Hi I am a new member. I've been searching for a place that is safe and can possible give me some guidance. My story is lengthy but I'll try to tell as much as I can so maybe someone has some advice. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Exposing myself to strangers seeking guidance. I have 5 daughters from my first marriage. I ended up meeting someone and I was in a toxic relationship for 12 years and didn't know how to excape out of fear. I was physically, mentally and verbal abuse. He was a sick man but I ended up finding out he was sicker than what I thought. He was the type of person that could making you believe anything. I was very unhappy with him and my kids hated him but I feared if I left he would hurt or kill one or all of us. I dealt with some much abuse and I thought by me taking the abuse I was protecting my kids from it. He was never physically abusive to them but he was mentally and verbally abusive. This is going to get a little personal and I hope I don't offend anyone but I'm trying to set the scene of my life at that time to help you get a clear picture. After I moved in with him a few months later my older daughters came to me and said he tried to touch one of them. I immediately went to him and flipped out. He explained that he had fell asleep next to my daughter and thought it was me laying next to him. This may sound strange but this is something he did to me all the time when he was sleeping. At the time it made total sense to me and I believed him that it was a misunderstanding and I explained that to my daughter (my first big mistake) I never disbelieved her but what he said made absolute sense at the time. Right there I let my daughter down and I can never fix that. Years went past and I prayed every day he would find somebody else because I knew leaving him was not a safe option for me or my girls. He beat me on almost a daily basis although no one had a clue because I put up a good front. Finally after about 10 years in 2007 he started going to Florida because his dad was ill and I encouraged him to go just to get him away from us. God answered my prayers and in 2008 he found someone in Florida and broke it off with me in 2009. Before the break up me and my girls lived in the house which was in a different state then him. For those 2 years life was good for my girls and I. He only came back around once every month or two and only stayed the weekend because he had a job in Florida. When he broke it off it was the greatest day of my life. I ended up meeting a wonderful man and got married. Life seemed perfect compared to the horror the girls and I lived in. Fast forward to 2014. I get a strange phone call from him asking me what's going on with my middle daughter. I had no idea what he was talking about. He was very unclear about her message to him and couldn't believe I didn't know what was going on. I raced home from work still on the phone with him trying to put the pieces together. Just as I got to my house something he said all of the sudden clicked and I asked him if he did something to my daughter. His answer "I'm not going to answer that". I hung up the phone and opened the door and I could see in my daughters face something was very wrong. She wouldn't tell me anything and I was begging her to please tell me so I could help her. Finally she told me he had molested her from age 6-11. At that point I felt as if I left my body. How did I not see this. There were no signs at all. I asked her why she contacted him and she said she had another nightmare, which I never knew she was having and just woke up and her first reaction was to text him and tell him it's about time you pay for what you did to me as a child. We both just sat and cried. I was worse than my daughter. I couldn't control the emotion and felt physically ill. As things calmed a bit I told her whatever you want to do I'll stand by you 100% but I wanted her to be aware whatever she chose to do it wasn't going to be easy. She wanted to prosecute. I said ok then that's what we'll do. We sat awhile and tried consoling each other. Sadly she was doing more of the consoling because I was a wreck. It's shouldn't have been like that. I kept thinking your the mother get a grip. After awhile if us talking my daughter who was 18 came downstairs and heard our conversation and said to my 21 year old welcome to my world! I cannot describe the feeling inside me. I just wanted to kill myself. All this going on and I had NO clue. I was so focused on what I thought was protecting them and deal with abuse and never knew 2 of my 5 daughters were being molested at the same time by this animal and neither one knew it was happening to the other! So we went to law enforcement and began the process of having him put in jail. We were successful. We went before the grand jury and got an indictment. Within 4 months of the investigation he was arrested. The detectives went to Florida just to see if he would confess. I knew he would because he told me he would and I knew he meant it. Over the 4 months he called me daily. The detectives want me to keep phone contact to see where his head was at. When they went to Florida they asked him if he would go to station to talk. He willingly did and confessed everything. He told the detectives whatever those girls said us true. He was extradited back to the state and in July 2015 he was sentenced to 15 years in prison with no chance of parole and when he does get out he is considered a tier 3 sex offender and will be on strict parole for the rest of his life. My daughters were the most amazing women I have ever met. Their strength and courage was incredible! They would say to me all the time (because I couldn't look at them without bursting into tears and I would ask them how are you handling this so well) mommy we have known about this for years we've adjust and learned to live through it. This is all new to you that's why it's so hard for you. Again I'm the mother! I should be the strength but I raised these two beautiful women that were stronger than I could ever be. My relationship with my 3 younger daughters is and has always been wonderful. We are very close and all this brought us closer. My problem is my 2 older daughters hate me. They blame me for everything and more and more distance themselves from me. My 5 daughters are close. My older ones find ways to exclude me from everything. To them I am worthless. I am the mother who let her children be sexually abused. I don't know how to fix it. It breaks my heart and I feel they purposely do things to hurt me as a payback. My oldest daughter had a baby last year. My first grandchild. I feel she keeps the baby from me to punish me although she says different. My second oldest daughter feels if I would of done something when he attempted to touch her her sisters would not have been abused. The fact of that matter is they were already being abused when he tried to make a sexual advance on her. I am a good person. I love my daughters more than life itself. Yes I made poor decisions but at the time I had know idea what was really happening and I thought I was protecting them. I've gone above and beyond to try to make amends. They say nothing's wrong but I can see different. My daughters that endured the abuse and I are closer than ever since we went through the whole ordeal. I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking. I want my older daughters in my life and my precious granddaughter. I want my granddaughter to know me. I feel depressed and sad. I cry whenever I'm alone. I ask God for guidance. I'm afraid if I don't keep in contact with them I will never hear from them again and the thought of that makes me just want to die. I am not saying I want to kill myself or that I'm suicdal. I just think that it wouldn't matter to them if I'm dead or alive. Sometimes I wish God would just take me to take away my pain. It hurts that bad. I don't know what to do! Is it even possible to repair my relationship with my older daughters? Do I just need to let it go? How do you just let your children go? I just keep trying and trying. Every time I see them and leave I cry all the way home. They don't need to punish me. I punish myself every day for failing as a mother. I should of know. I've played the tape over and over again go back through the girls growing up and there was not one signal or red flag that would have made me think my kids were being sexually abused. I'll never forgive myself and I feel the hurt my daughters make me feel that I deserve it. Who would want a pathetic mother like me that couldn't protect her babies because I was too focused on staying alive and what I thought was protecting them. I'm so sorry I blabbed so long. I apologize. I just really need support and help. What do I do? (Please excuse my typos) Thank you for listening.