Now, what is wrong with this picture?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO told me he wanted me to meet the "director" of detention reentry at the detention center, then after that meet with him (PO) on Tues.- just the two of us- then we could meet with detention reentry director and then some time after that, meet with reentry lady and her director. He said our mtg Tues would be "for me to tell him which services and source of funding I wanted' and to get on a unified front and that he thought breaking all these mtgs down and having them gradually would be a good step-by-step process. OK. I don't need all those mtgs with directors but whatever.

    Then I go visit with difficult child today and the "director" (who's really a coordinator at the detention center and has nothing at all to do with this reentry program because the don't even have that developed yet) is the one doing the check-in and he says to me "you are going to be at the mtg Tues, right?" I asked what mtg and he says "didn't PO contact you?" I said he contacted me about a mtg just between the 2 of us, which is schedlued for Tues. afternoon, and then the coordinator looked confused. difficult child told me he'd had lunch with the coordinator and they'd talked and there is a mtg scheduled for 10:00 am Tues with difficult child, detention coordinator, reentry lady, and PO. Why wasn't I even informed of this, much less invited? And why was I being led to believe that I was mtg with PO Tues afternoon to tell PO what I preferred for services?

    See, this is where things go awry. I guess I'll be calling PO 1st thing Tues am and telling difficult child, if he calls tomorrow, not to commit to ANYTHING until his mom and/or an attny is there and involved....he might be on parole, but he's still a minor and has a parental guardian. Period. This is the very manipulation tactic they use- get the kid to agree to anything just to get home then make it look like Mom is the bad guy for not buying into their "plan" to get the kid home. And they wonder why it's so hard to teach a teen to stop trying to manipulate and do under-handed koi.
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2012
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    More hinkiness. Did you ever get ahold of your lawyer?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I had gotten a hold of difficult child's old def attny- he didn't want to spend much time talking to me, saying he's tied up with other things and that is true to his course and always has been....he never was much of a defense for difficult child and overbooks himself for all his "clients"- who all happen to be juveniles and court apptd. But anyway, difficult child asked about that again today so when he calls again, I'm going to give him his def attny's phone # and if he doesn't at least make 1 useful phone call this week, I'll call the old GAL back and ask for another def attny for difficult child. difficult child is still under Department of Juvenile Justice custody as long as he's in the detention reentry and doesn't get another street charge, meaning the attnys/authorities from the last jurisdiction are still the ones defending him because he's on the same sentence they committed him on.

    I just think it's a real shame that all this funding, laws, etc, that are meant to help kids end up being monkeyed with by csu so instead of me being able to stick to what is in his best interest, I have to move to concentrating on how to keep their cliqueish and power-trip behavior from undermining any effort to rehabilitate my kid so they can do wahtever.

    And I'm seriously interested in finding out how this youth commission (ie, reentry program) is justifying receiving fed funding around 18-24 mos ago for the very needs these kids have, got state approval and laws passed to use it, and according to our state gov are now piloting a program in this jurisdiction to see how it's working, yet by all accounts- even when I called and asked a few days before difficult child's arrival- they don't have the guidelines written and in place yet. How does that work? How long after you receive the fed money and get the law passed in your state and claim to be piloting the program are you supposed to actually have established guidelines in place? Shoud it really take close to 2 flippin years? I'm thinking the fed gov could have held onto our taxpayers dollars until this place figured out a plan on how to spend the money first.

    difficult child is just livid because he's being held past his release date and wondering why his PO had NONE of this figured out before the people in the Department of Juvenile Justice facility signed off on his release. I can't say I blame difficult child for that. And difficult child said he saw the 2 duffle bags. He didn't mention what was in him and neither did I, but I swear, he said "that just goes to show you- they don't know what they are doing".

    I was in court for an admin hearing several years ago re difficult child but difficult child wasn't there. I told them then, under oath, I don't think the problem is that this state needs more money- I don't think they know how to spend the money they have wisely and I think that's the problem.
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2012
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    So, once again, the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. Not really all that surprising.

    My main question is "Did you tell the man absolutely I will be there" Evidently there has been some confusion so I am so glad that you mentioned our meeting?"

    If there is a meeting at 9...go there and be a listener and note taker. If there is a meeting at there and be a listener and note taker. IF there is a joint meeting that includes difficult child be there and approach it with an apparently positive attitude.."oh, I understand from difficult child that we are all meeting together at x. I'm looking forward to it."

