Please help with Anti-Social Pers. Son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Gatheredtogether, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. Gatheredtogether

    Gatheredtogether New Member

    I'm glad to have found this forum. I am a mom of three sons. My youngest is 22 and has aspd. I really need help, support, and a lot of strength to figure out what to do and how to go about it. Let me start by saying I am a Christian and because of many of my beliefs the lines have become blurred somewhat in our home. When I say this I mean that we all are in agreement that each has a gift/s and using it brings about happiness, health, and fulfillment. These things, I believe, have caused us (I am divorced but live with my oldest son) to make choices that have given my aspd son more leeway than he should have had. I'm sure I would have still been manipulated because he's done so since he was an infant. On to my current situation. I have read many of the stories on the board here and without repeating too much of it I'll keep it short. My son is manipulative, violent, lies, verbally abusive, refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, will not work (he has social anxiety, but can overcome it because I've seen him do so), had trouble doing college academics (this is real...I know his inability to handle stress is genuine) so he concentrated on music which he is wonderful at. It is the only thing that brings him peace.So, as mentioned above, we have encouraged this "gift" because it's great for his self esteem, health, social skills etc. He is in a band and that is a wonderful release for him and gives him the ability to interact with peers with-o feeling stressed. But he refuses to do anything else. He had destroyed two cars that I bought him. He won't get a job to fix the second one and it sits in yard for a year now. I just recently began letting him use my car (again, I felt it the Christian thing to do by meeting someones need). I know this is all faulty thinking. He stays up until 5 am and sleeps until 4 or 5 pm. We've fought over this issue so much I have given up and I have with many, many, many other issues. I AM TIRED!!!!!!!! To make matters more difficult we are having major financial challenges. My ex lost his job and my lifetime alimony is now a mere pittance. I have health issues and although I've tried to work over and over I eventually break down (I am filing for disability). So, in a nutshell. My son won't work, sleeps all day, expects us to provide, car, money, food, clothes, etc because he is so happy in his band. He is disrespectful to his brother who is trying to support all of us...more guilt piled on me for this situation which is of course another story. If I hadn't read some of the other stories I wouldn't feel free to write all this because it sounds like I'm an irresponsible person. I am nothing like that at all. I worked very hard all my life. I homeschooled all my children for 16 all the while trying to find out what was going on with son number three (he has tourette's syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar, sleep disorder, etc). We, my son and I, need to make a change. We can't afford to live like this any longer. The youngest has put so much stress on us, to be honest, I'm not sure what I could accomplish if I weren't under his "authority." Today I decided I will emotionally detach myself from him, which is excruciatingly painful. All this to say I need support in doing this. by the way, my ex is a sociopath which scares the H**l out of me knowing that this is the next step for my son if he isn't helped. We've been to therapists, groups, dr.s more therapists, school therapist..who was sure he wasn't a sociopath. That was two years ago. I made a decision today that he must get a job, even a small non-stressful one, by next week and he can no longer use my car (he is way too reckless). Also, I refuse to give him money from now on when he goes to band practice (which I have no clue how he will get to--this is NJ--ya don't hop a bus all that easily) or when he wants to go out with his band members. So, my small steps are no car, no money, and a job in 7 days. What should I do if he doesn't get a job? He made no effort today to do anything about it--he's still asleep and it's 3:15. Please, please, I need advice. I am so physically & emotionally drained I don't know who I am any longer. I'm sorry this is so long and so scattered. I generally can write much clearer and more in depth but if I told all it would be a book. Thank you in advance. So grateful to have found all of you.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm on the phone and will answer when I get off. I think you should post on Parent Emeritus. This particular forum is one for minor children. The PE forum is for our adult children, sadly some who have antisocial personality disorder. If you go over there and copy/paste post, you will get advice from those of us who have children over 18 who are still giving us grief...and how to help yourself deal with it. Is he on drugs? Does he drink too much? Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? Sounds like he has some autistic traits, but that's no excuse for his abuse of you. There IS no such excuse and you should not tolerate it. It's time to cut off his free ride, including the car and your home, if necessary. in my opinion you have a right to have a peaceful home and he is an adult and it's time for you to show him t he door, without money, and let him decide if that's how he wants to live. Time to learn to detach.

    Hugs...we care. Why not hop on over to Parent Emeritus and read some of our posts over there? Maybe they'll help you.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2013
  3. Gatheredtogether

    Gatheredtogether New Member

    Thanks so much. I re-posted in Parent Emeritus.
    He doesn't have autism, but has other disorders. He had a neuropsychologist which diagnosed him with Tourette's when he was a child. He has mostly anxiety related disorders and major mood disorders. He's not been evaluated for Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) but we're certain he has this disorder. I think I mentioned his father is a sociopath and my son worked with a therapist for 4 years specifically to work on trying to prevent this from developing (if that's possible). I know he smokes pot and drinks occasionally. I'm very in tune with when he has smoked especially. This is horribly difficult, as I'm sure those in this position know. I am terribly attached to him because of his disorders which makes it so difficult. But again, I'm certain other parents become attached as well for the same reasons...they are in need of my attention as babies/children and then they grow up into uncontrollable adults. He was born an never stopped crying from day one. Cried for three years..never slept more than a few mins. at a time. An unconventional dr. finally gave him a minor relaxant because he feared for both of us. It never stopped. It went from one thing to the next. I'm heartbroken, but at the moment I've put my feelings on a shelf until I get through this. Thanks for your advice. I'm so glad to be here and look forward to getting a fresh perspective to this tangled web I've been in for 22 years.