No reasoning

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Sep 25, 2011.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is no reasoning with difficult child; he makes absolutely no sense but, of course, he thinks he does (truly believes it). I'm so beyond furious and exhausted right now. I can't wait until he is asleep!!! I actually had written out a whole long post but decided that it was too long for anyone to get through. I'm very weary of this roller coaster ride! Hopefully he will fall asleep soon (although that is only temporary)! I can't believe I'm actually hoping for Monday so I can get back to work to get a break (and I have a couple of difficult children in my classroom this year). Thanks for listening to me vent. If I can figure out a way to shorten it I may post more later.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. Sounds like he is really wound up. When my difficult child gets that way? I look forward to going to work. It is the one place where, for the most part, things are controlled and predictable and I know what to do, and how to fix the issues that come up.

    I hope he falls asleep soon too.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs your way. been there done that. difficult child#2 is an expert in an amazing number of fields. His favorite topic is religion. He does not know much about say the least...but he will talk as long as he is allowed espousing nonesense with occasional biblical references that sadly are not in the Bible. Yikes. I understand. DDD

    PS: He also does not want to "hear" or "learn" accurate info. Sigh!
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Don't worry about long. Unfortunately mine are almost all on the longish side. I do sit and read through everyone else's long posts as well. (it's only fair)

    But even if you don't post it all out, know that I also can't wait for bedtime most days, and welcome Monday mornings with open arms! We take respite whenever, wherever, and however we can get it, even if it means work! :)
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yeppers. My son is the champ of irrational thinking and will argue his point until a saint would pull their hair out. Sometimes it is down right funny. The entire family and everyone and anyone is subject to one of his tirades. I have gotten to where I put in the ear plugs and just disengage.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Ladies! I am just so weary.

    To try and summarize. husband has been gone since Thursday night (a much needed weekend away). This weekend difficult child showed ultra high anxiety which wasn't surprising with husband gone. Still he was to the point of tears and unreasonable thinking when I had to go to my class yesterday. Told me I didn't care about him, didn't love him, that if I did I would come home, etc... He was this way for about an hour at least (started calling me on the way to class and left 4 sobbing messages on my voice mail.

    That didn't have me angry, actually just felt bad for him because he wasn't able to think clearly.

    Today, however, was a different story. I had been taking a nap and he came to wake me up. We went downstairs to turn on the Packer game. We were both in the living room together for a few minutes at which point he went to the kitchen to get something to eat. He came back in to the room and demanded I get out of his chair because he had been sitting there (he may have been during my nap but not when we were in the living room together). I know could just get out of the chair and be done with it but the tone that he spoke to me with was not something I was willing to listen to.

    When I told him he needed to choose another part he started screaming at me, saying I needed to move. He pulled a blanket off me and threatened to sit on me (he's not a little guy). Then he said he was going to drag me off the chair because he should be sitting there. At that point I had about enough (I'm condensing so more was being said, etc) and told him if he did that I would call the police. He tried to grab my cell phone. He was unable to and at that point I decided to move so as to not escalate things sooner. I informed him he was at "stop the world", of course, he argued saying he hadn't been violent because he hadn't hit me.

    I just ignored him. About two minutes later he asked me to make him a grilled cheese sandwich. Seriously? He was completely over the incident but I wasn't about to make him one. Then he apologized (convenient, huh?) When I explained why he said he would just make his own (fine by me). He ended up burning it and was crying and begging me to make him one. When I wouldn't he went into this huge thing about how I don't love him, I hate him, etc...

    I mentioned that if he kept this up I was going to take easy child/difficult child to diner when I picked her up to get a break. He started begging for me to take him to dinner. When I tried to reason him, there was no reasoning. For the next 45 minutes or so I ended up listening to him crying, begging, and screaming. He again went into, I hate him, (this time he added in I hated him because he was Black), how I never wanted him, and on and on and on....

    He said I should send him away to psychiatric hospital until he was 21, said I should kick him out of the house, said he didn't deserve to live, said he was going to run away. I calmly told him he knew I loved him and that he was upset because I wouldn't make him the sandwich or take him out after how he had treated me. He left the house for a few minutes, came back in and went back out hitting the tennis ball against the garage over and over again (our garage probably has a ton of dents). He knows he is not allowed to do this but tries to reason why he is doing it; did you know it was my fault, by the way?

    When I finally went to pick up easy child/difficult child and came home he had melted butter for my grilled cheese (as a peace offering). I let him watch how I made it so he could make one. Within minutes he was back to throwing things around the house (tennis balls, tennis raquet, little football). Again there was no reasoning with them, he was bored therefore he should be allowed to do so. As of right now I have confiscated everything he was "playing" with and it will be a long time before he gets them back.

    Nothing excuses his behavior today but what drives me nut is the no reasoning (he truly doesn't get it). At one point I tried to bring up a situation from this morning. I had taken difficult child to church with me (big mistake as he can't handle it). Anyway, we met a family after church that two adopted children, one who is AA. I was talking to the husband for awhile while difficult child was talking with the mom and kids. The little guy is only about 2 years at most. difficult child had told me afterwards that the little boy was naughty, crawling under furniture, yelling at his mom, and hitting her. He told me he didn't do stuff like that anymore.

    When I tried to draw a comparison, his reasoning is he wasn't being naughty, it was my fault I was sitting in his spot so I deserved it. ARGH!!

