Opinions needed....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Debdeb1031, Nov 25, 2007.

  1. Debdeb1031

    Debdeb1031 New Member

    Bob (my SO) didn't come home last night....we have been fighting due to his drinking and i know he was drinking last night...and he didn't come home...i know today (if he didn't mix pills with his booze) he will be apologetic...my question is...what would you guys do if your man did that? would you think he was with some bar skank?? (cause that is what is running thru my mind) I want to take all his clothes and stuff and just throw it out in the dumpster ( that's the mad side)...but i am just sitting here crying instead...this hurts...
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Good morning Deb~

    Well. I'm sorry SO didn't come home last night. I'm sure you must be worried.

    Is this a pattern with him? Or a first time all nighter?

    Does he have a history of sleeping with other women?

    How long have the substances been an issue?

    How does he treat you?

    How does he treat your kids?

    What do YOU think you should do?

    I grew up in an alcoholic home. I know how hard it was on me and my brother. My main concern would be what it is doing to your kids.

  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're so sad. Once when I was 18, I slept over husband's house, on the couch. In the middle of the night his step-mother came out and started throwing all father in law's clothes on a chair. I just pretended to be asleep. Then he came home at dawn and they had this gigantic fight, all the while I'm on the couch there with my eyes shut. It was disturbing to see that. I would avoid anything that will upset the kids, you can't change him-only yourself. (((HUGS)))-Alyssa
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Deb, since this is the second time you've posted about Bob's drinking this week it sounds like it is a serious problem for him and for your relationship.

    What have you tried so far? Does he agree that it's a problem?

  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    If you are asking for opinions, as to whether or not he was with another girl, I don't think any of us can answer that.

    Honest? About a 50-50 chance.

    Not the reason he left the house though. He left to go get smashed.

    He has a drinking problem, and it is not going to get better no matter how much you cry and beg. He has to want to get help.

    I am so sorry that you are sad. I am sorry that you are hurting.

    There is another gal on the board whose hubby was drinking increasingly. He started skipping work. I told her that maybe she should leave the house. Like you, she did not think she was capable of handling things without him. Eventually he came home drunk and was abusive physically to her and their older son. Now there is a court case over this hanging in the air.

    Think really hard about what your husband might be capable of if he came home drunk. If that scares you enough, you might want to come up with an emergency plan for yourself and the kids. Find a DV shelter and keep the number handy. Have a bag packed so if necessary, you and the kids can run. Involve a neighbor. And do NOT be afraid to call the police if things get out of hand.

    These words sound scary if you have never gone through this before. It could save your life, so don't brush them off.

    Hang in there sweetie. Keep us informed.
  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    been there done that...many years ago. Going through an abusive relationship is the hardest thing I ever did..so far. Made me a much stronger person. Took a long time for me to realize that I DESERVE better, and so did my son.

    You have a RIGHT to your feelings. It is not wrong to have feelings. The hard part is believing what is in your head vs what is in your heart.

    sending strength your way. This must be a personal decision.
  7. Debdeb1031

    Debdeb1031 New Member

    thanks everyone...

    golden...to answer the questions...this is the first time he has pulled an all nighter...other women have never been an issue that i know of...however we haven't fooled around for quite some time...he has been a drinker his whole life...friends from work are the same way...rushing to the bar every break they can get during work and running there everyday after...his friend larry likes to give him the zanex which really seems to mess a person up when they are drinking...they think nothing of exchanging different types of pills...that happens once in a while...when he is sober he treats me and the kids like gold...when he comes home if he only had beer that day, he is fine...it's when he starts with the shots of jack daniels (i refer to as devil juice) that he becomes a different man (loud and you can't have a conversation with him-not because he is slurring but because he is just an :censored2:) of course those times after he has passed out, i help myself to some cash in his pockets for something for me and the kids...shameful i know, but i figured if he could waste his money in the bar, then i can waste it on something fun and frivolous for me and the kids...<snicker> he doesn't remember what he had left anyway...as far as what i should do?? i don't know...i love him and i hate him...its just that i am at the point where if i hear the word bar or beer i cringe...when i first met him, i was on the path of becoming like him...i would drink with him all the time...but it got old fast for me..now mabey if i go out i have one drink if at all...when he is sober he realizes that he has a problem then i hear all the words how he is going to change and how me and the kids are the most important thing in the world to him yada yada yada...it seems to me a man's word is S - - - ...

    alyssa..thanks for the hit home story...he is so worth wanting to change...

