Please help I'm at my wits end

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Christina Wilson, May 3, 2017.

  1. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    My son is 4 1/2 and his behavior started at 3. We have talked to doctors and changed doctors and they don't want to do anything since he is so young. He goes to head start and that's where most of his behavior problems. The teachers even filled out adhd papers for the Dr. He has left the house while everyone is sleeping trying to drive his dad's truck, he has did this 3 times even with chain locks on the main doors. He has extreme tantrums, sleeps horribly( sleep apnea and tonsils removed now awaiting the new results), lies, deliberately does what I told him no to, so so hyper, impulse control problems, and so much more. Today was my last straw he told his teachers to shut the f up that he was going to kill them all, pushed a teacher down and hit her in the privates. We have him in therapy to we just don't know what to do. Please any advice would be so helpful and I'm sorry this was so long. He is such a sweet, kind, loving little boy but anger consumes him some.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Before you can get help, in my opinion he needs to be evaluated by a neuro psycholigist (this is not a neurologist) or a group od professionals who evaluate children...psychiatrist, psychologist, pediatrician, occupational therapist, physical therapist etc. You can find both at childrens hospitals and university clinics.

    I seriously doubt this is a parenting problem or plain ADHD. I dont believe he can control himself either. He doesnt know how.

    For our son we trusted private professionals for diagnosing over, say, a school psychologist.

    Is this your biological child? Did you havea normal pregnancy and delivery?
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I would also make an appointment at the Children's Hospital with a pediatric neurologist. There have been several parents in the last few months who have posted, with sons age 4 or 5 who display some of the same behaviors as yours. Those boys were also described as loving and sweet.

    There are some very good recommendations in those threads. I would do a search: tantrums, aggressive, anger, hitting,impulse control, etc.

    I can only imagine how hard this is for you. And for him too.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

  5. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    Do we have to have a referral or just set up an appointment? Do they accept medicaid? First Dr said it was my fault that I wasn't disciplining him but that is crock. I had a complicated pregnancy my placenta stopped working and he was delivered at 35 weeks and was gray when he came out but only needed oxygen for 4 hours. He has always been a horrible sleeper he stills wakes up at night and sometimes he won't go back to sleep. I know he wants to be good and he tells me exactly what he did wrong and that he won't do it again but it's like he can't help it.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I do not think he can help it. Both Childrens' Hospitals and University Medical Centers typically accept Medicaid. I know my own son was seen in both settings and he was on Medicaid.
  7. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    Awesome thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction! Do you know what this might be if not adhd? His step brother has psychotic episodes adhd and odd and impulse problems. Could it be genetic?
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Genetic counseling would also be available at a University Medical Center to rule out a genetic component. Consider neurological issues as well which could be ruled out by a pediatric neurologist. Take care.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Instead of guessing, hon, why not leave that to the professionals. His difficult birth may be why he has problems now. But nobody here knows.

    I hope you find your answers. You are on your way!!
  10. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    I feel really bad about this but I think I screwed him up. When he came home he only slept in 1hr intervals, I was doing everything by myself and had a bad case of ppd i didnt know that you were supposed to talk and play with newborns. I would cuddle him and give kisses but he mostly set in his swing or bouncy. I feel so so guilty about this, he was always a serious baby and didn't start coming out of his shell until a yr old. Did I do this to him?
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. Many mothers and children have problematic bonding, including me with my own mother, and my son with his birth mother. Here is a place to call to get more information (I hope.) They may be able to help you find a place nearer to you.

    Self-blame will only make it worse. The thing to do is to start making a plan to get support, information and intervention. The psychologist Selma Fraiberg started this program and wrote a book about infant-parent bonding. You might want to look for it and/or look for information about this program and what they strive to do.

    Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital & Trauma Center
    Infant-Parent Program
    1001 Potrero Avenue, Box 0852
    Building 5, 6B
    San Francisco, CA 94110
    Phone: (415) 206-4444

    PS All of us and each of us "screwed up" and/or fear we did.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, this is not your fault. You could not help ppd. It COULD impact bonding but it is a common problem...Copa covered that well. Meanwhile check to see if he has any childhood disorders. Most can be helped.

