Overstress Overtired Overwhemed................Vent/whine post sorry (long)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I am quite literally at the end of my rope.....and I'm not finding a knot at the end to hold on to.

    It has been a very long year. School is bad enough with the workload and the stress and demands it makes. But coupled with that I've had crisis after crisis, poor health (to put it mildly) and had my bff die. This quarter has been no different. Had that whole WW III break out between sister in law and Nichole that carried over to easy child....... And although I refused to get in it.......still felt stuck in the middle. Mom keeps having psychotic breaks. Now I'm dealing with a severely infected tooth that I think the infection has spread to the sinuses. And we get a call today mother in law's health is failing pretty bad. So sister in law and husband's bro are mad cuz holy cow couldn't just drop everything and run to nursing home and talk 96 yr old mother in law into going to the hospital. (been in clincal all day) Not that I'd have tried to talk her into it anyway. The woman is 96, suffering.....how about they just live her alone and let her pass in peace....omg.

    1st week of medication passes were a nitemare with instructor breathing down my neck making me feel like a complete idiot. Survived that, had 2 good weeks passing medications with preceptors......and feeling like maybe was not so stupid........

    Only to have the most nitemarish hellish day today. I will be honest. If it hadn't been for my classmates......I'd have quit today. Yes. It was unbelievable. I'm still rolling the whole quitting thing around in my mind.......

    So, been passing medications this whole quarter, no patient care at all. This is a new facility to us. I had no patient care. All I saw for those weeks were medication books and medication. Period. Today was to be my 1st day of patient care, was to share 6 pts (we've only ever had 1-2 max before) with another student who has had patient care before so she could help orientate me into where things where and how to do treatments ect. This suited me just fine as the entire course all of my patients have been super easy with most of them being discharged by noon. And the patients where we are now require much complicated care. So I was nervous.

    The infected tooth thing started last weekend. Missed a day of school trying to get in to a dentist, not happening without insurance.......all booked. Finally found 1 who will see me and they're supposed to call when they get a cancellation....they are packed solid cuz they do welfare patients. So am in horrendous pain without pain medications, sick....... Still I go in because I don't want to leave the other student hanging with all those patients by herself.

    Other student no called/no showed on me. Instructor was livid. Evidently decided to take it out on me. Sooooo I go to do vitals and assessments on my 6 patients I now have all by myself in a facility I've not been oriented to. I stumble through that half way decent. Time to do the 8am charting. Ok, not like I haven't done that before. So we have to write them on another sheet before entering it into the patient chart.

    And the day went straight to hades. Suddenly nothing I wrote was good enough, worded correctly, not in the right order. She'd check them find something wrong......not always really wrong, she just didn't like how it was done.....and make me rewrite the whole thing again. She'd pull one away in the middle of me writing it then gripe at me that it was incomplete. Got to the point where I couldn't write a sentence to please her.

    Now honestly I don't know if it's because I'm sick or because of the brain injury. But my brain just completely shut down. In a scarey sort of way. I couldn't make sense of what I was writing, couldn't make sense of what she wanted me to write, couldn't remember what order she wanted things in.........And I got slower and slower about rewriting them. Because it got worse and worse.

    My brain will go into shut down mode under extreme stress. There isn't much I can do about it. Usually can cope by stepping back taking a few mins to regroup/rethink. But she would not let up and leave me alone long enough. Finally at almost 1pm she let me take a break.......my 1st break, not lunch, a break.

    So for 4 hrs I'd been re-writing 8am nurses notes. I did get to quickly see the trach suctioned on one patient and 2 dressing changes. But seriously by then my mind was just gone and it didn't register at all. Barely have any memory of it.

    So I'm walking to the breakroom which thankfully is far from the unit. I am so livid/frustrated I'm fighting back tears, clear signal I've reached my breaking point. I passed the student working that unit.....she recognized the look, cuz she'd had it the week before when instructor did similar to her and I'd talked her out of quitting. She stopped me and helped calm me, went to break with me and talked to me letting me vent some.

    Even then it took everything I had to walk back to the unit and deal with her again. now she's even more mad cuz it's after 1pm and of course I'm still working on those 8am nursing notes she won't approve to save my life. So out of desperation I grab a chart of one of the patients and looked to see how another student had charted the day before......basically copied it word for word except put in my own findings and vital signs ect. She had approved that student's entry and even praised to to me. So I show it to her and she went ballistic again. omg

    Let's just say those notes weren't finished until 1:30pm. Then she was mad because she'd made me work on them all day so she had to give report to the nurses because the other student passing medications had done my treatments ect. Then told me to stay after the students left she wanted to talk to me.

