Now she's not turning herself in!!!!???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    She called me last night and what a switch from the last few phone calls I got from her. The last two times she called she was nice, pleasant, not talking in the ghetto slang with the fake ghetto accent. She sounded stable and wanted to do the right thing. Well last nights phone call was totally different! She was back in her ghetto persona. Cursing and just being nasty. I knew right away how this phone call was going to go as soon as I picked up the phone. Instead of saying "Hi mommy" like she has been, she said "Whats good yo". Okay so now I brace myself as I know whats coming! I didn't let her bait me into an argument though. I asked her if she was going to turn herself in and she began her rant. I stayed calm, did not react. I asked her if she was high as she sounded, not really out of it, but very tired. She got mad and of course said no, she is sober. I really doubt that. So she was mad and told me "Get the f**K out of her with that bull sh*t, f**k you, bye" and hung up.

    I felt so uneasy all night. Could not fall asleep and when I finally did at 5:30 this morning I had a horrible nightmare about her. I dreamed that I caught her prostituting. So today, I feel horrible. This is such a roller coaster. I am so sick of it all!!! Every time the phone rings my heart sinks and I get a nervous feeling all over. I am so afraid of whats to come. It's like waiting for a bomb to go off. You never know when it will blow, but you know its going to!!! I just want her to get caught already, this way I can have some peace knowing she is safe and contained in jail. How sad is that?

    I hope everyone is having a better day than me!

    Shawna :(
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    :(, I'm so sorry, you must feel as if you are attatched to a bungie cord being bounced around like this. Hope the sweet girl returns in time to do the right thing.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Next time you hear her ghetto-speak just tell her you will talk to her when she is back to being the real 'insert daughter's name here'. And hang up. She is nothing but rude when she has that voice going anyway, right? So, just hang up. If she is anything like my difficult child it is highly likely that the next day she will call all sweet again and expect you to have forgotten the day before as well.

    The reason you should refuse to speak to her alter-ego is she needs to recognize that it exists. If she is anything like my difficult child she often denies ever being like that alter-ego is. If you refuse to speak to her then you can refer her to the times you have hung up on her when she was acting this way. This will help her realize that it is real.

    Dreams are just dreams and not omens - at least that is what I tell myself when I have a disturbing one. They are not reality (that is what I repeat over and over in my head! LOL!)
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I think busywend's advice is good... but I also think you handled the call quite well, all things considered.

    These kids are SO unpredictable aren't they? It's so hard to trust and get comfortable with the good days, when the bad days inevitably come again ... sigh.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, I'm so sorry things are going downhill. Refusing to talk to "the other" sounds like a good idea. Many hugs.
  6. AnnMarieTN

    AnnMarieTN New Member

    Oh Shawna, I have had you on my mind and was hoping she would go ahead and turn herself in. (((hugs)))
  7. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I was soo concerned when she was doing better. It is imposible to detach when she is working to improve, and knew it would be easy for her to slip again. I hope and pray she gets caught so she can recover without the effect of drugs around her.

    Spend sometime thinking about yourself.
  8. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I've been waiting for an update on your daughter. I was concerned she would not go through with turning herself in when you told her she'd be facing jail time.

    You did the right thing when you refused to engage in her argument - you are still entitled to set reasonable boundaries with her - even when she doesn't live with you.

    In fact, when N* starts using gangsta wannabe language when she's on the phone with someone else, but within my earshot, I will tell her to leave the room. If she starts it up when I'm on the phone with her, I tell her I don't speak gangsta wannabe, and she can either speak clearly without the vulgarity, or I will hang up. Usually, I have to hang up.

    Funny, when she's tired, sick, needy and whiny, I NEVER hear gangsta wannabe speak.

    Hold your ground! - and I'm hoping she will realize very soon she needs to face the consequences of her actions, and the sooner, the better.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Bran,
    I'm not at all surprised she changed her mind about turning herself in, I would have been surprised had she actually done it. With my own difficult child 1 I just take whatever she tells me with a grain of salt. It may or may not be true but it is her life, I don't have to jump in there. I think busywend gave you great advice. And if you can, try not ride the roller coaster with her, you are free to get off. I know how hard it is to get your hopes up only to have them dashed but if you can remain detached you won't get sucked into it as easily. I am lucky in that my difficult child is on the other side of the country so I really have no way to know what is going on for sure. I do know how hard it is, don't mean to be preachy, I certainly am speaking from a been there done that place!

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Nope - not much better here. Had the meltdown of all meltdowns and the language that nearly - I swear I think it took the paint off the hood of my car. (I should take a picture) it was the most awful, 1 hour, F this F that I hope I did, who cares about ANYONE, himself, Steven - he hopes he dies, he wants to go to the state his biodad lives in and start doing what he does - SCREW UP PEOPLES LIVES, sell drugs, sell kids for drugs, then not get in trouble, then go to jail for some BS...and then get out and do it all over again.. YUP and every other word was F, GD, or F and GD, and S and MF and it was really hard to follow why he was so angry (I have a good idea - he went and found the crash site of Stevens wreck and they really didn't even clean up stuff - the bumper to the car was still laying in the ditch - and he said it looked like a bomb went off inside the car and blew bits and bits and bits all over the place. So I'm thinking that's where his foul mouth, bad attitude and argument with DF was coming from. Didn't matter that he nearly went left of center while driving and almost killed us all in the van - but DF reacted and then OVERreacted and that set the mood....

