are not enough services like these, and it's not a question of Social Security).
    In the mean time, we can also do otherwise, it does not mean we baby them. An adult child with health conditions can lie at home without being babied.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you have no options for disabled people in France, in my opinion it's not valid for you to give advice to parents who live in countries that thankfully do have those options. You seem to be trying to talk people into keeping their grown children at home, when there are other options. That makes no sense to me. Do you think we should grown sick and old trying to take care of our grown children?

    in my opinion parents have the right to live peaceful and happy golden years, turning over their adult children's care to others. I do not think it is fair to expect elderly parents to take care of difficult difficult child adult children forever. I have no idea what France's medical community is thinking, but it doesn't seem that they are much like most other I'm not sure (again) what kind of help you can offer us. It is too bad that they have so little help over there. But we do have choices here.
  11. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Welcome Amiranda. Your story is ver similar to mine and apparently many others here. My son was sweet, said he loved me all the time, would kiss me good bye at school in front of his friends and loved doing things with me. Then he turned 14, 15...and started smoking pot, getting in trouble at school, missing school, getting suspended and eventually did not graduate do to truancy and just not giving a darn. He got his diploma a little to easily from the school district just by taking three classes in summer school and passing. Easy peasy, no real consequences. All of my talks with counselors, his teachers, monitoring his school work, where he was, who he was with, encouraging, loving...didn't make a bit of difference except wear me out completely. No different in Jr. College either except at least he finished a semester instead of dropping out. In my opinion, low self esteem associated with ADHD led him to make poor decisions and taking up smoking pot. He will be 19 in two weeks and I am waiting until his finals are over and then discussing his saving money to move out. If he wants to go back to college, he'll have to do the work to get it going without me as I refuse to invest any more time and emotion into his future when he won't. These are decisions that you will have to make as well. They just can't get out of their own way and move forward in healthy and productive ways right now and I am tired of having to watch it and worry about it 24/7 while he is out partying with his friends, going to concerts, movies, parties....and I am home losing sleep and tying myself up into knots. I feel for you, I really do because I am where you are too.
  12. mary Kay

    mary Kay New Member

    My name is Mary Kay you can refer to me as: MK. I found this website and I hope it will be helpful for me as well as I hope I can offer support to others as well. I have a son who will be 19 on 5-25. In his sophomore year of high school, he began smoking pot. At that time he refused to go to school, stay at a job etc... I reached out to personnel at his high school - they acted like "it's your problem". I found a pipe, mask and pot. I drove my son to a sober alternative school "Sobriety High" to register. He refused to get out of the car. I called the cops to help me get him in the door. He entered the door and did VERY well until the end of his junior year when the school closed down due to lack of funding!!!. That was in June, 2010. He has not completed high school yet. He goes out with friends and gets high and drinks. He has a part-time job. He promises he will complete high school on line but has not done so yet. We are allowing him to stay at home with-us if he finishes high school and gets a full-time job. We are encouraging hime to go to college and will support him with that as well. He is a good kid - don't get me wrong. He has a big heart and he can be very caring etc... when he doesn' smoke pot. He went and worked with-his dad today - works with him to improve lawns. Worked 3 hours with his dad today. Dad is usually calling me at work reporting that our son is still sleeping @ 4:30pm - won't walk the dog, should be looking for a full-time job and finish high school etc... Dad and I agreed we should check his back-pack that he carries around everywhere (wonder why??) to see if he is using which we both believe he has been using. When he and his dad went to work together, I checked his back pack - found one pipe, one bong, pot, a container to pack pot and a bag full of little baggies. Dealing??? I took it out of his back pack and hid it. When he came home, he took a shower and reported he was "going to play basketball" with his back pack.
    He left, came back very angry and asked where "the stuff" was. He reported that he was holding this in his backpack for a dealer who offered to give him $5.00 as the dealer got caught and was in jail. He reported that if he didn't get the stuff back, he was dead. This guy would kill him. At first, I told him i would not give it back and told him he needed to leave our house- because he was now putting his family in jeopardy. He yelled in my face "you xxxx"
    don't you understand, I'm dead if I don't give that back!!!. I found it, threw it at him and told hime he needed to leave our house. He yelled fine - don't want to live here anyway - I can't believe you went into my backpack - you treat me like a child. He left after that with his backpack. Do you think I was wrong to kick him out? He refuses to go to treatment etc...
    Lasted edited by : May 15, 2012
  13. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Welcome MK. We have alot in common down to our son's birthday's. You did the right thing in kicking him out. It was a long time coming. He needs to stay out and deal with his choices and behaviour toward you the hard way. I wish I had kept my son out for a longer period of time than I did because nothing really changed except he did get his diploma and is just now finishing his first full semester of Jr. College, with very little concern about his grades. He is almost 19 with no direction trying to make easy money selling pot and getting some free stuff with it, disrespected you and uses your house as a crash pad. If you are paying for his cell I would try and see who he talks to and then shut it off. Let him see what life will hold for him with no education, no soft place to land and no one that cares about him like you do. His choices.....maybe put some of his things in a trash bag on the front door that he can pick up, but that's it and make sure he cannot get back into the house with a key. Be strong, seek help and support for yourself because you will need it and come here often. Happy Mother's Day from one mom to another.
  14. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    I don't tell them that they have to do it. I say that other solutions can exist, and that kicking is not the only solution which exists.
    But that other solutions exist, and that it is not compulsory to kick out just because everyone does it.

