Really Bad day

[Liahona]

Warning Big Whine

I've been up since 3 am. easy child 2 got up then. I thought laying down with her would help her go back to sleep. Nope, she fought me for 3 hours. I went back to sleep about 6 am to have nightmares. Soon after I got up to make pancakes with chocolate chips because the kids love them and difficult child 1 left today for an extended visit with X.

X is dating again. Which makes sense of the last few e-mails I've gotten from him. They have basically been trying to get me to say that he isn't abusive and trying to emotionally blackmail me. Last Fri. difficult child 1 told case manager something about X getting angry with him but I wasn't in the room to hear exactly what it was.

husband has stopped looking for jobs since mother in law left. He uses anything as an excuse to not look. I'm having a bad day so he doesn't go look for job. Funny thing is my days get worse and worse the less he does. I feel like I've been hit in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me. My heart also pounds. His job ends January 24th. The leads for jobs that he had didn't work out. Just had to put a new battery in one van and the other van won't start. It needs a new starter and that will be a few hundred dollars. We don't have enough to pay bills right now. Kids are getting Christmas from other people buying them presents.

I'm using an open network for the internet.

husband has insomnia and is always tired. Another reason he doesn't look for a job. He is getting kicked out of the house tomorrow to go look for jobs. I'm not going to let him use me as an excuse for not job hunting.

Sorry this is a bit rambling.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs, Lia. Went through similar stuff with Miss KT's father (one of the main reasons we're divorced!) and it's amazing the toll it takes on you. Add in everything else you have going on, and it's no wonder you're stressed out.

 

[InsaneCdn]

husband has insomnia and is always tired.

This isn't going to solve anything but... any chance there's some depression in the mix?
Of course, no chance he'll talk to a doctor, right?

Don't present it as "depression" or any other "mental health" thing... tell him you're concerned about his SLEEP issues and he needs to get to a doctor for that...

 

[Liahona]

He is very anti-medications and anti-doctor. He won't even take pain medications for his migraines until I bug him about it. I just barely applied for insurance for us too. In a few weeks maybe I can start pestering him to go to doctor for his sleep issues, but I don't think he'll actually go. (We won't have the money for the medications or co-pays either.) He has very bad sleep apnea as well. If I'm awake while he sleeps I can listen to him stop breathing. Yes, he has depression. So do I. He has the same attitude toward tdocs. Once in a blue moon he'll agree to go but when it comes right down to getting out the door he'll have every excuse under the sun.

The migraines he acknowledges now. The rest he completely denies.

Maybe I should remember he has so much on his plate and not be so hard on him.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sleep problems trump EVERYTHING else, medical or mental health, in my books.
No matter what other problems you have, they are either made worse by, or caused by, sleep problems.
No point in trying to solve the other stuff until sleep gets dealt with...

Of course, money - or rather the lack of money - is the ultimate trump card.
I know - we're "there", too.

 

[buddy]

I think it is wonderful to be understanding and encouraging to him, remembering his full plate. However, that is a two way street. You are partners and he needs to either be the at home worker or go out worker. If he refuses to get healthy then he is putting too much on his own plate. Those things you dont need to feel sorry for. Just mho. I know that under it you love him and he is a good guy. but he is human like all of us and needs to get through this. Losing a job is one of the most difficult things, especially for a man who considers it his job to support the family. It can paralyze people emotionally, but he doesn't have a choice of not getting help or just finding a job and you are right to push him out to look for one.

I am sorry for your anxiety. I know the bill pay situation and the sadness about the Christmas, and had to accept help too. It feels awful. hugs to you all, love Dee

 

[Steely]

I think it is wonderful to be understanding and encouraging to him, remembering his full plate. However, that is a two way street. You are partners and he needs to either be the at home worker or go out worker. If he refuses to get healthy then he is putting too much on his own plate. Those things you dont need to feel sorry for.

I agree with Buddy. I know how hard it is to be in his position, as I have been there -- but there should be a sense of urgency for money that trumps the denial. Have you proposed to him that he could be the stay at home Dad as a job and you go out and pursue a career? I know many successful career women who have done that.