    Suz...he does admit he has a problem, and he does say he wants to change, but then he goes to work with his friends who are just like him, and i believe they put in his head that i am controlling him...cause when he drinks excessively he says that he will never change and to love him like he is

    BBK.. thanks for the advice....i believe he would never hurt us in the physical sense...mentally i'm not sure...however the kids don't know that he is drunk when he is...they just continue to worship the water he walks on...they love him so much (sometimes i think more than their biological father) and on a different note...you have the personality of a goddess!!!!
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My s2bx started drinking more and more, staying out at the bars until 1 a.m. on work nights, and then I did catch him cheating on me. I'm not saying this is the case with yours, but the signs you listed just struck very close to home for me.

    Could you just ask him if there is someone else??? I followed my s2bx's cell phone records and had the facts before I confronted him. He never denied it.
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    So just to recap your own words:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Debdeb1031</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    he has been a drinker his whole life...

    his friend larry likes to give him the zanex they think nothing of exchanging different types of pills...

    it's when he starts with the shots of jack daniels (i refer to as devil juice) that he becomes a different man (loud and you can't have a conversation with him-not because he is slurring but because he is just an :censored2:)

    he doesn't remember what he had left anyway...

    i love him and i hate him...

    when he is sober he realizes that he has a problem

    when he drinks excessively he says that he will never change and to love him like he is

    however the kids don't know that he is drunk when he is...


    My thoughts?

    Drinking his whole life is not a good sign. Blacking out is not a good sign. An obnoxious drunk? Love/hate thing is not a good sign. By his own admission he says he will never change - not a good sign.

    Lastly - your kids know more than you realize. I have memories of being 4 years old and understanding in my little mind that things were not right. If your kids don't realize the whole picture it is just a matter of time before they do.

    Your SO needs to get help. You need to get support to deal with SO. in my humble opinion. Try an AlAnon meeting soon.
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm pretty sure the kids know something. They always do.

    I think the throwing out of clothes andkicking him out is an emotional reaction to fraught nerves and anger.
    I would make a plan. Wait until you cool off (and you will). Remember that this man is not going to change after a life of drinking. His first love is the bar and having a drunken time. You and the kids are loved and attended to when it fits into his schedule of partying.
    His staying out all night is the immature behavior of someone in their 20's and not a father close to 50.

    Expect an apology, go back about your business and decide whether you want this life. If not make a plan. He isn't changing so either figure out how to get him out of your life or put up with it. Sorry to be blunt but we can't cure our kids with all the love and attention we give them. I know we can't cure adults of their drinking and drugging behavior.

    I'm sorry for your sadness.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Having recently stepped out of your shoes (one foot precariously hanging in the air) I can tell you that:

    1 - The kids know that something is up. They know when you're angry with him and why, even if you don't verbally voice your feelings to SO. Kids are incredibly perceptive and they KNOW when something is not right.

    *As to your comment about loving him and worshipping him - well, yes, if most of the time he's a good dad and attentive and loving and provides for them, then it's only natural they love him. For all practical purposes, he is their full time dad. However, they probably do not like what his drinking does to you, as well as what it does to him and how it affects their lives.

    2 - If he is a life long drinker and mixes booze with pills he seriously needs help. Pleading and threatening him are not going to fix that.

    3 - The first natural thought is to wonder if he's cheating on you...did he pull an all nighter because he's in some skanky barfly's arms? More than likely he's not. He's just a sloppy drunken sot passed out in his own vehicle, possibly even pis.sing himself. Not a very romantic vision, is it?

    4 - You can make it on your own. In the short term, it will be incredibly hard work and require a lot of patience and support from friends and family. But in the long term, you will be better for the hard work and peace of mind that comes from knowing you will not tolerate living in such dire circumstances.

    I left my exh because he was abusing pot and cocaine. It was the most difficult time of my life, yet I have never regretted it.

    I remarried 11 years ago to a man who is a great father to my daughters, he works hard, he's generous and funny and kind hearted and handsome to boot! My dds' adore him and easy child in particular would have hand picked him as her dad if she could have.

    Last year, I made the decision to leave my current H due to his drinking. He didn't get drunk all the time, he didn't pull all-nighters all the time, he wasn't cheating, and he wasn't abusive on alcohol. NO, he was emotionally abusive because of the alcohol and because of his belief that by my asking him to stop I was impinging on one of his personal rights & freedoms. Ha -

    After one last night of driving home wasted after being out all night drinking and crashing on his friend's couch, I kicked him out. I told him that I was done. That if he continued to drink, we were over. And I knew before I said it that my life would be in store for some hard times, especially going into the holiday season and also because my easy child had just started college - but I didn't think about that. All I kept thinking was that I needed clarity in my life, peace of mind in knowing that I'd never have to deal with his filthy alcoholic behaviors. And also because I needed my children to see that his behavior was not normal or acceptable in our lives. I perish the thought that they should ever have to go through something like this. He comes from a long line of alcoholics so it's no surprise that he is one. I come from a long line of alcoholics as well, so it's no surprise that I married two addictive men.

