ODD ADHD why did I have kids?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Exhaustedmommy, Jun 10, 2017.

  1. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    I have 7 children, 3 of which live with me, 2 adult, 1 living with a relative, and 1 who passed away. I suffer from depression and anxiety. My 8 yr old has adhd, my 5 yr old has odd, and my 3 yr old is a typical 3 yr old. I am a stay at home mom. I recently weaned my youngest (which is messing with my hormones) and the only thing that made me happy (my horse) just died. My teenager, who lives with a relative, is highly disrespectful and likes to shove everything in my face (I was young when I had her and wasn't ready to be a single mom). For those wondering the 3 adult children are my step kids as my hubby is much older then me. Anyway I can't take it anymore! I'm falling apart and I can't see a light in any tunnel. I hate crawling out of bed and my marriage is on the rocks because he doesn't understand why i'm so distant. Every day is another round of arguments, lies, screaming, etc. My 5 yr old is the worse. Right now she is screaming and crying because I won't let her go outside to play. I made her come in because she was being mean to her sister then lied and said her brother did it. This nightmare never ends! She does have an appointment with a psychiatrist in july but i'm afraid they might have to put me in the looney bin long before that! Sorry about the long rant but i'm at my wits end.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Exhaustedmommy, welcome. I am so sorry you have so much on your plate. It really does sound like too much. I think I know a little bit of how you must feel. I only had one child, but I was a single mom. I thought I would go nuts when I felt confined. In fact I put my son in daycare because I could not stand being isolated in the house just the two of us. I needed help and I needed support. When there is nothing left to give this is a reality that must be faced.

    I believe you need respite and support for this situation to get better. Do you have time to yourself each day? If not, is there a way you can gain the help of a relative or a friend to give you some time to yourself?

    You seem exhausted and depleted. Nothing can change from this state of affairs. Like a car will not move without gas and a dead battery, people do not function either. You need fuel. You need care. First and foremost from yourself. You are worth your own care. The kids must sense what is going on. This must make them anxious. It is not your fault. Nor is it theirs. It is like all of this energy is bouncing off the walls and everybody is going off the deep end.

    It sounds like there is a lot of misery right now and that you are not alone with it. Where does your husband stand in this? He created these kids too. Is he aware of your sadness and sense of desperation and overwhelm? Will he partner with you to move beyond this? Have you spoken with him?

    I am glad you posted and glad you are here. Many of us will understand the position you find yourself in and there will be lots of support and counsel to help you through this. Tonight is a slow night, due to the weekend and the fact it is summertime almost. And many are already in bed. By tomorrow morning there should be other responses.

    For right now, try to concentrate on soothing yourself and pampering yourself in small ways. A bath. A good book. There will be many other small ways that you can be good to yourself throughout the day. It is only to begin to identify them and practice them. For right now, know that you are not alone. Take care. None of this is your fault.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 10, 2017
  3. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    I use to go spend time with my horse. It was my time away and the best antidepressant money can buy. But now he's gone and he left a nasty financial burden. I have tried for so long to be strong. My husband is stressed so I don't want to worry him more. Family is judgemental and has even been trying to break up my marriage. I have no friends because I trust nobody. Plus the last couple friends I had....well one tried to steal my husband (didn't work so well for her) and the other just used us. I was starting to make friends at the barn but I can't bring myself to go back out there. My husband is a good man but there is a reason he is the one working. The reason i'm here is because of the atonomy (I think I butchered the spelling on that). My husband is old fashioned, problems aren't discussed with outsiders but there's only so much one person can handle with closed lips. On the plus side my lips are still closed, it's my fingers spilling the beans :D have to find humor occasionally to keep what little is left of my sanity. It is good to know that i'm not alone.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You sound like me!
    Maybe I should get a horse. I am not kidding. I do not know how to ride but I was looking for a therapeutic riding program near me, and there are not any within an hour or an hour and a half. Too far. But I live near the country and acreage where horses are allowed.

    I am so sorry your horse died. What was it about him that was so therapeutic for you? Was it him or was it the riding or both? Was it the time alone and away? Was it the care you showed him and how he responded? Or all of it together?

