played like an idiot

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Dec 8, 2007.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Becky came in at ten last night....stoned out her head. She was so high that she was saying some really scarey stuff.

    She was suppsed to go to her friend's and pick up her mp3 player that she'd left in her locker at school and come right home. I went out looking after 20 mins...for three hours and didn't find her. The house she was to be at was dark, no answer at the door or the phone.

    Than while trying to talk to her(I surprised myself...I was so shocked I was calm) husband's sister shows up at 10:30pm...and stayed until after midnight....she was so drunk it was disgusting...

    This morning, Becky is rude, nasty and just oh so proud of herself....husband told me to leave it alone she might have learned her lesson....yeah right....she said she's been doing this for over a month now and loves it....

    husband tells me I am over the top and need to calm down....that it wasn't a big now she has his a do this.....geez :grrr: what is it going to take to get through to this guy that his lazy way towards parenting is making it worse? I told him I am leaving and he said not with the baby.....maybe we should all sit around in a circle and get high??? :cigarsmoker:

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    If you feel like making this a big deal, then by darn, MAKE it a big deal! To heck with husband and his lazy parenting. You do what you feel is right and necessary and to heck with husband.

    If husband wants to play ostrich, let him bury his head in the sand. It'll bite him in the arse later down the road.


  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Does husband really live on this planet? If she came so high that she was incoherent, it's a real problem. I'm with Lisa, have a hissy fit with or without his permission. Tell him he doesn't have to do anything, just support your decision and not undermine you. Then, go to war and ground this young "lady."
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    How can he think it's no big deal? You are right, he just gave her permission to do it again.

    Do what you feel you need to, no matter what he thinks.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    For the love of all things good and precious in this world.

    Here's my line of thinking...if you feel you want to leave, and he says not with the baby...I'd like to see him stop you!

    Big deal or not, it is ILLEGAL. husband does not have his head in a hole in the sand. But it IS in a hole...

    HUGE hugs and prayers your way.
  6. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Sending hugs, carolanne.

    Beware of trangulation. Emphasis can shift so easily from the issue of the drug-using child's behaviors to frustration with the marriage partner. The kids eat up on this, because they get to play victim to the mean, over-reactive parent.

    Whatever you and your husband decide, get on the same page with each other.

    Now might be a good time to go for coffee somewhere and carve out a plan for how you will both proceed if your child's behavior continues.

    Let this incident, and the anger attending it, go.

    Nothing can change what has already occurred.

    Prepare for the next time now.

    Be proactive.

    husband should not have said what he said about it being okay for you to leave but that you should not take the baby.

    This tells me he is stressed and defending a position he may not really believe in because he does not know how else to respond.

    When we parents are at each other's throats, that is a sign that the child has what he or she has been aiming for ~ chaos in the home so the wrong behavior cannot be properly addressed.

    You need to create a united front with your husband now. The only way to do that is to nurture your relationship.

    If this child is going to choose this kind of behavior, you will need to come up with a plan for how to react in the future.

    Let the anger go.

    Reach out to your husband.

    Get away from the house if you can do it.

    It is just as Fran posted on another thread: the mother is the spindle around which the family comes together.

    husband wants you to be happy. He wants you not to be angry with him, because he did not do this.

    Most husband's just want peace in the house, and will take whatever choice will give them that at the moment.

    Nurture your relationship with him now, and the rest will fall into place.

    Make a decision to let the anger go.

    Set rules and consequences for future behaviors from this child.
    Discuss them with your husband once your relationship has stabilized again.

    Kids become masters at triangulation once they begin using.

    You and your husband need to stay one step ahead of her.

    What a crummy morning you have had!

  7. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    I made husband sit down and talk today. At first he pulled his usual...i don't know what to do, this is stressing me, leave the kid alone and she'll be fine...yada yada yada. I waited him out...than I had my say...

    I told him I was not leaving...period. I told him this is OUR problem, not just mine. YOU are the father....step up or step out...your choice but I no longer parent alone with another parent in the house going behind my back and over-riding what I say/do...if you want to parent, than it's 100% and not just when the mood strikes you. YOU are this kid's dad not her best friend.

    She will be grounded until she realizes I mean contact with this other girl. Her phone calls will be monitored at all times and she will not go out without an adult at her side.

    I told him it is a big deal....I have seen you through countless episodes of over-use of this drug, several hospital er runs because you were too high...I refuse to stand by and watch another person I care about go down this road. If you cannot or will not support me in this, step involvement means no involvement...period.

    And he listened....hopefully with both ears and a brain working....

    I am coming down hard and fast on this one....where i am finding this new strength is beyond me but I am glad I have it

  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Way To Go!!!! I can only imagine how hard that was. It's amazing how much strength we find when it comes to trying to help our children.