    Sooooo. Yeah. That wasn't much better. She told me I had acted totally incompetent, then asked what the hades was wrong with ME. So I did explain that I was sick ect and taking over the counter medications in attempt to deal with the pain. She just basically told me not to show up tomorrow if I didn't feel better.

    Then told me if it happened again......even remotely close to what happened today she'd flunk me out of clinicals.

    Ok. I can take criticism with the best of them. I wasn't working up to par. I know that, I'm not stupid. I probably should've just stayed home. But then she'd have been furious with me for missing a clinical day. So no win there. I don't know what made my brain shut down so completely....I mean seriously...I was there....but I was NOT there if you know what I mean. Really hard to describe. And scary once I was out of there and to my car and it began to subside. Still had to sit there a while and let my brain sort of regroup.

    This was a much more severe version of what happened the 1st wk of medication pass.

    They don't know about my Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and I won't tell them. Instinct tells me I'd never make it through the program if I did/do.......and I trust my gut. So I explained my reaction as over the counter medications. But I only took extra strength tylenol this morning. So I'm pretty sure it was the stress/being overwhelmed thing that caused the shut down. Just never had it happen to that extreme before.:(

    I feel like I've wasted both my time and money on this program. Instructors that don't teach. Lessons ect that come out of books other than the ones we're told to buy. Clinicals that are basically a joke because for 3 quarters you're not allowed to do anything hardly at all, then in the 4th you're expected to step up to the plate and act as if you've been a nurse for 10 yrs.

    It's a shame, but other than pharm......I'm not leaving this program with any information that I hadn't already known going in that I learned 30 yrs ago. If I hadn't had that knowledge base I doubt I'd have made it this far. There is a reason we've lost more than half the class. (a 1st in this program)

    Obviously since I'm up at 2am I'm not getting up at 4am to go to clinicals. I'm headed to the ER in hopes of pain medications and something for this infection.

    I honestly could care less whether I finish the program or not. And at this point I don't know if I will be going to class on monday.......or at all. Three wks to graduation seems to be the magic number for me I guess. At this point graduation means nothing. I'm sick of spending hours trying to teach myself what I'm paying thousands of dollars to an instructor to teach me. Sick of being thrown to the wolves and expected to know things off the top of my head because we saw it in class once and tested on it months before.

    This may have been my last straw. Even someone starting out at a new job doesn't get 6 patients they know nothing about except for a 3 mins report of dxes and left to just get the job done without having an orientation period. Completely unreasonable. None of the other students faced that. Not one of them. They have all had patient care before at this facility with her being nice and answering questions and showing them where things were and how to do the treatments. But because I was 1st medication pass.........I got nothing, then treated like **** because I couldn't pull it out my fanny and just step up and DO IT.:mad:

    Normally I'd have went off on the instructor....tactfully, but I'd have put her in her place and told her to back off. But today the brain was so shut down I couldn't even do that......couldn't even show emotion until I was a far distance away from the situation.

    Vented to my mother.........all she did was remind me of 30 yrs ago when I also walked out 3 wks before graduating. Yep, but 30 yrs ago I didn't have health issues and a family crisis each week......and a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) to contend with either. So yeah, thanks Mom that makes me feel so much better.

    husband is avoiding me cuz he basically said the same and I ripped his head off.

    easy child gets it. She totally does. She's shared my frustration throughout the entire program.

    So now I feel like I wasted the last 4 yrs in school. I don't mind the thought of going back to class so much.......not that it's great but I can deal anyway. Just do not........NOT.......want to do 1 more day of clinical with that woman. There was no reason for her to put that entire load on me today. Completely unreasonable.........then with the whole nurses notes nitemare....yeah. Which was done in the middle of the nurses station with all of them listening....I mean heck you couldn't miss it. Other students didn't dare speak to me when she was around.

    Yeah. It's been such a wonderful year..........
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're feeling such physical and emotional pain. You've worked so hard to get to this point. Yesterday, you had an abusive person telling you what's what. DO NOT let her help you lose sight of your dreams. You aren't quitting. You need some time to get your tooth better and you can concentrate better, even if it's just to put someone in their place for having unrealistic expectations. Get help for the tooth first......put yourself in "I gotta keep going mode" it's just for a few more weeks. You're a strong woman. Now is not the time to deal with mother in law at all- never, not now. Put all the other BS to the back of your mind, let everything except school and your tooth infection be ignored. And don't ever give up. You can do this!!!!!!!!! ((((HUGS))))) Keep fighting!Do not let that woman intimidate you.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Do NOT give up on your dream. I understand that desire to just leave it all and have a stress free time even if only for a few months. It will be here before you know it! You will be DONE! Forever!

