Not sure what to call this? Goodbye? Update?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Oct 3, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    I found this site by accident and thought that it might help me during my time of need so that I could help my son. I logged on during my time of need and most times I got no response. I did not log on for a long time after my child went to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (my Choice) to help him. My step children in the meantime destroyed our friendships with most of our so called friends relieving all of our "family secrets" of course not the ones that included them and have destroyed my marriage because we no longer talk about anything I mostly defend "my children" and him mostly blaming me for the mental damage to his "not that his drug taking, abanding his children x-wife did any danmage to their emotional state of being" Even after they were grown and gone and Know that she did not even TRY to see them -I still get the blame!
    My biological son( who is bi-polar) got into a fight yesterday because some "big shot" thought that he would back down and make himself look so "tough" ( I know not smart) and so did difficult child. They both decided to skip last period and go up to the park to fight so we were at the store and got a call to come and get difficult child or sign a release that we did not want him to go to the hosptial. He is fine no damage (except to MY HEART) I pryaed so hard and long for him NOT to go to juvy because I honestly believe that he has bipolar that he can not control his impulsive behavior or maybe a split personalality. After all of this, by the grace of GOD they found him a foster family at the last second and even though it broke my heart to pack him up, take him there and say goodbye knowing that I will not have ANY contact with him for at least a month. I prayed hard and strong that GOD will interviene and encourage him to seek the right path and I have handed him over to GOD's will and have total faith that threw our LORD he WILL be saved.
    I am not trying to preach to anyone about anything. I only know that this is what I believe and what I have tried to teach my children. This Child agrees that he has total belief in GOD and this just might be the one thing that wakes him up to prove that it is true. I have cried so hard and prayed so much I have so much faith that this will be the thing that makes difficult child know and understand who loves him and how much they do and what they are willing to sacrifice for him (threw GOD)
    I recently told our mst therapist that now that she will not be coming by to talk to me I have recently come to realize just how alone I really am.
    My easy child is doing good trying to live her own life, thats hard especially with (husband) always trying to fight with her and me playing ref.
    MY easy child is gone, MY difficult child is gone the others dont care and I..... ..I am left ALONE.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Mog - You are not alone, we are here. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself -- PLEASE call 911. Please call your pastor he can help you too. You have every reason to be sad but you also have reason to hope. Please rely on your faith in God to guide you through this tough period. Please post again and let us know how you are doing.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with-JJJ, you aren't alone anymore. Please check in!
  4. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Sometimes when we go through things in life, we look at how it affects others all the while, not understanding how it affects us. Maybe you need to have these feelings of being alone, to help you know that you really can withstand what ever life blows your way. Only when we feel totally alone can we begin to realize that no matter what, that we do have the strength within us to face each and every situation head on, and still be standing in the end.

    You are so much stronger than you think you are!! You have with stood a great many storms in life and they have yet to sweep you out to sea. Sure at time you have felt battern, torn, tired. Sure there have been days where you felt that you could simply to take one more single step with the load that you are carrying on your shoulders. But each and every time, you proved that wrong, because you put one foot in front of the other and kept going.

    You are a prize fighter that has the endurance to fight till the end of each round, with out life giving you a knock out punch. Yeah, it may get a good punch in a few time a round. It might even through a punch that drives you to the mat a few times. You might have the countdown get high a few times, but come what may, you still struggle up on your knees and get back on you feet.
    You can face another day, and the sun still shines!
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    We are here to listen to aren't alone.

    Your children do not define who YOU are. Getting involved in charities or other organizations in your neighborhood may help you to find some new friends.

    If you feel extremely depressed and you are considering what it appears, get yourself to an emergency room. Please check in.
  6. We are here to listen when you need us. ((HUGS!!))
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nope, you're not alone, even when you think you are. We'll always be here.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    mog, I felt similar to this after spending 2 years fighting to keep my son from being locked up, fighting others blaming me, going thru a custody case with extended family who wanted to take my son but for their own selfish reasons, only to end up feeling like my son then turned against me and he got locked up anyway. I was a ball of mixed emotions with no job and financially wiped out. I too had to go a month without even speaking to my son and I spent most of it crying and venting on this board. Somehow, thru all that I was able to slowly start sorting thru all those mixed feelings and now my son and I are concentrating on where to go from here- both as individuals who are responsible for ourselves and in regards to mending our relationship.

