Not sure if he has changed or we have!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Coookie, Feb 4, 2008.

  1. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Hi Family,

    Just wanted to share how things have been since difficult child came home in December. :)

    It has been pretty good so far. He got hired at his job a month to the day that he came back and has been doing very well there. He gets up, goes to work and even if he has been out the night before he does it with very little grumbling. :D When we ride together he does say he wishes he didn't have to work today and I tell him "I wish I didn't have to either". Then we go on to talking about something else. He is even telling people that I am his mom around the airport. Shocked me when he first did it... thought he would not probably want that to be common knowledge.

    As you know his store is right across from mine and it isn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. During the "Retail Boredom" times he will wave at me and roll his eyes and when he gets a crabby customer he will give me "the look" (when they leave) if I happen to glance over there. It is almost like we are friends with a common unspoken understanding. :)

    We told him when he started working that we would not set a curfew for him and we haven't. The only thing we ask is that he doesn't stay out all night and he hasn't. When he does go out he takes my cell phone (he will be getting his own with his pay check) and he calls if he will be very late. He has basically set his own curfew. Even when he doesn't have to work the next day he is in the house by 2am.

    As far as the verbal abuse we all remember so well from my difficult child... there has been NONE. :smug: Oh there have been the remarks about how messy the house gets.... Well, yea.... I'm working fulltime now and there are 2 other people perfectly capable of picking things up... right? No longer a stay at home mom whose life is centered completely around the house. :crazy1: and I'm pretty wiped out when I get home so the house is not nearly as organized as it once was.

    difficult child and husband have been trying to do their share.... hard to break a pattern though :) but I did come home from work one day and difficult child had straightened up the house which was a pleasant surprise. :)

    I don't know if difficult child has changed or if husband and I have but I do believe that the trip to Arizona, albiet forced by husband and I, was probably one of the best things we could have done for him. He went from living in comfort to having to fend almost completely for himself. From having a home to living from motel to motel until he and his biomom (and her boyfriend) got kicked out. Not knowing where his next meal was coming from or even if he would have a roof over his head.

    When he was gone I could hardly think about him without a terrible twinge in my heart so as I said in another thread, I pushed thoughts of him out of my mind... I avoided anything that would remind me of him.. I had to do that... and I immersed myself in my job.

    I never thought that difficult child and I would mend our relationship. We always seemed to be adversaries but right now, at this time, we seem to be friends. I realize that this may not last, but I'm holding on to these moments with all I have. :)

    He brings up drinking frequently but hasn't done any .. yet .. He has been to several parties where alcohol has been served but hasn't had any. We know because when he comes home he will go into the living room and sit and talk with his dad... not immediately go to his room. I really think that after we sent him to Arizona he truly believes us when we told him he would be out if there was any drinking or drug use.

    I hesitate to hope that the worst is over, that my difficult child is maturing and making very good choices, but at this time he is and I will give him credit for that.

    Well, sorry this is so long... wanted to share my thoughts and the happenings at the Coookie house with my freinds.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sending you good thoughts. These older "kids" (I never consider them real adults) DO sometimes decide, "I'm tired of myself." My daughter did, although she was very straight forward about it with me: "I couldn't stand being me a minute longer. I had to stop." Some do have "aha" moments which is why some people quit using drugs and drinking and maybe it happened to your son. I hope so! (((Hugs))) You may want to start a nonchalant discussion about drinking to see how he feels about it.
  3. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    We have had several discussions about drinking, and pot, and he thinks it is "Unfair" and "Stupid" that pot is illegal and he can't drink until he is 21. Soooooooooooo I know how he feels about it but he, by all appearances, is choosing not to do it at this time. He has had several opportunities but perhaps the fear of being homeless outweighs the desire for getting drunk/high right now. Not sure but husband and I are hoping that he can see that he can have a good life without that stuff.

    Kinda sounds like we may be living in lala land huh? I do know that living with an "older" difficult child is a lot different than living with a younger one. :crazy1: "One Day At A Time" has never meant so much too me as it does now. :)

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sure a lot of it his experiences with his biomom. That may have been his bottom. I'm sure there will be blow-ups and battles and even some mistakes. Hopefully, all will work out in the end.

    No question that living with older children is challenging in a whole new way. The rules have to change, we have to let go and swallow hard whether they live at home or not.

    He's doing well. I hope the path he's on continues.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Robby, Im glad C is doing what he is supposed to be doing. I have always found a working difficult child is a good difficult child. As far as the other things go...if he can manage his life to the extent that you arent having it shoved in your faces, then its all on him. It sounds promising to me.
  6. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Robby - I am very happy that difficult child has decided to make some good choices. Isn't it wonderful when you have those "normal" days, where difficult child acts more like a easy child? Enjoy these moments and hold onto hope that there continues to be more good days than challenging ones.

