Post difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's been about 6 weeks since I've had any real connection with my daughter other then one email from her a few weeks ago. I have to say, it's odd, it still feels a tad strange to NOT be so involved in her mishaps, but odd or not, my own life is much easier, more comfortable, calmer, freer and peaceful.

    I do have moments, very small segments, where the reality of the situation hits me in my heart and takes my breath away. I think of her and what might have been versus 'what is', and it hurts my heart. My mother's heart has a crack in it and when reminded of her, that crack swells up and takes over, quickly shifting my joyful moment into something jagged and painful. The good news is that I have learned how to push those thoughts aside, with the full knowledge that I cannot do anything else, there is NOTHING to do, I've done it all, and within literally moments, I can get back on my own track.

    I look at that in terms of my brain and neurotransmitters which due to repeated trauma, can literally create new pathways which then become the normal path of thinking. I use to be moving along, cruising by the 'trauma pathway'.... and zoom.... without warning, I'd be flying down that path at warp speed. It was like the slide right into hell. I begin to go down that road now, remember how much suffering it creates, and drive on by. So, little by little, I'm training my brain to continue along the path I'm on, MY path, not endeavoring down the 'trauma path' at all...... and it's working. After a while, that is just automatic behavior, so that's a part of my own journey now, to stop the automatic behavior.

    For me to let go, I had to know I did everything possible to get my difficult child the help she needs. I did that and she may or may not avail herself to that help, I can't control that part. Worrying for me had become a lifestyle and I'm practicing letting go of that as well. My new way of thinking is that when something comes up I can trust myself to be able to handle it, as I always have, so there is no need to continually go over all the 'what ifs' until I have effectively ruined the moment I'm actually living in. It helps to have an SO who is not a worrier who reminds me to let it go when he sees me ruminating about something I have no control over. I continue to get a lot of support through all of this, which I believe is the only way I was able to let go and detach to begin with, with A LOT of help. Detaching from one's child has to be one of the hardest things one can do, I can't think of anything more difficult.

    I am in a very calm and restful place right now which is kind of like a void, an empty space where much distress and angst use to live. It's good. I want to really enjoy it and recognize that life will fill up that empty space with other 'stuff' and I want to relish this and also keep my boundaries clear so that I don't allow any other forms of negative stress I can't control to gain entry into my new found inner sanctuary. I feel protective of that space. I'm creating a real life sanctuary in my home which will be the external space where I can go to write, read, relax, meditate, feel safe and peaceful in my little cocoon. We're moving furniture around this weekend to make that happen. That feels timely and right.

    Long ago, before being a Mom and guardian of my family's mental illnesses came to be my life's work, I was a budding artist, writer, creative person. The responsibilities and remarkable burdens of other people lives and choices have kept me occupied for decades. As I now have time to ponder life from a different angle, one which isn't obscured with the demands of insanity, selfishness, entitlement, child rearing...............all of it.........I am free to be thinking only of me and what I want and need. What an incredibly intoxicating opportunity. I believe I will take advantage of it! :smile:

    I've been reading a lot of posts here lately where other parents are suffering so much with the remarkable pain of trying to detach from their difficult child's. It reminds me often, I am just a breath away from that. I feel so fortunate to have trudged, ever so blindly, through that dark, dense and immensely heartbreaking forest ...........and made it out alive. Perhaps I can serve to be, like others here who are on the other side of detachment, a beacon of light in this can be done, we can get to acceptance and detachment and let go. Sigh. Certainly not what any one of us would choose, or want to do, but when the truth is right in front of us, at some point, we have to look and see it, acknowledge it, accept it and move on.

    I'm grateful to be a part of this board which helped me to navigate through such a dark time in my life. I gain strength in the remarkable journeys of all the parents here who through such pain and suffering, rise to all the occasions and find their own way through. As always, I wish all the parents here peace..... and the comfort to really know that what you are doing, is right.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This very inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing!

    Good post.
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    (((huggs))) I bounce around, but, I know deep down that it is out of my control. Meditation also helps me.
  4. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    RE: I can tell that you are a writer, because your words are so eloquent and thoughtful. You often write things that many of us are also feeling, but we don't even have the words to express ourselves like you do. I am so glad that you are in a calm and peaceful place now. You deserve to have peace in your life after struggling with your difficult child for many years.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with this board. I always enjoy reading your posts. (((HUGS)))
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi recoveringenabler,

    Another here that thinks you write beautifully. And I know you've done alot of soul-searching to find those words. I'm so glad you're at that place of acceptance for "what is". There is peace there.

  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Tired, you describe beautifully just the process i am in right now. I now know i have done everything inpossibly can to help difficult child and now it is up to him. It is helping me to detach....and i also have that crack in my heart and when i start going to the sad place i am starting to tell myself to just stop, because going there is pointless.

    Hooefully that new way of thinking will happen and it will get some extent it already is.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can tell you are a writer too, and a very good one. Signorina just posted a similar thread on the SA forum. Many of us seem to find ourselves at this place right now. It helps to know we have done all we can and we are not in control from here on out. It is also is emensly comforting to have this group of peopel to share our struggles with. I too have found myself in a more peaceful frame of mind lately. I have been able to detach and find joy in my life again and it feels so wonderful....I feel free for the first time in a very long time.

    Thank you RE because you have helped me get to the place I am right now and I wish you continued peace. Take advantage of every wonderful opportunity in front of you.

  8. Payla

    Payla New Member

    As always, your posts are so real and helpful. I got home from vacation and my son was waiting with a crisis I knew he would present: he didnt bring the rental van back in time when his car was repaired. (the car we pay for and had to pay 850.00 copay for repairs.) Yesterday I gave in and gave him $240 for the days not covered by insurance. This morning the story is it is actually $320 and he also went on and on with a list of things he desperately needs money for. I told him these were his problems and went to court and got a restraning order. I am so sad today. You described it well when you said our hearts have a permanent crack. He has not been served yet and my phone is lighting up at work. I covered it so I dont see the calls and I am erasing the voicemails without listening to them. Just a sad and weary day. I have appointment with my therapist tomorrow thank God.