    By 11:00 I chewed 2 aspirin for the chest pains, felt like I was in a tunnel and couldnt' hear anyone, was dizzy, my right arm was cold as ice and I just sat with the dogs and cried.

    So yeah - even if I wasnt' with you last night, I was with you last night.

    I'm reading a book on dealing with children and grief that is very good - BUT-----it doesn't have ANYTHING in it like this - so now maybe it's an opportunity to write a book about death of heart, death of dreams, death of purpose, death of a friend - all of it. I'm really sorry from the bottom of my achey, breaky crampy tight heart. BTdoingThat....

    More understanding than you know.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm so sorry she did such an about-face. I agree that when you hear the "talk" you should just hang up. -RM
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. wethreepeeps

    wethreepeeps New Member

    If it were me, I would be so tempted to reply, "yo, dawg, me and my homies are kickin' it old school up here in the crib." If she complains you can reply, "Whattup, G, don't bounce, cause that's just how I roll." and then tell her it sounds equally ridiculous coming out of her mouth.
  14. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm so sorry for the run around "reality". This is crazy making behavior. difficult child 2 left a message on our machine cursing us out for being "childish" because we have to keep our distance, said he wanted us to be part of his life, ended his loving message with "f***k you!" That sure makes us want to talk to him!!!
    Good luck, Bran, this is soooo hard.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry. But I hope this convinces you that you have to let the charges stand and let the courts deal with her. She is obviously out of control on drugs, and you just can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Oh I know you want to believe the good stuff, but it's all an act. She will only change when it gets too uncomfortable to stay the same.

    And now you have to practice your detachment skills.

  16. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    You must be a nervous wreck. Hugs for you.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I agree, don't validate the ghetto persona.

    I'm wondering - I'd be suspecting she's doing it for an audience, she's calling out of bravado (maybe a friend suggested shecall you, maybe she's calling to ask for money or whatever) but her "attitude" sounds to me like a show she's putting on for whever else in in the room with her. "Listen to me, I can talk real tough with my mother, I'm really hard, I'm one of you lot, look up to me and respect me."

    I used to get something a bit like this with easy child when she brought friends home. Normally a really grat kid who showed respect, she would suddenly back-talk me, make insulting remarks and try to lauh about it, generally try to sound rude but superior, as if trying to send the message to her friends, "I rule the roost in tis house" and seemingly confident that I wouldn't shame her in front of her friends. Of course, when I DID call her on it in front of her friends, ir provoked the mother of all rows.

    With easy child I was able to say to her (after her friends had left), "Why do you behave so badly when your friends are there? What are you trying to prove to them? Do you think they will respect you more, when they hear you disrespecting me? Because if you can't keep a civil tongue in your head when you talk to me like that because you have friends over, then your friends will not be welcome even though THEY are not the problem."

    Your daughter sounds like this, but ramped up a few orders of magnitude. If she's doing this to try to impress, then HER audience needs to see her get hung up on. The consequences need to be bigger. Stay polite, don't shout back or lower yourself to her level, but your attitude has to be - "I received a very unpleasant phone call from some ghetto freak who I don't know. We don't receive calls like that in this household, we deserve better tretment than that."
    And the message to her - just as she talks disrespectfully and in this ghetto act, with whoever listening on to her in the room with her, they will see her suddenly talking to a dead phone. They will personally witness the let-down in her of suddenly no audience. She will lose face immediately in front of others. THAT will work better than any quiet interaction just between you two.

    Ghetto talk doesn't work, it doesn't get you what you want. It's an act, it's stupid, it's a waste of a phone call. It's not HER. And the sooner she gets that message, the better for all of you.

    She's treating you terribly, so stand your ground (not that it's going to make any difference now, she's done herself too much damage). Your nightmares are your fears. If sh'e prostituting herself - you can't do anything about it. She will do what she will do. All you can do is be there for her within your own limitations, when the crunch comes. Sorry. It's not pretty right now. She needs treatment, but until she takes responsibility for herself, I don't think there's anything more you can do, except work hard to not enable her in any way. The sooner she hits rock bottom, the sooner she can begin her own climb back up.

    Until then - it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. All you can do is roll bandages and wait.

    I wish I could say something more cheerful, but I won't give you false hope and try to say things untrue, just to make you feel better. Just keep telling yourself - you are not to blame. She is doing this to herself. she is an adult. You have done a superhuman job but now you have to let her find her own feet because she won't let you do a parenting job any more.

    Be strong, and focus on your son.

  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Compassion, I am SO SORRY. Maybe she was high when she called you. My daughter could turn on a dime if she was high. It was like two different people. Perhaps she will still decide to minimize the damage and turn himself in. (((Hugs)))
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Starr, I want to give you (((big hugs))) too. How horrible.
    I'm so sorry that two of my CD Family members are hurting. Sending good wishes and prayers...
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Bran, I am so sorry.