Star*
call 911........call 911
Good Afternoon All - For those that know & accept it; my extended family.
I was standing in the Dollar General yesterday staring at the end cap display it seemed the sum of all my Easter holidays, and I began to get misty. I closed my eyes tight, quickly and bit my lower lip thinking to myself 'Oh God, not here, please, not now' the first hot tear rolled over my bottom lid, it's weight could have been one hundred pounds as it drug my head down with it, My nose was instantly stuffy, then like a faucett the tears flowed out, my breath became shallow, I curled both my lips in trying to stop the inevitable mess of memories that raced to the front of my mind - too late. My chest heaved, I inhaled those short little breaths we all take trying to avoid letting anyone know we're crying - too late. I walked away from the cards, and tried to find somewhere I could be alone. Every aisle, every where I went; some person looking right at me, seeing my shame, they knew. They know. They know where my son is. Turn the corner and there is a woman yelling at her little girl, and I just wanted to scream! She only wanted a chocolate rabbit, how much I wished my son was here. Easter is everywhere, and where is my son? Another corner, another person looking right through me and they know by the lack of candy, or basket or even card in my arms, or maybe they think I'm so together I already have my shopping done? Yeah that's it! I'm so together I already put his basket together. That is a lie. Why is it a lie Star? It's a lie because your son isn't even allowed in the same state with you. What kind of an Easter are YOU going to have? Again!?
Every house that I pass that has decorations in the yard, the colored eggs hanging from the tree, and the blow up rabbits some days I feel like pulling over and drop-kicking them all over their yards and throwing the eggs in the street and driving off. Then the light changes and I imagine that there is something wrong with my brain, and I must need to be institutionalized or have my meidcations increaased. Normal people don't think about kicking plastic blow-up rabbits. I see signs for Easter egg hunts, and I think about our egg hunts, the Easter buzzard, and the baskets I used to make. I miss my son today. I miss my other sons too. I think about the enormous table in the dining room, and about getting rid of it because of the memories it stirs up, then I think if I get rid of it and replace it - will I be able to see them all in my mind? I don't know. It took me three years to paint a room after the second one passed, and I threw Dude out. What do you suppose the expiration limit is for a dining table? Now the granddog has gnawed the ball/claw feet on it. You just can't replace remodeling handi-work like that, and who would want it anyway! It's nostalgic to us and firewood fodder for the Salvation Army at best. I imagine us all there having Easter Dinner. Not that we had so many dinners together because of treatments, hospitals, residentials - but the ones that we did have? I so treasure. Nah I think the tables stays. Then I sit and my tears just roll out over the tops of my bottom lids, and I'm somehwere in between crying, laughing and wishing it all would go away & wishing it was all back again...except this time I'd like to be this old, and this smart, and this knowledgable, and I'd do it so different SO SO different - I swear I would.
Oh and the card? I managed to get one finally. The first religious card I've ever gotten my son. He needs a lot of prayer right now, and he's seeking things in his life for the first time that don't involve putting himself first all the time. I don't get to send him an Easter basket so I drew one for him on the card and mailed it. See there's been so much going on here at the Ranch that I haven't talked about other than loosing the job, and such - somedays I wonder if crying in the Dollar General is a precursor to "They're coming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he" you know - to the Funny Farm -hey if they had donkeys? I got to go out to the barn? I'd be all for it. Someone has to take care of things and that someone is me. And I smile. So I guess I had that good cry everyone thought I needed. Just didn't figure on having it in the DG. ROFL. (Not in the DG - their floors weren't clean) - I mean wow. Maybe if I had put down a few rugs or something, but for a place that SELLS cleaners you'd think they'd be a lot more clean. GET A CLUE.
So if you're having a rough time with Easter and thinking about when you used to make baskets, and hide eggs and all - I just thought maybe I would let you know you're not alone. I was thinking here in PE that I remember the days of fuzzy stuffed bunnies, and chocolate rabbits, and peeps, and getting all dressed for church on Easter and Dude being little and all that fun stuff.......and now this year? He's not here, he can't be here. And so as to not feel sorry for myself - I thought of all of you - and wanted to let you know that you're being thought of as parents of children who are incredibly loved, and difficult, and wherever they are? Wish them a Happy Easter for the child that they were - and the person that they are today, and may yet be. Because when I think of the reason for the Day? I still have hope - and ALWAYS will.
NEVER GIVE UP the parent inside of you that says I love them, and I will always hope.
