Really scared

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Our 28yo adopted son, J, is really scaring me. To summarize again, he lives in Denver. He is most likely Bipolar, although we don't know for sure. He has been very hostile and malicious in his texts to us for almost a year and refuses to seek help. He has been especially angry at us because we refused to co-sign a loan for a car.
    This morning, after three weeks of not contacting him, I sent him a text. He texted back, saying he got kicked off of a construction site the other day. He said that he thought about how he could get her gun and kill her. He thought about how he would love to cut her throat, have sex with her dead body or while she was choking to death, etc. etc.
    I am so scared for him. I texted him and said, "Do you not see how sick that is, to have those kinds of thoughts? Please, please get some help, either there or here. We will help you get some help."

    This is a new low for him, and I am really frightened that he will do something violent. We don't know where he is in Denver. He has not responded to the texts I sent just now. Other than pray, I don't know what to do.

    Has anyone else dealt with this sort of violent remarks?
  2. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I just re-read my post--my son was making these remarks about a policewoman who came to the construction site when he was kicked off, just to clarify.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would have called 911. I dont deal with suicidal or homicidal threats. The professionals can do it. What if he does something to her and you did nothing to get him the proper help? I thiink you need to do this for her and also for him. It is a gift for him to stop him. Perhaps the police can locate him by his text message. He did not yet break the law. He would probably be taken to a hospital.

    Let professionals decide how serious he is. Dont try to do it yourself. Even if he lives far away please take action for everyones sake. We never know for sure if they are just blowing off steam. One irrational moment can put them in prison for life and end someones life. I am sorry.

    Love and prayers.
  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I agree this is something to be taken very seriously. He needs help. I think there is a difference between normal blowing off steam - e.g. oh I’m so mad I could kill her! - and making specific, graphic threats.

    Hugs to you - this is hard stuff.
  5. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I have no idea of where he lives. He won't give us an address so I wouldn't be able to direct the police to him. It's been an hour and I still have no response from him. I am continuing to plead with him to let us help him.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I would call your local police and show them the text. This is hard, he is your son, but this is real. I believe his whereabouts can be traced by the cellphone. You are a witness through these texts to threats against a police officer. It is tough, but may be a way for him to get the help he needs before he acts. I am sorry Beta.
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  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Agree. You cant just hope he doesnt mean it. If he messes that way with a cop there is no way to help him or to turn back. In this case you can save him by turning him in. And yes you are already a witness. Please contact the police before he does something neither of you can take back. You are not equipped to help him in this. You can stop him. You must even if you think YOU can stop him if he calls you. You cant. Save him from himself. Go to the police.
  8. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    First I don't think anyone else's experience is relevant to what you should do. No one else can know if your son is serious or only wanting to scare you. You need to decide that.

    There is one thing you said that jumps out at me. Aggression is one thing. Rape is a form of aggression. But raping a dead body goes past that into something else. If he's never been obsessed with dead bodies I'd wonder if this isn't more about shocking and upsetting you. But again, you need to judge how seriously you take this.

    If it were my son I'd be very confident that he's serious before I'd call the police. First, you don't know where he is. So this will go into their records and they will forever be looking for him about this. Your son may have this fleeting thought but they will forever be treating him as if he is an imminent threat. The question then is how do cops treat someone who threatens to shoot and kill them? Think we all know the answer.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2018
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I never had experience with this, true. My difficult kid never talked this way. But he threatened suicide and I called 911. Not the same thing I know.

    My youngest is in law enforcement. People threaten cops a lot to their faces. Unless they do it or try nothing terrible happens. Most likely your son would be taken for help, which he desperately needs. That is so not normal to talk that way even in despair.

    Most cops go into the dangerous profession to help. You hear about the bad ones on the news. They are not most. Most never shoot anyone or even come close. If your son pulls a gun they will hope he doesnt shoot. They wont shoot just because they heard another threat. Your son needs a hospital or maybe he will pull that gun one day. On somebody. There us no way you can know if he had a breakdown and is serious. Nobody thinks their family member would ever kill anyone. If it happens, and it does, I am sure the loved ones have many thiughts of how they may have stopped it.

    Of course nobody can tell you what to do but in my opinion only (and everyone is different) I would want to help by reporting that my child is having dangerous thoughts of killing. You dont need to be specific .Your son needs a hospital.

    To tell you how I deal with stuff, I turned my daughter in at age 16 for drugs. Eventually she quit. At age 20. I felt I needed to act, not just talk.

    Again this is just my own input. I wish you luck. You certainly have much thinking to do and we will support any decision you make. Promise!
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2018
  10. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    I can't imagine what you're going through but I would absolutely report this to the local police. What if he follows through with violence? That said online you know if you think it's a real possibility or if he's just blowing off steam. So sorry for your situation
  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My son is bipolar plus other and he made similar threats when on cocaine.No dead bodies though. He is going to trial for it even though it was during the process of involuntary hospitalization. I believe that the cocaine in his system combined with his bipolar caused a psychotic break. He did not carry through with them but until they got him calmed down it was scary. They had to put him in a medically induced coma to get him under control. He has been better since but one never knows. If your son is having a psychotic break he needs treatment for his sake. The consruction supervisor probably has an address or the police. You could be preemptive and provide him with a lawyer during the process so his rights are protected.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    The way I look at it is that I would take this threat seriously.