    On or around December 1st this year, my H will be sober one full year. I always have that niggling fear that something will make him pick up a beer or a glass of wine. I have curbed my own drinking as a means of support for him, but he says it's fine if I drink. Over the years of fighting about his drinking he would often tell me that if he quit I would also have to quit, which I did a couple of times...but you see, that was his alcoholism talking. He was resentful that I was telling him to quit drinking and he tried to punish me by telling me I was an alcoholic as well. He was playing games. It wasn't until he realized his own true alcoholism and what it was doing to his family that he was finally able to stare it straight in the face and make some changes. Do you know what I mean? Alcoholics, all addicts, are grand manipulators!

    I strongly urge you to attend an Al-Anon meeting, or see a personal counselor. You need to garner some strength for yourself and realize that this isn't okay and that a half decent dad is not better than none (for your kids). In fact not having a stepdad is better than having an alcoholic one. Also, if you're going to steal his money when he's wasted, put it aside for an emergency - like you and the kids staying at a motel if need be! Don't waste it on frivolous things - that is childish and punitive (and you don't even derive the benefit of his knowing you took his money!).

    Many hugs to you. I pray every day that my H will remain sober. Every single day.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    There are many people on this board who have had to leave husbands because of alcohol or abuse, I am just one of many. Every one of us thought that we "couldn't do it alone", "we would not make it financially", "couldn't live without them", etc., etc., etc.

    Guess, what? We are all here - doing wonderfully - supporting our children, our lives, and our passions.

    So often being in a dysfunctional addicted environment strips the very life sap out of us. We start to believe that we are less than. We become their enabler. And we become not in touch with our own inner strength, but in touch with the strength and power they somehow hold or have over us.

    Once you find the tiny seed of gumption to pack those bags, and walk out the door - your inner strength will hit you like a blast of sunshine. You will be filled with the radiating power of you - and realize that there is absolutely nothing now, that will stop you from getting everything you need in life.

    You and your children deserve a life filled with consistent love & attention, a peace filled home, a happy mommy/self, and behaviors from all members of the family that you can count on and trust.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    This is a hard question to answer because

    We don't know

    What you are willing to put up with
    How you view yourself - do you think you deserve behavior like this
    Is this the first time he's done something like this

    I wouldn't hesitate to ask him to go get tested for STD and HIV.

    It's YOUR life - you need to know you have choices - he apparently made his.

    Sorry for the hurt.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh dear. So sorry, Deb.
    I can only echo what everyone else has said.
    The kids DO know something is up.
    Your husband will not change unless he has to.
    You will have to learn to love yourself and perhaps love him from a distance until he gets help.
    Best of luck. You've got a rough road ahead of you.
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    How you hanging in there, Deb?

  16. Debdeb1031

    Debdeb1031 New Member

    BBK..hanging in there....looking at things from a distance and trying to make choices....i thank god everyday for the wonderful family i have...mom, dad,three brothers and a great sister(in fact my sis is here now to see the circus sideshow(my daughter who sheared the front of her head)...my family got me thru my separation from my hubby when rere was 9 months old..they will help me get thru this...(i left my husband for domestic abuse...and when i was at the police station and had to call for help, not just my mom showed up, but everybody did, to help with the kids and myself) so one step at a time....i deserve to be treated better...thanks for being you... :smile:
  17. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    My dad was an alcoholic, but we still thought he was the best father in the world.

    We always knew he came home drunk and started realizing it was a real problem when I was in 7th grade. The last memory I have of him was a week before he died. He came home drunk and I knew it. I'd been wanting him to buy me something (can't remember what it was) and I knew he wouldn't say no when he was drunk. He took me out and we bought whatever it was. The only thing I remember is being terrified because he was driving crazy and I thought for sure we were going to crash. A week later, he died of a heart attack (brought on by all the drinking, I'm sure). I felt horrible for a long time because of what I did the week before, and that I did nothing to help him. I thought it was my fault that he died, because I didn't tell anybody even though I knew he drank too much.

    As we grew older, we found out terrible things that had happened while he was drunk, and it still impacts us today.

    I'm pretty sure your kids know more than they say or show. If it were me, I'd give him an ultimatum - the family or the alcohol. I know there are some who live with a functioning alcoholic and everything works out. I'm not in your situation so I can't say for sure what to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that your kids probably do have an idea of what's up.