Numb

[flutterbee]

I've had an eventful year. I'd been sick for a long time and it was getting worse fast. difficult child was spiraling down hard and fast. Then I had the heart attack (which turned out to be a good thing), followed by angioplasty and complications. Then another heart cath and more complications. Then an allergic reaction which led to steroids and an adverse reaction. Followed by more allergic reaction and more steroids. I try to go back to work and get an ear infection that goes from bad to worse, costing me a week of work (for a stupid ear infection!) and almost landed me in the hospital on IV antibiotics. My car acts up. And my kitty dies. I haven't had any substantial income for 3 months (but I've been forking out money as though I've not lost any income - car, veterinarian, etc). I'm losing my house.

I feel numb. Completely empty of emotion. I'm not depressed; I'm not angry - although I have noticed that I've been more easily agitated/irritated the last few days or so. And by stupid things, too - like people that don't know how to use a turn lane. Sigh... I didn't answer the phone this weekend. I've turned off my instant messenger that used to be on all the time. I just am not interested in chit-chat. I did call a friend today and wished her happy birthday and went to her house to see the kittens and momma cat she found. The poor momma kitty had been in a pretty bad cat fight and looks like she got the worst of it. She was so thin, but her babies are nice and pudgy. She's a good momma.

Cassie's death is what put me over the edge. I haven't really mourned her loss. I just keep putting it out of my mind - I don't let myself think about it.

Should I be worried or is this a normal reaction to the chain of events that have consumed my life for the last 6 months? And, yes, I'm taking my AD and my progestin (the combo that finally made me "me" again).

 

[WhymeMom?]

Much has come "at you" this year. I think you have instinctively tried to step back and deal with all this. You do have your children and they will be watching how you handle this...I know, you don't need any more pressure. I would look around for someone to talk to about all this. There are programs out there to help you get back on your feet, and I wouldn't hesitate to use them.....

I think given all that has happened to you in the past 6 months you have coped well. Health issues are some of the hardest things to deal with because they are usually out of your control or they require long term "fixes". Please take care of yourself and give yourself a little time, to grieve the loss of a pet, the loss of health, etc.

We are here to listen, don't hesitate to talk things out....

Thinking of you.....

 

[Sunlight]

I had a cat named Misty for 17 yrs. I cried over her for two yrs. she was my pal thru so much and she was here after the house emptied out and it was just her and I.

after two yrs, I still would occasionally miss her. last weekend a neighbor let me see her new kitty- an adorable calico with orange and brown, white, black and round blue eyes! I played with her off and on for two days at the neighbor's house.

I knew in my heart I cannot start up with another pet. I get too attached and right now I am not home much. still, it was refreshing to see the kitten.

no wonder you have shut off, you were on overload. give it time.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sometimes, I think I don't feel my emotions as fully as I could BECAUSE of the ADs. But I usually figure it is a small price to pay, considering how horribly depressed I was before I started taking them.

You need to mourn the loss of that cat. There are 5 stages of grieving, and you are firmly in stage 1. Denial. The others are anger, sadness, bargaining (if only I had done this, then maybe that), and acceptance. Not everyone follows each step exactly the same.

I am so sorry you are going through so much at the same time. life sucks sometimes. I have found, that there is nothing life can give me, that I cannot handle with God's help. Maybe you don't roll that way, and if not, I am sorry.

But I will be praying real hard for you, sweetie.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Heather,

I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs... I just don't know what to say... You have had more than your share of life's "downs" lately!!!

I am worried about you. While it seems like you're handling things extremely well and you're a very STRONG person, too many bad things have happened to you lately that you don't have any control over.

I think you're taking good care of yourself by taking your medication. I think it's healthy for you to be questioning if you're ok... I'm still worried about you because what you've been through seems like too much for any one person to handle... in my humble opinion, I think that talking to a therapist about what you've written here is a good idea. I wish I could help you!!!

