Ongoing tension

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ML, Dec 29, 2007.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    I need some support with dealing with life. I have way too much on my plate and I need to find the courage to make some changes. difficult child and husband are constantly going at it. husband's drinking has gotten out of control and difficult child is unable to keep emotions or feelings to himself. So daily he's telling husband that he hates him, he's ruined his life and can't wait for him to move out. I want husband out but he's not going gracefully. I can't deal with the tension any more. I'm depressed. I feel like a failure on every level. I can't seem to get anything right.

    husband can't accept that difficult child has special needs. He simply sees him as being an out of control, wild and spoiled child. We have never been on the same page about this. husband constantly complains about me being a bad parent for allowing him to get away with his behaviors. I think I'm doing the best I can. Though the more tension that is in difficult child environment the more he clings to me and it isn't good for his developing independence (separation anxiety issues).

    I don't know that I'm asking for here. I just needed a chance to vent and hopefully a kind word of encouragement. Thanks, MicheleL
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Is husband biofather to difficult child?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I had same question. Also, have you tried marriage counseling- would husband go? It might be worth going by yourself, even if he won't.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    No, husband is stepfather. We've been married 5 years. I definitely think we need counseling but until husband can stay sober, I don't think even that would help.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hon, if husband is drinking and it is a problem, he will not get help until and unless HE believes he needs it. You could stand on your head and hold your breath till you turn blue. If husband does not want to get sober, he is not going to get sober.

    You need to decide, is this something that I am willing to live with?
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    You are right. About the counseling. Probably will not help if he is still drinking.

    However, you could engage in your own personal counseling. It will help you to get stronger and open your eyes to things you never really knew about yourself. Once you know yourself, then you can decide how to proceed with the marriage. Perhaps your changes will lead to changes for husband, maybe not.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I read this, and thought about it....

    You need a break. Plain and simple. You have a GROWN UP difficult child self-medicating and yelling at a young difficult child. Both to some degree can control what they are doing if by NO OTHER way - then shutting their mouths.

    You are NOT a bad parent. You are a parent, however in a bad situation. It's a bad situation for you, and for difficult child. BBK is right - you have to ask yourself "Is this something I'm willing to live with for the rest of my life?" Personally? HE(( no. Is it a healthy environment? No. Will husband stop drinking if difficult child were a perfect child? Doubtful. But it would help. Would difficult child be a perfect child if husband were not drinking? Nope, but it certainly would help.

    I don't know what your situation is currently. But after living my life with a drug addict, alcoholic and mouth - I can tell you 100% there is no way I would put my kid through it. Subject him to it. And I would leave.

    I would pack a bag for myself, my son, I would gather important papers - and I would go get a hotel room, somewhere quiet and I would think. Think about what I wanted my future to be like. Think about what husband is willing to do to make my marriage work. Can he stop drinking? Sure. Will he? Only he knows that.
    But stomping around telling you how bad YOU are doing while he pastes his emotions behind a bottle is just cowardly. He's not coping with the situation at hand (you, his step son, his sobriety) he's masking it. You don't need to be his Mother too - you're his wife.

    Somehow by the tone of your post I got the idea that you would like him (husband) to leave, but he won't. If he won't - then you go. Get a plan first - unless he gets violent....but yelling at difficult child and you is abusive at the least. Our kids need structure, not more chaos - but they love to create chaos - they seem to feel more at home in a whirlwind. Teaching them to love peace is a life long process.

    I'm sorry hon - My vote is for getting out. No one says you can't go back...but no one is telling you you have to stay in the madness spinning out of control either.

    Also - if husband is 'egging' difficult child on or provoking him to hit or swing - you REALLY need to get out now. Truly sounds like you'd all benefit from some individual and family therapy.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you thought of going to Al-Anon for support? You certainly need and deserve some kind listening ears who understand and have been there or are going through it. I never went to Al-Anon, but did go to Codependents Anonymous (yes, it and got more help, support and love than I ever dreamed--and I needed it desperately at the time. I got more help from this self-help group than tons of therapists, which I was forced to see in order to get my BiPolar (BP) medications. Ugh. Most of them did not help me--these regular people did with their common sense and real life experiences.
    I agree that hub can't be worked with while he's drinking and that you have tough decisions to make, but you don't have to do it alone. You can reach out for help. (((Hugs)))
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Yep. What Star said.

    You said that you want husband to leave, but he's not going gracefully. Does that mean you've told husband you want him to leave and he's dragging his feet or refusing?

    Contact an attorney to learn your rights. You can usually get a free consultation. If not, consultations are usually under $100. Some employers have plans where employees get free consultations with professionals, including attorneys. Even if you don't act on any of it, it's good information to have should you need it.

    As far as the criticism from husband: his coping mechanism is alcohol. As long as he's drinking, he really has no room to criticize. Think about it. If it were just some person that you knew - but weren't married to - who was an alcoholic, how much stock would you give their criticism of how you handle things? They really aren't the picture of healthy coping, Know what I mean??

    I think of my uncle (one of the many, many alcoholics in my family - but one of the most vocal - he's sooo proud of himself) talking loudly with his slurred speech and unsteady stance telling me and anyone else how I or they should be doing this or that. I just say sarcastically ...'Yeah, Mike. I'll get right on that' and walk away.

    Not only that, but husband is exacerbating the situation with his drinking and criticism and then telling you that you're not handling it well. :slap: You don't get to create the stress and then be critical of those having to deal with the fallout. It doesn't work that way.

    husband is the only one that can fix husband. He's a big boy. Your focus is you and your son.

  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I agree with the others. Best of luck to you. Sending support and prayers.
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    Thank you so much everyone. I cannot express my appreciation enough. Your kindness and willingness to share perspective has helped a lot. Love, MicheleL.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member


    I think I might have posted this before, to you, but I was in a similar relationship with a husband who was difficult children step-dad. Unfortunately, the fall our from step dad's constant criticism of me and difficult child is still ongoing, despite ex being gone for 4 years. The damage this kind of person does on a soul, is HUGE.

    I totally understand you being depressed and frustrated. And I completely relate to how difficult child cannot stand his very presence. been there done that.

    My only advice is to get out as soon as you can. The quicker you can escape his barrage of negativity, the more quickly you and difficult child will heal.

    If he does not want to leave, than as Star and Wynter said - you pack your bags and YOU leave. However, leave with no regrets, and a heart filled with hope for a better future.........because you are making a positive step towards a brighter tomorrow.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are hurting and unhappy. there is nothing at all you can do about your h's drinking.

    You can (and probably would benefit) go to AlAnon. It is surprising how much help you get just from being there and listening if you are not ready to talk.

    Check with the Sheriff's office or the Police Station about your rights in getting him to leave, if that is what you want.

    Otherwise, ditto Star.