Today was the single lowest day possible for us as a family. difficult child had been doing so well recently that I honestly thought he was a easy child. Job, good grades, good attitude, we had it all. Then he cycled and needed a medication adjust. in the meantime he messed up a dose of another and was missing it for a couple weeks. Since he is compliant and nearing 18 I felt it was time to teach him to self manage. Tonight he flip flopped into a wild eyed monster that I have never seen in him before. I have seen him disassociate and go blank but never quite so badly. I just returned from checking difficult child into a psychiatric unit. The cops came, there was a major incident. husband needed a staple to close a gash in his scalp The baby is fine but witnessed some things she never should and was shrieking in her high chair at the time. difficult child reacted beligerantly to some discipline and "went off". Long story short he was much stronger than he ever was and I know because this isn't the first such incident. In order to get difficult child to stop rapid fire hitting husband I tried to jump in. I eventusally had to literally grab him by his privates and twisted/pinched/pulled as hard as I could, something that would immediately drop a grown man to his knees and he still kept fighting. I then had to start beating him over the head with something to get him to stop. It was that bad and that out of control. We are all licking our wounds but safe now. Not sure our family can remain intact physically or emotionally at this point. Although he is clearly in need of help and he has an illness he was informed that if even a single more outburst occured in front of baby (there have been a few) he would have to go, permanently. DCFS, our version of CPS will get involved again. Our last incident was unfounded so no biggie. I am concerned about what may happen with baby and baby on way in regards to any potential legal entanglements. We may have to consult an attorney, just have to wait and see. I simply could not live without my babies. The idea scares the heck out of me. husband did slap difficult child for being hostile and telling me F you B, among other things. Then difficult child jumped on husband and punched him about 20 times in the face then 20 times in the back of the head. While I realize our response ignited a serious situation it was one of those pivotal moments where we had to control our home again. We have spent 3 years afraid in our home, we avoid parenting him because of the extreme rages, we watch what we say, we have locks on our doors. It felt like that if we didn't stand up finally that he was and had been in control of our lives by using intimidation and emotional abuse. I think we just snapped and had enough. I am in shock and trying to stay in a state of denial. Dealing with all of the emotions all at once is overwhelming. I have never seen difficult child quite like he was tonight. I am deeply saddened by this turn of events. I love hin deeply and I am mourning the loss of my son. There were times I had a glimmer of hope that he may be okay someday. Now I am afraid of the dark side in him. I am scared he will come back some day when I am an old lady, want some answers, want to place blame and then kill me. There is a history of animal cruelty, lack of remorse ect. among 10,000 other things. He is like a psoter child for the criminally insane someday, a real danger to society in the making and I feel like it is a runaway train I can't stop. My Mommy radar is picking up on some very scary things in difficult child. Though he has a beautiful gentle side that I want so much to save there is something so frightening about his superhuman strength tonight coupled with the way his eyes go blank and the kid I know leaves his body for a few minutes. These rages have slowly become worse. I am broken hearted but more than that I am scared. I am scared for what life really has in store for him and I am scared of him. I am a very tough tomboy, former street fighter so when I say I am afraid it has to be a real bad bad dude. We will get 90 day intensive services upon discharge but after that it is junk as usual. I know the family and I need a safe, sane home but I hate to have to place him somewhere. I know he needs it and I will follow through but he has such an odd disconect and feelings of abandonement from the ex that I hate to turn my back on him. I feel like our rejection will be the final nail in the coffin. I'm exhausted, it's so late and been such a long night. Just lost and thank goodness you fine folks are here.