One more month...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Nov 5, 2012.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    and Young difficult child is expected home.

    I find myself quite nervous over the whole situation.
    Had daughter in law spend the night with the kids Saturday night and she told me that Young difficult child got a "minor case" as of Saturday. ??? He wasn't where he was supposed to be. Whatever that means. He's in prison...I thought they were heavily monitored.

    Had to talk daughter in law out of taking all 3 kids to visit young difficult child in prison on Sunday (after giving her money for her and the kids). My oldest grandson now "knows" that young difficult child is in "jail" as he puts it. daughter in law says that grandson has quite a few memories of young difficult child's past behavior. Says that grandson has told her that when young difficult child gets out that he will "spit all over your face". He also talks about his dad in jail to schoolmates. He needs a father he can look up to and trust. I sure hope difficult child has what it takes...for his son's sake as well as the girls and daughter in law.

    husband is giving young difficult child a job but the hours are brutual and young difficult child will have to self structure. It will be very difficult for him. I can already hear myself reminding him everyday of an appropriate bed time. He will be 24 in February and I don't believe he knows anything yet about self-discipline/self-structure.

    Got the Lan Line in on Friday for his ankle bracelet that the state is requiring.
    We are ready...and yet I feel like we are not.
    Still haven't put the house up for sell...maybe 2 weeks left to finalise repairs. We are signing docs tomorrow night though with realtor. That is another young difficult child has been a notorious slob in the past and I am trying to keep the house in "mint condition" at all times now.

    And...I worry about knives. Young difficult child has picked up a knife on himself at least 2 times that I can think of in the past 3-4 yrs and used to self harm/suicidal acts. After learning of what has happend to one of our own here on the board...I just don't know what to expect. I have this aching feeling that if young difficult child thinks he will be sent back to prison for any reason that all H could break loose.
    I know I shouldn't fear for a future that I don't even have yet...I guess I just feel like this is young difficult child's ONE LAST CHANCE to have it together and move forward with his life. There's alot hinging on his behavior when he comes home.

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think it is only natural to go over all of the possible scenerios. This not a bad thing. It helps us prepare ourselves for the what ifs.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I understand completely. I pray he realizes what he has when he is released and works hard to keep it!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He may need help "getting it together" because of the way he is wired. At 24 we expect our k ids to be able to self-moderate their behavior, but some adults won't...or can't. Nothing wrong with reminding him what he needs to do. Also, there is no such thing as a last chance. It will be great if he comes out, gets it 100% together, and lives a great life, but it's not his last chance if he happens to mess up. Or if things aren't perfect. I would relax, remind yourself of the Serenity Prayer and take one day at a time.

    I hope you do something really nice for yourself today :)
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That sounds very stressful. I feel so sad for your grandson. Did he.ever go to therapy? Would they consider family therapy with someone who helps small kids from homes where there was scary behavior? I.thought I remember that you had talked about services for him a long time ago.
    I've thought of the knife thing too. Q grabbed one when he was 8 but I wasn't there. My mom was unloading the dishwasher. I've always had them locked up in a separate drawer. Same for scissors, large grill forks etc. He's never grabbed anything in a threatening way but I just don't trust it. Heck, I've even moved candle holders out of certain rooms. I know your difficult child is much higher functioning but for your own stress reduction maybe putting them in a place where he at least couldn't impulsively grab something. I don't know, like in a box on the high shelf above the refrigerator if there is one? Maybe keep one hidden in an easy place for your convenience?

    Hopefully he has really made a turn around and things will go much better. Will he be cooperative with psychiatrists and tdocs? He has so much going for him...I am really rooting for his success.
    Would it be insulting to him if you had a daily family list ....just because of the unusual circumstances with selling (yuck, I.know how hard that is) ...if it is put off as something suggested to help remember the details if you get a call for a quick showing.....and let him know that to stay there, all of you have to pitch in? Probably silly, it's just a thought....I just wish you didn't have the extra stress.

    I really hope your reunion is as joyous as possible. Lord knows you all deserve it!
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LMS, it's a lot to deal with however I hope young difficult child can pull himself together..........thinking of you, sending prayers for you and your son.........(((HUGS))))
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Are they offering him any type of reentry counseling? If nothing else can you get him into family counseling to help him readjust and especially help the kids with the transition?

    I know this is a stressful situation and husband is going out of his way to help him. I sure hope he takes that change to get on the right path.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is he on any medication?

    You could 'pack' the good knives in prep for move.
  9. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Wow...LMS....that's a lot to handle at once!!