    You really need to totally hear and take notes at all meetings that you can manage to attend. I'm still hoping that they are just inept and not evil intentioned. The best way to know is go. Hugs DDD
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My understanding from difficult child and the detention reentry coordinator is that the mtg is at 10:00 and includes those two and PO and reentry lady- bascily, everyone but me was invited and notified. I've tried every way in the world but I see no way this can be anything but intentionally trying to get things set up and in place prior to my involvement- all under the guise that PO is mtg with me privateely FIRST tomorrow afternoon to get my input and preference for services at home. What gets started there, at the detention center, has to be continued at home. This is reentry lady and PO making sure this woman's co's services are being provided no matter what. But all they have is that anger management course which ditches the one difficult child just finished instead of building on it. They have a gang program but that doesn't apply to difficult child.

    I'm not happy that PO didn't at least call me Fri and tell me about this and tell me what is wwas about, even if they didn't need me there for some reason- I think I'm supposed to be a part of this transition plan, right?
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    But isn't that the meeting that Coordinator asked you to attend? If so, why can't you say to PO at the nine meeting or at the near end of it "Coordinator asked if I would be attending the meeting at ten today and I have clearned my schedule. Am I also invited by you to attend?" Pleasantly. If nothing else his response will be interesting and he might feel compelled to say "Oh, sure."

    It's time for them to stop seeing you as a loose cannon and see you as a team player! DDD
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    There is 9:00 mtg that I'm aware of. The only ones I know of are this big one at 10:00 and then mtg with PO at his office, just the 2 of us, at 4:30.

    They may be claiming I'm a loose cannon but they have no reason to. The first plan was for difficult child to come straight home with no services. Then PO claimed we'd meet with his super and reentry lady to discuss things. Then they got mad at the mtg because I showed up with a list of concerns, questions, and ideas that I thought might address difficult child/my specific issues that resulted in his downfall last time. Then I complained to authorities when they took the position that difficult child would go to post d long-term GH and they didn't care if I agreed or not. in my humble opinion, they are to blame because PO hasn't done anything on the up-and-up. His claim that he had custody of difficult child while difficult child was on parole obviously didn't pan out because if he did, he would have been able to sign difficult child into GH.

    They were supposed to have a CM assigned and involved mos ago but still don't. PO was supposed to visit difficult child every 90 days while at the Department of Juvenile Justice facility and he went once and had one video-conference. They are lame. So why do we have these laws- and the PO visiting every 90 days in law in this state, not just policy, and where is that fed funding going?
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit confused:

    9 AM meeting: Who's going and were you invited or just informed fyi?
    10 AM meeting: Coordinator indicated you were included. PO has not mentioned it.
    PM meeting: Just you and PO?


    PS: I wasn't indicating that you are a "loose cannon". I was indicating that since you have been actively involved and advocating that you are not the average you have their attention and likely are not sure how to act or react.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    There is no 9:00 am mtg that I'm aware of- sorry- I left the word out of my last post. The rest of that schedule that you posted is correct, to the best of my knowledge. I wouldn't be shocked if PO and reentry lady meet at 9:00 though, then travel to the detention center together.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Well, carpooling is good LOL.

    So now you have to decide what, if anything, to do about the 10 meeting. Let it ride is one option. The other option is to either call (1) Coordinator and ask "Do you know if I'm to attend the 10 o'clock meeting that you mentioned the other day? or (2) PO and ask "Am I invited to attend the 10 o'clock meeting that Coordinator asked me about the other day?"

    Evidently today is a holiday for government workers so I'm assuming PO won't be available to answer your question before the meeting....even if he wanted to, lol. Not sure about Coordinator's schedule. He might be at work today? but likely gets to work earlier than nine tomorrow.

    Believe it or not :) I don't have a suggestion this time. Refreshing, huh, LOL. With the possible exception of making sure that IF you inquire it is done in a "happy camper team player" mode. This is the beginning of charting difficult children future maybe or maybe not it's worth making sure they know that you are available and eager to work with them. DDD
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Honestly, all these meetings sound just like the same meetings I always have to go to...

    and the thing is, all of the decisions are made between the parties without my being involved at all. And then we have an official "meeting" where they ask for my input, but it's really just "lip-service"...the decisions have already been made - so it doesn't make one bit of difference what I say or don't say. (And you can see all the wonderful services we've been receiving using this method - NOT!).

    I think that if difficult child is invited to the meeting at 10 am - then you need to be present as his "Legal Guardian". Just show up. You may or may not be allowed to speak - but at least you should get a chance to listen.

    And I've lost track of exactly what you are trying to do here, but if you DO get a chance to speak....state your goal in a single, short sentence - and then just keep repeating it.

