Progress? Met with School and had a call with Demonboys Mother

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MommaMella, Jan 11, 2017.

  1. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Today we met with the School Counsellor, Assistant Principal, Drama Teacher and the School Resource Officer (cop on campus).

    We "narc'd" on our own daughter, her abusive Demonboyfriend and his best friend. We told them everything we knew about the drugs/alcohol, physical and mental abuse Demonboy is inflicting on daughter and how the counselor we met with on Monday felt strongly that daughter is not safe in her relationship with Demonboy. We needed them to know so they can help us keep her safe.

    Things that concerned me:

    The Drama Teacher eluded to the fact that she knew Demonboy had a drug issue 2 years ago and this was not her first go around with him.

    The School Counselor did not seem at all surprised by what we had to say.

    The Assistant Principal at first was somewhat defensive of Demonboy because she is "working closely with that family on other issues" ...HUH?! (*later tonight daughter told husband that Demonboy is at risk of not graduating and so we think this was what she meant...)

    The School Resource Officer said he didn't even know who Demonboy or the best friend were. *Uhm, they are senior students, in the school you where are working, with known drug issues...WTF?

    BUT all in all, by the end of the meeting after full disclosure of everything we knew, everyone present seemed willing and committed to helping us in whatever capacity they could. We will hold them to that.

    We picked daughter up from school and she was LIVID. Word had spread of our visit and she was told that Demonboys bestfriend was called into the office and accused of dealing drugs (*something we never insinuated nor was it discussed at the meeting. Only drug use was spoken of - not drug dealing because we have no evidence of such.) I think the bestfriend exaggerated what was said to him to make himself look cooler. It seems to me that teens nowadays are in a bizarre competition with each other to see who can be the most screwed up kid...the more problems you have the better... biggest loser wins? Boggles my mind.

    Anyway, daughter was just awful on the ride home - hate spewing...but as awful as it was, it seemed oddly fake in a way...like she was trying HARD to be mad. husband said what struck him was a lot of what she was spouting off to us seemed almost verbatim lines from a movie he saw her watching the other day. After the hate rant, daughter casually came in the house, toasted her afterschool bagel snack and sat at the island reading her kids cookbook. The daughter that cant stand this house...that hates us, hates it here. The rest of the night she spoke very little to husband but allowed him to come in her room and sit on her bed to talk for a bit. He said she wasnt spewing hate anymore - not overly nice either but just seemed worried that her friends were going to get in trouble over this. She completely refused to speak with me this evening of course (I am enemy #1 - I accept that) but she was hovering a bit, lurking and lingering around where I was from time to time... even came downstairs to eat dinner (we sat at table and she stayed at island) and later played video games with little sibs while I was in the same room - none of which is particularly normal of her on a good day. She let husband hug her goodnight when he checked on her. Didnt hug back but didnt pull away. Am I crazy to feel like she seems relieved in a way ...because I think that this child is silently telling us that she actually wants - no - needs us to get her out of this mess with Demonboy because she simply doesn't know how to do it herself.

    Also, this evening we also had the first contact with Demonboy's mother. The Assistant Principal arranged for mom to call us as she felt mom would want to know what was going on. husband actually took the call while I distracted the kids. He has a better chance of remaining level headed and calm anyway in these situations whereas I just start crying and then my thoughts are not communicated clearly. husband said Mom seemed very clueless and completely overwhelmed as she is also working through her sons issues from her perspective. He said she cried just like I would have. She said she had no clue about the alcohol/drugs but she has been dealing with his depression and anxiety for some time now. (Again, how does the school know for 2 years but mom does not know??) She would like us both to talk in person with her and also to include her sons "intervention specialist". husband said he thought we would be ok with that. I guess the Assistant Principal had told mom that we had already or would be filing charges against Demonboy (Something the Resource Officer suggested to us) because she asked husband if he would let her know what we were planning to do in that regard. husband said we had not taken that action as of this moment but to please be aware that our only concern is for the safety and wellbeing of our daughter and we will do whatever it takes to ensure she is safe.

    Another scary, crazy, bittersweet day, that dare I say, feels like a baby step in the right direction.

