Visiting these pages has been a recent part of my journey. It is a huge eye opener to the scope of human suffering, my own, my families and so many others. It is also an understanding and awe at peoples capacity to be resilient in the face of heart wrenching tragedy. This road traveled with difficult children is filled with so many ups and downs, twists and turns, what if's, what has been, what is. I do not know what is harder, losing a child, or having difficult adult children who do not wish to be responsible and make horrendous choices. Losing a child in death has a finality, and I do not think parents ever stop grieving that loss. I have lost two adult children in a sense, but they are still here on earth. Working through this is tough. Loving detachment for me is a recognition that my difficult adult children have already severed their relationship with me through their actions. It means that I have finally seen that I have not been a help to them, and they have run me through the ringer. However, I am still grieving. I feel the stages of grief grip me. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, despair and depression are hard roads to travel. I am working towards acceptance. There are good days and bad. On this journey, this time, I pray that I have learned. I pray that I have learned NOT to allow myself to be in this predicament again. I pray that I will be strong, build my sense of self, and my faith. I want to be released from this grief, from it's hold on me, but I want to remember what it is supposed to teach me. My heart is broken, it has been ripped out and stomped on. Grief is a part of the journey that I must travel through. May God help me to repair my heart, and all of those out there who suffer. Lord, please help us all to be resilient.