    Good luck!
  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Do you think they want to meet with difficult child to see what he wants first and then with you later? I know they met with my daughter several times. We wanted the same things so I wasn't worried. Just wondering. If not, I would just show up and let them know your boy told you about the meeting and you were free to come. What can they do? And if they exclude you-document and ask why?
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    My oh my... makes one wish to invite someone on the federal investigative level to such a meeting, doesn't it? Who oversees them on that level?
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, being a parole plan, I doubt they are going to ask difficult child what he wants. They might ask what he thinks would help but they ask that once before and he couldn't think of anything. One thing that sticks out in my mind, PO and super "met" with difficult child, his behavior couselor, and therapist at the Department of Juvenile Justice facility via video-conference by themselves without allowing me and the attny I brought join in. I have never seen any of them do this- and this will be difficult child's 4th time on either probation or parole. POs have met with difficult child privately before, but there have not been mtgs with others that I've not been invited to or allowed to attend. Parents are supposedly allowed to attend treatment team mtgs while the kid is in a Department of Juvenile Justice facility so this should be no different.

    I need to be there tomorrow. I don't know if I'll call PO first or not. The way the coordinator brought it up to me was by asking if PO had called and he said "you are going to be there aren't yyou?" and when I said I hadn't even heard about it, he looked befuddled.

    This PO hasn't done anything by the book. That's what I want stopped. If the parole plan is written, difficult child and I are to each get written copies.

    DF- the advantage detention reentry gives that might specifically help difficult child are threefold. 1) it slows the transition from a Department of Juvenile Justice facility instead of the typical state expectations which state a kid is to be enrolled in a public or private school and ready to attend schoiol within 2 days of release from Department of Juvenile Justice- so basicly, in less than 48 hours a kid is supposed to adjust from incarceration to sitting in school with new clothes, supplies, etc, and pretending that none of this ever happened. It's a little too overwhelming for that to be realistic. Thus, truancy typically follows shortly afterwards. 2) It gives time for difficult child and I to spend time together, outside a facility, to get re-established as me the parent, him the kid, and to see how he's going to do and for us to get our comfort level back- mainly me to get my comfort level back. That length of time is supposed to increase a couple of times until he spends the night and we see how it goes, prior to him actually being released. I know difficult child probably wouldn't try anything under those circumstances, but I need to know it's a situation where he probably wouldn't try anything stupid for me to even feel comfortable enough to try it. (One thing I should point out- since this one involves safety and difficult child's big crimes, I consider this one most important and no one has even mentioned this yet.) 3) It is conceivable that there is an advantage of starting some services while he's still locked up and having them be completed after release- that gives him some continuity and also lessens the time he'll have left to complete them after he gets home.

    But if they think he can do an anger man course, substance abuse follow-up, in home therapy (3-4 x per wk), have a mentor (3-4 x per wk) plus attend school full time and do homework...oh- they want him to get a job, too. Nope- they aren't going to sit there tomorrow am and convince him to agree to this by saying that's what it will take in order to get released soon. difficult child and I both would snap over a schedule like that.

    Further, difficult child still wants to talk to his def attny. The only way detention reentry can be used, according to Department of Juvenile Justice regs which are to be followed per state law, is to send a kid there as a step-down PRIOR to his release date. difficult child already had his release signed off on so it should never have been changed to be sent here. I haven't fought that legally yet because this could offer the very things I asked for at that mtg back in Oct/Nov. But if PO is still pulling under-handed koi- which will become more than clear this week- I will pick up a legal battle again and just shoot for difficult child getting released right away. Ditching the ang man class he just got out of and starting a neww, different type of one just seems stupid and a waste of valuable time and resources to me. Especially since difficult child's crimes were not crimes out of anger. He did it seeking stress relievers- either by demanding cigs or taking money to try to get away during the night and do drugs. But for some reason, reentry lady and PO- no one really except the therapist in Department of Juvenile Justice- sees any importance at all in stress reduction. If I bring that up, it goes in one ear and out the other. Yet, this is both difficult child's and my biggest issues at home. If I made issue, they'd send more people to the home to do doG know what but NO Department of Juvenile Justice-hired person is going to do stress reduction so we are just left wwith more people making more demands on top of whatever we already have.

