Really? It was too much to ask?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Dec 30, 2008.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    ***I need to VENT!!!!***

    When she lived at home, Kanga had her belts taken away from her because she used them as a weapon. Her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) didn't allow belts. Kanga has claimed since September that her current school requires belts. We explained to her then and every time that she has brought it up since that she needs to provide us a copy of the dress code saying they are required. She has not done so. The night before our last visit, I reminded her to get the written dress code. She did not. Found out that she didn't care because she had bought 2 belts during a hygiene shopping trip. We took the belts away. She got mad, tried to manipulate staff(the house director) and was told they would call me to discuss it, Kanga ignored them and bought another belt (a different staff person took the girls shopping than had told her no). So, they dropped her level and took the belt away.

    But, the house director called me with the therapist and they want me to let her have the belts. I explained that we told Kanga that if the belts were truly required by the school to get us a written copy of the dress code and if it said that belts were required, then she could have her belts. She told staff that we told her that we needed a phone call from the principal. Staff feels that Kanga was confused and didn't understand what we wanted her to do. That is such malarkey. She knew what she had to do, she complained that it was too hard to remember to ask for a copy of the dress code.

    She said Kanga thinks that I am a control freak so I need to give in so that Kanga doesn't think that. Too be 100% honest, I don't care if Kanga thinks I am a control freak. Because I AM THE PARENT and I DO control her access to many, many things. I'm not trying to be her friend, I am trying to teach her that if you threaten me or attempt to manipulate me, it won't work. Way to go Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on undercutting that.

    The house director said she thought I should have called the school and asked if belts were required. Why? I didn't want her to have a belt, if it was something she wanted, she needed to do the work. Apparently, it was too much to ask that my 14 year old to show me a copy of the dress code. (This is the same house director that wanted me to tell Kanga she couldn't wear make-up and got frustrated when I told her that wasn't one of my lines in the sand and if she wanted Kanga to stop wearing make-up, I'd support her but it needed to be an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) rule because I wasn't fighting that battle since Kanga had been appropriate with her minimal makeup at home).

    The therapist and house director are suppose to explain to Kanga that she "misunderstood" what she needed to do and they are going to help her find the page in her school notebook that has the dress code so that she can show me when I visit her this weekend. And then I'm suppose to go all warm and fuzzy that she finally did this and give her all of her belts.

    The house director kept going on and on about "repairing your relationship with your daughter". I finally asked her if she truly understood that Kanga was there because she tried to -- and still wants to -- kill her brother. That my relationship with her is really irrelevant to her return home (as far as what is necessary for her to safely live here).

    The house director was also mad because she didn't feel that I was giving Kanga enough "congrats" for not being violent in 6 months at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Honestly, it both infuriates and saddens me that she has been non-violent at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It infuriates me because she obviously has control of her actions but choose to try and hurt/kill us. It infuriates me because she has told me that she doesn't hit anyone at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because no one is smaller than her and there are too many staff who can restrain her. She says that her brothers and sister are smaller than her and she can hurt them when she wants. She says she doesn't care if I have to restrain her. She said -- just last week -- that if she got mad at her little brother she would get a gun and shoot him. It saddens me because I feel that there is something broke inside her to make her this calculatingly cruel. And it frightens me that the goal remains return home...
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You would think, of all the people in this world, that the staff at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) where a violent child was placed, would get it.

    I am so sorry.

    Glad you stuck to your guns, tho, with no belts. She needs to know she can't push you and get away with it. Even if she did "understand", no harm done in making her go back and do it right.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    They are clueless and out of line at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Sheesh! I'd be venting, too. She has to learn that she cannot manipulate (and she clearly has staff there wrapped around her little finger since they're buying into this behavior).