    It is very hard to face this- it's like putting the empty nest syndrome together with an unexpected tragic loss while feeling betrayed and like our efforts were for nothing and it feels devastating. But you are not alone and if you can hang in there, it will get better. If you feel like you can't hang on, then by all means, call a crisis center and talk some of this out with someone in person. We all need a shoulder and an ear sometimes.

    Remember that just because the situation is this way now doesn't mean that your son no longer needs you- he does. And he needs to see you get thru this a day at a time and not give up. They say that we teach our children how to work thru things by pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps when we have to and I'm starting to believe that.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2009
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm sorry for this latest event with difficult child, but understand that difficult child's actions are not yours. The decisions he makes are not because of, in spite of, or a result of you. You are independent of him, just as your independent of easy child.

    I suggest calling your pastor, as soon as your can, and sharing how you are feeling. He will be able to speak, better than we, to your situation and where you go from here.

    Please check back in with us today. The tone of your post has us a little worried.

  10. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Mog, if you feel you can't talk to your pastor and want anonymity, there are numbers in the front of the the phone book to all kinds of helplines. Please look there if you feel the need to talk to a live person.

    And of course, we're here, too, 24/7. Please check in. We're worried about you.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with everyone else. You are never alone. Also, you dont have to leave here just because your difficult child leaves the home or grows up. Many of us have grown up kids who are elsewhere but we are still here. My youngest difficult child is 23 years old and doesnt live with me. I am still here because it is my home. Always has been and most likely always will be.

    You can always come here to talk to us.
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Mog -

    Once a member of this board, always a member.

    You are not alone.

  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hey Mog -

    I'm sending you a very gentle hug.

    I wish I had words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that truly, you are *not* alone.

    Perhaps with difficult child in a stable placement now, it's time to start focusing on you. What do you want to do with- the rest of your life? What do you enjoy? What brings you happiness and peace?

    I'm sending you many good thoughts.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending you many soft hugs. There's always someone here to listen. You aren't alone.
  15. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sending good thoughts your way. Post as often as you need to, we are here.

  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As the others have said you are not alone, we're always here whether or not your difficult child is at home. Sending you the gentlest of hugs.
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Although I don't have more than one child with special needs, I do understand the trials and tribulations of having a difficult child. AND there was a time when both of my children were having difficult child and one temporary difficult child. and I can tell you, those were very tough times. I really feel for you. Probably the best thing you can do is get help from professionals and friends whom you can trust. Those who are clueless, don't worry too much about them. And those who are unkind, let their words go in one ear and out the other. Are you able to get counseling for yourself? What about your own spiritual guidance? I agree, it sure can be helpful. husband and I also got help from Family Anonymous meetings. Many here have more than one child who are causing concerns. You are not alone. Do your best, try to find things to do that you enjoy and hold your head up high. Remember, you are not alone.
  18. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    Im new here, but here for you also! Many loving hugs.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911


    First off - I would like to extend my personal apology for not responding to more of your posts when you reached out. For me personally? I hang out a lot on the Watercooler and get here and the PE because some days I have no ability to deal with more than that. Other days? I'm flame retardant and could fight dragons in the buff.

    Most of the time when I'm not sure what to say to help or if someone else has said something that is just brilliant? I'll post my support in hugs and then somedays I re read that I just sent hugs and thing - Ish Star...that was all you had to give - would have been better to have said nothing. So don't ever measure the love that you get by the posts you receive. Plenty of people here read or lurk without ever responding. Lots of us have multi-lives and quick-read and then include you in our prayers daily. You'll just never know.

    Now - as far as that "loosing most of your friends thing" (AAAAaaaaaachk-phooey) Yeah lemme tell you something girl. MY SON...has cut more loosers from the proverbial herd than I can count. Over the years as they dropped from sight and my presence? I have considered myself FORTUNATE to not have them darken my doorway. Why? Simple - if they were REAL friends or at least the calibre of friends I have met HERE? THEY WOULD STILL BE MY FRIENDS DESPITE ANYTHING MY SON HAD DONE. Period. END of conversation. Because what my SON has done - whether it be convicted burglary felon, or almost be on an episode of cops, or get in my face screaming I HATE YOU, or cursing even though we are "do the finger quote" Christians...? Isn't all that about FORGIVENESS? - where are they in their forgiveness? And their love? And their WALK to be Christ like? Or Buddah like? Or One with the Universe? Or whatever like? Sheesh - count that one as a WIN-WIN - and enjoy the solitude of the sounds of blissful silence in having NO friends if that's what TRUE friends are going to be like. Then get a rescue dog or a special needs cat that will remain loyal. Or again - come here and post and lend your knowledge to a newbie. But for petes sake don't just leave us without getting more than 200 posts under your belt. Know what I mean?? ~ Give to get..;) I'm ALWAYS up for anything. (almost anything anyway) and Spiritually? You can PM me anytime since it's TABU on the board. I have had an interesting walk. Pretty much through every kind of natural disaster - figuratively and literally - but I'm an overcomer not a survivor. I wanted more than to just tell people I made it - I wanted to get there and live. And be something that people looked at and said - Wonder what kind of good drug she's on. :tongue: (Technically Welbutrin but that's another post)