    Even if he is NOT serious you know he is sick and needs help. I would not want my son telling me these things irregardless. That is no way to talk to your mother. It's very disturbing.

    I think that he would be able to be forced into getting help. And that is not a bad thing.

    Hugs and prayers. How dreadful.
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I know I'm late to this, but I also believe the police should be contacted. They may be able to figure out what female officer kicked a man off a construction site on the day in question, and can at least warn her, even if they cannot locate him. Police make reports about everything.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Beta,
    I'm just now seeing your post. I agree with what others have said in regards to contacting the police. They may be able to track him by his cell phone number. You can also give his full name and a description or better yet, a picture.
    I learned a long time ago to take threats very seriously. When my son still lived at home he told me how much he hated me and wished I was dead and that he could do it while I was sleeping. We put a lock on our bedroom door and I reported it to the police. It was not long after that when a judge ordered him into a group home for our safety.
    My son is 36 now and was released from prison a few weeks ago after serving almost 2 years. He was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon, a knife.
    I understand your fear. You have no control over what your son does but you do have control over whether you report him to the police. I will never hesitate to report my son if needed.

    I'm so sorry for what you are feeling and going through. This is really tough stuff. Please make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing.
  15. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Beta, thinking of you. I hope you came to a decision that feels right for you and your son. This is a terrible position to be put in. Hugs to you.
  16. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    Beta, I’m so sorry. Only you know if he goes overboard and says (types) things he doesn’t mean. Regardless he sounds like he needs to be hospitalized against his will. I would be afraid of calling the police but I would not hesitate to call the Colorado crises hot line if I were you. They might be able to determine where he is from his cell phone. They can call him and can send a mobile crises unit to him to talk to him to determine his mental state. My son was hospitalized this way one time.
  17. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Beta, I assume your crisis has passed. I didn't want to say this to you at the time. But I'm saying it to others now.

    I don't know Deni. But I suspect that we share an experience. In my area a threat of violence against the police brings out the SWAT team. That's about 8 guys with rapid fire rifles aimed at your child's chest. If they determine that he doesn't have a weapon then a different about 5 guys with stun guns jump him and stun him into submission while those guns are still aimed at him. How many times can they stun him till his heart stops? The one time I witnessed my son was high on mushrooms. They hit him 8 times with stun guns cause he kept fighting even though they had him handcuffed and were sitting on him. Stats say not to use the stun more than 2 or 3 times. My kid is alive despite them.

    You have to witness this to understand why Deni and I suggest a lot of thought before a knee jerk reaction to call the cops. Not saying I wouldn't do it. But I would have to 200% believe my son imminently means to kill someone and even son's life is at risk. Yes, can you live with yourself if a cop gets killed? And can you live with yourself if its your child who gets killed because of your call?

    Sorry but all of you who jump to call the cops haven't lived my reality.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2018
  18. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Just to clarify... My son wasn't threatening to kill anyone. He had no weapons. Its std police response to perceived danger. Someone felt threatened. My kid was behaving erratically and was obviously very high. He wouldn't/ couldn't do what cops told him to do.
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    That sounds scary. I am sorry you had that experience.

    None of my kids or any I know of ever had this happen with Swat team. Maybe I would be afraid if it had happened

    My own experiences have been firmness but basically kindness to my daughter when she took drugs. I dont believe the Swat team is the norm. Maybe in some cities where there is high crime perhaps it happens more often. I dont know. I do think that if somebody is acting out dangerously it may be necessary but again my kids did not get into serious legal trouble so I cant say how I would react. None ever acted out in a way that others may have been scared. To be honest, if I saw somebody doing that I may have called the police myself...I would have had no way of knowing that the erratic person wasnt dangerous to myself and others. But again I am not sure....I never saw it.

    As for the poster's situations I would still advise calling the cops to keep my child from killing somebody else, spending his entire life in prison, or to get the psychiatric help that this young man needs.

    Thankfully, although most of us have kids who once broke the law the Swat team has not been talked about often. I assume few experience them.

    Sometimes there are no good options. If this young man kills somebody, his life is over. Over. Thats my fear for him and the person he threatened. Often wayward adults put themselves in danger by acting out dangerously themselves. Its hard for the families of all involved.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2018
  20. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I don't live in a high crime area. Quite the opposite. Wealthy areas ( in my case a medium size town) have lots of services and our well funded police dept has all kinds of services and expertises. There are however a disproportionate number of mentally ill and developmentally disabled because of all the local services. The SWAT team gets called to a lot of incidents with mentally ill who are perceived to be threatening someone. I've never heard of them shooting. Certainly there aren't "shoot outs" here. But watching them point all those guns at your child's chest and stun him far more times than was necessary or reasonable is terrifying. I would not put my child in that situation, unless I knew he had a weapon and a plan. No different than a suicide threat. I need to hear a plan and it needs to be credible and imminent.