SRL, I was trying to speak generally because things ARE very different for us down here. That's why I emphasised the need to do some digging to find out who is recommended. It's not easy to do this, I know. And I guess part of this research is asking people on sites like this one!
There are so many differences in how our various health systems work - your health insurance, for example. Our doctors are all covered nationally, to some extent, so I have trouble remembering that you have a lot of hoops to jump through sometimes. So I can't always follow the degree of issues people have - please bear this in mind, folks. I do try to talk generally on this. For example - you guys have taught me that in the US the best person to assess someone with autism is a multidisciplinary team and/or a neuropsychologist. While we've piece-mealed the multidisciplinary stuff over a few years (speech pathology here, Occupational Therapist (OT) there, pediatrician next week), I'd LOVE to get my son to a neuropsychologist or even a pediatric neurologist or ANY specialist who deals primarily with autism. We do have the general autism specialists, but as soon as word gets out that dr so-and-so is good with autism, they get overloaded with patients,regardless of their specialty. I mean, my adult kids still see a pediatrician because we have no other kind of specialist who WILL deal with this. It's absolutely crazy.
So do ignore me, people, if you feel I'm being inappropriately specific when it comes to doctors.
Rachel - good to see your new ID. I'm not sure what you can do about your son. I would make the decision based on your expectations for the night. How well will your neighbour cope with a sullen kid at the table? Will he understand or is it going to make fur unpleasantness? Will there be a brief chance to socialise informally first? What are your usual practices with mealtimes? So much depends on what you want and what you do and what you expect.
Can you arrange a meeting beforehand with the neighbour and difficult child, to resolve the bad feeling? Does difficult child understand how dangerous "stacks on" is? Or does he still feel that a perfectly acceptable game was ended in a highly embarrassing way?
If you try and have dinner without resolving this and without any prior preparation, you could be in for a rough night. While the dinner could be a good chance at reconciliation, it could also make things a lot worse. MY point of view - this needs resolving. If difficult child can't/won't resolve things right now (because he's still too angry, or because he doesn't understand what was wrong, or because he was TOO embarrassed by the way it all got handled) then it might be better to let him eat in his room (if you normally permit this - we don't). For a situation like this difficult child 3 either eats in the kitchen or he eats earlier so he can put himself to bed earlier (and be a sweeter child in the morning, for all that extra sleep!).
If your neighbour is willing I would try to make peace between them. But this won't work if neighbour is also still angry with difficult child and doesn't fully understand how to get through to him. You would need to mediate, also. difficult child is going to sound rude to the neighbour - kids like this do not distinguish between talking to another child, or talking to an adult in a position of authority. This is sometimes misinterpreted as lack of respect for authority, when that's not the case. They just see everyone as equals and get offended when talked down to, patronised or chastised in what THEY consider a rude fashion (think how YOU would feel if a neighbour said, "I told you before, you're not permitted to go without your coat in this cold weather. You march right on back inside, missy, and get your coat on!" - you would be offended. difficult child is reacting the same way because he doesn't understand any other way).
He's probably also embarrassed over the incident. It IS going to prey on his mind. Has he been back to the neighbour's? I suspect not, or at least not while neighbour was there. You need to see it from everyone's point of view. This doesn't mean seeing your son as right - he wasn't - but it DOES mean seeing what he sees about the incident.
Possibly - try asking him how he feels and see if he can comprehend the neighbour's point of view as a man scared for his children's safety. he is also a man who cares about difficult child and also wanted him to be safe, but when difficult child didn't seem to understand and got angry, this was neither safe nor acceptable, and he needed to go home. It was not rejection, it was putting difficult child somewhere that he would be safe. If neighbour had been rejecting difficult child, would he still be willing to come to dinner at difficult child's house? He still likes difficult child, still wants to be friends, still wants difficult child to play there as long as he does it safely (check this one).
You know best what he is likely to respond to, but something I've found - treat him as you would like him to treat you. When he is angry, anxious or upset he WILL shout, but this is not necessarily at you, just shouting in general, as we would if we stubbed a toe or hit a thumb with a hammer. Their emotional pain is that bad and we have to help them learn to deal with it - not easy. The best way to deal with it is to resolve it.
So I ignore the shouting (I do NOT react to it by shouting back) and maybe, if I feel I must, I respond with, "Hold on, honey, I'm not shouting at you - why are you shouting at me? Can you turn your volume down a little please? My ears are hurting." I say it quietly and calmly, to help him respond with more quiet and calm in return. The trouble with this is it gets you off topic, which can be a problem with these kids. It's just a matter of choosing and using your moment and having to be satisfied with a piece here, a little bit more there, until you finally have helped him up the ladder of appropriate social interaction.
Life ain't easy with these kids, but it sure ain't dull!
Marg
