Now that my disabled children have been raised, my oldest has questions about the child that *SHE* is raising.


Active Member
The PAST! One year ago

My daughter is doing well at this point. However, she and her husband were at an anime' festival when she saw a very young woman in a potentially dangerous situation with an abusive boyfriend, and they stepped in. To make a long story short the security threw the abusive boyfriend out, but the young woman had no car, no way to get home, and her home was not safe either. So my daughter and her husband said "come home with us and we will sort this out". And it was decided that the young woman should stay

My daughter and her husband are now re-parenting (is that a word?) this young woman who has schizophrenia and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She functions on about a 15 year old level. This young woman has frequent auditory hallucinations as well as problems with her memory (that is common with the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) diagnosis). And she is on full disability: her birth Mom wanted to keep it but after she had lived with my daughter for about 9 months Social Services eventually accepted my Son in Law as her Payee instead of giving it to her birth Mom, who would have kept it. SRS has a case pending against the birth Mom but that has nothing to do with the problem


This young woman constantly needs her support system. Yes she can take her pills but she needs to be reminded WHEN to take her pills, and setting an alarm for her is not as successful as they had hoped. Yes she can cook half a dozen things but does not understand a balanced diet. She can read but has trouble with writing: her Mom is, and has been, an alcoholic and her education is pretty hit or miss.

1. MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE CAN QUALIFY AS A PAID CAREGIVER, AND WHO TO TALK TO ABOUT IT? My daughter would like to know how to qualify as a paid caregiver, as this young woman cannot really function on her own at this time: she functions like a 15 year old. And my daughter has NO idea who to ask! My daughter, who is bipolar, has worked on-again off-again but is mostly supported by her husband.

In short right now my daughter is a housewife and knows very little about the world of disability and does not know what questions to ask or who to ask them of. AND the girl that she is reparenting only has an elementary school education: she is learning what my daughter is teaching her so she CAN learn: her birth Mom apparently was a poor teacher.

2. The second bit is already in progress: my bipolar daughter is going to ask HER therapist how she can learn about raising somebody with schizophrenia, as my daughter does not know nearly enough about it. So that is being taken care of.

Lastly, 3. My daughter wants to know how she can ask for support without sounding whiny, and especially WHO TO ASK IT OF. My daughter has a kind heart and she has become very fond of this young woman and honestly regards her as an adopted child. No adoption can be done at this time because of COVID (the courts are only hearing essential cases) but if they could adopt her they would adopt her. The young woman she has semi-adopted has fallen through the cracks of the system and my daughter is trying to help her find a life that is worth living.

That is all for the moment. My daughter is visiting me right now, and with tears streaming down her face she said she did not know what to do or where to learn it. And so I thought about this forum, because 20 years ago I sat down with tears streaming down MY face about MY disabled kids, and I found both good advice and comfort.

I tried to get my daughter to come here directly, but I think she is feeling a bit shy. So I thought that I would ask for her and share the replies with her


Well-Known Member
Dear Terri

I don't have time to answer but willdo my best to come back later today. I am missing how old is this girl. If you are in the United States The Regional Center, Vocational Rehabilitation, County Mental Health, Job Corps and Social Security are places to begin, depending on the age of the girl. Did she finish school?

I am concerned that your daughter has a realistic understanding of the responsibility she's taking on, the potential legal situation, and all of the rest. I think this aspect is every bit as important as the circumstances of this young person. I would hate for her to get herself in a situation that would blow up in her face.


Active Member
Thank you, I have passed those sites on to my daughter.

My daughter is 27, and I am pretty sure she knows the risks. She has been working closely with this girl's case worker, and he appears to be pretty good. HE has approved of everything my daughter has done.

There is very little legal risk as the girl is now 20, even though she functions at a much lower level. She was living with her Mom, but her Mom let her cross state lines with a known predator who has charges pending against him because she trusted the man. And, in spite of this girl being almost illiterate she was given a High School Diploma, which s a shame but that is what the situation is. If she had not had that diploma my daughter could have gotten help from the schools because she is less than 21: as it is there is a retired teacher in my Son-in-Law's family and they have been relying on her for educational advice.

Yes, we do live in the USA.

Lastly, the girls old case worker, the one she had when she was living in another state, has been removed from being a case worker and has been reassigned to straight secretarial work as she had ignored many, many red flags and basically not done her job. My daughter has been told that Social Services will probably sue her birth parents for fraud, but not until the courts open up for non-urgent matters. My daughter has also been told that this does NOT involve either her or the girl: this is between Social Services and her Mother. The girl's Mom was her Rep Payee, and as such she is responsible to the government for how the money was spent.

For those who do not know what a Rep Payee does, I am a Rep Payee for my younger child. As such his disability check is sent to me and I then make certain his bills are paid. I take the money left after his bills are paid and I put a set amount into savings toward unexpected expenses and I give him the rest and help him shop for clothes and other needed things. Anything left from that goes into his pocket. I keep all of the receipts BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE TO THE GOVERNMENT to show that the money was spent on his expenses. And, just as I am responsible as a Rep PAyee to the government for his disability checks, so is this girl's Mom responsible to the government because she was her daughter's Rep Payee

My daughter is 27 and this girl is 20 and acts like she is 15 or so. My daughter had cared for her for a year, now, and regards her as her adopted daughter. While this is a bit unusual, both of my kids are adopted so perhaps for her this is less of a stretch