Relief at finding a site like this, does my situation fit?

[susiestar]

Very very few people have to deal with a child this damaged and realize how they are manipulated and deceived and harmed by the child. The luckiest of the kids this damaged have parents who insist on doing whatever can be done rather than denying the problem, covering it up or just ignoring it. It is esp bad when it is one sibling damaging other siblings because they all get ignored or told they are not seeing what is happening.

I have had MANY people think I am nuts if they hear things that Wiz has done. Of course now it is years past, for the most part, but back when he was doing those things? MANY people told husband and I that we caused him to act like that by abusing him. We didn't, and the tdocs/psychiatrists who spent any time at all with him and with us were able to see that. but the other parents? Only ONE family that didn't have a child who is disturbed was sympathetic and supportive. They have known me for decades and our daus are the same age. The other parents and even family members on both sides were all sure that we did something because 'kids don't act like that unless' x, y, z or a million other reasons.

You are not nuts or evil. You just are dealing with a badly damaged child and you are not refusing to see it.

Your kids, and this child, will be better off if you limit contact wth this boy to the absolute and total minimum.

I am not sure I would put this man's name on the birth certificate if I could support him with-o financial support of the father. Mostly to protect the child, not to punish the father. Yes, dads are important, but sometimes no parent is better than a blind parent. If he cannot admit things now, how wll he admit them once he has allowed his son to hurt this baby?

I know that many won't agree iwth even thinking of not putting the man's name on the birth certificate. That is okay. I don't know if I would actually follow through or not, but I do know I would think long and hard about it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi and thanks for those ideas. I've searched them all on the internet. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't seem right as he's really one for being the centre of attention, with everyone, everywhere and at anyone elses expense. He will be very physical and huggy with people but it's pretty much on his terms in order to achieve something which looks like good behaviour/affection/apology but it usually immediately precedes another of his issues.
I'm no sure Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) are quite right but I'm still reading up on that one.

Other posters are writing from direct experience with extreme cases.
My experience with attachment issues was a relatively mild case - and THAT was very scary.
Some of these kids are probably closer to sociopath or psychopath.

But... you're not intending to parent this child.
It doesn't really matter what his issues are.
You need to protect all of your other children - permanently.
Especially the baby... who probably needs visitation with dad limited to "supervised only".

 

[JJJ]

Hi and thanks for those ideas. I've searched them all on the internet. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't seem right as he's really one for being the centre of attention, with everyone, everywhere and at anyone elses expense. He will be very physical and huggy with people but it's pretty much on his terms in order to achieve something which looks like good behaviour/affection/apology but it usually immediately precedes another of his issues.
I'm no sure Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) are quite right but I'm still reading up on that one.

Sounds like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to me, or an emerging personality disorder but he is WAY to young for that diagnosis to even be seriously considered.

 

[JJJ]

Just a suggestion....do not allow dad to sign the Acknowledgement of Paternity at the hospital. Try to negotiate a visitation plan where he comes to your house -- without his other children -- to visit the baby during the first year or so and well as a fair child support amount (google the name of your state + "child support calculator" to find out what the state would order and offer him a slightly lower amount).

Then if he ever wants to be allowed to take your mutual baby for a visit, he will have to go to court and have a judge first order paternity (insist on DNA testing, it buys time) and then fight hard (preferrably with an attorney) to have dad's visitation restricted to times when his other children are not there.


If Dad is as wimpy as you say, he may never want to fight the court battle. You can keep your baby safe but still allow him/her to get to know dad under your supervision.


I would put your daughters in therapy and committ to never allowing them to be near his children again. As others have said, he has likely hurt them far more than you know at this point but showing them that their safety matters and that you will refuse to allow him to do it anymore is very healing. It took my kids years to recover from what Kanga did to them, and while there will always be 'scars', they are doing very well now.

 

[buddy]

Hi and thanks for those ideas. I've searched them all on the internet. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't seem right as he's really one for being the centre of attention, with everyone, everywhere and at anyone elses expense. He will be very physical and huggy with people but it's pretty much on his terms in order to achieve something which looks like good behaviour/affection/apology but it usually immediately precedes another of his issues.
I'm no sure Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) are quite right but I'm still reading up on that one.

Sounds like Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to me, or an emerging personality disorder but he is WAY to young for that diagnosis to even be seriously considered.

They don't need to have all of the symptoms of a disorder to have it and it is on a mild to severe spectrum. Plus if he has both Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or fasd plus attachment disorder then the impulsiveness and lack of judgement can mix things. My son does have insecure attachment and he has a brain injury and autism. Some symptoms overlap and some conflict with traditional definitions. But if a child has had inconsistent parenting with their needs not being reliably met from birth to three years then there is a chance of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and if after that time there still can be serious anger and trust issues.

It doesn't really matter from your perspective, since you have no power to help him get treatment anyway. You just need to know the threat is real and you sound like you have your head on straight even through a difficult situation.

I'm really sorry. Your baby is a blessing but the timing is tough I'm sure. He or she is lucky to have a mom who can put her head above her heart to protect all of the kids. I hope things are as peaceful as can be as you negotiate through this baby's life.

 

[TerryJ2]

Interesting idea, JJJ, about not having the dad sign the paternity papers. I wouldn't have thought of that.

 

[DDD]

I promise I won't continue to beat a dead horse, lol, but even though you are seeking peaceful coexistence with your baby's father please keep a notebook and write down abnormal behaviors, when they occured and how you happened to know about them (second hand, observed, etc). Just keep a little private notebook with-o sharing the info with anyone else. I hope it is never needed but dated notes over a period of time are acceptable in most Courtrooms and much preferred to verbal recountings of concerns. It will be like a little insurance policy for your childrens safety.
Hugs and good luck. DDD

 

[Appleseed]

Another wealth of replies, thankyou.
I should clarify that I live in England so we have slightly different systems and services, and I haven't found a forum like this one registered in the Uk.
Anyway, from what I can glean our Social Services covers similar services to your CPS (but SS covers ALL vulnerable people in society here).

I will make a note of the issues we've encountered, I'm sure it can't hurt to have it written somewhere but I'd guess that even my posts here would be submissable.

Our legislation in the UK about paternity is possibly different, we have to register the birth within 6 weeks and there is an obligation to declare the father (where known) and I gather it can be made rather difficult for anyone who refuses to name the father.

I'm half tempted to post him a link to this thread, to show him that maybe I'm not the evil woman he perceives me as for identifying these behaviours and refusing contact. However, I doubt anything useful would come of it and I've mentioned words from the godfather which the father doesn't know about. It isn't for me to stir up that trouble so I've maintaind the confidence until now and I should continue to do so except in the oblique term written here.

I'd agree validation has been useful. I hope that my being uncertain and seeking it out is the right thing to do and I really am glad that so many of you can perceive the 'head in the sand' routine and the guilt trip/blame issues/arguments that sound like they might be the norm for such situations.

Hopefully it's all onward and upward from here!

 

[buddy]

That does help. We have a few other UK members here as well as other countries. I'm glad you found us though. I think it is so hard for people who have not loved and lived with such extreme disorders as are here, to really get it. I wish you well and really do hope you pop in when your little one comes along to update us. Many of the responders here have supported eachother for quite some time and at just over a year I am a relative newbie. People will remember you. They really do give their hearts in response to someone truly in need.
Many hugs, DeeW

 

[Appleseed]

I think I had an epiphany. I had a thought and went off searching Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in adults. I think it describes my 'partner' so incredibly well. There's only a couple of bits which don't fit.
It would obviously have an effect on the son so I'm guessing his is a more secondary manifestation but directly connected with the father.
I found it here: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/attachment-disorder-in-adults.html

 

[InsaneCdn]

There are, I believe, some MI dxes that would also potentially fit - like sociopath.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) isn't genetic, but some of the MI dxes are...
Which might explain why some of what you see in your child could be genetically from the father.

Having said that... even if your son has those tendencies? How he is raised can make a huge difference on the outcome.

 

[Appleseed]

Hi again, I'm back, as promised, to tell you about the birth of my baby. He arrived after a collossally long 3 day labour and he's now 2 weeks old. He's terribly cute of course. His Dad has really upped his game and is personally undergoing therapy with a specialist in Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), although he refers to it as something ever so slightly more generic around childhood related issues which have leached into adult life. His older son is no different, he's seen the baby once, under close supervision and drew all attention to himself instead. As expected. I wanted to thank you all again for your replies. It really helped keep me sane knowing I'm not just the wicked stepmother.

 

[HaoZi]

Hi there, hope you're taking care of you! Glad your man has gotten some help, hope he's helping you out, too.

 

[rejectedmom]

Congratulations on your new little fellow! I do not hang out inGeneral Parenting much so missed you when you first posted. Glad the baby's father is getting some counsiling. It might actually help him get his head out of the sand in terms of the older son. -RM

 

[buddy]

Congratulations! Good job to daddy too for taking those steps. Wow, 3day labor? Torture! Good thing you got a prize at the end, (((big grin))).

 

[TerryJ2]

THREE day labor! Yeaouch! so sorry! But glad that you have a beautiful baby.
And I'm also glad that bio Dad is in therapy.
Thank you so much for checking back. It is greatly appreciated.
We are always here if you need us in the future.

 

[Sheila]

Ditto TerrJ2

 

[InsaneCdn]

Don't let those other moms over-react to that 3-day labour. been there done that. It's amazing what we can survive. <grin>
Enjoy your baby...