no contact difficult child reaching out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Sep 6, 2013.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My 35yo son left his sister a phone message that he was trying to reconcile past relationships. He left his cell number and said he wanted to contact me before he was cut off, she said it wasn't a good connection, but she was able to get his number.

    He has been no contact for almost a year from everyone that I know. I think it's very selfish of a person to do that, I can understand him not wanting to talk to me, but he cut off everyone. Most of it was over the strange suicidal posts and fights on FB.

    He has my home phone number and email address so I'm puzzled that he didn't send a text message. He called his sister when he knew she would be at work. I had to think about a way to contact him, to let him know he is still my son and I love him, at the same time letting him know that the relationship we had in the past will never be revived. And that is a good thing!!

    As much as I dislike FB, and I think it is so immature to have it as my only means of communication, I posted him a message that I was glad he was in contact with his family again and I hoped all is well. I did sign off love mom. I didn't want to text because I don't want him to have my cell number. I didn't call from the land line because I really don't think he is in treatment, and usually the only time I hear from him involves money, so I'm cautious.

    He is posting pics of the two of them together on FB, so he's no longer trying to hide that fact that they are together. I hope they are both off the drugs and alcohol and in some kind of a program. She's on probation for a DUI and I wish she had been court ordered to rehab or something.

    I am glad to know that he is OK, but we will only have a superficial relationship at best. He lies too much so I won't ask any questions. The one thing for certain, no sob story he can conjure up will ever compel me to give money ever again.

    I'm am so surprised that the mother has let them move in with her. They set his personal belongings outside in the rain and most of it was stolen. girlfriend came after him with a knife and he had her arrested. He told some easy child friends that girlfriend had done some really bad things in her life and he was afraid she would kill him.

    Now all of that is in the past and I don't want any part of it so I will stay detached. Hubby says he thinks it is just the way her family acts together. It's just one of those things that makes you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
  2. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    You sound like you are handling this well.

    Good for you. It's hard to handle it when we don't hear from them. Just about the time we accept that, things change. That's hard, too. I am glad you told him you love him. He needs to know that. I think you did the right thing by not texting. Best to keep your privacy and independence. It's a strange thing, but once we realize how much better life is without difficult child trauma/drama, the difficult child has less power over us.

    I am glad your son is alive, healthy, and appears to be going in a better direction.

    It helped us, when our son was coming back from addiction, to tell him (every chance we got) that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing. I think it helps the difficult child to remember who he was meant to grow up to be. I think remembering that helps them to be strong enough to reclaim themselves.

    This is hopeful news.

    Holding a thought for you, today.

  3. Tater Tot

    Tater Tot New Member

    I'm very happy for you. I haven't heard from my son in over a year. He's mad at me because he still thinks my daughter is living with me. She got mad at me at moved out almost a year ago. I haven't heard from either of them or seen their kids. It's tough.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You sound healthy and realistic Tired, you made good choices and you let him know he's loved.......... Maybe he's changed, maybe not, but you have and that's the most important thing........Good job!
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you ladies!

    I hope this time is the winner for him. It affects the entire family, but when they reach his age it's more about him. RE, I thought I had changed before, but his relapse snapped me back quite a bit. It was easier to get back to some peace than theearly years, but still difficult and sad.

    No parent (or loved one) should have a person go no contact, I think it's selfish and cruel. The year did give me the chance to detach and see his life as completely separate from mine. This was also difficult with some of my family members, 'you're the mama, you need to fix it' attitude.

    I wish he was not in the relationship with the girlfriend from h***, but, I will never have that conversation with him. Detaching does make it so much easier to let them handle their own problems, also their age.

    Hoping for the best for us all!
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear ya tired..............I don't think we would be human if we didn't on occasion "snap back" into our own fears about their choices.......geez, we are their mothers.............I think it's more about NOT ACTING on those feelings, not jumping into action and saving them............we still hurt for them and feel sad, but we don't respond by enabling them. My heart will always have a certain ache there for my only child............but recognizing the truth of my own powerlessness is what frees me from the enmeshment. We can't save them from themselves, if we could have, we would have.............we know now we can't.

    Perhaps that year of no contact with your son was necessary for both of you to break the spell so you could actually see that 'his life is completely separate from yours." It seems to have worked in your favor, even though it may have been a negative choice on his part.

    Good job Tired. We're all hanging in there as best we feels good to laugh a lot more now......