    Packing the knives, etc. sounds reasonable. My Al-anon sponsor keeps telling me that stuff like that is okay if it helps ME cope. Keeping the focus on me.

    The job sounds good. They need structure. And keeping busy helps. Maybe if he doesn't have access to much of his stuff, then he can't mess up much?

    My gig has room checks 3xs a day at the Sober House. They have posted expectations. Could you do something similar because of the house sale but have everyone in the house participate? Just wondering...

    Praying for you...
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My friend, I really wish I had THE answer for you and your family. Sadly I think you have to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Before he comes home it would be "ideal" if you and daughter in law agreed on all the ground rules. Reading between the lines, however, I'm not sure that she is mature enough to work in unison with you and husband.

    You've never said whether she is a drinker/smoker. I gather she is immature. Ideally it would be great if everyone was on the same page BUT in my humble opinion the most important part is that you and husband are on the same page now. Honestly I know how difficult it is but it is my advice that you and husband sit back down again and decide on goals and consequences. If difficult child messes up you need to stand as a united front. There is only so much you can do and as you know I have this overwhelming "Mommy heart" that makes it really painful to envision easy child/difficult child not in my life everyday BUT you and husband have to be "as one"...just like they say in marriage ceremonies. Work it out with husband even if husband doesn't want to "go there". I really think that is the key to difficult child#2's future. No more "playing Mom". It's time for him to "step up to the plate" and if he is not capable of doing and husband need to have a future. Don't wait LOL until you are in your 70's. Life's too short. I'm rootin' for you. Hugs DDD
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    You have a lot to think about. I think DDD is correct about having a plan. It will be his choices in the long run.
    Nothing wrong with setting boundaries about the house though I know hard it is to enforce that they clean up
    after themselves, esp. When they are notorious mess difficult child is one for sure. Hopefully those little kids will be a motivator
    for him to get a counselor and maybe some medication so he is mors stable. I will be thinking of is hard
    not to think and project into the future after all you have been through. (((Hugs)))
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    To answer a few questions...

    Honestly, we don't have alot of excess cash right now as we have been pouring everything into home repairs/updating the house for sell. I did want to get grandson especially into counceling but I don't even think that time would allow daughter in law to do this even if we could fund it on a regular basis. Grandson is in school now from 12 to 3 and then daughter in law is taking classes 2 nights a week to get her GED. She and the kids have been living with her mother and her mother works 2 jobs. Her mother watches the kids for daughter in law when needed...and they live around 30 mins from me.
    Another point is that daughter in law is ALWAYS late...I could just see us paying for more missed or late appmnts to a therapist rather than her even making it, sigh.

    It is my understanding from daughter in law that young difficult child will be expected to go to AA meetings and also be drug tested.
    Tomorrow night from 6 to 8 pm husband and I plan to attend what is called a Sponser Orientation Program. There they will answer questions like: What is the role of the parole officer? How often does the offender report? How often does the parole officer visit the offender? What happens when a condition of parole is broken and/or a blue warrant is issued?
    This is a 2 hour orientation...I know husband does NOT really want to go, but I am insisting.

    Ya know...I love this daughter in law to pieces. She is very nurturing to the grandchildren. A very relaxed mom...maybe too relaxed sometimes. She used to be a "party girl" before Young difficult child married her. She quit everything except cigarettes when she found out she was pregnant with oldest grandchild. She is not a "survivor"...she does not generally do a good job of looking out for number one...She is often too busy taking care of everyone else. She is also an enabler and she is a slob just like young difficult child, sigh. I think the one thing that bothers me most is that the kids have very little structure from either parent. For instance, daughter in law and the kids slept on the couches downstairs the other night as they are "used to sleeping in the living room". They have bedrooms with beds...and yet she will sleep in the living room with all the kids to the tv going. Bedtime is "whenever" and wakep the same.
    She has nursed all 3 of the grandkids from 6 to 8 months. She reads to the kids almost every night. She will go to doctors/hospital visits day or night if the kids are sick etc. She is a sweetie...but you are right, she has some more growing up to do. She and Grandson's birthday is tomorrow. I will be making them a cake and having presents before husband and I leave for the orientation meeting re young difficult child. I got her a gift certificate to Victoria Secret. Yikes, what was I thinking...they already have 3 children they can't afford...However, it is my understanding that daughter in law is taking "shots" now every few months to prevent another pregnancy. But she DOES love the babies, for sure.