    Just saw how long this is and this is the edited version-yikes-sorry!
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    When I was interviewing for a job once, I was asked what I did to relieve stress. I actually replied, "Go to work!" I don't get stressed on jobs I have, just the stay-at-home job! Never really felt stressed until the kids came along. :)
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Unfortunately , no, he really does not get it. Does he ever? I mean like tomorrow, if he's calm and you bring it up, will he get how irrational he was?

    If nothing else, I hope you feel a little better posting it and getting it out of your system.

    I've got husband and DD1 in my life who are both prone to this kind of illogical thinking. Fortunately, DD1 does experience lots of "normal" where she can even laugh at herself and her own illogic, and does accept responsibility. husband not so much which makes it even more difficult to make him an EXDH. I do consider myself lucky and pray you'll get at least a few moments of "logical" out of him.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear this. ((HUGS))
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I relate. difficult child 1 does this. His last tirade was I don't love him because I don't trust him. (He has to be in sight at all times.) He has also gone on today about food and his siblings hurting the game cube. He will calm down sometimes to be reasoned with, but most times he won't. He normal bedtime is 9 pm. I sent him to bed at 8 pm. He protested. I told him that when he is a shadow (the level of supervision he is on) he goes to bed when every one else does because I need the break. He stomped down the stairs.

    difficult child 2 and difficult child 3 also do this but to a much less extent and theirs is very dependent on if their routine is followed.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry he was so hard to be around this weekend. I hope that husband will let you have a weekend away sometime soon.

    Andy, your stress comment made me laugh. When I was in third grade my mom got a job as a secretary in the business college at a univ. Several of the profs were quite demanding and difficult. After a year or so the other secretary asked how she stayed so calm. My mom said that after having kids the job stress was nothing!
  12. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I'm sorry things were so difficult. My difficult child 1 is illogical and irrational, so it is very hard to help her move through her life positively. My husband says it is like trying to rationalize with a terrorist. We can draw pictures, use time lines and flow charts, and she still won't see her reality. I wish I could offer advice, but I can't. All I can offer you virtual hugs and support. Hope today is better for you and your family.
  13. jennd23

    jennd23 New Member

    Oh man. I think we all get this one. I'm sorry. Its so frustrating when they get like that.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh I'm so sorry...

    No - they truly DON'T get it. They have no idea how their actions affect others....

    And they assume that anything they do is "OK" because it is an expression of how they really and truly feel at the moment...and is therefore completely valid and appriopriate.

    Hope today is a better day.

    And when is husband getting home?
  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    It's so sad but so true - difficult children really don't get it!!! difficult child 2 like lots of difficult children, believes the world revolves around his needs and that negative consequences are never caused by anything he does. I vividly remember the days when difficult child 2 would call me every four letter word imaginable one minute, and the next expect me to do something for him. difficult child 1 used to like to threaten me if I refused to give him his way and then like your difficult child, blame me for his inexcusable behavior. After all, if I just let him do xy or z, then he wouldn't have had to explode.:hammer:

    So sorry you had such a miserable weekend!!! It's definitely time for you to take a much needed weekend away... And until you're able to go, a bit of daydreaming never hurts...:beach: (We need a palm tree icon, lol...)...:sunny:... Thinking of you... SFR
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Had a whole weekend like this, I feel for you. My son says I made him get a nose bleed. The sequence of two days of anxiety and fight or flight reactions with neighborhood peers who were trying to help him play a game, my having to bring him home (not seeing he was way out of his league in terms of understanding the rules or the level of his aggression when he got frustrated with them) lead to his kicking and hitting me. During a restraint the next morning (pre medications kicking in) he flipped his body and smashed into me which restarted a bloody nose he has had on and off (due to allergies/cold) and as usual, it is my fault. Now he says I will have to go to jail. Haha... In my own "thinking bubble" I actually thought that might be a rest! Cause and effect is not one of his strong ask about memorizing every NASCAR stastic....that is a different story. I hope the work week gives you respite.

    me-47-single adoptive mom to difficult child age 14 (adopted at age 2 following brain surgery for tumor), stay at home mom after deciding to stop working for a while to care for son (was working as sp. lang path since mid 80's)
    difficult child- son age 14-Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), abi (due to blood filled brain mass and resulting surgery), cognitive delay, very oppositional, attachment issues (not unattached but definate issues), extreme anxiety issues, verbal and physical aggression, great medical, school and home support team who all work together...we are blessed that way but it has been a long time coming and always a work in progress
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2011
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon. :hugs:

    been there done that and do not want to go back... I hated my job but it was better than home for a long time...
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone for your support.

    Kiesta-To answer your question, sometimes he gets it when talking with him later but not always.

    husband got home last night right before difficult child fell asleep. I already had my weekend away in August. We try to give each other at least one weekend a year. Wish we could do it more often but it's hard!

    What is strange to me is he is so empathetic and he sees when others are behaving irrationally but doesn't see it in himself.
  19. keista

    keista New Member

    You know, DD1 was like that. For the last two years (and before) I don't know what or why it's changed in her but it has. The difference right now? No medications. BUT she is on 'mild' end of whatever it is she's got.

    Keep chipping away during the times he does get it and I will continue to hope and pray for more of those times.
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    When the problem is "developmental"... sometimes time does wonders... their brain and maturity grows to the point that for some of these kids, they actually do eventually "get it".