-HAPPY EASTER
I was standing in the Dollar General yesterday staring at the end cap display it seemed the sum of all my Easter holidays, and I began to get misty. I closed my eyes tight, quickly and bit my lower lip thinking to myself 'Oh God, not here, please, not now' the first hot tear rolled over my bottom lid, it's weight could have been one hundred pounds as it drug my head down with it, My nose was instantly stuffy, then like a faucett the tears flowed out, my breath became shallow, I curled both my lips in trying to stop the inevitable mess of memories that raced to the front of my mind - too late. My chest heaved, I inhaled those short little breaths we all take trying to avoid letting anyone know we're crying - too late. I walked away from the cards, and tried to find somewhere I could be alone. Every aisle, every where I went; some person looking right at me, seeing my shame, they knew. They know. They know where my son is. Turn the corner and there is a woman yelling at her little girl, and I just wanted to scream! She only wanted a chocolate rabbit, how much I wished my son was here. Easter is everywhere, and where is my son? Another corner, another person looking right through me and they know by the lack of candy, or basket or even card in my arms, or maybe they think I'm so together I already have my shopping done? Yeah that's it! I'm so together I already put his basket together. That is a lie. Why is it a lie Star? It's a lie because your son isn't even allowed in the same state with you. What kind of an Easter are YOU going to have? Again!?
Every house that I pass that has decorations in the yard, the colored eggs hanging from the tree, and the blow up rabbits some days I feel like pulling over and drop-kicking them all over their yards and throwing the eggs in the street and driving off. Then the light changes and I imagine that there is something wrong with my brain, and I must need to be institutionalized or have my meidcations increaased. Normal people don't think about kicking plastic blow-up rabbits. I see signs for Easter egg hunts, and I think about our egg hunts, the Easter buzzard, and the baskets I used to make. I miss my son today. I miss my other sons too. I think about the enormous table in the dining room, and about getting rid of it because of the memories it stirs up, then I think if I get rid of it and replace it - will I be able to see them all in my mind? I don't know. It took me three years to paint a room after the second one passed, and I threw Dude out. What do you suppose the expiration limit is for a dining table? Now the granddog has gnawed the ball/claw feet on it. You just can't replace remodeling handi-work like that, and who would want it anyway! It's nostalgic to us and firewood fodder for the Salvation Army at best. I imagine us all there having Easter Dinner. Not that we had so many dinners together because of treatments, hospitals, residentials - but the ones that we did have? I so treasure. Nah I think the tables stays. Then I sit and my tears just roll out over the tops of my bottom lids, and I'm somehwere in between crying, laughing and wishing it all would go away & wishing it was all back again...except this time I'd like to be this old, and this smart, and this knowledgable, and I'd do it so different SO SO different - I swear I would.
Oh and the card? I managed to get one finally. The first religious card I've ever gotten my son. He needs a lot of prayer right now, and he's seeking things in his life for the first time that don't involve putting himself first all the time. I don't get to send him an Easter basket so I drew one for him on the card and mailed it. See there's been so much going on here at the Ranch that I haven't talked about other than loosing the job, and such - somedays I wonder if crying in the Dollar General is a precursor to "They're coming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he" you know - to the Funny Farm -hey if they had donkeys? I got to go out to the barn? I'd be all for it. Someone has to take care of things and that someone is me. And I smile. So I guess I had that good cry everyone thought I needed. Just didn't figure on having it in the DG. ROFL. (Not in the DG - their floors weren't clean) - I mean wow. Maybe if I had put down a few rugs or something, but for a place that SELLS cleaners you'd think they'd be a lot more clean. GET A CLUE.
So if you're having a rough time with Easter and thinking about when you used to make baskets, and hide eggs and all - I just thought maybe I would let you know you're not alone. I was thinking here in PE that I remember the days of fuzzy stuffed bunnies, and chocolate rabbits, and peeps, and getting all dressed for church on Easter and Dude being little and all that fun stuff.......and now this year? He's not here, he can't be here. And so as to not feel sorry for myself - I thought of all of you - and wanted to let you know that you're being thought of as parents of children who are incredibly loved, and difficult, and wherever they are? Wish them a Happy Easter for the child that they were - and the person that they are today, and may yet be. Because when I think of the reason for the Day? I still have hope - and ALWAYS will.
NEVER GIVE UP the parent inside of you that says I love them, and I will always hope.
-HAPPY EASTER