Just reread your entire story.
It seems she may have originally gotten into the situation with this guy to be rebellious but then it turned into something else.
I think he put her on the car to trap her. I would never mingle my money with a man's unless we were married. But just because her name is on the car doesn't mean she should be chained to him forever. I'd let my credit go to the dogs before I'd tie myself to someone I did not want to be with.
It sounds like right now she is living the way she wants to live although she tells you differently. She is the only one that can change her life. You cannot do it. You have done everything in your power to stand by her and support her, even when your own health is at risk.
I would see a therapist for yourself and set some healthy boundaries with her. You are on the crazy train with her and it is taking over your entire life!!
It is not good for you and not helping her. I would tell her when she is ready to move home you will help her but in the meantime I would somewhat limit my exposure to all of this for your own good.
I would also worry about that gun and call the police and ask them if you are able to leave an anonymous tip with them about him having it.
It's sad your daughter is wasting so much time with this guy if she is not happy. She must be getting something out of the relationship though. I think she has to come to terms with how her life is now and if she wants to change it. She is the ONLY person that can do that. You cannot and should not make yourself sick over her daily trials. This is her choice right now.
Stay strong. We are pulling for you!
I very much agree with you in that I believe she got into this by being rebellious and then it turned into something much more than she bargained for. I told my husband that I too think there is just even something slight that seems to keep her there. What on earth it could possibly be, I have no idea and can not even imagine. The day after I wrote my last post, August 17th, she once again sent me a random text, " I hate myself." No elaboration, just that. Yet, the unhappiness is written all over her face. He has not purchased anything for the apartment...at least a can opener or toaster that I know of so far. He should clearly be on his own without her whatsoever but this deadbeat would not have ever left the nest had his stepfather not finally given them the ultimatum. Also, she mentioned his uncle wanting to give them a kitten to take off his hands and I overheard my daughter talking to this crazy man repeating what she was to get at the store...litter was clearly one of them. I did not say anything at this point..not to mention, my girls have grown up with dogs, and though we love animals in general, a cat was not our preference for a pet and she has said many times she does not care for a cat as a pet. Nevertheless, she apparently has one I feel certain. My other daughter saw the post of a cat and asked her the other day and she denied it in one breath and showed the picture of all of the kittens his uncle had, but my other daughter proceeded to say she saw One kitten in her post. She said you should give it away to someone who will take care of it. My daughter then asked, "Why?" I also finally told her if she and he had money to take on the responsibility of a kitten, then she should have the necessities she needs. She kept repeating to me.."why do you keep saying a kitten?" She also recently had cellulitis once again(about the 7th or 8th time in less than a year) and a "rash" on her upper thigh or near her abdomen and she thought that was ringworm. Well I told her that infected animals can spread ringworm. She asked me " what do you mean?" So I feel very certain she in fact has a kitten, but once again..one lie after another.
Well for those of you that may not know, Cellulitis untreated can be fatal. It starts out as a small red or inflamed spot, perhaps from a cut, shaving, bite and then spreads to the deeper layers of skin. Once you have had it, you are more susceptible of getting it again. She advised me a week ago yesterday she had another spot on her leg, near her knee. Well Fridays and Sundays are this mans days off(hers too as she accommodated his scheduled except for classes on Friday and since school-working Sunday mornings) so seeing her on these days is out of the question. Since classes resumed last week, she is working on Tues, Thurs, Sat, and Sun mornings 5 A.M.-2 P.M. Well my birthday was this past Sunday. My husband and I went to Mass, lunch at a restaurant on the water-very beautiful and peaceful, and then to a few shops to look around. I had a wonderful start of the day. My daughter merely mentioned the day before, let me know when you want your gift. She knew we were going to either lunch or dinner. That particular Sunday she not only had been scheduled for work, but a training class from 4-7 and then back to her restaurant at 9 for what they call a "Bread Bash" meeting-talking about new products coming out. She has had this before in the past, so I believed this. However, her cellulitis, was progressing and she continued sending me pictures of it from last Thursday night through Sunday. She clearly could have come with us and spent the day as she called out from work Sunday as she was in pain from her leg. Before I knew she was not going to work, I told her that it was my Birthday and she has 5 minutes at some point to stop by. She said nothing. But she certainly continued texting me and sending pictures of her leg and finally called just as my husband and I were coming back home. She asked me to meet her at the doctors and wanted to know where we were. I told her we were on the way home and should be within 30 minutes. Before I could barely get in the door, she was ringing the doorbell. She said she had no money to pay the doctor. The other day when my other daughter was here, she also asked her why her boyfriend did not take her to the doctor and waited three days. I suppose she wanted the attention taken off me on my Birthday and given to her. She should have been to the doctor well before my Birthday.
