"New car needs to go nite nite so it can recharge or it wont work anymore."
You used good logic and it made sense to him. That is a huge clue - use this.
It sounds to me that taking him to his room and holding him on his bed could actually be a part of the problem - you are applying external force to him to make him do what you want him to, but he does not want to. You are using force, which shows him that if you want to win, you use force. So he tries to use force so HE can win.
Of course, shows like SuperNanny show similar tactics, which do work for a lot of kids. But sometimes it doesn't. We used to send our kids to their rooms for misbehaviour. We were good at this. It worked brilliantly for us - being sent to your room was not so much a punishment, as a place to go when you (the child) needed somewhere quiet to regain control. But we could not do this with difficult child 3. And as I said, we were experts. But sometimes, some kids need a different approach because what SHOULD work, what has worked brilliantly with others, can be exactly what makes things worse in this case.
I'm thinking that a lot of problems for your son (from his point of view) revolve around him feeling a need to have some control, and at the same time he hates NOT having control, or someone else imposing control. Now, giving control to a kid is not necessarily a bad thing. You can let him have control, while you stand back a little and supervise. He doesn't need to know that in an emergency you can step in and grab him to keep him safe.
The water in the face is a great example - difficult child 1 had trouble with this, because I believe he was for a while forced to allow water in his face. Or afraid of water in his face, as when made to lie down on his back in the bathtub. What we did with difficult child 3 when we came to this point, was we talked him through lying himself down on his back, promising him that we would watch to make sure his face was safe from being submerged. We also encouraged difficult child 3 to put his face under the water and blow bubbles. Blowing bubbles (through pursed lips or through the nose) in the bathtub was a precursor to swimming lessons. But we found that when we let the child have control over when and how to lie down in the bath, we had a lot better cooperation with hair washing.
Success also needs to be reinforced and praised. Success this way breeds more success. So with the hair washing problem, we found creative ways (working with the child, discussing ideas) to get hair washed. Swim goggles was one idea. A special face visor was another. Or a folded face washer held over the eyes (held by the child).
I've posted elsewhere on ways to get a child to try something new to eat. Again, logic is needed, as is giving the child some sense of control.
First, observe which groups of foods the child has difficulty with. For example, difficult child 3 dislikes creamy textures, prawns and spinach. So we know to avoid related foods as a rule. difficult child 3 loves coffee but cappuccino is too creamy in texture. He hates prawns, so we won't force the issue with crab or lobster either. No spinach - so also, no other cooked limp leafy greens especially if they have a bitter taste. Otherwise - we will ask him to try it.
Now, the method we have set up with difficult child 3 to try food is as follows (it's all important):
1) We will only ask him to taste. It's his choice to eat more.
2) He may have a drink of his choice, or something else, available and ready to wash the taste away if it turns out he doesn't like the food.
3) If possible we will have a meal that he does like, available for him to have (or be able to get it for him fairly readily if he won't eat the new food). Often just having it available, knowing he will have the choice, gives him enough security to eat the new food.
4) Taste. Then difficult child 3 MUST tell us if he likes it or not. We are not judgemental about his decision, it is HIS choice. Whatever his preference, he does not have to eat any more of the food if he doesn't want to.
5) Most important - difficult child has to describe something about the food that he likes, and what it is that he doesn't like. He can be honest about this because he knows that he can choose to eat more or not, regardless.
The way this works - difficult child 3 feels safe, he feels he has control. This lowers his anxiety to a point where he feels braver about actually trying to have more. We have a better chance of winning on this, by giving difficult child 3 some sense of control. End result - difficult child 3 feels that he has had free choice, but from our point of view we have a much higher success rate of him trying new foods and often, enjoying them.
A book we recommend here is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It explains a lot of useful techniques which we found seem paradoxical but which actually helped a great deal with discipline methods. We seemed to be doing the opposite of what we had been doing and the opposite of what felt the right way to parent, especially difficult kids. But the Ross Greene methods worked, where before with our strictness, we had been seeing things getting worse.
Tearna, your son is a lot younger than difficult child 3 was when we started the above method of "have a taste and tell us" but if you can see the elements that worked (child feeling in control, and communication) and apply them to him, you might find some common elements.
Also useful - distraction and deflection. Instead of saying, "Stop that!", you say, "Put that down and come over here to me." It takes practice, but giving him a task to do especially if you can give him a reason, can change a situation like magic. (for example "car has to go to bed or it won't be able to play tomorrow" - that can be a good analogy for him).
Meanwhile, you might need to head towards getting him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. WHat I'm seeing, in the degree of control he seems to need, could fit with a number of conditions including Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). For a sneak peek which you can also share with the doctor, go to
www.childbrain.com and look for their informal Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Print the results whatever they are, it can give the doctor an idea of the degree of problems you're having.
From what you describe, you're already well along a progressive path with him even though it mightn't feel like it.
With "normal" parenting, the temptation always is to clamp down even harder on the discipline and parental control, when you have a difficult child. But if the child is (for any one of a range of reasons) desperate to have some control himself, this can rapidly lead to an escalating behaviour problem and all discipline attempts can only make things far worse. So you will need to watch yourself, supervise yourself and do your utmost to over-ride these habits. Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty, it only slows you down. Keep a diary if you need to, to keep tabs on how things are going. And stay in touch.
If you can get your husband to lurk here or post here, it will also help a great deal in keeping you both more tightly 'in sync' as parents working as a team. You will need each other to do this, for the best chance of fast success.
Let us know how you get on.
Marg