    Please dont feel bad. Look foward as on "what can i do" rather than "what did i do wrong?" You did the best you could. We all do.
  13. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    Thanks y'all
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Christina!

    I highly doubt you did anything to cause this.

    It is likely due to the way his brain is wired.

    Concentrate on getting him help, and stop blaming yourself for things you can't control.

    Stay with us, and let us know how you are doing.

  15. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    Thank you I feel so much better now and determined to help him
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Christina. I recommend that you change your screenname to something more private. This forum gets a lot of viewers, and it's important to protect your privacy.

    I seriously doubt that you did anything to cause your son to behave this way. My son has never been what I would call compliant. He is a free thinker and has always refused to do as I asked. The upside to that is that he knows his own mind. The downside is that parenting a kid like that is really tough. Battle after battle after battle.

    I will give an example from my own life. My neighbor has a son 6 months older than mine. We were speaking about our boys who were 3 years old at the time. She was telling me that her living room was off limits to her son. "He has to learn not to touch things." I didn't have that type of kid. My kid was into everything, even stuff he wasn't supposed to get into. I put everything I valued into the attic. Two different kids - two different parenting styles.

    What helped me was a book called The Explosive Child. It helped me to assess my priorities and decide which battles were worth fighting.
  17. Peachykeen

    Peachykeen New Member

    Thank you I'll check out that book
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The book is excellent, I think every parent should read it! I also firmly believe that you did NOT cause this. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!!!!

    I think the docs are idiots for wanting to wait to do anything, because the earlier interventions start for most things, the better things are. I think you need to get into a Children's Hospital ASAP. I would look for a primary care doctor who would refer you to a neuropsychologist and an Occupational Therapist and a psychiatrist at a major Children's Hospital. Given everything with his birth, you also might ask for an autism specialist and a genetic counselor too. They will want to know why. I would give the history of his behavior.

    To start everything, and because it takes time to get in to all the doctors and you want to have info to help them all, you should start writing a Parent Report. You have a VERY complex little boy here. It is going to take a LONG time to figure out what is going on. A Parent Report is a report that you write about your little boy that tells everything you know about him. You can follow the link in the bottom of my signature at the end of this post to find the outline for the PR. Moms who were on this forum years before me came up with the outline and it is amazing. I can honestly say it was one of the most powerful tools that I had when helping my Difficult Child get the help that he needed. He came from the point where we couldn't live with him safely and we thought he was going to murder someone to where he is now a productive member of society and a very loving member of our family. It really helps keep everything organized and at your fingertips and easy to communicate.

    Know that unless a child is truly psychotic, they do NOT rage for no reason. Their reasons are not always those that make sense to an adult, but they have reasons. If you can get past your anger and see their reasons, you truly can learn to avoid or head off many of their outbursts.

    Also know that for many little kids, and especially little boys, lack of regular protein and having too much sugar or simple carbohydrates will often make it hard for them to control themselves. I was often called the 'weird' mom because I always had a car and purse full of snacks and they were not the cookies and fun junk. I had stuff that had protein bars or peanut butter and crackers or whatever I could bring that was more protein than not. I baked cakes from scratch for school parties and snuck protein powder into them (kids never knew and begged for seconds, lol) so that the kids were not just sugared up and too hyper. I freely admit that this was partly because both of my sons got mean when they had too much sugar. If you add more protein to your son's diet, it may help, especially between meals. My youngest went through a period of time where he had tantrums after school. I learned that if I kept protein bars (at least as many grams of protein as carbs in whatever the snack was) in my purse and gave him one just as soon as I picked him up from school, he didn't have that meltdown. That year his class had early lunch and it was 4 1/2 hours from the end of lunch until school was out. It was just about as long as his poor little body could go without fuel without a major malfunction.

    I don't know why this seems to be true more often for boys than girls, but as I have spoken to parents over the years, girls moms don't seem to notice an issue as often as boy's moms do. I could be completely wrong, but that is what I have observed.

    I hope this helps a little.