She replied it is not his concern or his place to take me or pay for it. My husband would not have thought twice about not taking me if my mother had not been available back then when we were dating.
Yes, I finally have seen a counselor twice so far. The first day was a lot of questions and the second time after meeting, the counselor did say she felt that was acceptable to pay for her doctor as a mother would be worried and concerned and knowing the seriousness of it but that I specifically paid the doctor directly and her medicine and did not give money to her. You are absolutely right. My objective is to set healthy boundaries primarily. This crazy train with her is just that ...absolutely crazy. I did a trial test this week as I have seen her Monday through Thursday. I had a few errands to do and we have had lunches this week. I was hesitant even with the doctor initially because I am no longer begging her or stressing myself out with something she knows is critical. I told the counselor if she has money for things she does not need, kitten for example,apartment etc. then why should I pay? Even an apartment that she denies paying rent for.. She says she has no money and it goes here and there. While she may not make much and one check alone would go towards her car note and gas, she has some funds leftover, especially since she doesn't pay for anything else according to her. When we were out Tuesday, I stopped to get gas. She followed me and begged me to get her gas...started asking for $10, then $5. I said absolutely NO. Five dollars will not get you far anyways and she said I have school. I said I am sorry it is not my place. So when we proceeded to the store for me to pick up a few items, she started looking at some steaks and chicken and asked me what she should cook-she does not cook---for dinner? I said I do not know what you want to buy. She said I don't have money. I asked her what her plans were for food in her apartment as it is not my responsibility. She replied "Really."
After we were done there, she followed me back home. She asked me if I would get her some potatoes from KFC. My husband wanted something too, so I went. I told her I would buy her potatoes. I knew exactly where she was going with this. So this was part of my trial test so to speak so that I can discuss further with the counselor. Basically it is a simple No, I am not buying food for your household and feed that man but to let her know the things I go through with her. So we get to the restaurant and she proceeds to ask me.."Why don't you just get a bucket of chicken?" I asked her "For What?" I was not feeling so well and had a late lunch so I did not eat that evening. I said we do not need all of that nor am I going to buy that. I said you only wanted potatoes. Well we all know she was planning on taking this idiot back some dinner. I did buy her the $5 meal and my husband and did get her the extra potatoes. Early this week she asked me to meet her at Chick father in law A..... I asked her what "he" was eating for dinner. She said she was buying his dinner there. I asked her why he was not buying hers. Her response was " Can you meet me now?" avoiding my question. Well she wanted me to buy hers. So I specifically told her I would get one sandwich or nugget meal and that would be all. I know exactly what she is doing. She does not want to use her money and will not tell him this but buys his and then in turn wants me to buy hers. Well this week was it. Enough is enough. What a life at 19 and throw it all away for someone she is allowing to destroy her. I need peace in my life as I am sure we all do and this she can continue to wallow in her self-pity but I will rise above this and hopefully one day she will too.
I continue my prayers and devotions daily. As Psalms 73: 26 says: My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
Those who desert him will perish, for you destroy those who abandon you.