    Also, it's not because these services exist that these services are right what the family needs/the child needs. It's not because these services are perfectly right for the person on the paper that they suit the person's need in the reality.
    It's not because such a service exist that the family/person can get it, nor that it suits the person/family needs.
    I have been there done that and more than once, I warn you against this mistake. It's déjà vu for me.

    The right solution for the family is the solution which works for her. If it's a solution which worked for someone else but the same solution does not work for the family, then it's not the right solution for the family.
    I wish it were simple as that, but to have been there done that, I know it's not simple as that.

    Think also that this board forum is read not only in the States, but it can also be read from someone else outside the US, in countries that do lack such services.

    If the person feels right to kick out, she can do it. If she feels wrong about it, she feels wrong about it and it is still respectable to think so.

    The person has the right to feel wrong about kicking his child out without being considered as an irresponsible parent who disservices his child and who wants to baby his child.

    Every family is different, every family walk in different shoes. So we have to give all the possible solutions to the parents, then it's up to the parents to choose which solution fits best for their child and their situation.

    My feeling is that we have to give out all the existing possibilities to the person. Then, it's up for her to choose between all the existing solutions.
    Exactly like a doctor who has to give all the possible options for treating a disease, then the patient has his word to say. After all, you would not accept that a doctor does not fully inform you about all available solutions for a problem X just because he has prejudices against a solution.
    I react the same with a parent who comes desperate because of their child problem. I expect the same if I were in a similar situation, to be given all the possible options. Especially these I would never had thought about with my lonely brain. Then, I choose.

    What I say is that kicking out is not the only available solution. Other solutions exist, and I have to tell them.
    Since you know well the solution of kicking out a child, I let you give it, as I don't know this solution as well as you. You are the experts in this solution, I am not at all. So I let you the microphone for it.
    In the mean time, I give all the info about the building a decent relationship at home with an adult child without babying the child, solution I know better.

    So I have no problem with your advice of kicking out. It is what worked for you, it is what you feel best, you walked in these shoes. It's your absolute right.

    My experience is not the same, and that kicking out is not the only solution for a similar problem. It is a possibility, but it's not a panacea (comes from Greek, means an universal solution).
    Other solution exist, we can inform the person and then, we let her choose what she feels best. If she feels best about kicking out, no problem. If she feels best about keeping her child at home and continuing to try to help her, no problem.

    If we can avoid the one size fits all, then let avoid the one size fits all. Administration are enough in such a pattern, let try to avoid it.
    Last edited: May 13, 2012
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing.

    My daughter who used to abuse drugs (and is a wealth of information now t hat she has quit) has told me that "if you use, you sell." And she now tells me that she was also in danger...people were out to hurt her. So it's definitely possible, yet it is his fault because of his lifestyle (just as it was my daughter's).

    We made Daughter leave because the cops kept coming over (she had also already been on probation twice and nothing had changed). My two yougest were afraid of her because she would get violent when she was high. She even put her hand through the window and both of the little guys were hysterical. Once she left, she called her big brother and he agreed to let her stay in his basement under very strict conditions, and, since s he knew how conservative he was, she listened to him! He was in another state so she cut her ties with the thugs. She is clean now going on almost nine years, has a college degree, and her own house (with her boyfriend). She has a good career. in my opinion keeping them home while they self-destruct makes it easy for them to continue.

    According to my daughter she would not have quit if we hadn't made her leave. We did not know she would end up with her very straight brother when we made her leave...she actually had contempt for his lifestyle. But that's how she coped with it. They all seem to find places to stay. They can always come back if they decide to seek treatment and cut out the dope. Your son talking to you that way...using that word...there is no reason for you to put up with that.

