Overboard?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Triedntrue, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Just want some feedback. I have been blocking my son for awhile because his favors were driving me crazy. He is 37 he needs to become an adult. He is untreated bipolar. He has been much better lately about his temper but as i said favors and money. I switched and am using my husbands phone that my son doesn't have the number for. I unblocked my phone to let him know of a death in the family. Since have gotten a couple neutral messages that my husband filters. Got one few days ago that he wanted to take him to dr. I couldn't at that time. So get one yesterday he says he has bronchitas and pneumonia can i help him with prescriptions. My husband didn't tell me till today. There were several messages about taking him to dr and getting scritps. Then a last one about if i can't bother to answer just stay out of his life and lose his number. Slightly angry tone. I texted telling him i just got the message what does he need he didn't answer when i called. My husband is of the opinion i shouldn't help it is a way to get me back to doing favors. I feel if its medical i should help. He is on house arrest and drug tested reg. So no drug use. Opinions?
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    If he is indigent and unemployed, why hasn't he applied for Medicaid? If you have no income you can get Medicaid. Kay once lived in a state that turned down extra Medicaid and Kay still got Medicaid when she had no income and no job so your son should stop asking you for medical help when he can get Medicaid. I don't care if he doesn't want to. He needs to. Kay threw a fit over it, about how we are making her do something only trashy poor people do but that was one battle we stood up to. So she.did. Trust me, we still hear about how we made her and Lee get state benefits, like trailer trash. Her words. It means we are horrible parents.

    Newsflash. Kay, you are 33. At 33 you, like most 33 year olds, should be on your own. And that kills me. I see adults her age mostly with jobs, homes, and treating others with respect and I think that we don't have this. My other kids are younger and already on their own. My son is very young but insists on paying his own way.

    by the way, we believe Kay is untreated bipolar or borderline or both. It is her choice to refuse treatment.

    Sorry for the rant. In spite of the vacation that we are both so looking forward to today, I already cried once over Kay this morning. I have moments when I just am so sad over what my beautiful, ,musical bouncy little girl turned into.

    Another thing is your son has no insurance and has not seen a doctor so he cant know if he has bronchitis and/or pneumonia. Could just be a bad cold. I know from dealing with Kay that the truth is not in these kids.

    If you decide to pay the doctor, pay the office directly. Do not give a dime to your son. He will use any cash for drugs. I think Lee and Kay could buy a mansion for all the money they spent on pot and maybe other drugs. We used to feel sorry for Kay and hand her money no matter what she said it was for. Most of her requests were probably her own good acting, tears and lies. I am embarassed at how gullible we finally realized we were.

    Wishing you luck. Today we are driving out of town for a vacation and keeping our phone off. Maybe you need a vacation too?
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think our kids do need us. We are their parents. In most cases we represent security, love, protection, care, the right thing to do.

    I think what happens for us here, is our kids overlay this normal parental relationship with all of their wants and needs. And one thing that needs to happen is that they need to learn how to walk this back, to grow into people who want to take responsibility for themselves. To see that they can. And to want to.

    But I think we need to learn to shut off the automatic giving function, to block it, so to speak. Which is what you are doing. Good for you.

    So. What is son doing here? is he reaching out from his true need for a mother's love and help? Or is he reaching out because he acts from a space of wanting you to (inappropriately) fulfill his needs?

    If he needs help with prescriptions, as Busy says, and he is indigent, has he gone through the channels to get his needs met in appropriate ways? Like Medicaid? Or is he putting it on you, inappropriately, because he is living from the sense, that you can and should bear all burdens?

    Sometimes in walking this back, walking back what our lives have become with our kids, we have to say no, much more than we would want. Because our kids have come to live with too much yes.

    I find it painful that you would have to say no to prescriptions. But is it really prescriptions or does he want money? And is he shirking responsibility by not choosing to do things the right way? If this is the case you would not be helping either him or yourself, to reinforce irresponsible behavior on his part.

    I think there is too much unknown about the situation, to know what to do. And finding out would open you up to back and forth that could be difficult. I think the burden of proof is on son to establish himself as safe. He needs to walk towards you, not the reverse.

    But that said, you are his mother. And I recognize how deeply difficult is this position. To feel you have to do 20 questions in order to help your child. So. My response is this: I don't know what you should do. I am sorry. I feel how difficult this is.

    I think busy's idea about paying directly for prescriptions or medical care has merit. But has he put into place what he should have, the necessary procedures, benefits, that would pay this expense? Maybe it would be a good idea to put him in touch with services that would help him do for himself.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Thank you both for your replies it helps to know what you think . He is working but his insurance hasnt kicked in yet. I don't know what that means for medicaid. Busy i truly hope you are able to relax and enjoy your vacation. I have followed your story and you deserve it.
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You can only do what you can live with. My suggestion is if you choose to pay for his medication to make sure you do it in person or pay the pharmacy over the phone directly.
    My son has tried to scam me out of money claiming it was for medical reasons only to find out he was lying. It's truly sad that I cannot trust anything my son says.
     
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    This was part of the favors issue. I learned not to give money a long time ago. He is still not answering but i called the hospital and asked if he had been admitted they said he was in the emergency room. I hope that means he has found a way to get treatment.
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    IN our state, you can't get Medicaid just because you aren't working. My son didn't qualify even with a doctors note that he was unable to work. He had to apply for SS disability. Once he was in the SS system, but before he was approved, he was finally able to get a medical card.

    The fact that your son is working would probably disqualify him in our state, and probably most states. We do have a community health clinic, and they have a sliding fee. Walking in to a hospital ER isn't a good option here...too expensive and they don't really treat, but refer you to another facility, which ends up costing you double.

    Ksm
     
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Hi. Writing from my computer in our peaceful cabin. Strongly suggest you all get away if you can.

    Check your state. Each one has different rules about Medicaid from lenient to very strict.