Thanks Echolette. For so many years I thought we were in a small group of parents that have to deal with all this "stuff" from our kids. Ok..guess that is one way to look at it...
Seeing my son put himself in this way of life....homless, living in shelters, sometimes panhandling...when he was in a situation that he had a job, shared a condo with two others and had our full support...we were even willing to help with food and rent if money got tight. To basically say screw it all and screw you to us...so hurts the heart.
What I don't understand is what happened in their minds to think that this is a good way to be?
sorry you had to find us, but welcome to you. I think you will find support and respite here.
Please tell us a bit about your son, age, history, current issues. If you think you will be here for a while (and many of us are, since our kids' issues and their impact on us don't go away), fill out your signature a little more to help us identify you on different threads. My son is also homeless, living under a bridge in fact, and has been for two years. He is only about 1/2 mile away from me. He doen't want to live with me, or with his dad. We did all we could to support him...therapy, rehab, therapeutic boarding school, wilderness treatment centers, psychiatric hospitalizations, even went to visit him when he was living with Occupy Wall Street for several months (before he got hospitalized at Bellevue for 6 weeks.). He is, as your son, also a panhandler...I sometimes pass him on my way to work.
So yes, we can understand where you are coming from. Yes it hurts the heart. Yes it is hard or even impossible to understand.
Others will come along and comment, but please tell us more if you feel like it.
My son's chosen that way of life too. He's opted out of society. He can't handle conforming to anything or to anyone else's ideas of how he should live. I've accepted it. I still love him and have some contact with him. The hardest thing is to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for him as he was growing up. He was capable of so much. But his idea of a successful happy life is not the same as mine. Is your son well? Is he coping with the difficulties he faces? Homelessness and surviving from day to day can't be easy. I think it takes up a lot of my son's time and energy. I hope you post some more about your son and how you are coping. I find this site very helpful.
Hi Carol, welcome. Hugs to you as you deal with your son and the pain of his decisions and choices. Like Echo suggested, I hope you will share more of your backstory and his backstory with us.
My son is 24.5 years old---will be 25 in July---and is back in jail. For the 8th or 9th time. He is facing prison this time. He continues to do the same things over and over again with increasing frequency. This has been going on in extremis for about four years, a dull roar of same but much less serious before that time since 7th grade.
He doesn't like rules. He doesn't like responsibility. And he takes drugs. Those seem to be the foundational issues.
We've done it all, and nothing worked or helped. We've said it all, and it has fallen on deaf ears.
Finally, four years ago, I ran as fast as I could to Al-Anon and started working on myself, so I could stop enabling, detach with love and find acceptance of what is. I am working on all of those states of mind---still---and will likely do so for the rest of my life.
Regardless of what he does or does not do.
Hugs and prayers and blessings to you today. Do something nice for yourself today. You are just as important as he is.
Carol, welcome. As you can see, there are many of us who share a similar story.
You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.
If your son is suffering from a mental illness, contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, can be very helpful. You can find them online and they have chapters everywhere. They have excellent resources for us parents.
You may also find some solace in Families Anonymous, many of our members find comfort there.
12 step groups help as well.
This is a treacherous path we find ourselves on. As much support for YOU as you can muster will help you to find your way back to your own life and allow you to feel peace and joy in the midst of this hurricane. Many of us find good therapists who are familiar with learning how to detach from our adult troubled kids.
I've found that it is important to take the focus off of our kids and begin to place it back on ourselves. Doing kind and nurturing things for ourselves every single day is very, very important. Most of us forget how to take care of US.
I wish you peace and the best of luck. I know you will make it and find a better place for you.
We shared a message before and recently I spoke with my son to set ground rules for us to have conversations over the phone, I also for the first time as embarrassed of him that I usually am (because he is dirty and smelly or unshaven) looked past it,
I accepted him for who he is and not for who I want him to be finally after 19 years. I also told him i love him with all my heart and I promise to stop being so controlling by trying to fix what I think is his problems, That he was smart enough to run his own life and left it at that.
Granted like you and I said to each other we always have endless issues with our difficult child's.
I think this (site) was the place that I need to make me feel "ok" in my heart to let go of him. To see others have gone through this heartache and roller coaster. Reflecting back, I always wanted to be a good parent and would just beat myself up saying what am I doing wrong. Well I am done with that, try it . Now I do still have pains of guilt and grief don't get me wrong but I feel a weight lifted.
I am saying to myself and invite you to say it too. it is not my fault! He is who he is and I need to deal with it. You know he hasn't called me since and my phone has been peaceful. I am ok with peaceful.
Stop driving by where he is staying and spending every moment worrying, because he has all of America to live at. Why does he chose to "live" 1/2 mile from home. Ask yourself that. Mother's Day is coming and I decided to give myself a present. Nails, hair and full body massage.
Do something good for you and take this time to reconnect with your significant other. I am always here and if you figure out how to set up a signature let me know LoL.
By the way I type on my iPhone that has autocorrect and it does not auto correct well. I meant to say I stopped driving by where he was staying and worrying. But I have not learned how to edit my posts on here yet,