    As for his comments on pot - - - if I had a nickel for every time I heard a teen question "why" it is illegal, I would be a millionaire. It is impressive that he is able to still attend parties, most likely with his old buddies, and refrain from those activities. That would hard for most people to handle.

    Good for him!!
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Don't ever apologize for giving us too much good news, Robby. You've earned every word of it! You give me hope that maybe one day M and I can get along. Slim hope at this point, mind, but it's a nugget of hope.
  8. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    I never thought C and I would have a relationship. NEVER... He hated me. :( I used to tell him if you do what you should things would be so different but then it always was put back on I talked, walked, etc. :greedy:

    I am hoping that he is seeing how good things are now, I think he is because the other night he did say that we have a "good family". :faint: That is something that would have never come out of his mouth before.

    I realize things could change in an instant. :sad-very: But I have also seen how they can be.

    Don't give up hope Witz, we all need to hang onto that and I really believe that M will come around. And as with C, maybe it will be around and around and around and one of these times it will stick. :)

  9. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Robby, you give me hope. Good news is always welcome news. We need to share our good times with each other, to help get us through the rough parts.

    Isn't that what CD is all about? Your good news has given me hope that my son, who thinks I'm Satan Incarnate, may one day actually see me as the overweight, loud, obnoxious, and loving parent I try to be.

    Thanks for sharing. I truly hope this is a permanent positive change for you both.

  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Cook, the one thing I notice that has changed is his arrogance and sense of entitlement. Hopefully he did mature. I'm sure he will make choices you don't like but for now you have a regular son and all the ups and downs that entails.
    His daily barrage of criticism and insults to you was so over the top that I couldn't believe the words out of his mouth. He who had not achieved one darn thing without the help and support of you and husband had a lot to say about how you should do things.
    Remember you achieved long ago and a little "know nothing, done nothing" bratty teen has no opinions that are worthy of your acknowledgement. You simply don't answer to him. Not about work, housework, cooking, driving, money, laws or anything else that he seems to think his needs to weigh in on.

    Yay, for him putting a mirror up and doing what he should. You have every reason to feel optimistic and pleased.
  11. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    It was heartwarming to read your update. It is quite amazing how far he has come in maturing, and you are very sensible and clever to enjoy it while it lasts, since one never knows . . . (excuse the pessimism). I think you are right in that sending him away and all the experiences he went through were very sobering experiences for him. It would seem to me that his appreciation for the good he has in his life with you and your husband is sincere.

    I would hope and pray that my difficult child will also have some enlightening moment or experience. He doesn't live at home, but comes by more or less every day, for a little bit of money, or for some food. He is still in the military officially, and living in an apartment that belongs to the military, but they truly do not get a salary, hardly even pocket money. But his mouth, his mouth, is so rude.

    I am going to take hope from your story, Coookie. I also truly think that it is a matter of maturity, and I hope your difficult child has reached that. It sounds as if he is doing really well.

    Great stuff!

    Love, Esther
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Fingers crossed, my friend. DDD
  13. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I'm thinking his trip out West was a real eyeopener.......hope the good behavior continues........for both of you!
  14. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Robby, I know all too well those feelings of holding on to it while you have it, with our difficult child's each good day is a blessing because it can change in the blink of an eye. This is the time that you can see that is upbringing was good and its in him to be a good man.

    Whatever the reason enjoy him now.


    PS so nice to hear the peace in your voice
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It's wonderful! :thumbsup::woohoo::jumphappy: And about dang time! :)

  16. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Robby...such a nice post. :) Baby steps. Those little glances and small compliances with household policies are HUGE with these guys. It's a touch of the real world for them.

    Everything is crossed for you and your family.

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911


    WHATEVER "it" is - just roll with it. My sons stint in an awful, unmanaged, unsupervised group home wasn't what he thought it was going to be either, and while we're still 'tweaking' about him being here, like your son (fingers crossed)

    I don't know who's changed. I do know that Dude tells us we're not like we used to be, and hey- maybe we aren't. Whatever the change is - for everyone I'm happy for you all.

    Quite a different kid than he was - eesch.

  18. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Thanks for sharing the good news, Cookie! Hoping right along with you that it continues, and enjoying it One day at A Time!
  19. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    That is great news to hear Cookie. I think as soon as I stopped letting Danny get on my one last nerve, and detached a bit from worrying both of us fared better.

  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    So glad to hear things are good at this time. RM