    I hope he chooses to be a father and support you rather than just sitting passively on the side. However, even sitting passively is better than overriding what you say and do. Maybe you can get some family counseling to get everyone on the same page?
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Way To Go!!!
    Warrior mom's fight for their kids. I hope husband steps up and does what his family needs.
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member


    You dunn good!!!
  11. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member



  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Caroleanne -

    I would second what Scent of Cedar had to say - very good advice from her and all -

    As far as your talk with husband - do you really think you had a talk WITH him or AT him? Do you have a gameplan for parenting WITH him or are you once again stepping up and telling everyone how it is going to be? Where was his input in any of this? Where did HE say "Okay I'm on board with OUR decisions."

    True sometimes you have to step up and be the parent, and these kids require us to TAG each other so to speak - but it sounds very one sided and you doing all the work. If he's going to parent, then I would be interested in hearing his side of thoughts - you can't parent your husband, but if you're going to be both parents then you DO have a bigger problem.

    Solving it now will make it better in the long run. Being a warrior MOM is fantastic....and can be better for you if HE is going to be your support and not drag you down with ugly words and decisions on the fly. There is 'some' wisdom to be had in his experience of how you go at a person who is high - give him some floor space and let him tell you why what he's saying is good advice. If it comes out illogical point THAT out to him then and then YOU speak your mind.

    I say this because - I'm am not a big drinker nor have I ever been an alcoholic. I was however a fantastic puker!! My son is 17 and never done drugs or drank. But when we had the "talk" about drinking I went on and on and on about how bad it was and how disappointed I would be and on and on. DF stopped me and said "If you want to drive him to drink and never come home safe that was the best way to do it." I thought "Is HE TOTALLY DAFT? If MY child drinks why I'll...." and tangent be hung. DF explained some things about drinking that I had no clue about. He gave examples of how to handle the situation before it became a situation and IF it did happen here's what he thought we should do. He made sense out of my frustration. I like you would have blasted my kid had he ever called and said "I'm drunk." Not knowing or thinking from the mind of someone who was an alcoholic. Instead we have a plan if it ever happens again and both sides got to point out their feelings and logic. When both parents get to decide on the rules for their children they have a vested interest to uphold the parental law.

    If he's NOT going to participate at all in her upbringing - then pack a bag, take the kids and ask for child support in the form of cash.

    Sorry you have to go through this.

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm proud of you Carolanne. :bravo:
  14. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    He said he would be as supportive as he could be, agreed that groundings and consequences handed out by me would stay in effect, that he "thinks" he understands why I feel like walking and that he thought I was strong enough to deal with it because he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.

    Now last night was the test....Becky's math teacher called....and I asked husband to get on the extension so that he could hear for himself instead of second hand from me with Becky yattering away at me.

    She has failed her math class...because she refuses to be quiet in class. She is the most disruptive student, yells out inappropriately while the teacher is leading a lesson, will not take the exams. And husband got quite an earful from this woman.

    Seems Becky told the teacher dad said it was okay to be rude and nasty to the teacher, that he told her teachers are idiots and not worth their pay....seems she's said quite a bit.

    We thanked her for calling and sat down....together!...and talked and talked and talked...both of us listening this time...yep guilty of not sometimes....and HE came up with the consequences which we both laid down at breakfast this morning..

    Absolutely no computer time at all...if it's needed for school He will sit beside her and make sure that is what it is; no phone calls to or from friends, no extra xmas money which means no movies, fries with friends(he always gave the kids $$ to have fun during their break). Than he told her he loved her. Said he was very disappointed she thought this was the right way to act as a "young adult" and that she needed to pull her marks up as your mom and I already did school. I told her it's her responsibility to approach the teacher, apologize and ask how she could possibly bring her mark up to a bare passing grade.

    A very quiet girl left for school today.....we shall see. ButI am very proud of my husband today....he deserves a tim hortons coffee :coffee: I am not thinking this is a miracle but it's one small battle won today in a huge war I have been fighting alone....I know there will be slipbacks, backoffs, no stands but it's a beginning and I'll take it.

  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good for him, Carolanne...and good for you for holding your ground.

  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, I have to say, I began reading your update with my breath held. I think that you both did very well. It sounds as though your little break from the family did you both some good. Very smart to let husband hear the consequences of his "not being the bad guy".

    I'm sure Ms. difficult child will be having a big pity party for herself at school today. I hope that she is smart enough to at least try to turn it around.

    Way To Go, Warrior mom!
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Carolanne.
    To your husband for getting into the game, and for you for holding your ground and working with your husband to come up with a strategy together.

    (enjoy the Tim Hortons)

  18. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Wow! What a great turnaround. Good going both of you!
  19. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    A United Front can work for all of and husband will be on the same page and not going thru this alone and difficult child will realize no playing off of parents against each other.....GOOD JOB! And good job of teacher to call and give you Her point of view....Hope it sinks into difficult child.....
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well, it takes a big person to admit when she is wrong.

    And I am a BIIIG person.

    I am glad that you took Barbara's advice and sat husband down to talk to him instead of telling him to shove it, like I had suggested. I am blown away and extremely happy for you guys that he took control and is finally seeing the seriousness of all of it.

    I happily stand corrected. Good for you guys!