Thank you everyone for giving me such a warm welcome!
And I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get back on here and reply.
April1974, I especially liked your message. I have actually made the decision to NOT COMPLAIN AT ALL to my mother or my close friends because I know that they are so sick of hearing about it. husband seems to "shut down" when I start talking about it. I also have found myself wishing that J (my 5 year old son) had never been born. I don't know how it would be possible for me to feel any other way about him when all he has caused me is stress, anxiety, and unhappiness in my life.
I will give you the "highlights" about my son:
-He lacks independence. Since he was a toddler, he has always had this expectation that an adult should be entertaining him ALL THE TIME.
-I would describe his personality as "hot and firey" (he has red hair, not sure if this has anything to do with it or not). He very quickly reacts in anger. For example, recently I was breastfeeding the baby and he asked for a drink of water. I told him that I was just about done feeding his sister and then I would get him some water. His reaction was to go into a full out tantrum. WTH?!!!! He's 5 years old, I can understand that he might be a bit impatient, but a full out tantrum. Oh my gosh.
-This is the part that has really caused a lot of problems in our family: He has been very physically agressive and mean to his little brother since the day we brought his brother home from the hospital (almost 3 years ago). Family, friends and aquaintances have always said it was normal toddler jealousy. But I can tell you that this has gone way beyond what I would consider normal jealousy and resentment. For the first year of his brother's life, he would not stop hitting him. I TRIED EVERYTHING. Time outs, trying to talk and reason with him, ignoring the behaviour, yelling, doing the same thing to him that he was doing to his brother. Honestly, I just gave up. The message that I got from him is that "I am not going to stop hitting my baby brother no matter what you do so just give up, Lady." Honestly, what infant deserves to be hit for the entire first year of his life for no reason at all? No baby deserves that. No human being deserves that.
This agression with his brother has improved a little bit, but is still a problem. For example, just today, I was in the room next to my sons while they were watching their favourite TV show in the living room. The minute the TV show ended, I could here J's feet hit the floor and about 3 seconds later my other son was crying. I came into the room and K's face had 3 scratches down the side of it and he was lying on the floor crying.
I just don't get it. After his TV show is over, why does he feel the need to pounce on his little brother and injure him???????
I just want to scream.
J has been assessed as preschool and by the pediatrician. No diagnosis has ever been made. Right now the pediatrician just wants to monitor and make sure his behaviour is not worsening. In all honestly, I have seen improvement. But it is very SLOW improvement.
I live my life in a constant state of "survival mode."
I often feel like I deserve the worst mother of the year award. But recently I have begun to think that actually my son deserves the worst kid of the year award.