Pulling at my darned heartstrings

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Farmwife, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    difficult child has been awful to me over the last few years, downright awful. He has kicked me when I am down, drained me when I had very little to give and just been generally icky.

    Then once in awhile my hormones or maternal instincts or complete insanity overcome me and I feel bad. I sometimes get mad and am not as patient as I should be. I have said and done my share of not so nice things. Sometimes I feel sorry for my difficult child. Sometimes I wish I could not feel anger so I could be more understanding of his needs. I feel like I am failimg him because my emotions have been so fried. That still isn't a good excuse. I am the adult and he is the difficult child. I feel awful for the times I have lost my temper with him, the times I may have added to his problems and struggles.

    I don't deserve to get treated like dirt but he didn't deserve such a life altering disorder either. When other kids his age are doing normal stuff he just lags behind. It's just sad.

    Today he had a hard day at school. It was mostly his own fault, okay probably completely his fault. He was mature enough to tell us about it and have a conversation rather than just sulk in silence. He trusted us to share his feelings.

    Then I had to tell him about some things he has been messing up with at home. He needs a lot of cues and reminders. He also still has those pesky behaviors even if they are shrinking. After a bad day at school he basically walked into a sort of bad day at home that he pretty much left for himself. He had a talking to coming. Was it life or death stuff, no not really but if we let it slide too much we are back to major outbursts.

    I feel sad for difficult child. In spite of all his nasty actions in the past he leads a very hard life. I don't think he chooses to be difficult or unhappy, it just happens. His disorder seems to have turned his life into a runaway train. He sees it coming but just can't seem to get things right.

    difficult child doesn't socialize much. He has a few pals at school but zero friends outside of school. He must be so lonely, it's just hard to witness. On top of that he has a terrible self esteem and thinks he is so much less than the great guy he can be. He is depressed and doesn't find joy like most his age can. On top of that school and home went bad today.

    I just feel sad for him because he must be hurting. His world is so small without friends. All he has is school and home so if those go bad it must be like his whole life is messed up. I know deep down when he isn't in a rage that he is a sensitive kid. I just hate to see him go to bed, walking quietly with his eyes on the ground. I hate to see him end one day and start the next with nothing to feel good about.

    I know that his actions have natural consequences. I know he can be a terror. Sometimes in the midst of all of that I just wish I could ease his suffering. I wish I could help him feel happiness.

    Tomorrow he will probably make me angry again and I will feel distant from him because I have to detach. Right now though, after seeing my little man seem so defeated in life it really just breaks my heart. :whiteflag:
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It is hard to see them feeling bad like that. I know how you feel about it, I've been there with my difficult child's with my heart breaking for them because of all the things they just don't do and cannot do.

    Tomorrow is a clean slate, though, and a chance for both of you to find something good to be happy about. He's going to need your help, though, to shore up his self esteem and resiliency. Is there anything he can become involved in that he would enjoy doing and do well? Doesn't have to be school oriented. Just needs to be something he likes to do and can take pride in.

    In my difficult child 1's case, we encouraged him to play an instrument. He likes it, but won't practice. I'm not going to push because he needs to want to do this for himself. So far, he still enjoys playing, but getting up early three days a week is getting harder, and now he's more interested in lacrosse. But whether it's music or sports, this is an activity he chose, that is his passion. It really gives him something to look forward to when everything else in his life sucks. (And he's actually getting some social benefit now with the sports team, so that's a bonus).

    I hope tomorrow you two can start over on a better foot.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. My son has Aspergers and when he is upset he actually CAN'T open up. He truly doesn't know how so I have to help him by asking him questions. He also doesn't have friends at home, although he has them at school and has a very flat affect. I have learned that Asperger's kids often have no expression and that doesn't mean they are depressed (perhaps your son has a touch of Aspergers?) My son doesn't seem to want company very often...I make sure he goes to certain activities and he usually likes it once he's there. He will never be a social butterfly, but I don't really think he is lonely. He actually comes home and needs a "time out" from people.

    It could be that your difficult child doesn't have t he same need to socialize that you do. As for his life being hard, life is VERY hard for our differently wired kids. If his treatment isn't helping him, perhaps you could use a second opinion on how to handle his care.

    (((Hugs))) and I hope things get better for you kiddo.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your post makes me so very sad.

    Thats exactly how my life was until I ended up in the druggy group at school. Well I wasnt a behavior problem at school but I had zero friends anywhere. People picked on me and I was miserable. I was always in trouble at home too and I never knew why. I was so afraid to walk in the door when I got home from school.

    Have you ever considered 4H? My boys loved that? It was really good for them. Even Cory did well in it.