New to Site - Looking for help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by LAA, Oct 19, 2007.

  1. LAA

    LAA New Member


    DS has been in 24/7 facility for 7 days now and a release date has not been set.
    He has been diagnosed with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), OD, CD and anger issues.
    Since moving in with us 14 - 15 months ago, he has lied, stolen, been deceptive and deceitful only towards those he lives with.
    IQ is genius level and he excels in school.
    He has racing thoughts to kill my husband with a chainsaw and he thinks of ways to hurt husband. He thinks thoughts of raping his sister and was abusing our puppy for 5 months until he was caught. He has lied to 4+ therapists and believes that he is special. He is so special that consequences and disciple do not apply to him.
    He is on a medication for depression and they started another medication for his racing thoughts.
    We only had one visit with him and he tried to lie to the counselor and twist things that were being said.

    It's tough when you get caught

    Birthmom died 2 years ago and birthdad is in prison.

    Got a call yesterday that he reported us for physical abuse and now is asking when he can come home.
    We do not want him home. We do not want to live behind locked doors with knives, matches, tools etc. all locked up.

    Anyone in this situation? Anyone have any thoughts or questions?
    We feel as though we failed and yet we never really got to know him as our son.

    Thanks much,
  2. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am afraid I don't have any advice, however I am confident others will. Good are not alone, others have dealt with similar situations.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We had a similar situation. I don't know if we did the right or wrong thing, but I'll tell you how we handled it.
    We adopted an eleven year old who sexually abused our kids, killed our pets, set fires and did his business in the closet. We actually were so naive (or stupid, take your pick) that we didn't know he was doing anything for a few years. We didn't know about the mini-fires. We thought some drugged teens were killing our dogs (at the time our teen was in with a bad crowd). We thought our dogs were doing their business all over. We couldn't believe that such a sweet child (and he acted SWEET) was actually terrorizing the neighborhood. Neighbor adults liked him, and neighbor kids never told on him, although I know now that he terrorized a few of them. And that's only the ones we found out about. My other kids were so scared of him they were afraid to tell us, and he told them he'd burn us all to death in the house if they did. Once we found out, we called CPS, told them to take him and said we never wanted to have any contact with him again. He was dangerous to our children, to us, and to the neighborhood. We never did see him again. He's eighteen years old now--somewhere--and, trust me, we don't ever feel guilty and we certainly don't miss him. We moved and have an unlisted phone number to keep our identity more secret just in case he goes ballistic and wants to find us. I wouldn't be one bit surprised to see his face on television one day as a murderer. It's your call, but I wanted to offer empathy. You can't save every child. Some are beyond it. Sad, but true.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so sorry. I haven't faced that sort of thing.

    But given the circumstances, I'd say it is simply too dangerous to allow him back into your home. Every child needs a loving environment, has the right to treatment, ect, but NOT at the expense of the rest of the family living under your roof.

    Sending many ((((hugs)))) I can only imagine how hard this must be on you.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    If you fear for your safety don't allow him back in your home. You can love this child to the moon but still fear him.

    It seems that he has a complex hx with-o the help he's needed before placement with you.

    I've been in your position - my son lives in a foster group home. I doubt he will live under our roof again. He's there due to aggressive & sexual behaviors toward his twin sister & myself.

    I didn't fail wm - I did everything possible for my son. I have to believe that.

    We are doing our best to be a family of different addresses. We are co-parenting wm with his foster parents. It is proving to be a good situation for all of us.

    Does my heart break when I think about wm? Not as much as it used to .... I still grieve over the outcome of our family.

    Did I fail my son - in no way did I let him down or fail him.

    Neither did you.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you are in a difficult situation. I know you are probably attatched to the young man but do not bring him home. He will not have changed in 7 days. He NEEDS a LOT of help, more than jsut what he has gotten so far.

    Do some more research on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), it is a scary and heartbreaking thing. Do NOT feel bad for not bringing him home, no matter who he snows into guilting you.

    Your daughter deserves to be as safe as you and husband do. In time you will learn more that he has done to her. GEt her help. Keep him away from her.

    Sadly, it is all you can do. I hope she does not have the same problems, and that she gets help for what she needs.