    I think I'll just plan to go tomorrow. difficult child might be coming out on parole, but he's still a minor. This isn't a therapy session and reentry lady has had her private interview with difficult child a long time ago. PO could go alone and I wouldn't think twice of it. But if both of them plus coordinator at detention are scheduled to meet, I think I have a right to be there, too. Especially since coordinator looked surprised and said he thought I'd be there. What does that say? Typically, parents are there? Maybe I'll present it that way-" it was my understanding that typically parents are at these mtgs."
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    There is a specific dept in the fed DOJ agency that looks into complaints like this. I put that letter, along with the letter re the federal funding for reentry/reunifying families on hold this weekend to finsih off the townhouse and see how this was going to play out. I might be picking them back up soon. LOL!
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If you opt to go you "might" say that you weren't sure if you were welcome to join the meeting or not, couldn't verify because of the holiday so decided to show up in case you are to be included. Obviously the chances are great they will say "glad to have you" or, of course, they could say "for this meeting we just plan to explore options". I do think it is crucial that your presence not be seen as a threat etc. but instead a Mom just covering the bases in case she's needed. Fingers crossed that you are perceived as a dedicated team member. Hugs DDD
  17. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't disagree with you here...that would be great


    The problem is that you are asking for a program that currently does NOT exist. You KNOW it does not researched it yourself. It doesn't matter what the brochure says is "supposed" to be there....or what the law says is "supposed" to be available.

    (This is exactly why I said that your meetings remind me of MY meetings. Budgets have been slashed - there are few options left...and families have to make-do with the scraps.)

    Of the services that they ACTUALLY provide and CURRENTLY have available - which will you accept? And yes - you probably have to choose the lesser of the evils.

    I'll be thinking of you today...

    Sending strength and support and hope for a good outcome!
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, guess what? I have to let PO off the hook this time. I went into work, called and left VM for PO at 8:00 saying coordinator had informed me of mtg with all parties set for 10:00 this morning so I was calling to touch base but I would go ahead and plan to be there.

    As I leave to head off to mtg, after taking a couple hours off work, I get a call from PO and he hasn't heard of any mtg either. He called coordinator and coordinator said there's no mtg. Huh? So PO and I are leaving our mtg between the 2 of us at 4:30 as scheduled. I can see the coordinator maybe mistaking a mtg with my son today but where did 10:00 and all these parties involved come from? Oh well....

    As far as services, I'm going to stay focused on 2 things- 1) the ones that might really help difficult child like the ankle bracelet and we'll go back to the conversations we were having last NOv, if possible- such as in home checks on difficult child but not in home therapy if I provide that out-patient, - that's primarily because in-home paid for by Department of Juvenile Justice will be nothing but a behav contract (stressor)and out-pt is more beneficial (CBT- stress reducer- we aren't going to get into major family issues this time if I can help it); 2) not over-doing it with services- let us get back to a normal life, if there is such a thing- but just in case, what's the number to the local crisis center? Oh and 3) let's get moving and start letting difficult child have passes out since this was really the whole point of not releasing him directly to me; they can be allowing the gradual increase in time with me out of the facility while they are getting services in place- this isn't fair to difficult child because this stuff should have been decided upon a long time ago and since it's adding to his time incarcerated, we should be working toward the 30 min being the max time he'll be in; if they drag their feet thinking it could be 90 days, I don't think difficult child will make it and it will shoot a semester of credits at school if he did because they would be transferring him to home sd at the end of a semester.
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I can exhale. It's not easy holding my breathe for a few hours. I am so glad that you called instead of showing up.
    Phew/Whew! Not only did it save alot of time but it also avoided any chance for muted confrontational tone. Good choice, in my humble opinion.

    If you can provide better quality theapeutic services and they don't have to transport etc....seems like that should fly. I'm not sure what the advantage is of an ankle bracelet. That's something I would agree to if they insist but I can't quite wrap my head around asking for it. been there done that. Am I missing something? Regarding home passes I would assume they have a set schedule for those. It will be interesting what he proposes.

    Fingers crossed for a nice pleasant meeting this afternoon. DDD
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    They don't have a set time for anything. Remember, those guidelines are not yet established so there is no program in effect. So everything is up to PO but PO isn't a good leader so he'll probably leave it up to reentry lady, which is the part I'm not crazy about because she just wants to sell all the services she can and she's used to working with kids to prevent commitment to Department of Juvenile Justice, meaning doing long-term in-home stuff- wrap around, I think. The dynamics are entirely different when it's a kid coming out of Department of Juvenile Justice but since all this reentry stuff is just starting in this state, we have the blind leading the blind. And doG forbid they should listen to a parent re what problems were experienced when we tried this the first time. Well see today if PO is having any change in that attitude- I don't know how much of that was him and how much was his super.

    The ankle bracelet would be when difficult child comes back to live with me and he'll be on house arrest the first 30 days, except for school and leaving with me for necessary things- not fun events. It's to ensure he comes straight home after schhool because I'll still be at work and that difficult child doesn't leave school during the day or sneak out at night- the very things we had issues with last time. PO is already on board with this.

    Going back to work now....