New to the board

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by barboga, Mar 4, 2007.

  1. barboga

    barboga New Member

    Hello All!

    I am new to the board so please be patient.

    A little background:
    married to Joey for 15 years.
    Moved to NC about 1 1/2 years ago for better jobs, etc.
    both grew up in small towns now living in suburbs of big city
    really love where we moved to

    oldest son has 140+ iq. Very bored in school before we moved. Went to a gifted school for 6 mos. and did okay but the lack of structure killed him. Now in regular classroom for 2nd year. Always meet teacher beforehand and give them the run down.

    "Jake is very smart, immature, perfectionist that doesn't handle change well."

    Jake was officially diagnosed with ADD about a year ago. In the past 6 months his behavior has headed into the ODD stream.

    My issue is that I stayed home with Jake for the first 6 years of his life. When we moved to NC, my husband is staying home with him.

    Those two :censored2: heads like you wouldn't believe. Didn't realize it until after I committed to working full time plus. I work for the local government and teach college classes on the side to keep up with the bills.

    Spouse is probably borderline depressed but won't admit to anything. Joey has a seizure disorder that is mostly under control with medications. I have been trying to get him to take a part time job in the evenings just to get him out of the house and to make some money. No go so far.

    Spouse and older son are doing therpy together but I can't see how it's making a difference since neither one of them seems to see the problem.

    I walk into the house at night and it's a war zone. Joey is tired of trying to get Jake to do his homework so they just stop arguing about it. Nothing gets done and so I walk into massive amount of stress. Spouse says that he dreads when Jake gets off the bus and his day just stops right then and there.

    I have done a lot of research on ADD, ODD, Bi-Polar, etc. but I can't seem to get my spouse to do the work to figure this out also.

    I get really frustrated not only with the general situation but by what I seem to walk into every night. I am afraid I'm just going to lose it some night and walk away and never come home again.

    Plus - I'm totally missing out on my second child's life becuase of the battles between my husband and older son.

    Suggestions? I know you have lots but at least let me know somebody else has similar problems.

    Thank you!
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! It must be hard coming home every night to the arguing. One thing you neeed to do is be sure to take care of you with all of that stress. I'm sure it's not easy to find "me" time.

    You have found a supportive group here-others will be along with most suggestions-glad you found us. Hugs.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, have you come to the right place! Have you read any of the other posts here? You'll get some good ideas.
    You really need to get your spouse on board with-this. That's half the battle. Sigh.
    Welcome. Here's a cup of tea.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Have you ever done research on Aspergers Syndrome? To me it sounds like a possibility and you can't make kids who have it respond with typical parenting techniques. They are often brilliant, but very quirky. You'd need a neuropsychologist to diagnose him. A psychiatrist would miss it (It is a neurological, not psychiatric disorder) and call it the laundry list you named. My son is on the Spectrum and was misdiagnoed with ADHD/ODD and bipolar. He has neither, and it's apparent now that he is finally getting the right kind of help and off medication. He still has trouble with transition/change, but is much better and he has improved all the way around in all aspects of his life. Take a look at this site and see if it rings a bell.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board.

    I was also thinking along the lines of MWM while reading your post. You might want to do some reading along those lines and see if it sounds more like your son.

    As for the butting heads thing, my husband and son did it most of the time my son was growing up. Sounds awful, but it used to make me glad husband worked 2nd shift while our kids were young. The two of them weren't together often. husband has worked hard in this area for the last few yrs and his relationship/attitude with difficult child has improved.

  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm with the others on this - especially with a high IQ, current diagnosis of ADD and arguments over homework. We live with this - my difficult child 3 especially, who is fully on the autism spectrum and not just Aspie, has a high IQ (similar to your son) and is finally achieving well at school after some very rocky patches. The ODD problems are much more under control now, for us, because we give him a lot more control over his life (within reason). he accepts control in other areas much more readily because he knows we're letting him have a lot of leeway in other ways.

    To get a look at the autism question, visit and have a browse. They have a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire that would be very much worth testing your family with. It's not officially diagnostic, but it can give you enough confidence and ammunition, if they indicate a likelihood of a positive test, to take the printout to the appropriate specialist. Even if it's not Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), t he answers to those questions can help guide a specialist to answer the problems you're dealing with.

    And for books on ODD issues and how to cope - read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you want a preview check out the discussion on this on Early Childhood forum.

    If you can get husband to visit this site with you and read for himself, it might help to give him a better understanding, as well as help you both to be on the same page. It works for us really well, but you know him best. Would he? There are other blokes here, as well. He wouldn't be the only male.

    Homework - if he's doing well academically, it may be easier to talk to the school and drop the homework for a while. What purpose is it serving, that is great enough to outweigh the problems it's causing for you? We found homework to be a HUGE issue because by the end of the school day the ADD component has had enough and to keep going with academic discipline when their brain just needs to let off steam, is pure torture. Now as difficult child 3 is older, he is much more motivated with schoolwork and it's easier to persuade him to complete outstanding work. And it's persuasion, not force. Never try to force these kids - their will is stronger than anything. You use that will as a tool, don't meet it as an obstacle. Homework is a school issue anyway. Let the school argue with him about it.