    Hugs to you,

  7. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    well my was sent home for 3 days and his behavior is still the same he swears up & down he didn't tell the little boy that he will shot him , but of course i know he was lying every one knew accept the police officer that he was lying to he is so transparent when he lie he changes his story . after questioning him you will want to take a stiff drink. i am so angry at myself for one because i feel as though this is all on me see my husband is not his father he is my daughters father don't get me wrong he loves my son , but at this point he don't know what to do other than spank my son for the lying and disrespect to adults . then i am mad at my son because he can go to my grandmothers house and sit for two hours and play his game , but can't sit on the bus or in the classroom. that gets my blood boiling .

    then every one blames me for his short comings . i have alot of pressure i give give give what about time for me :censored2: i think i deserve it . so now once again i have to change they way i handle my son i told him i hope he has fun this weekend because when he get home he is toast. i don't know what to do it so hard and no one around me except for the people on this site understand what i am feeling i cry every day and i pray that is what my life has been since 2001 crying because of the hurt and praying beacuse i belive that god will step in some day , but darn i feel as though i have done my part as a parent now it's time for him to do his as the child he really and truly has hurt me and he is not a teenager yet luckily becasue i would not have him in my home he lies he steals he fights he tried to hit my husband with a piece of paper he threw it across the room missed him my a inch and said if i want to hit you i would have stood closer i hit him before i new it then i said you know what get you narrow behind in the car i took him to my grandmothers he can stay there until sunday because i was so upset if he was here this weekend i would hurt him mainly because of his mouth . the adhd i can handle and understand but his flip mouth it really gets my blood boiling . when he got sent home the people at school told him that he could get arrested because the boy he told he would shoot was in the 2nd grade he is in the 5th they asked if he wanted to be away from me he said yes because he want to go where he can do what he want to do

    i just looked at him and shook my head he has no remorse for nothing and iam tired becasue he is the main focus luckily my husband understands but he beginning to cause me some problems and i have a daughter she is 14 months old and has more since than this child i some times feel like i am being punished my god i mean it every day it's something not one second of peace out of 24 hours unless it is the weekend or he is not here! don't get me wrong i love my child with every thing within me , but i dislike is ugly ways i know i have taught him better lord know he know what not to do he can correct my daughter or others but then he do the opposite aint that some :censored2:.

    i just pray that things get better because i can't take this shoot i am going to be on medication soon just to deal with his behind i try not to curse becasue if i start i might not stop .but i have some words in my mind but that not me . so upset i could just huh huh man i am going to need a drink in a minute a glass of wine to relax because i haven't slept since wend day and it's saturday i have been sleep jump up with pains in chest and headache and end up staying up because about time i go to sleep it's time for my daughter to get up ! i want to run away need a vacation just afraid i won't come back well keep me in your prayers and i will keep you in mine.
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    "he is so special that consequences and discipline to not apply to him"

    although ant never was abusive to pets or having thoghts of killing others that I know about...he truly was narcissistic for a long time when he was younger.

    he too has a borderline genius IQ. then again, he could never sit at school long enough to use that.

    Your son seems to need longer term placement in a facility that can possibly help him. he cannot come home.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is this a "stranger" adoption or someone who was previously a family member but not yours? It can make a difference as to what services are available for him.

    I, too, think your best option is a "family of different households." Some kids thrive in a single-parent or only-child home. As egocentric as he is, that may be his best option. Even if he is at a long-term Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he would still ultimately be coming home. At his age, I doubt there is much they will be able to do to change him, especially if he has no desire to change. No matter what, he needs more help than you're going to be able to give him at your home. His thoughts are too dangerous to be allowed to come home.

    That doesn't mean he won't still be your son. That doesn't mean you have failed. It means you are doing the best thing to protect him from himself. It gives him a chance to be in an environment where he can have a chance to succeed, where you can still visit and be part of his life and yet have everyone safe.

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can only image your pain and fear.
  10. LAA

    LAA New Member


    Thanks for all the input. Getting verification from others is very helpful.

    We did not know these kids until we meet them for the first time in May 2006 after reading child profiles.

    None of these behaviors were noted nor known in the past. He was very good at covering and hiding (it's called lying) to everyone.

    We had a church function this evening and a few couples that know what is going on spoke with us. We received confirmation from them as well as to what we are thinking and praying about.

    Again, thanks and blessings.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Is the girl his sister?
  12. LAA

    LAA New Member

    Good Morning,

    There are three siblings that all have the same birthmother but all different birthfathers.

    We adopted the older two of the siblings as the youngest was adopted by a paternal grandfather.