    It is so sad that I am now thinking of all the places around our home and in the garage that have blades of some sort. I will gather as much as I can...just really wish it didnt' have to be a concern.
    Oldest difficult child was almost shot once though. He had taken a knife out of the kitchen drawer to cut himself. He ran out the back door and through the neighborhood. I called police. Half the neighborhood ended up in the field across the street from our home watching the drama unfold as police surrounded oldest difficult child and told him to put the knife down...he refused at first. A few weeks/months later...a police officer was at our house for another incident involving a knife. Oldest difficult child pulled a "butter knife" on young difficult child and young difficult child called police. They arrested oldest difficult child for aggravated assault, roll-eyes. The judge gratefully threw that one out as they are brothers and young difficult child's life was never really in danger. But the police did tell us that they came awfully close to shooting oldest difficult child in that field the night he had the knife and wouldn't put it down at first. Really scared me.

    Midwest mom,
    I didn't really "do" anything extra nice for myself except enjoy a cheese roll for dessert, smile. We also got a new front door for our home (to sell) yesterday and it is absolutely gorgeos! I am SO ready to sell the house, get out of debt, and have some excess cash as we won't have any more "home repairs" to take care of...Seriously, we have dumped more than 10k into the house since July.

    I am so relieved that I will have you all to share with/vent when young difficult child is released.
    Thanks again for caring,
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    daughter in law contacted me today and said young difficult child's date of release is Dec 3rd. Wow.
    I'm pretty sure it's a fact as Immigration contacted me today too. See, young difficult child was born in Germany when husband was in the Army. Apparently they didn't have record of young difficult child's birth and would not be able to release him without further info. I have his birth abroad certificate and his passport number from when he was a baby...gave that info to them.

    Our realtor with be here in around 20 mins to sign the papers to put the house up for sell. I sure hope we put that sign in the front yard and get an offer ASAP. Can't come soon enough now that I know young difficult child is coming home in 4 weeks.

  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am glad he is getting out and I hope and pray that he will take his situation seriously and do what he needs to do to be a father and husband. Given his and his wife's financial situation, they should easily get medicaid (whatever your state calls it) and this pays for therapy. Often the tdocs who take medicaid are very dedicated and work very hard to help the kdis and the family. I cannot see that your daughter in law would earn 2x the federal poverty level and I think that is the line for children's health insurance. the dept of human servces or whomever does food stamps would be where they go to enroll, or they could likely do it online. This would give the kids the help they need, and for some appts maybe you could drive the kds? That would let you talk to the therapist and give some input if that would be helpful. There is zero reason that the kids should not get therapy. in my opinion this therapy should be a top priority and if you can help in any way it would go a long way to helping your grandkids have happy, healthy lives and avoid the problems that their parents' are trying to cope with.

    If you want help finding info, I will happily help. Sorry I haven't pm'd back, but I would LOVE to get together when you come up toward OK. We have lots of casinos but you will likely laugh at me because I don't understand much of the gambling. I get blackjack, and played poker and spades in college, but haven't played since then and likely hoover at them. otherwise I am totally lost, lol!

    You and husband need to be on the same page before youngest comes home. You need to talk to someone about the way he plays your heart strings. I know it is hard, esp the way he has gone to his knees to beg for $, but if he is to grow up and be the father his kids need, he has to learn to stand on his own. I worry about the ways he manipulates you because he knows very well what he is doing and that it is not healthy for you to be put through that. Sometimes the hardest things we ever do end up being what our kids need most, and it almost breaks us to stick to our boundaries. I really hope he doesn't try to hard to manipulate you, and that this time in custody has helped him grow up and mature.

    Making husband go to this sponsor class is excellent!!!!! in my opinion this will truly help you and husband work as a team to support youngest with-o enabling him, and may very well be what he needs to give him that extra push to become the amazing young man that we both know he can become.

  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Sus,

    I wish I had that much control over the situation...but I do not.
    daughter in law is on foodstamps. I honestly don't think she is into the "therapy" as much as it should obvious that the kids (especially oldest grandson) would benefit. There is only so much I can say/do.

    I so hope Young difficult child is ready to take the lead role in his life too. You are right...This one I have been easily "emotionally manipulated" by. I have felt so sorry for young difficult child at different times in his life.
    From the beginning, I felt he was short-changed. I had a husband at the time, who did not see staying at home with the kids as "valued work". Soooo, I got a job at the Army Barracks in Germany right after young difficult child was born. His first 4 months were mostly in the care of a Sargents wife from on base...not mine.
    Then...He is the middle child. Not the "charming oldest"...and not the baby.
    He doesn't relate to husband as easily as oldest difficult child. Oldest and husband are very charasmatic people, very outgoing, very social, etc. Young difficult child is a thinker, very emotional, more introverted, etc.
    So ya, my heartstrings often got played by young difficult child...I think I taught him too, sigh.