    Exhaustedmommy. I have been depressed off and on for 4 years. Let's help each other. My issue is not little kids at home. But it ends up the same thing. A sense of hopelessness and desperation. Which is not helped by the lack of trust in others. People need each other.Take care. Know you are not alone!
     
  5. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    Get a horse. They can be expensive but they're better then anything else. He was my best friend, my therapist. I told him everything while brushing him or walking him. Didn't ride much but that was okay cuz he hated being ridden but he loved eating grass while listening to me complain. He made me laugh and was always ready to let me cry into his mane. I swear he sent that fly to wake me up lol. On a side note if you get one be prepared. Lots of research and extra money set aside for emergency vet bills. I don't have the final one yet but I know it will be in excess of 1000. I know we'll be looking into equine insurance with next one. I've struggled with depression all my life but this is the worst it's ever been. I find myself wishing I hadn't had some of my kids then I feel guilty wondering if i'm the worse mom around. According to my girls I am. My son is in the 'mommy is the best' stage. I have hope for him. I worry about my girls.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. You got some good advice but it could be that you are clinically depressed as I used to be. Through my dark lenses, everything seemed worse. I had to seek professional help. I think that in many cases family and friends are not the best people to look for regarding support. They dont always understand depression and too much going on and often just make things worse or unintentionally shame us. They tell us to snap out of it!

    Your marriage is not about you always listening to your husband. If you are so distraught that you wake up depressed each day (like a weight is on your chezt) or have suicidal thoughts (even if you wouldnt ever really do it) or are always ready to scream and never stop ;) then be good to yourself and see a thetapist. Or a psychiatrist. Sometimes depression clouds our thinking and we just keep sliding further and further into a dark abyss and we need medical attention. Depression is ofyen a medical problem. It is not a sign of weakness, like we are told sometimes by non professional people who dont understand.

    Most here have been in therapy because of stress or depression or both. Often a child caused the stress. Many found therspy very helpful. I havent been depressed like I used to get in decades now. If you had pneumonia you would seek relief. Depression is an illness. It needs attention or often does not go away.

    I am an animal lover and so sorry about your horse. I have dogs I love that way. When they die it will feel as harsh as a human death. They are family to me.

    Now about the kids. Is your husband also against professionally evaluating the troubling ones to see if anything is wrong with them that can be helped for the better?

    I have an autistic son and he is almost 24 now and all the help he had really worked!! He is full functioning, sweet and on his own. If your husband refuses to get them evaluated...for selfish privacy reasons..to me that is abuse. I would take them anyway. He has no right to demand that you keep everything to yourself. That is up to you. He is your partner in life not your father no matter how young you are or how old he is.

    I suspect you are pretty young. I am thinking that the right therapy could help you to trust people and to cope with other issues. I was once like you but no longer am. I am still more of an introvert by nature but I have a complete trust of my amazing husband, all of my grown kids (even the one who can be a butt ache ;) ) and my few friends. I loved being a mother and I have four kids. I still love being a mother. I was a stay at home becsuse I felt it was best for them. Two of my kids were not easy, but one in particular turned out great in the end! This can hap0en to your kids too with early intervention. Take them to a neuropsychologist (a psychologist with special training in the brain). They are great diagnosticians, non judgmental, and eill tell you what is going on and what to do about it). This changed my sons life for the extreme better.

    It is not good for your kids or you if you can barely function. I know how that feels.

    Please take care of yourself. Love yourself. Act independent of your husband.His ways may not work for you and certainly the young kids need evaluations and help or they will not improve. It just gets worse with age if we dont treat possible problems that cause them to have less self control than their peers. Often untreated angry kids become angrier adults.

    Well, I just got home from work and saw your post. It made me feel sad for you. Depression is so treatable. No need for the hospital.

    Please get help and take your kids for evaluations. You sound overwhelmed and desperate and i know how that impairs a person. Without treatment I would not still be here. Yet now my life is so good. I want and pray the same happens to you. We csn choose to seek help or chose to stay the same. It is up to you what you do. I share that I am grateful to the mental health community and that they helped me tenfold. I share that my son was helped tenfold by a neuropsychologist and your child is not hopeless. She is so young. There is so kuch help. But you must choose to get it.

    Love and light.
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2017
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok...i just read that your daughter is going to see a psychiatrist. I guess Im so tired from work, i skipped that part. Sorry !!! That is actually very good.