    I know how hard it is. (((Hugs)))!
  16. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    MWM, again, I am happy that the solution you chose worked for your daughter and your family.

    But it may not work for someone else. I wish miracle solutions exist, but they unfortunately don't exist.

    In the mean time, let give all the solution who exist, and it's up to the family to choose which solution is right for them.
    To have been there done that, thought love is something we have to be very careful with, as it worsens the situation more often than not. So I think we have to use it at homeopathic dose.
    We can make a person change without thought love and without enabling her. It exists, and it may work where everything else failed.

    I also forgot to mention intervention, like here. I will put this solution in place for my father's substance abuse, as any other solution did not work. I cannot drag him to the doctor, threats even followed worsen the situation, kicking him out of my life was a short relief long grief solution.
    I sent my dad to a medical exam for his license, it was a slight beginning but it's only a band on a wooden leg. It is only a beginning, I cannot rely only on it.
    So I need to try something else, and I can only hope that it will be the right solution for him and for us. After all, he does not expect love, he expects only blame for his difficult child behavior.
    I do it because I love my father unconditionnally. He is my father, he tried and failed, he was blamed by his wife, mom, doctors, psychologists...., so yes, I keep up because I don't conceive to give up. He received a lot of blame, yet it didn't make him change. Other solutions exist, we will find the right one.
    Simply put, as mom taught me, simply changing my own perspective can lead to the biggest and most lasting changes. I could change because by changing perspective and working one step at time, we could lead to the biggest and most lasting changes.
    I can only do the same and I already see a more peaceful relationship with dad. It also helped with detachment, as dumb as it seems.

    See, MWM, I didn't know the solution of intervention before reading here. I thought that I exhausted all the solutions available. I didn't exhausted everything, so yes, I keep hope to lead some change on this with dad.
    It won't be easy, but I keep hope.
    I am waiting for my sister to be back home and in the mean time, I prepare my idea.
    If I give up, everyone gives up in this family.

    I try to react on the same way with another family coming here.
    I also work on inform and let choose a lot by going there and trying to help the others, you for example. It is a skill I need to work on again and again.
    It comes easier day after day, one day at time. One step after one step.
    Last edited: May 13, 2012
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member thing I think you have to remember is that you are not a parent so you are coming from a different perspective than a parent. Parents give parenting advice to parents generally here though on the rare occasions some of us who have been difficult child's as younger kids/teens/ or adults will also add in their experiences. We dont normally attract young adult difficult child's. There are boards on the internet for people who have ADHD.
  18. Amiranda2

    Amiranda2 New Member

    Thank you and everyone who has shared their story and advice. We found out the other day that he did not pass the state mandated test therefore will not and cannot walk the stage. He can retake the test in July and if he is successful then he may participate in August ceremonies.
    I feel more comforted that I am not the only one going through this. I am sad and disappointed that he will not experience graduation like his friends but I have come to realize that this is his choice. We gave him so many opportunities to change to make better choices but he choose not to listen and do whatever he wanted. I asked him in 9th and 10th grade what he was going to do if he didn't graduate and how he would feel, I remember clearly him answering that wasn't going to happen. I hate to say I told you so, but look where we are now.
    He seemed upset and disappointed with himself after I told him he didn't pass, he did say he would try summer school remediation classes and retake the test in July, however I don't know how much effort he will put into it. Last time he took it he missed it by one question this time he did worse and missed it by 4 questions.
    I can only hope and pray that that he realizes one day he all the nagging, yelling, grounding, etc was because I wanted more for him life, I know he is capable of so much more he just doesn't see it.
    We actually are drug testing him every 2 weeks and he knows that one failed test and he is out. Not much more I can do for him at this point.
    Thanks again for all your replies it helps to "talk" to someone who know exactly what I am going through.
  19. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this stressful time (((hugs))). My son started at a very early age to give me a fit with skipping school and sneaking out. He was in band and skipped the practices (I was at work and didn't know he wasn't going), ate the candy he was suppossed to sale and I was yelled at as a worthless mother by the band leader so I paid the moey back. I met with his teachers hen he had skipped for 2 weeks and they were so rude that he coukd skio and I didn't know it. They had never lived with this manipulative kid.
    He started out gifted math and science and hated school. When he turned 16 I drove him to take the GED and I sat in the car both days to make sure he stayed and actually took the test.
    I would not wish a child like this on my worse enemy. Take care of yourself, there is nothing you can do!!!