    And as far as your son being in a Foster Home....(UFFDA) yeah..not ideallic huh? (pushes coffee cup across to friend and hands box of Puffs plus - cause they have Aloe and you've been crying a lot - they are really really soft for your nose) But you know something....with every single placement I begrudgingly put my son in? I would cry all the way home and get so angry at everyone. EVERYONE....even (points up) and I mean ANGRY. WhooT....Like HOW could HE do that to my could this happen?? Lots of questions I wanted answers for NOW! Not in 10 years.....Not in another placement....Not living in Department of Juvenile Justice or prison or a FOSTER home.....not -not under MY roof...And then it hit me one night...that no matter where he is.....this is his life....and I had to let go. and that hurt worst of all. Because for most of MY life - and ALL of his life to that point? I'd been protecting him and being a warrior for him and defending him and sticking up for him - and now he was gone - and I had no one to protect and it left me empty....SO THEN.....(and this is REALLY bizarre) I started picking ---at things and TRYING to make things bad so that I would have something to do. Crazy huh? It was like my brain was telling my body to CREATE chaos so that it had that purpose again - and the need was fulfilled. Then I could function. I had zero clue how to relax and let things be.....I literally needed the crazy life to survive.

    So.....I had to learn how FIRST to let go and let (points up) and I said it...but man I kept butting in.....and (laughing) was still trying to manipulate it and do it on MY terms to some degree. Well that didn't work. ...Think mustard seed - it will help. Then I had to literally learn breathing techniques. I swear at 42 I didn't know how to breathe or relax. So that was a bonus....sounds goofy - but really - we don't breathe right. And we're all so tense - GO GET A MASSAGE....(not kidding) and find out something that you ENJOY to do. I got asked my my therapist WHAT DO YOU LIKE to do for FUN and could not answer him. Had no clue because EVERYTHING I did - was either difficult child or WORK related. I'm 45 - I have not had (to this day) a vacation since I was 16. No joke. Don't be like that. Find something to do....a passion - a hobby - and do it. FOR YOURSELF....I'm getting my "mojo" back as it were and I'm a lot happier....and soon I hope to really take a vacation. A real one - where I do Just be. So that's the next thing - have a goal. ;)

    As far as your kids? You know what? They grow up and they leave. Fact of life. If you want them to come back and visit? Then you had better learn how----to be the best mog you can be - and get a life for yourself...and become happy, mellow and full of life and stop living for them. If you live for you??? They get curious and want to know -----like I said - What good drugs you're on....honest -----and eventually you can say with a sassy little dance and a smile on your face and a laugh in your heart....just love and life kids.....and lots of prayers.

    So....(pours more coffee) -----you with the frownie face......and the kid in foster care. I have one in there too. He's possibly BiPolar (BP) as well. NOT FUN. BUT.....while he is there? YOU figure out what makes mog happy - and let the foster family help your son - and find mog. Hope you enjoyed the coffee, the chat.....and sorry I had nothing to serve but sugar free box cookies but I'm sticking to this bloody sugar free diet loosing weight and you wanna talk about finding yourself - yesterday I found my feet....amazing. Right there all the time....:laugh:

    You take care and come back......and gimme a holla on one of my posts some time. HOLLA' (that's not Hola like in Espanol....that HOLLA like in that guinea pig movie...) Or like in West Virginia....if you go way back in the woods - there's a Holler...but the guine pigs leave off the r.

    Hugs & Love -
    ps.....also take this time to learn how to detach.....101. It's a life saver for you and your son. We'll help. Swear =-===everytime I think I'm gonna do something weak? I see 1/2 the board memebers here in my mind with crossed arms and tapping foots and eyebrows raised shaking heads like - OH NO YOU DO NOT...and it' really helps curb my inhibitions...(they're a scary....but LOVELY bunch)

  20. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member are amazing. And if MOG wasn't listening.....I was.