    Well unfortunately husband said he was exhausted/too tired to go to the Sponser Orientation meeting last night. Grrrrrr...but apparently he was not too tired to stay at the bowling ally and watch a rival team play. Yep, his "passion" took prescedence over what is suggested for a positive outcome regarding young difficult child being released from prison.
    I could have gone alone...though I didn't quite know where it was...and I was a bit intimidated to find out that it might be in downtown and I would be there amongst fellow Prisoner sponsee's. I know I know...excused huh. didnt' work out this month. Maybe next month as I expressed my disappointment to husband before going to bed.

    Kinda makes me upset with husband that he is so motivated/driven by work success...and not by "emtional success". I mean it's great that husband is offering young difficult child a job with one of his companies but what about showing young difficult child that we are participating in his "prison aftercare". I what if young difficult child has an opportunity to make good money and provide for his family if he doesn't feel that his other needs are being met. ??? Know what I mean??

    But, I suppose that is what husband is good opportunities to help them live independently. I just wish he were alittle more intune with the "heart" of the matter.

    It would be nice to see you in January Sus...regardless if it coincides with my dental visit in Ardmore. I think you live on the other side of Ok. so it would be inconvenient for both of us. However...If I could get us a stay at a motel and/or casino, then making the drive over to your side of the state might be feasible. I'll pm you as the time draws nearer and we'll discuss.

  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    It's funny to "hear" you two planning to get together. It reminds me of when I came to the US and stayed with Fran in Texas, and Susie came to stay with you Tammy, and you both came to meet me. Wasn't that fun! It is so good to be able to picture at least some of the parents here as they really are! I have wonderful memories of you both, and of everyone else whom I met!

    Tammy, I'm thinking of you and wish you luck with young difficult child.

    Love, Esther
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Selling a house is so stressful, with all you have going on I'm sending you tons of good juju for a fast and fair offer!

    I guess I never thought you'd have to pay for the grandbabies' therapies.....I assumed they had.state medical but we all know what happens when you assume......sorry.

    So, I am guessing he is living with you because the charges included issues with the kids/daughter in law ? So does he have the ability to see them any time? Is.child protection involved? If so wouldn't that be a source of family and child therapy? Maybe I'm remembering wrong. I thought there was a broken car window or something...hope I haven't mixed your story up with someone else's story... if so, sorry.
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Esther,
    I have very fond memories of you too!
    Love ya.

    Well, I flat out asked daughter in law this morning about Therapy and she told me..."I don't want (grandson) to think there's something wrong with him." She was apparently in therapy as a child and didn't like the way it made her feel. Plus she said there are all different kinds of therapists with differing opinions and ideas...and she just doesn't trust that they would know how to appropriately handle the situation.

    You were correct...Young difficult child did smash in daughter in law's front windsheild last summer when he was drunk, angry, and while husband and I were out of town for a tournament with easy child and his mother in law had kicked him out of the house. For that arrest called "Reckless Child Endangerment" because grandchildren were in the backseat and granddaughter needed a bandaid for what was thought to be glass hitting her head this is what convicted young difficult child for the original felony of spitting at police as you are not supposed to get a new arrest while on probation for a felony (the spitting at police charge).
    The "Reckless Child Endangerment" charge was dismissed this year. So young difficult child has literally spent a year incarcerated for spitting at police. Because the "Reckless Child Endangerment" charge was dismissed CPS is not involved.

    daughter in law does think that therapy as an adult can be very helpful but she doesn't think it will help grandson at his age...He just turned 5 yesterday. by the way, we had a fun birthday party at out house for daughter in law and Grandson...They were born on the same day. daughter in law turned 26. We got Grandson got a super nintendo handheld game with Mario Bros. Apparently it was a BIG hit as daughter in law told me this morning that he went to bed with it last night.

    Young difficult child and daughter in law's mother have some mending of their relationship to do. Young difficult child lived with daughter in law and the kids there for awhile and daughter in law"s mother has gotten "violent" with young difficult child. Young difficult child has of course showed violent tendency (when he shattered the windsheild with his fist). So I know daughter in law's mother does not want young difficult child living with her again...nor does young difficult child want to live with her.

    I hope that answered some of the questions.
    Thanks for caring about us Buddy...You're a sweetheart.