Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Junniper65, Jul 14, 2007.
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.
They don't get it, they never will. Do your best to let it roll off your back. Sometimes it is annoying to listen to that. Sometimes it is very hurtful. But it is out of ignorance. They just DO NOT understand.
Keep coming back here for hugs and assurance. We do understand.
It's easiy to critisize someone else's parenting, you don't have to deal with the consequences. That is to say if they offer you bad advice, or make you think what you're doing is wrong they don't have to deal with the results.
I work hard at not telling my daughters how to parent. It's not always easy because they each have their own style and what they wish to instill in their kids. Just like I did.
I've also learned not to judge other people's parenting. What works for one child may not work for another.
Sorry your having to deal with it. Families can be rough with that sort of thing.
So exactly why are you vacationing with family members who treat you that way? Doesn't sound like much fun... if they can't be supportive or understanding they should shut their yaps in my humble opinion. I'm done with discussing issues with husband's family for similar reasons.
My difficult child 2 didn't do so well on Adderall either. Same explosive problems that you describe. Had better success with Concerta, but even that didn't last...
Sorry you are having to listen to that from your sisters. I try to let things roll off my shoulders but it's not really an easy thing to do at times.
Sounds like your sister was trying to be funny.
Whenever I've found people trying to be funny (in ways that are clearly designed to either embarrass me, or make me feel insignificant) I throw it back at them, with a smile.
"So YOU'RE the parent from heck" would have me replying, "I could be the SISTER from there, too, if you keep that up!"
But deliver it with a smile, because OF COURSE you're joking.
Or maybe, "Gee, sis, thanks for the show of unity there, from another adult. I really appreciate it, it helps so much!"
The trouble is, family members are much more casual about how they treat each other because we've all got into the habit of taking each other for granted.
We've got a family reunion coming up in a couple of months. I told easy child tonight - she was underwhelmed, to say the least. Because I'm the youngest by seven years of a big family, my kids are also the youngest of THEIR generation. I mean, easy child's 25 and my oldest nephew is forty next year, with about 8 kids of his own. Just as I was treated as a baby of no consequence by my siblings, easy child would get ignored by her cousins, or talked down to. Lately she's got on very well with a number of her cousins, but easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been feeling resentful, especially when invitations go out for a family function and she's either not invited when the others are, or no account is considered as to whether she has a boyfriend who might like to come also, when other cousins are bringing THEIR boyfriend/girlfriend.
I also have to admit, there are some members of my family I don't get on with that well. I mean, we don't hate each other, I just have nothing in common with them, nothing we can chat about. And even one sister I generally get on well with NOW, was really mean to me when I was a kid. I mean, REALLY nasty. She was a classic difficult child in the days before a lot of these medical conditions were diagnosed. She also had a lot of emotional problems which she took out on me.
At my father's funeral, the whole extended family stayed in the regional city for several days, camped out in various family homes in the area. This sister at one point took easy child aside (although still within hearing of a lot of people, including me) to commiserate with her about the trials of having a younger sister (and I am her only younger sister). Here was my sister, supposedly a reasoning adult, justifying to my young teenage daughter that torturing your little sister is not only acceptable, it's what you have to do, to relieve your frustrations. Because little sisters are such a pain in the neck, what else can you do?
None of this was actually aimed at me, I don't think she realised I could hear, but from what I understand, my sister has to keep telling herself this or accept that she really was beastly to me and I deserve an apology. The way she tells it, her way of coping is not only acceptable, it's expected.
Good old easy child, she nodded and smiled at her aunty as if in agreement, but was inwardly seething. She came to me afterwards and said, "Does she realise just how much she gives away about herself, when she says things like that? Surely she doesn't really believe it? I mean, easy child 2/difficult child 2 can be a real pest sometimes, but I'd never do those things to her!"
There are good times with family too. My family still tend to treat me as the baby, needing guidance, but like easy child I nod and smile then tot it all up in my head for my next book.
I agree with-Marguerite... maybe a little light sarcasm would be in order.
They are probably not going to change so all you can do is change your own attitude and blow them off.
PS Vacations are supposed to be *fun*.
Well, you should holiday in Europe!! We all shout at our kids in public in England, and in Spain, they shout when they're just having a conversation!! I'm a permanent wheelchair user, so I have to shout a lot just to get them to come to me - your sister'd love me!! Families can be a pain - when you know a kind word could just melt your heart, they come out with something weird. I hope it gets better - I just use humour on my mother in law when she says something judgemental - it confuses the hell out of her but it makes me feel a lot better!
I can totally relate. My siblings are much older than me. We are having "family week" at our family cottage in three weeks. I will deal with all of this. Especially from the teachers in the family, who think they know how to deal with everyone's kids.
Why do I go 200 miles away to deal with this? Because, it is the only family difficult child has. His cousins will be there (all married and have own children, except one) difficult child will play with the younger kids. Loves his aunts and uncles, all the babies. The one nephew I have is only 2, and lives in California. We only get to see him this week. That brother is close in age to me and we do get along well. It is on the water with a beach, jet ski's, bomb fires, fireworks. difficult child loves it. My mom is in a nursing home there and we will visit. Never know when the last visit will be. We'll take difficult child to do other activities he loves to do in the city earlier in the week. I will hear all these comments, difficult child won't hear them. So, I need to let him enjoy his family it means a lot to him. We have no TV, video games or computers there, so I will not be able to even Vent.
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