Sending lots of cyber hugs and a cyber shoulder to lean on... WFEN

 

[DazedandConfused]

It always seems to happen to the same time for me too. I'm sorry you have been through so much. I lost my beloved dog in 2000 and still miss him so (I'm allergic to cats). I haven't been able to get another one since. Though, the thought is beginning to enter my mind lately.

I think it normal to go numb when so much happens. It's a coping mechanism.

(((hugs)))

 

[timer lady]

Heather,

I've had a hell of a couple of years myself - the breaking point for me was the death of my mother. I spent the next months numb to the point of comatose. I still struggle with "caring" for lack of a better word, about much other than playing piano.

While it may be the normal course of reaction to life, it's something that needs to be addressed.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[STILLjustamom]

Depression after heart attack is very very common. Combined with everything else, I think what you are feeling is normal and expected. Talk to your doctor about it. Maybe take one of those kittens home. :smile:

 

[Fran]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'>Heather, you carry quite a large load of responsibility for a single parent. Your 12yr olds diagnosis sound similar to my difficult children so I know she is no walk in the park. You add a 15yr old male and it's a pressure cooker. Your health and financial situation are adding more fuel to the fire. I can see why you shut down. It's a self protective tool. You are in overload.
You may need more help in resolving some of your challenges than you can do yourself. Get some credit counseling,therapy and call someone who is a stabilizing force just to be a sounding board. Get a plan. Write down all the challenges and what you can do to alleviate them. Do pros and cons. Anything that allows you some control over the storm that seems to have taken over your life lately.
Anyhow, I always feel better if I get a handle on things. Take care of your self. </span>

 

[rejectedmom]

Heather, I am in total agreement with Fran. I do understand how things can pile up and you just go numb. I think that alot if it is protective but I also see that you are concerned and uncomfortable with how you feel. When I was very sick a few years back and had three operations in an 18 month period and no help from anyone. I told my mom over the phone how it was so overwhelming for me to just deal with the everyday stuff let alone the major issues that the difficult child's in my life kept piling on. She told me to prioritize and just try to accomplish one thing on my list every day. I did and eventually I got some control of my life back. The emotional numbness is now very selective. It usually manifests in dealing with the difficult child's in my life. Yoga and meditation help me also. I also try to set aside time everyday to be reflective and appreciate some small thing in my life. A bird singing in a tree outside my window, a pretty garden that I pass along my way. It helps me keep my perspective. My husband and my difficult child's got me into financial distress also. I sold my home and bought a less expensive one. It has the potential to be even more than the one I sold ( we are working on it constantly and enjoying it) The best part is that I am now back on good solid finacial ground. And I got to keep my vacation home which I love. -RM

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you everyone for you compassion and thoughtful words. It helps to be surrounded by such caring people. I've read every word and am taking it all to heart. You ladies are very wise.

I have an appointment this afternoon with difficult child's therapist. I think I'm going to take the appointment for myself and just let this stuff out. I think I've been in denial since the heart attack. I saw difficult child's therapist a couple of weeks after the heart attack and she spent a lot of time wanting to focus on my emotional health and I insisted I was fine; that it was no biggie - it happened and that's all there was to it. I believed it, too. I still think I believe that, but I know I spend a lot of time thinking about the whole event, Know what I mean??

I'll let you know what the therapist's thoughts are.

Thank you all again. :flower:

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Heather,

I'm so glad you're going to talk to difficult child's therapist. I'm so happy that you're taking care of yourself. I'll be waiting for your update.

Sending more cyber hugs... :flower: WFEN :flower: :flower:

 

[totoro]

Heather-
You do have a lot... you need a break. A recharge, something... I get told that by our therapist and I laugh, when???
It is SO hard when no-one seems to get it..even the docs at times. Just go and recharge and take a break, you will feel better!!! OK.

This to will take time. I wish we had a CD babysitting service, we could zap each others kids over to each other for a couple of days and give each other some relief.