    I wish I knew a nursing cheer! I know you are really down there right now - but you need someone to tell you "YOU CAN DO IT!" I know you can. YOu can be a nurse and help people and maybe even change someone's life!
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry things were so awful. You really CAN do this. Please do not quit on your dream. You have worked SO HARD for SO LONG and invested SO MUCH of YOU into this degree. It is OKAY if you never want to work another hospital job after this clinical. Nursing is such a diverse field and there really ARE many jobs that will not have you on the spot like this.

    This abusive supervisor has a boss. The way she treated you, esp after the way you were robbed of so many clinical hours in the past, is wrong. I understand going blank mentally like that. I almost flunked an entire semester of college because the migraines and the medications that were available back then did that to me for the last 3 weeks of the semester.

    If you quit you will kick yourself for a long long time. This beyatch of a supervisor gets her jollies by bullying and abusing students. Just think about the complaint you are going to file (formally) with the University after you graduate!! Concentrate on that instead of her koi.

    Are you keeping enough protein in your body? Get some of those protein bars - make sure they are roughly 30-30-40 fat-proteing-carb - and eat at least 1 right before you start, and sneak 1/2 to 1 in the bathroom every 3 hours. Balance bars and Zone bars are usually this balance. It will not only keep your energy up but it will also help keep your mind going at peak efficiency. The old Zone diet plan is a very effective lifestyle because it has you follow that 30-30-40 for all of your meals and snacks. If you need something quick that will work in the am, an egg mcmuffin is close to this but a little high on the fat. Half a snickers and 2 oz turkey is a good snack. My mom told husband and I we were crazy to try a "fad" diet like that but we finally got her to try it. She and I both battle mental fog as part of fibromyalgia and other health crud. This makes a giant difference.

    If you cannot eat early in the am, get some protein powder and mix it into a little bit of milk or juice and chug it in the am. Eating a breakfast with a good amt of protein is critical to your mind working well.

    Walmart carrys EAS protein powder in choc and vanilla. I get the kind with sugar and this is about the only place I can find it (allergic to sweeteners), but it is reasonably priced and works well.

    Get some orajel to help with the absess or try clove oil if that doesn't work. If Krogers doesn't have clove oil at the pharmacy, check out Michaels in the cake/candy making section.


    Ignore your mom, mother in law, kids demands, everything. They only exist if they can do something to help YOU or YOU need a hug. These next 4 weeks are all about YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!! I say 4 weeks because you are going to NEED to take a week to recover.

    We all love you and believe in you. If we can do anything else to help, just ask.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Lisa...many hugs. That woman had no right to be so awful. I hear your frustration and anger, but please, don't give up. It's only three more weeks, and you'll spend considerably longer than that kicking yourself if you walk out now. You CAN do this. You CAN finish this program. You CAN succeed at this. You WILL make an awesome nurse.

    Get your tooth checked out, and hopefully there's something that can be done for it ASAP. Sending more hugs.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. What a bully! That awful woman as no business teaching and I agree that you should report her - just as soon as you have that diploma in your hand!

    But DON'T YOU DARE QUIT NOW! Then SHE wins, after all the time and all the hard work you've put in! You don't want that all to be for nothing, do you? You only have a few weeks to go and soon you will have achieved your goal and school will all be just a bad memory. I can't even imagine how difficult this must all be for you, especially with an abcessed tooth! I hope you can find someone to help with your tooth and maybe it will make it easier to handle. Let doing well be your revenge on her for giving you such a hard time!

    I admire you so much for getting this far and we all know how hard you've worked and how dedicated you've been, especially with all the other stressful things that you've had to contend with at the first time! Sending many, many hugs. You will get through these last few weeks - we'll all be right behind you.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Don't quit. You need a job and medical insurance badly. It is 3 wks until you can change your lot in life. You tolerated a lot in your life, taking one day at a time is how you change things. Small baby steps.
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree. Somehow you need to step back and focus on the big picture and the big rewards (job, insurance, stability) and NOT a few days of a very nasty woman.

    You can do this, Lisa.

  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Not quitting. Although I will admit the temptation is extremely strong.