    Thanks for reading and for your support. <3
     
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  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am surprised that the school officials would even admit things about another student! All the privacy laws... Our school would let me name names, but they wouldn't confirm anything at all. Like once, my Difficult Child was caught skipping out during lunch break, and then coming back very late. Since she doesn't drive, i knew she was with others. School wouldn't confirm it...but I named names, anyway. I think it helped them as who to keep an eye on.

    The only time they named a student was when a teen, (my child's DemonBoyfriend) who was not a student there (dropped out) was sneaking into the school to see my Difficult Child. He was notified of criminal trespass and that they would have him arrested if he did it again. Then, he just started waiting on the street and Difficult Child would leave...

    Oh, I feel for you. I have been struggling with the same issues since freshman year, and now she is a junior...

    Hang in there. Ksm
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Depends on the school. My younger two went to a very small school in a nice village. The superintendant and teachers told us much stuff about other kids, which did surprise me, but they did. To my knowledge they have never been in trouble for this, although I suppose it could happen.

    This greatly helped us navigate problems with our daughter. Now she didn't HAVE big probloems, but, really, even the small ones that involved another student...we would be given the insight to guide our daughter past it.

    Now the big school my oldest daughter went to gave us nothing, wouldn't even help us when we begged for them to let us know if they suspected drug use or that she walked out the door after attendance, etc. They were too big to pay attention to one kid who did not qualify for an IEP, but was just one of many who were given her parents grief. After that year, we homeschooled her and moved so that much younger kids (Sonic and Jumper) would go to the smaller school. It was a night a nd day difference. The small school knew all the kids and cared about all of them. Even the info we were given, which maybe should not have been, were given us with a great deal of caring and understanding. Of course, the teachers and super were our neighbors and friends that we ran into at the stores and had barbecues with so that made a difference. I much preferred the latter.
     
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh MM, I think you and hubs did SUCH an outstanding job! I certainly do NOT think you are crazy, I think you are absolutely correct about her being relieved that you are taking on Demonboy and the mess in his wake. Well done!
     
  5. Percy

    Percy Member

    New to the site, not facing the same issues you are, but read your post and must comment that it seems like you did ABSOLUTELY THE BEST AND RIGHT THING. It sounds like you were the advocate your daughter needed, and handled the conversation with Demonboy's mom excellently - listening, not accusing, but being clear on your goals and boundaries. You have my admiration. Good for you, and good luck moving forward.
     
  6. MommaMella

    MommaMella New Member

    Thank you. Today the Assistant Principal and Resource Office were supposed to have met with daughter. Principal said she would call us and let us know how it went but did not. Have no idea if they met. husband just went to pick up daughter from play rehearsal - where Demonboy is a part of the show. Drama Teacher should have spoken with daughter (and demonboy I presume) today as well and also separated the two of them as best as she could. I hope Drama Teacher is the resource she said she would be but Im not 100% sure I can count on her just yet. She shared that she just lost her younger sister to a heroine overdose a few weeks ago. I can't even imagine.

    I know Demonboy is feeling scared so maybe he'll leave daughter alone all on his own. He's a loser but he isnt that tough. Both his instagram accounts are suddenly wiped clean because he knows I have access to daughter's phone now and that we are serious. That's a sign of real fear for a teen, lol.

    Next step if this all doesn't work is pulling her from that school system. It would be a shame but we will do it in a heartbeat. Told husband next step after that should we need one is moving far away... husband lost his job due to down sizing in October and we have coincedently been looking for a position in another part of the country where weve always wanted to move. daughter is oddly very onboard with the move we had been discussing - again I think she deep down wants to be done with this guy.

    So husband is getting her now and running an errand with her. Told him to shoot me a text on how bad her mood is so I can put on the Kevlar vest if needed. Just got the text "Not Good"

    Wish us luck!
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You and hubby are doing a great job. I think your daughter is over her head and knows it, but doesn't know how to get out of it. It sure sounds like she is spewing hate because she is somehow supposed to, but doesn't really feel it. I find that sad, and think she will find her way back to you. Especially because this change was so recent.

    Yyour hubby is amazing at handling everything, especially the other mom. Hopefully the Drama Teacher will be a good resource, but who knows with such a recent tragedy if she will be capable of doing that.

    (((((hugs)))))