Newbie learning to deal with!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by gateship, Aug 3, 2008.

  1. gateship

    gateship New Member

    I don't know all the slang yet so forgive me. GHG? husband? I will figure it out promise!
    I know this is a place for parents but there are not that many places for adult sibs so i figured what the hay maybe this could be a soft place for me to land too!
    My family is fostering a 12 yr old girl with ODD. She was an emergency placement that was only supposed to last a week or two if that...we are going into week six now (or is it more? I don't know anymore!) At first we didn't think she had ODD just regular preteen angst amped up a ton. In the past few weeks she has started to show us some of her harder to deal with traits. She has all the classic symptoms of ODD without the violence (please oh please don't let that start showing up!). When doing research about ODD one site said "argues with adults once or twice a week" I started laughing. Once or twice a week?! how about at least once or twice an hour or maybe every 30 minutes? If she isn't arguing with you she is glaring at you. I feel as though every thing I say is wrong and maybe i am being super critical. Is it really wrong for me to say "No i will not drive you to the gas station to get you ice cream but you can go get a popsicle out of the fridge"? or how about "I'm sorry but I really don't want to read to you tonight I am enjoying my book why don't you ask dad to read to you?" Am I a horrible evil person for wanting a little alone time? I do spend time with her and read to her and do crafts and play games just not every waking moment of every day. My mom and I trade off entertaining her when dad is at work and then he gets to spend time with her when he gets home.
    OK so enough of the rant. Do you lovely ladies and gents have any advice on how to help me and/or my family deal? Any experience with ODD will be helpful! Thank you!!!!
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi and welcome to the board! You found a safe place to vent and a soft place to land.

    For starters, difficult child=Gift from God, AKA the child who brought you searching for the board in the first place. And your sister definitely sounds like a difficult child.

    However, you have started this thread in the "Teens and substance abuse" category. If you would, enter your post in the "General" category. You will get a much bigger response.

    Don't worry, the board can be confusing at first. Don't let that deter you from posting here! We all know what you are going through and we care.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We fostered. These kids have problems WAY beyond normal teen angst. Most have been shuffled around from birth and come from pretty bad families. Some were exposed to drugs in utero. You can't possibly know why the child acts like she does, and (hate to say it) but we adopted two boys who were so dangerous--and the social workers hadn't a clue about this. The information your parents get is limited, at best, and the evaluations these kids get are faulty. The system constantly fails these kids.
    Sounds like Mom and Dad aren't adopting her. Their job is to try to keep her stable while she is with them. She has no stable background to back up her past--nothing to ground her--and love does not fix all. We thought it did too, but some kids can not stand to be loved as it is so uncomfortable for them--they have something called Reactive Attachment Disorder.
    This child is not going to behave like a child who has had a normal upbringing. She probably will not be reasonable. She has been through a lot more than most children and will be unlikely to respond to you normally. You may want to google up "Attachment Disorders." She likely has some serious attachment issues, and that makes her relationships with others very hard for herself and everyone else. If this is your parents first foster child, she's easy. The ones we got at first were VERY violent! Good luck.
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2008
  4. gateship

    gateship New Member

    Yes, I do know a bit about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and other attachment issues. We have had to deal with them in other children before. Not fun in the least. This difficult child (Thanks! that makes a lot of sense now!) certainly may have some attachment issues but I do not think she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She does have a difficult time attaching to adult humans but to animals and children she loves and cares for them like nothing else. I think her issues are more in that she does not know who to trust so she will not bond- not that she cannot bond.

    Yes, even though it has been difficult we have been very lucky. She is not violent and there are times when she shows us how sweet and wonderful she can be. I thank the Universe everyday that we did not get someone who was violent. Many blessings to you for taking on such a hard challenge! No, my parents are not planning on adopting her- we were given that choice but knew that we could not handle some of her issues and wanted to give her or really God the chance to find the "perfect" family for her. Still, we care about her a lot and wanted to make sure she had someplace safe and happy (or somewhat happy now) until a more permeant situation was found- be that another foster home or an adoptive placement.

    Many thanks to both of you! I will repost in General :)