    But not this close. She can flunk me, but I won't quit. And hopefully by next week I'll be feeling better and instead of brain shut down will simply tell her to go stuff herself. I am not the least bit intimidated by the woman. I've put her in her place many times in the past.....so it's not that.

    It's the brain shut down that scared/scares the hades out of me. Truly it does. It was like I was on heavy duty drugs........and she may have believed I was on heavy duty drugs because it probably appeared that way. Now that I've calmed down enough over it.........maybe that is why she said what she said. I don't know. I do know that I didn't go to clinical today because physically I just wasn't up to it. Had nothing to do with her. I even called her early and told her.

    I don't understand the shut down to that degree. Scary stuff when you can't make sense out of what you're trying to write down even though you're just copying it, or follow simple instructions. Scary when it seems like you've been on a task for 5 mins and 3 hrs have passed and you never noticed. Not talking the sort of busy work that makes time fly. This was copying maybe a paragraph of information. Even the emotions shut down........which is a 1st. Because brain shut down tends to make me snappy and mean out of frustration if nothing else.

    *sigh* I've written nurses notes/charted for ages.........not just with school but when I worked in the hospital and nursing home. It's just not that difficult. And while this instructor is more than over the top and anal retentive about it.......normally I'm the one who can get my nursing notes past her in one shot because I learned to do them the way she wants them done. Although in her mood yesterday.......can't say for sure. It does not make a difference the order in which you chart what you did for a patient on each entry as long as you include everything you did and found. Which I had done until she decided to pick it to pieces and the shut down started. ugh

    Is awful but I'm still having issues just trying to write out this post, not to mention the first one.

    Hoping it is because I'm sick........if not I'll have to find out the cause.

    But like easy child says........could've been a one time deal due to the infection. Just 3 more days with this woman. If it happens again it happens. Make her flunk me.

    I used to be a difficult child. I also used to be a quitter. Is why this is so important that it ranked #1 on my bucket list. I don't quit anymore.

    Love you guys

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If the infection is in your sinus cavities it very well could be causing pressure on your brain which, when added to whatever the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) did, COULD have caused the shut down. My mom spent a lot of years with migraines that were caused by her brain swelling. It was an autoimmune thing and until she started on medications that suppressed her immune system nothing helped then. She would slur words, make NO sense, not remember things, not be able to copy things, make change, or do much of anything but hide and barf in the dark. It was scary for all of us, but most especially her. She really thought she was either going to die or become some kind of vegetable that we had to take care of. I cannot count how many times she would get all upset because she thought something had happened that hadn't, or she got something mixed up, or just couldn't function.

    If she had a sinus infection it was a LOT worse. EVERY TIME. I could tell about 3 days before the doctor could that she had an infection there because of how she would act and forget things. She forgot what time my school started for an entire YEAR. I had a lot of muscle problems and couldn't walk to school because them, and school WAS the bus stop, so I would have to get her up and ready. I missed the first 15 mins of school for almost an entire YEAR. It was because this brain swelling. Just as I would get it into her memory that the time was earlier than she thought, she would have another episode and we would start from scratch.

    Kick this woman's ass if she keeps being a gritch. She is just a bully drunk on her own imagined power because she probably KNOWS she hoovers as a teacher and only keeps her job by scaring students.

  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Are you taking any vitamins? eating right? Be sure to take care to watch what you are eating that could facilitate such a fog - you never know what it could be. Sometimes just a drop in one vitamin can throw us for a few days.
  12. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sometimes when one's mind has reached its limit (but the body carrying that mind around refuses to stop)...the mind will shut itself off for a bit. It sounds like this is what happened to you.

    So what to do?

    You need to LISTEN to your MIND. It is telling you that you are piling on the stress and the worry and project on top of project on top of project on top of project....and it is TOO MUCH right now!

    You need to find a way to eliminate some of the burdens that you are currently carrying. What project can you set aside for a moment? What can someone do for themselves, instead of with your assistance? What can you stop thinking/stressing/worrying about for a while?

    I know it will be hard to shut down some of those stressors - but you really need to force yourself to stop being everybody's "savior" for a while.

    Please take care of yourself (and your tooth!) and try and give your brain a rest when you can!
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    HD, if the infection from an abcessed upper tooth spreads to the sinuses; it is only a short hop to developing a brain abcess from there.

    You CANNOT fool with this; insurance or no insurance. You NEED course of antibiotics and the tooth HAS to be pulled. The ideal is to have a root canal done, but pulling the tooth is a LOT cheaper.