difficult child has been awful to me over the last few years, downright awful. He has kicked me when I am down, drained me when I had very little to give and just been generally icky. Then once in awhile my hormones or maternal instincts or complete insanity overcome me and I feel bad. I sometimes get mad and am not as patient as I should be. I have said and done my share of not so nice things. Sometimes I feel sorry for my difficult child. Sometimes I wish I could not feel anger so I could be more understanding of his needs. I feel like I am failimg him because my emotions have been so fried. That still isn't a good excuse. I am the adult and he is the difficult child. I feel awful for the times I have lost my temper with him, the times I may have added to his problems and struggles. I don't deserve to get treated like dirt but he didn't deserve such a life altering disorder either. When other kids his age are doing normal stuff he just lags behind. It's just sad. Today he had a hard day at school. It was mostly his own fault, okay probably completely his fault. He was mature enough to tell us about it and have a conversation rather than just sulk in silence. He trusted us to share his feelings. Then I had to tell him about some things he has been messing up with at home. He needs a lot of cues and reminders. He also still has those pesky behaviors even if they are shrinking. After a bad day at school he basically walked into a sort of bad day at home that he pretty much left for himself. He had a talking to coming. Was it life or death stuff, no not really but if we let it slide too much we are back to major outbursts. I feel sad for difficult child. In spite of all his nasty actions in the past he leads a very hard life. I don't think he chooses to be difficult or unhappy, it just happens. His disorder seems to have turned his life into a runaway train. He sees it coming but just can't seem to get things right. difficult child doesn't socialize much. He has a few pals at school but zero friends outside of school. He must be so lonely, it's just hard to witness. On top of that he has a terrible self esteem and thinks he is so much less than the great guy he can be. He is depressed and doesn't find joy like most his age can. On top of that school and home went bad today. I just feel sad for him because he must be hurting. His world is so small without friends. All he has is school and home so if those go bad it must be like his whole life is messed up. I know deep down when he isn't in a rage that he is a sensitive kid. I just hate to see him go to bed, walking quietly with his eyes on the ground. I hate to see him end one day and start the next with nothing to feel good about. I know that his actions have natural consequences. I know he can be a terror. Sometimes in the midst of all of that I just wish I could ease his suffering. I wish I could help him feel happiness. Tomorrow he will probably make me angry again and I will feel distant from him because I have to detach. Right now though, after seeing my little man seem so defeated in life it really just breaks my heart.