    Now.....time to take care of yourself. You are an important person. Yes, YOU are important!

    Good night :) and sweet dreams. There is so much hope.
     
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Can you call the place where you stabled your horse, tell them you miss your horse and the people there and volunteer to go and help out a couple times a week? Maybe you can groom the other horses and hang out with people you know.

    We have a therapeutic riding facility here in our small community. They LOVE to have volunteers! They need people to lead the horses with the special needs adults and children. One little boy I took care of needed someone to lead the horse, and one person on each side to hold on to him because he had CP.

    Your own difficult children might qualify for time with the horses.

    Are your kids involved in activities in the community? Or are they home and causing problems from boredom? We have a family theater program and got our DGDs involved when they were 5 and 7. The library had activities scheduled. YMCA, Recreation Commission and area churches have things to keep kids busy. Some of these, if the kids are old enough, you could drop the older kids off for a couple of hours while they participate.

    Good luck. Try to find some common ground with your husband. Reach out and work on that relationship. I only say that because when things got bad with our two girls, I shut down, trying to protect him from their issues.

    Good luck...

    Ksm
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2017
  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Another option, if you don't have a therapeutic riding center in your area, is to check into equine rescues in your area. They are often looking for volunteers with hands on horse experience.

    I understand about horses being good for one. I just got back from a horse oriented vacation in KY and it did wonders for me.
     
  10. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. My doctor is watching me, in fact he just increased one medication not too long ago.
    My 8 yr old is in 4H. She was supposed to show my horse this year. My mornings with my horse included her as I was teaching her. Even though I wasn't alone it was like a breath of fresh air......or poopy air lol. I would come home and be happy for hours. We are searching for a horse my daughter can use for show this year. I am hoping that will soothe my broken heart. I know I could ask folks at the barn and we would have an outpour of support but I can't bring myself to go out there. My mom is contacting some family friends to see if anybody could help us.
    My 8 yr old that has ADHD has been to doctors but the medications just turned her into a zombie. She stopped smiling and it just wasn't her. With working with the horse and we got her into archery, she has improved a great deal.
    I don't like therapists. My mother had me bouncing from therapist to therapist since I was little. They get paid to sit and listen to you and if you say the wrong thing (whether you mean it or not) you find yourself sitting in a psychiatric hospital or with cops on your door threatening to take your kids away. Not to mention I was raised with the whole crying is a sign of weakness belief. Now I do know it is not true however it doesn't change that the belief is ingrained into me. I don't cry in front of people but I can cry into my horse's mane, tell him everything, and scream I just want to die and all he does is stand there and comfort me. No judging, no cops, no doctors, nothing just comfort. The fact is it doesn't matter if I want to die or not because I am not allowed to. I have children so I am not allowed to die. Unfortunately you can not tell a therapist that you want to die and throw in that you would never actually do it because they stop listening at the words I want to die. If the unforseen happens I will stand in front of St. Peter and inform him that he has to send me back because my kids and my husband need me. It is that need that keeps me going in my darkest hours, it is what makes me seek other options such as crying into my horse's mane. In the nearly 30 years that I have struggled with depression there is one thing that I have learneed, death isn't that great. All it does is hurt those that love us. Not to mention there is a great debate on if suicide is an unforgivable sin. I don't want to take that chance. I want to see my loved ones when I go. And yes I believe my horse is waiting for me.
    Sorry for the rant. It is stuff that has been circling in my head for years.
    On a lighter note, my doctor and I have discussed about how a week or two in the psychiatric hospital might make for a good vacation lol. No cooking, no cleaning, no screaming children lmao.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    On any medications for depression? Do you exercise? Eat well??? Sleep well? Make time for yourself? I have done much research on depression and how to help it with lifestyle changes.

    I also think often being a stay at home mom is more stressful to us than working. But I really believed my being there helped my kids. No shuffling them to daycare. I was always there after school to talk to them. I was actually THE neighborhood mom in a suburb of working moms. Your kids will appreciate the time you give them. One day. It is something my grown kids loved about their childhood...me with cookies and milk and hugs after school. ;)

    Do you homeschool your kids? If not, do they have IEPs?

    I think getting a horse for you sounds almost therapeutic, a necessity.