    You should be able to get some sort of support for him, including some sort of consensus over homework. Having a high IQ doesn't disqualify him from an IEP if he qualifies in other ways. needing extension - I'm not sure if that would qualify you where you live but we could make a case in Australia. In fact, we did for difficult child 3, but he had the diagnosed disability to go with it.

    You need to get husband on the same page. If he's currently the stay-at-home parent then he needs to be reading and discussing with you what you dig up. He should also be digging stuff up. A good start may be the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) survey - get husband to sit with you while you answer the questions together. Discuss them. If you can't agree on which answer is right, there is more information hot-linked to each question to guide you. Do it in a way that you can both agree, and then discuss what you both think about the result. Then print it for future reference.

    There is so much more but I don't want to overwhelm you with information right now. But you have definitely come to the right place - welcome!

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member


    I may touch on some nerves here, but here is my humble opinion.

    Dads tend to be more hard-lined parents. It is their way or no way. They want their children to conform to their ideas and ways.
    difficult children really, really do not do well with this type of parenting. You may be nodding your head at this point. If not, just take what you can and leave this post out.
    My recommendation would be to print out everything you can on detachment. It means to step back and not take things so personally, not try to control the other person, allow them to make mistakes and learn from them (hopefully - our kids tend to lack that 'learning from mistakes' part! LOL!). There are some members that have links to detachment in their profile it has helped them so much.
  8. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I would like to welcome you aboard. You sure do sound like you are living with a huge amount of stress. I hope you can find more answers for your difficult child's behaviors and then can get your husband on the same page. I've raised a child with a high IQ + ADHD and am trying to raise a child with bipolar...not easy. People here often say to prepare for a marathon,not a sprint and that makes sense to me. You have to carve out time for yourself how ever you can and work extra hard at your marriage...both much easier said then done, sigh.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Popping in to offer my welcome to you. You seem to have your hands full at home...I hope as we get to know you better, we can help your sort this out.

    Please prioritize the biggest issue & start work on that. You can't take on every battle everyday & it will take time to sort out.

    Take care of you! Be gentle with yourself.
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    The others have already given you some great advice. Although I really don't have much to add to what has already been said, I just want to let you know I'm glad you're here. This is an excellent place for advice and support!!! WFEN
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Marg's Man here
    I may touch on some nerves here, but here is my humble opinion.

    It doesn't touch on my nerves but it takes a VERY strong bloke to step back from the more authoritarian style of parenting that most men seem to have been brought up with.

    My own father and Marg's were strict but loving men who, nevertheless, expected their families to say "How high?" whenever they said "Jump!"

    It's been a long hard road for me to learn when I should back off and when I need to hold my ground. I STILL it wrong a lot of the time.

    The other thing that's really important is for you BOTH to be on the same page with managing Jake. I freely admit that I don't read as much as I should about the techniques I need to help Marg but I DO listen to her.

    I don't know what else to say except possibly to show this to Joey and let him that there ARE Dads out here who also have to cope with these problems.

    Marg's Man
  12. barboga

    barboga New Member

    Thanks for the support.

    We had a bit of a chat this evening but right now I have to leave this in his lap for a bit.

    I can support as much as possible but can't really micromanage this from my seat.

    My plan for the next week:
    1. Remember and remind myself and my kid just how special he really is
    2. Discuss dropping the homework to a minimum
    3. Finish setting up the "official" schedule for everyone in the family
    4. Carve out an hour this weekend for me, my spouse, my older and my younger son each for some alone time.

    I'll encourage Joey to check out the board and check into some of the resources people have mentioned.

    Again - Thank you for listening.

    It's nice to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with what sometimes feels like a non-ending battle.

  13. jodyice

    jodyice New Member

    I just wanted to welcome you aboard as well. There is so much information here, it may take a while to digest it all. I'm still reading past posts and learning things. Once again, welcome.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Concerning your Point 4 - this is something difficult child 3's psychologist made us put in place. We use this sort of time together as a reward for difficult child 3, for having a day without needing time out. This doesn't mean we don't try to have quality family time together at other times, but the fact that is was recommended as a reward, shows how important it is and how much our families value planned time together.

    Go for it!

    by the way, my husband was very honest about the problems we've gone through in having to change our parenting styles. We were talking about it on the way home tonight - when a bloke is brought up to be a disciplinarian and the head of the household, with all this connected deeply to his manhood, it's very hard to make changes. For some men it's even harder because first they have to recognise that what they have been doing, the way they were brought up, is imperfect. This is the biggest hurdle, frankly. And if someone is living in denial about anything, you can't change their mind for them. You can't live their life for them. Confrontation only makes denial worse. Love, compassion and communication is the best way through, if they can accept it. And sometimes you have to accept less than complete accommodation to new ideas.

    Can you get Joey to have a look at the discussion on Early Childhood, concerning "The Explosive Child"? It's a shorter way to quickly get a feel for it. My husband couldn't read the book, he just couldn't get into it. Not that he was unsupportive - far from it. But for him, and the other kids, I wrote a summary. This helped him quickly understand what I was trying to do, and writing it helped me consolidate the information in my own head. It was a very useful exercise.

    Keep us posted on how things are going.