More than anything - I am sorry you are having a bad day. And difficult child 1 having a long visit I know only makes things even worse.

 

[Star*]

Li -

It would be very easy for me to sit here and say "Well gosh tell him to blah blah blah and then you - do do do." Truth is, the year and a half I was unemployed? I had my medications for depression hiked up, and I didn't sleep, my heart raced, what little I did sleep? My mind had racing thoughts mostly about how I could make money or try to make money or try to keep us afloat, and the racing thoughts made me so tired, that when I did come to a state of consciousness; all I could do was get up, try to find something to eat - that I felt guilty for eating, and sit depressed - then fall asleep to get rid of the depression. It was one of the most vicious cycles.
It didn't help that my DF is disabled, and getting worse, and got more depressed watching me get depressed. lol - sounds like an even worse circle. But I worried about him and there he was worrying about me - which was making him feel worse because there wasn't anything he could do and that made him feel less than. Make sense?
So....at some point and I don't even know how - I sat down with him and said my peace about the sleep, the restlessness, the naps, the depression - and my worries. I told him I needed him to know that I was scared - because lets face it - in todays economy even the jobs at Subway are being snatched up by 4 year college graduates - and I was in competition with people 1/2 my age willing to work for minimum wage in a two earner household. At least they had two incomes. PRobably parents that could help out - if it got really bad. We had /have no one.

So in laying our cards on the table - we brainstormed, and I started going to the unemployment office, and checked out the Job connection at the Goodwill. I also got on line registration with the unemployment office and checked for jobs daily and did job fairs. I went through the unemployement office's WIA program and got a new career. I got my CDL license class A - now I'm a trucker. I went on, studied and got my hazmat and tankers endorsement, and now I'm studying for doubles and triples. Unfortunately - I can't go over the road - but I did find a job locally - and I do drive. The pay is not like a trucker pay that does go over the road - BUT....It is keeping the roof over our heads.

In the mean time - we went through the house, did flea markets- yard sales and sold a LOT of stuff we could live without - and started couponing madly. Freecycle, too. Hit the Goodwills - and some times even the foodbanks.

Not ideal - but manageable. When it was critical? We found programs to help with electric, and other utilities that are paid through the government. THey are out there - you have to find them in your area. We got our taxes done for free - and somehow - it works out.

The depression? Yeah - it's prevalent. I don't think anyone who has worked looks at staying at home as a vacation and goes OH BOY another day at home sleeping and not doing anything. BUT if it gets to that point? You should probably make some plans to have a talk. Not a yell-fest - but an adult conversation.

If there is anything YOU can do in the mean time? Babysit, draw, paint.bake, iron......tutor..to take in extra money - try it. If it doesn't work? stop it.

Give it a date in YOUR mind that you think there should be progress and if there isn't? THEN have a plan B for yourself. Just know that times are really tough out there and a lot of what I'm seeing is male pride.....I won't take a job at McDonalds......I won't take a job here - I won't take a job there.

The other thing I see - is that a lot of these people are better OFF on unemployement - between that and foodstamps - they're better off than getting a minimum wage job - and who can blame them?

Check WIA - Voc. rehab- and Goodwill job connection - they have training programs too. Also if he desires - He can always call Schneider Trucking and go to school, get a license - and be an OTR trucker =pay back the loan a little at a time - and be earning money in no time.....as little as three months.

Huigs

 

[buddy]

LIa, is your license current? Can you pay for a short call iicense and sub as needed...since he is home anyway it could bring in some income... Just a thought since you have built in daycare...

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))) been there done that and yes, it svcked out the fanny.

Send him to Mommy's house to look for a job. Seriously. She may not have been of help to you there, but at least it seems when he was around her he was actively looking, so perhaps sending him over there to look (and for her to nag him to look lol ) will help.

 

[DammitJanet]

Can he do construction? Most places will train at least laborers at least a few dollars above minimum wage. You can move up fairly quickly too if you have even a modicum of smarts. If you can read and use a tape measure, you are good to go. Most laborers are only going to be sweeping and carrying at first anyway...tapes and cutting are are graduating up.