Question

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Coralchet1, Aug 22, 2017.

  1. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    who protects us as parents dealing with such abuse and cruelty. You know, I read replies on a Facebook group I'm on where people blame the parents for what kids are doing and how disrespectful they are to others. I often want to reply back " if you only knew the half of it" so many people say they would do this, or that and how if their kids Ever did something like that they'd get it.
    I find people will talk like that, because they have no idea! I've had a cop holding my son stating if you were my kid I'd beat you! Yeah, really, I asked so are you giving me permission? He said oh, no you can't, but that's just what I'd do!
    I am beyond angry today, because I'm forced to feel the emotions that come with having a suck child, I'm forced to see that there is No help for me to parent my kid other than kicking him out? Seriously, is that all Doctors, and cops can advise me to do? They say, there's no help for him unless he wants the help, so here I am enabling.
    If I kick him out and buy a new door and change the locks is going to get help? Or end up dead somewhere?
    I hate this life. I want a new one and I want the fathers help, because there is a father out there who is just as abusive and maybe the two would get along fine living together..two peas in a pod...but that man is not willing...after 15 yrs of leaving him - he still laughs and says, oh, the grass isn't greener on the other side is it...that sick basted, I'm not calling about us! I'm calling about our son...their both crazy and I'm feeling like the insane one...

    Fml
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh how I feel your pain. I am right there with you. I am learning I have to protect myself and my sanity. My son is not going to change unless he wants to change. The detachment is and has been a slow progression for us because of fear and guilt. Each time it gets a little tougher on him and easier on us. We only hold him from his bottom. If he doest experience bottom he will never change. Some never do and some even die. I would rather he die of his own decision, than overdose and die under my care. As Culturana said to me. It's pretty hard to die out there. There are a lot of resources and these addicts are pretty resourceful.
    Hang in there.
     
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  3. How did I get here

    How did I get here New Member

    I feel your pain. Why does it seem like we (as the parent that stayed with the child) gets the butt of it all; when the one that's not around gets more respect then we do?
    Most cops hate dealing with juveniles. The laws protect the kids so much and there are only so many things that they can legally do to the kids.
    To the parents that respond to your group on Facebook that don't get it. Ask them 1) do they have children? 2) if they do, are they positive their children are perfect? 3) Do they want the opportunity to raise ours?
    Many of the most horrific criminals around came from good homes and perfect parents.
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    People online say the most horrible, rude things because they are not face to face with their audience. They would not ever say most of that to you face to face. Why? Because their own kids are horrible and they know it. Plus half the time they know they are the parents who just yammer at the kids and NEVER get up and make the kid do what they tell them to do. The other half the time they think they are the best parents ever and really they are the worst.

    Ignore parents on facebook unless you know them. I have found mostly people on facebook just pile on and are rude. Of course I have yet to figure out the purpose of facebook, so don't take me as any sort of an authority. But don't use those people as any sort of authority. They are just random people yammering at you because they don't want to face their own kids.

    As far as help for you, there isn't much. You can get help from a domestic violence center because it is domestic violence. I will warn you that many DV centers won't know what to do. Parents abusing children, spouses abusing each other, those they know what to do with. Children abusing parents? That confuses them. Mine figured out a program to help me, but they had to consult with the university here to come up with it. Other centers might not know how. It is worth asking.

    As for people saying they would beat the kid if it was their kid. So what? If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Reality is that beating our kids accomplishes absolutely nothing except making them worse. So go ahead, let these people beat difficult kids. But only if they are going to live with them and keep them out of any society I am going to live in. There is a LOT of research that shows it just makes kids more violent. I think our difficult kids are violent enough, don't you?

    As for how to help our kids? Pretty much the best we can do is allow them to live with the consequences of their choices. Not enable them as much as we can handle, while recognizing that it is okay to give some help if it will give our hurting hearts a small bit of ease.

    I am so sorry that there isn't a magic fix to recommend. This entire situation just stinks, and all those facebook people sure don't help any with their suggestions and their 'perfect' kids.
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree with everyone above.

    The best thing I have done for myself is finding this forum and knowing I'm not alone and learning some tips and tricks along the way.

    Also seeing a therapist has helped me so I can TALK about what is going on just so I can NOT make the other people in my life have to hear the same story over and over and have them feel helpless because they feel just awful and can't really help me.

    I am trying so very hard not to let this define me as a person. I also do not want it to define my son but right now it does for me.

    It can be a lonely road when no one seems to understand what you are going through so don't let that happen.

    We understand!
     
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  6. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Love this, Thank you
     
  7. Coralchet1

    Coralchet1 Member

    Thank you
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Get off that site. What a bunch of clueless back seat drivers.
     
  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Yes get off that Facebook site. I know what you mean however. When going through this I have had supposed friends tell me that problem children are a result of problem parents. This from someone who has never had a child. I dropped her as friend immediately. In fact I re-evaluated a lot of my life, and the folks who were in it and have dropped those that added nothing but toxicity including distancing myself from some family members who didn't get it.

    You do need to have your own advocate and that is getting a therapist who can help you navigate through this horrific maze. Also I embarked on a number of other programs like meditation, spiritual retreats...things that helped me re connect with myself and get me stronger. Often we feel so punched out by this horribleness we let ourselves go which is the worst thing we can do. .

    On this site we all get it. And thanks to some amazing counsel from people like SWOT, Copa, SusieStar, Leafy , Tanya just to name a few and many others, we can learn and add tools to our tool boxes to help us. I am so thankful for each and every one of you and your collective wisdom.

    And it does help that we are all journeying this together. That in itself just helps me feel stronger. Hugs!!!!
     
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