I think you are taking the right steps and have some great advice from everyone.
Sometimes numb helps us from going crazy, I shut down when it is too much. I think it protects me. Maybe your mind and body realize you are close to the breaking point and helping you cope...


Sending you hugs and strength.... and patience.

 

[DammitJanet]

Heather...I agree with the others.

You have been under so much. You also do the old "Im fine, its no biggie, life is ok" deal that we have talked about before. Shutting it in isnt good! Im here when you want to talk. You have my number if you dont want to deal with IM.

I care..you know that. Be gentle with yourself and talk to the therapist.

Hugs.

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather,
I agree with the advice others have given. I'm sending gentle hugs and prayers your way. :angel:

 

[wife of taxman]

Sorry to tell you, but I think you should be worried. You have had a lot go on this past year and you have several signs of depression.

Feeling numb, not enjoying things you usually enjoy, like the IM or chit-chatting, are definitely signs of depression. Also, being irritated easily. You would benefit from talking to someone to work through some of your feelings attached to everything that has happened.

 

[witzend]

It sounds as though you are turning yourself off in order to protect yourself from the overwhelming load you are dealing with. Fran makes some good suggestions, and I like the idea of reading something. For me, I would break out my tearjerker movies. "Fried Green Tomatoes" would be in for about 12 minutes before I was bawling.

I know you are trying to hold it together, but honestly, it's ok to let go. You'll get back on track. Please talk to someone? I'm worried that you are turning off the emotions more than is good for you.

 

[flutterbee]

I am deeply touched by each and every one of you and your compassion for someone you've never met. I have read and re-read every post and I have taken something from each of them.

I don't think I'm depressed. I really don't. And I'll tell you why in a minute. But I do think it could easily head that direction if I don't face it - especially with my history of depression.

There are several reasons I don't think I'm depressed. For one, I am able to force myself to go out into the world. I did stop by my friend's tonight - the one with the kittens. I wanted to see the kittens (again - they're so cute) and it allowed me to visit while having a focus. We played with the kittens and the conversation was very light. This is a very good friend and we have some very good talks, but I just don't want to "talk" talk right now. Not just yet. But I know that isolating myself just starts me down the wrong road.

For another, my mom's coworker is about my age and she has MS. She had been symptom free for a few years and she has relapsed in a pretty big way. She knows what's been going on in my life and told my mom that if I just wanted to call and complain about how life sucks right now that she is the one to call; she understands. But I don't feel that life sucks. Not at all. Nothing has happened that can't be overcome. It's just too much at once. These things need to space themselves out instead of happening all together. Whoever put my schedule together needs to be fired. :wink:

I'm pretty resentful at some things that have happened around me. Mostly judgment that I've had to endure for things that I had no control over - such as my health and those that didn't really think I was ill until the heart attack proved them wrong. What, did they think I was faking it? Did they think that I enjoyed not being able to climb the stairs to my room without resting at the top from muscle weakness? And this from family and co-workers. I realized this while typing this post (I ended up not posting that part - boring stuff, but eye opening for me).

Anyway, I spent the therapist appointment working on a plan for difficult child for this summer. It's something I need to get in order. She needs a speech pathologist, speech therapist, Occupational Therapist (OT) and therapist and I can't do it all at once. I have to work, I have another child and we have to eat. Something has to give. So, we're working on a workable plan. I did schedule an appointment for me for Friday afternoon.

totoro said something about recharging - and she is so right. Wouldn't it be nice if we came with power cords and we could just plug in when we needed a boost?

by the way, within the last month I have put $1600 into my car - battery, engine treatment, tune up, tires, etc - and now I need brakes. :hammer: :faint:

If you guys don't see me around, it's cause I ran away to Belize. :wink: I really need to get a passport. :rofl:

 

[Sunlight]

heather..belize is not the relaxing isolated spot it once was...it is crawling with tourists! lol