    The girl is his older sister but has a different birthfather.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did the birthmother use drugs or drink while pregnant? That could have a huge affect on why this child seems to have no conscience too.
  14. LAA

    LAA New Member


    Yes, birthmother used both drugs (cocaine) and alcohol during all pregnancies.

    How could he do such a good job at hiding everything and now that he is adopted all the behaviors and thoughts come to the surface?

    Granted we had issues with lying and stealing from day one, but everthing else is recent (last 2 months) behavior.

    How can he be gifted with intelligence and excel so well in school but cannot function in a family situation?

  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Einstein did not do well socially either. Sometimes being smart is a curse for the social aspect of life.

    Are you seeing any issues at all in the sister? It would be hard to disrupt the adoption of one sibling. Well, heartbreaking no matter what, but keeping the sister & not the brother would be really tough.

    I agree this child should not return to the home. A family of different addresses seems like the best thing for now.
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    The family situation makes emotional demands of your difficult child that he gets in no other setting.

    Many times, those emotional demands, while normal for most kids, cannot be tolerated by children who have been hurt or neglected in the birth home. It becomes a fight or flight syndrome.

    wm showed it daily here at home until he was placed elsewhere; kt displays it, however, to a much lesser degree.

    The behaviors were irrational, deeply angering & many times aggressive & abusive toward the maternal parent.

    There is no reason to disrupt the adoption - we are still wm's parents. As such we are responsible for him legally. The difference is that wm lives with what we consider our extended family of caregivers. We co-parent with foster mum & dad. We know daily what is going on with wm; foster parents check in with us & we let them know our ideas. We brainstorm.

    Sometimes, unfortunately, it does take a village to raise our children.

    In the meantime you must decide your line in the sand for your difficult child if he does indeed come home. What will it take for him to be removed again.

    For wm, it was verbal, physical or sexual displays of aggression toward anyone in this home. wm held out 3 months after his last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement but once again stepped over that line. It was almost like he dared us to do it. Once we let wm know that line we had to carry through.

    Our team of service providers was ready because I had informed them of wm's daily increasing level of instability. The day he stepped over that line he was back in the hospital & in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a few days later. It took 9 months to find the right group foster home.

    Just wanted to share with you - we have siblings here; twins. They live separately yet stay in contact when they are both being safe. They can communicate daily by phone if they choose to do so.

    It's not the ideal in parenting children. In our case it's the reality of what my children survived & need to achieve their highest level of functionality.

    Good luck.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. Here goes.
    I would take this child to a neuropsychologist--nobody else. I would want to know if he shows any signs of fetal alcohol issues because those kids tend to be way out of control and often show no consciences. Alcohol affects mean organic brain damage and often the kids end up in jail, and they definitely need caregiving by professionals to keep themselves out of trouble, even as adults. They don't understand right from wrong and are often puzzled that they are in jail and "forgot" how they got there the first time so they offend again, doing the same thing. Often they are mistaken as ADHD because they are so hyper. They really don't know how. I'm sure there are attachment issues also thrown in there. Are there psychiatric problems or substance abuse issues on the family tree? Could he have bipolar disorder? Doesn't sound like he is being properly medicated for a violent kid.

    I can tell you right now that a social worker we got very close to when we adopted one child told us out-and-out they they are deliberately elusive about diagnoses of the kids. They are apt to call everything ADHD because anything else scares off prospective parents. I don't know if it's true, but that's what she told us, and it seemed true in our cases. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) also rarely stands by itself and Conduct Disorder can be undiagnosed bipolar or untreated high functional autism OR fetal alcohol syndrome. You have your hands full and may never find out the big picture. It would be great if these foster kids were given the proper time and good diagnosing and treatment, but they're not and the parents have to do it.

    In the case of our scary adopted son, he had to go. My two younger kids (also adopted) hated and feared him and felt guilty for the abuse HE inflicted on them. We did what we felt was best for our family. And he didn't miss us ONE BIT. Never cried for us. His only regret was he liked the money we gave him and was bummed that in the special Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for young sexual predators that they took him to, we didn't send him any cash. We gave him the items we had bought him already, but that was it. He scared US too. To this day, we wonder with dread if we'll see him again and if he'll try to kill everyone if we do see him. He has aged out of the system and is on his own. My consolation is that we moved and are unlisted and he has no idea where to find us. Good luck!