    Does her therapist/psychiatrist know about the statements she's made to you?
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I was waffling about the belt until I read the part where she said, last wk, that if she was mad at her brother, she'd get a gun and shoot him. Some very distorted thought processes there. And remaining anger issues.
    I would make an appointment (by phone?) to go over her file and history with-the therapist/psychiatrist to make sure you are all on the same page.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Stand your ground. She is successfully manipulating the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff big time. She is playing the, "poor me! Mom won't listen! I promise to be good!" card and they are falling for it.

    Staff need to grow up and make her accountable for all of her actions. O.k., mom told you to find a copy of the dress code, you better do it! Working against you does her no good.

    I would also think that if belts were required and you were withholding them, the facility would have contacted you by now.

    So, makeup is not allowed - is that because it can not become a weapon?

    Can you request a visit with her counselor? The house director may be more of a head medical nurse and doesn't have a clue as to what Kanga is going through here. Many nurses don't want to be bothered to read charts or talk to the doctors. The house director may be out of line even addressing this if the doctors have not been notified as to the best way of handling it. See, the doctor will probably side with you meaning Kanga will continue to be a PITA to the house director. Easier for the house director to get you to comply than to quiet Kanga.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    And they are the professionals??? That is sad.
  7. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I hate the responsibility ball being thrown back in the parents court. I'm sorry, they're way out of line with what they want you to do. K seems capable enough to do what you've asked. It wasn't a hard request either. So at what point of time is the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) going to put the responsibility of her own behavior on HER?
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    You are in the right and it makes me sad that they aren't supporting you. I guess if anything good can be said it is that she is doing well there and the staff appear to care about her. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this. Love, ML
  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. I agree with Adrianne, stand your ground!!! It is absolute craziness that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff are so easily manipulated. They, of all people should be more than used to these kinds of kids and their antics. But "the professionals" know best - jeesh!!! How on earth could they even agree to give her a belt given her history? What next, are they going to take her for target practice too??? I swear we all should get together and open our own Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we could do a far better job then these so called "prfessionals"!!!

    Hang in there. :)
  10. I agree with everyone else, stand your ground! You are right. If the belt WAS a requirement, I would think that someone from the school would have contacted you to say that your child needed a belt.

    Kanga is manipulating big time and they the "professionals" are not seeing. it.


  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I have already lost the belt battle. It is a requirement for school. Staff checked (course she denies telling me that she didn't think it was back in Sept). They claim that because she had a belt for 2 months (having been sneaky and bought it and staff not remembering she wasn't suppose to have it) and she wasn't violent with it, that they refuse to treat her as if she would be if it was given back to her. (Gotta love the logic there).

    The house director keeps repeating how sweet and wonderful she thinks Kanga is. Course, she then confirms that when mad, Kanga gets very disrespectful. And she is clearly manipulative. She has repeatedly said that she feels we need to call and visit Kanga more often. I told her she was nuts (in much more professional language). Even when we visited for Christmas, Kanga was done with us about 10 minutes after she finished opening her presents. Why would I want to spend 5 hours in a car to spend 45 minutes with her and be told to leave???? As far as phone calls go, how much self-centered babble and demands to be given things do we need to listen to? When she is appropriate on the phone (which does happen), we 'reward' her by calling her the next day even when it isn't on the phone schedule. We make a point of telling her that because she was so appropriate on the phone the day before that we enjoyed talking to her and wanted to do so again. Course, she rarely can be appropriate two phone calls in a row.

    This lady is so conned by Kanga but she writes part of the report that keeps our funding, so I have to play her game. She has a very strong personality and I fear she can put pressure on the therapist (whom I like but is very young compared to the house director) to slant her report.

  12. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Your daughter sounds a lot like mine. When my daughter was in and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she was the same way. We would drive 3 hours to see her only for her to ask us to leave after she got what we brought her. Every phone call was about what she needed, her demands, her complaints, her, her, her!!! To this day everything is always about her.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear, how frustrating.
    Well, let's hope that nothing else happens besides the belt.
    And if and when she comes home, you'll have to set your own rules and explain to her that your rules are not always the same as everyone else's.