    Take care :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Good. You have motivated me to explore the idea of having horses in my life, too.

    I agree with you. I mistrust therapists too. But I believe that there are some good human beings. I am no longer allowing myself the "out" that all therapists are untrustworthy, because I know of at least one who is not. So there must be others.

    In general, though, I think like do you. That we must seek the solutions ourselves in our own life.

    I am worried for you though, that you are having these internal conversations about death, although I believe that now and again, everybody wants an end to the pain at least once in their life. But I am sure you would agree with me: It is not so great to be hanging out in this conversation.

    That said, I feel despair too. While I want a way out, I have not put together a workable plan. I am glad you are here.
     
  13. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    I am on medications. As for eating and sleeping well um no lol. Unless the one small meal a day and night terrors count. We're struggling financially so I make sure everyone in my family eats plenty before I do. I haven't rested comfortably for years and sleeping medications don't work well for me. They make me tired all day then after a week or two they stop working. My horse was my exercise program but now i'm left trying to figure something else out.
    Thankfully my kids are in public school and my youngest will be starting this year. It gives me a few hours of quiet. None of them have ieps and I won't allow it. Our Special Education program here isn't good. So I am fighting to keep them out of it. Both are highly intelligent and do well it's just behavior issues connected to their diagnosis. We work with them on learning how to handle disappointment and anger. My 8 yr old gives up if she doesn't do perfect so we are working with her trying to teach her that she can't be the best at everything and to not allow frustration to stop her from doing something she enjoys. My 5 yr old is a challenge. Seems like no matter what we do or say it just doesn't get through. We are thinking about moving somewhere that has better services and get the kids out of the bad influences that currently surround us. I think it would do me some good too.
    I had two therapists that were good. They are out there but are few and far between. I figure better safe then sorry. My 5 yr old probably needs one but she lies a lot. She once told me that her teachers hit her oh and then there was the one where she was hit by a car. None of it was true but she swore it was. I don't need cops on my doorstep because some therapist believed the lie coming out of her mouth. By the way how do you get a child with odd to stop lying? The child tells at least 5 lies before lunch!
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, you have a problem. I feel badly for you. Therapists have to call child protective services if they suspect any abuse in a child because they are mandated reporters. But if your daughter lies to teachers and they believe it, they also have to call child protective services because they are also mandated reporters. I learned about mandated reporting when I was a foster mother. That mademe a mandated reporter too. Regular doctors are also mandated reporters. Many professions are. If your daughter lies about anything to anyone and she is believed, social services could be called. Or the cops who will refer to social services.

    People call child protection services on foster parents often so we met them, but nothing bad happened to us.

    Back to daughter, nobody here knows why she lies. Likely she has more going on than just ODD. ODD does not usually stand alone but is a symptom of a bigger problem. You will need to get professional help for her to maybe get her to stop lying. Occupational Therapist (OT) take your chances.

    Also, an IEP does not mean a child isnt smart. It means the child has problems that impede function in school. It does not mean your child goes to Special Education.

    I still think your daughter should be evaluated and that she probably will get worse if she isnt but that is up to you. Eventually you may be forced to get her help if social services is ever called. This would likely only happen if she seems out of control or lies in school. You may avoid it. Or not. Hard to guess.

    None of my therapists ever put me in the hospital. My feeling and experiences have been good. If I went to a therspist I didnt click with I just found another one. But it is again your decision.

    I hope you get your horse soon and that school goes well.

    Take care.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  15. Exhaustedmommy

    Exhaustedmommy New Member

    Our school knows what's going on and understands the issues however if it becomes a problem then I will homeschool. I just enjoy time to myself so really don't want to. As I said in my op she has an appointment to be evaluated. Our doctor diagnosed odd in may but the child psychiatric was backed up and the soonest we could get in is july. There is nobody in this area that deals with odd or behavioral issues. The nearest is over 2 hours away. We are looking at moving somewhere where we can get her some help. I know enough about odd to know that without professional help it gets worse. I will not take my kids to glorified, high paid, friends. I will take her to a specialist that understands the disease and can help her.

    On the plus side I did something i've been needing to do; I confronted my father. I feel a lot better and am proud that I did it in a nonconfertational manner. Guess all those psychiatric courses in college actually paid off.