Reminder about self care

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Dec 5, 2018.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    We are in the midst of the holiday season. For some, this is a time of great joy and for others it's a time of anxiety and stress. Even for those that find joy at this time of year stress can still creep in.
    Just a reminder that self care is so important to all of us no matter where you find yourself, in the middle of chaos or joy.

    Here is a very good article on self care. Wishing you all good health and happiness.
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Because of how devastating these situations are to parents, I have wondered if sometimes the parents aren't tempted to drink, smoke the pot they find in their kifs' rooms, or take the benzos their kids are addicted to.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think this is a very real possibility and why self care is vital. When we are truly taking care of ourselves emotionally and physically, we are much better equipped to deal with whatever life throws our way.
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I make plans for the holidays and if my daughter comes, great. If not, that's fine too. I always plan a time to have Christmas with my granddaughter, just she and I. In the past I tried to work things out to include my daughter and ended up frustrated with her unwillingness to commit to a simple get together. Or if I had expectations of her attending I would end up disappointed. This way I make plans for what I want to do and it doesn't matter if she's available or not. Do things to make yourself happy, everyone!
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  5. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I gave up on holiday expectations. My focus is on giving myself something that makes me happy, something that makes my youngest happy and having a quiet, peaceful day. That means a roast chicken or turkey with just a couple of our favorite trimmings for food. And if there should be a couple of chocolate bars in the house.... if my older two show up in some way they get what's here, no more big dinners getting cold, expensive gifts when they show up with something they spent $5 on on the way over, etc. Adjusted my expectations and I'm a lot happier.
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  6. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Couldn’t agree more. It drives my mom nuts not to know whether by C and S are showing or not but I’ve learned to learn live with it. I always say mom there’s a 25% chance both will show, a 50% chance we’ll have one or the other, and a 25% chance neither will show. Put out a couple plates and if they sit empty they sit empty. I don’t go chasing after them any more. If it’s important to them they’ll make an effort. If it’s not ...i enjoy the holiday with other people who love me.
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  7. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    My definition of success with limited expectations:

    Youngest turned 24 yesterday. He's autistic and the sweetest kid on earth. Makes me smile every day. His older bros another story. His bd list was an older video game system and some games for it.

    Oldest in prison. Called youngest first thing in the am to wish him happy birthday. Plus side remembered. Could do more but ok remembered. Count as success.

    To get success for youngest I created a challenge for the middle one. Had youngest tell bro I couldn't afford the controller for new system for his bd. Implication then that If bro doesnt get it and bring it on time rest of bd gift ruined. Challenge set. Youngest in his excitement been contracting bro daily. Night before bro calls me and asks if he can show up after he gets off work at 9:30 pm. Hmmm. Ok I say. no comment from me about missing dinner and bd cake. Adjust expectation. Background: never acceptable to just show up at my house after 9 pm without prior permission ( my rules based on prior unacceptable behavior). Success in remembering prior incidents. Morning of bd I'm annoyed about after 9:30 pm and call bro to ask why cant do it at 2:00 and did he buy controller. He'll think and get back to me. Reduce expectation again. 1:30 call from youngest that he bumped into bro in town and they're going to hang out. Bro gets on phone and asks if I have batteries!

    Success: Bro spent an hour with youngest, took him to his place, and gave him controller with batteries taken from bros roommate. What I think should happen? No. Forget family dinner and bd cake. Forget spending time playing new game with bro. Did bro plan this? No. Lucky bumped into each other in town. Youngest happy!

    Success: youngest's office took him to lunch at his choice of restaurant (restaurant has dog in name). Probably last time they give him his choice. LOL. Youngest texted me picture of candy bar at 9 am. With lots of smiley faces cause someone at work gave him a $1 candy bar!

