Another thread made me think of a question I have pondered sometimes. I'm going to transport a another poster's post into a new thread, if that's o.k... My son's behaviors have ALWAYS been worse at home than at school. His teachers have no clue what we are dealing with here. I've been told it's because a school day has much more structure to it than does his time spent at home. Plus, he doesn't want the other kids to see him throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown, which would mark him for teasing or bullying, so he holds it all together and falls apart in my doorway. It seems like sometimes kids can hold it together when they know there will be negative consequences (like teasing and bullying from the other kids). But then I also read that these kids can't help the way that they behave (I know that's a broad statement and may depend upon the diagnosis, but I've seen it written about many varieties of troubled children). So sometimes they do control their behavior, and other times they don't or can't. How much is "don't" rather than "can't?" Like, if some of these kids who can't keep it together at home lived in boarding schools where there was always the threat of teasing and bullying, would they always hold it together? I wonder about this because sometimes I wonder whether when we give them the space to act out, it allows them to, and that's not always a good thing. Like, when I was growing up I think I COULDN'T have acted out as badly as some of our difficult child's, because the consequences from my family would have been too severe. Does our tolerance for their issues sometimes enable their issues? Thoughts?