    Moral: not the family bd I would have wanted for my youngest filled with childish joy. But I expect little and got little. Normal expectations thwarted in past. This year save myself the heartache. Youngest happy. I'm the one who suffers and reduced my suffering. Success?
  8. Shelwith1L

    Shelwith1L New Member

    The holidays are going to be difficult for me this year. I haven't heard from my son in weeks. Not knowing his whereabouts, not knowing if he's dead or alive has taken it's toll on me on more than one occasion. When one day late week I received a call from a restricted number. I did not pick up the call. No message was left. I suspected the call was from my son, (he uses other people's phones) so I had to prepare myself for the next restricted call that may come within the next couple of days. Sure enough, the restricted call came. If I've learned one thing, it's not to pick up those calls right away. I try to prepare myself first. It was my son. Although it was great to hear his voice, I also know he only calls when he wants something. Sure enough, he was asking if I was going to buy him anything for Christmas and his birthday. He specifically asked for a phone. He will be 34 the day after Christmas. He also was inquiring if he could come to the house on Christmas Day. He was high when he called and didn't deny it when I confronted him. He was informed that I wasn't buying him anything for Christmas or his birthday. I offered to take him to lunch. He seemed surprised. I changed the subject rather quickly since I could feel myself weakening during the conversation. The conversation was short and I was not very sympathetic. I really didn't even feel as if I was talking to my son anymore. For the first time, it was as if I was talking to a stranger. It's the same conversation; I tell him I love him and I want to see him get into rehab and start down the road to recovery. If he calls again, I have to decide whether to take the call or not. He is not welcome in my home while he is actively using. I don't want the drugs in my home or the possibility of him overdosing in my home. He also has active warrants for his arrest for failure to appear in court. There is no doubt that I'm struggling with this decision. This will be the first Christmas without him (including his birthday). I don't want to feel guilty about my decision. I had a meltdown yesterday. It's been a long time since I've cried that hard. I guess I needed it. Today is a better day.

  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hon, please think about what a gift would have done. He would sell it for money for drugs. You dont do him favors buying him a phone to contact dealers either. You did the right thing.

    He is way to old to be expecting gifts while he does nothing to stop using drugs.

    Try to enjoy yoir holiday. Do you have other loved ones and good friends? A SO?
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018
  10. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Shelwith.. hopefully a moderator will move this to its own thread in sub abuse forum.

    You're doing the right thing. Wish I could say that it gets easier but missing my addict on the holidays hasn't for me. Mine's in prison so he's warm and getting meals. If I sent a chunk of money what would he use it for? I can guess, he's still an addict and its still available.

    Yes, they sell gifts and steal anything they can from you. I'd like to think mine would want to come home for a Norman Rockwell moment. But I have been down this road too long.

    If it helps any, imagine if the situation were reversed. I haven't been well. Mine don't call to ask how I am. Even when asked to stop by to help they don't /wouldn't. So while you agonize over not talking to him, does he about not talking to you? Does he deserve your concern? Does giving birth to him require you to put this level of stress on yourself? Who are you helping by agonizing?

    This thread is about taking care of yourself. Are you taking care of you?
  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should ask him what he got you for Christmas and your Birthday. I struggle with this as well Christmas has always been a big deal. Mine had a big court date last week and his lawyer told him to wear a suit. He asked me to buy one. I made him choose one on sale and said Merry Christmas.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think you did exactly the right thing. You let him know you loved him, would like to see him and take him for a meal but set important and appropriate limits!
  13. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Shelwith- make your own plans for the holiday. It might be different from what you're used to, but that doesn't mean you won't enjoy it. For years I have made plans that I will enjoy and don't worry about what my daughter's plans are. I usually plan a get-together with family and/or friends on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is MY day. I spend the day taking a hike with my dogs and going to a movie. While that might sound blah to other people, to me that is the perfect day. I don't do anything I don't want to do and if I want to eat cake and drink wine for every meal, then that's what I do. I have come to really look forward to my own Christmas celebration.
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  14. Shelwith1L

    Shelwith1L New Member

    Thank you so much to all of you for your support. I'm so grateful to all of you and my counselor. You're right. My son hasn't remembered me on my birthday or Christmas for a quite some time. My son was arrested in the early hours of Friday morning. Charged with retail theft and outstanding bench warrants. I received a collect call from the county jail from my son requesting that I bail him out. I told him "No." He said, "Are you really going to let me spend Christmas and my birthday in jail?" Finally, finally, the judge set bail. My son pleaded with me to bail him out. He said bail was set at $250.00. I was not bailing him out. His ex-girlfriend contacted the jail only to discover that bail is set at $9000.00 straight cash. He is currently in the detox unit. His next hearing is on 12.19.18. I'm hoping that he is mandated into treatment. I plan on writing to him to let him know that we support him when he gets into treatment and on the path to recovery. I WILL STAND STRONG.:hapydancsmil: