Rough Weekend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheWalrus, Apr 3, 2016.

  1. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    After several weeks of progress, it all fell apart again. Dear daughter went to court on her drug charge a couple of weeks ago and got very, very lucky. She texted and said she used her disability check to pay off her fine and went to her surgeon to set up the last phase of her physical recovery. That was Wed. I was starting to relax a little. Not think she had recovered or was past the worst, because I have had that rug pulled too many times, but but thought she was at least creeping ahead and making good choices.

    She was arrested for drugs and shoplifting this weekend. So now there is no doubt she is using again and it is escalating. She bailed herself out. Roommate is done and kicked her out. Boyfriend is done and ended it. She lied to her dad, hasn't contacted me at all. She has moved in with a relative who already knows he can't handle her and is worried what to do when she blows up or does something she shouldn't. She has burned almost every bridge and is about to run out of sympathy and handouts.

    And now I am going to be blunt. She needs institutionalized. She is in no way capable of making proper decisions or taking care of herself. But as an adult, she can hurt herself all she wants. The only place she will get to is jail. She needs drug and psychological counseling. She needs isolated from everything she knows and a chance to see the world differently. She doesn't want it. She says she doesn't have a problem. I know she is probably going to end up homeless. I also know I will probably be the one to bury her unless something drastically changes. That thought takes my breath away, but it is there. She almost died once - not even 6 months ago - and it did not scare her. It is a miracle she is alive right now. And she is back to what she was doing and it is escalating.

    I believe there are some people who have no rock bottom. There is no consequence or loss that is great enough or frightening enough for them to change. They barrel through life, headed toward the cliff with their foot pressed on the gas as hard as it can go. Nothing makes them hesitate, slow down, much less stop or turn around. I fear my daughter is one of those people. And she gets closer and closer to the cliff each day.
  2. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    This is the exact place my son is in. The people in jail think he's just a bad person - which he might very well be and I refuse to see the sociopath. Even in jail now he has gotten in several fights. He won't wake up to take his medications in the morning and they will just put "refused" from a medical standpoint. Unfortunately we as a society place their free will above everything else when it comes to mental health control. Most mental health people tell me that around 27 years old the frontal lobe fully forms and their might be a chance that they can connect consequences to actions.
    Seeing someone go full speed ahead on self-destruction is so painful - especially when it's your own.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Fears are not realities. I worked in prisons many years. With people like your daughter. Actually, most of them were like her. I have hardly ever met people who do not learn. If she needs to go to prison, so be it. She will learn there. I have never met a person who does not have some kind of bottom.

    I hate to be brutal, but what in the world can you do to stop her? As long as you or anybody else is there to take the consequences or part of them, she will not learn.

    From my experience the fear must be faced. Your fear. The way I see it is that it is about protecting yourself right now. Making it so that you can get through your days and nights. It is not about her, right now. She has shown you in every single way that your support is not what she is seeking. She does not take into account what you want.

    I would do my best to insulate myself and to make it clear to her what your conditions are to have any contact at all. If it is too painful perhaps you might want to limit contact altogether. It gets to the point sometimes where our children's relationships of necessity must be between themselves and the system. It sounds as if your daughter may have gotten to that point.

    I am so very sorry that it has come to this. You have done every single thing that any good parent would have done, could have done. Except to take care of yourself.

    Let me sum up in this way: Your thinking that she may be one of those people without a bottom is not helping you. Whether she is or is not one of those people will be decided by her. What she does or does not do, or learns, is not one bit within your control. Your fears are yours. They only serve to frighten you. If there is a way that you can calm yourself, it would be a good thing.

    Remember. Suffering for her will not help. Some of us (me) have the irrational sense that if I suffer for my child, it will help. It does not. It only makes me suffer.
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    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I found this to be true. In prisons there is a steep drop off among men, in recidivism right at 27 to 28. Like a cliff.

    When you ask them (I did), they say something like "I got tired of it" or "It wasn't fun anymore."

    My son is 27. You cannot imagine how much more he is trying, how changed is his attitude. It is almost 2 months that he has been living in my home. Almost I cannot believe it. He is working for us most days. He just enrolled in several online classes. We will see.

    Have hope. It doesn't cost anything.

    Take care.
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you are hurting. I agree that its time to focus on your own mentsl health. in my opinion a therapist can help you and you deserve that.
    Many good vibes in your direction.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Walrus, I am sorry for this latest issue. I am glad you were able to get your feelings out here, that is good. Vent away, you are entitled......
    I have found in our situation that right when I start to feel a bit better, stronger and relaxed, boom, that's when the :poop: hits the fan.........I have to remind myself to brace for that.....I think it would be next to impossible to not be a little effected and feel the need for a vent or rant and that's how I see your post. You have picked yourself up before and brushed yourself off right quick after other episodes, and I am sure you will do that again.
    Up, down, up down.....when does it end? I think we get to a point where we hit rock bottom from all of the heartache and stress of this, and try to find ways to lessen the emotional blows.
    But, again, I see you doing this in your posts Walrus.
    I think it is awesome we have this place to bounce our greatest fears and worries, even anger around and get it out.
    Then afterwards with all the responses and understanding, we can heave a big sigh, brush ourselves off and carry on.
    Because for a lot of us, this is the only place we come to share this crap.
    Sorry, that's what it is, crap....
    We go to work and hear folks tell their tales of their kids graduating from college, or taking their kids on trips to look at colleges, yada, yada, we smile and congratulate. Yay, Junior is an engineer and Susie is a nurse, and Jill's expecting, blah, blah, blah, somehow our news doesn't fit in..........

    So, vent away Walrus, get it out.

    I am going to have a vent with you.......

    Just imagine we are sitting around the table having a cup of coffee together and you just shared the latest and I am like "Oh my Gawd, I can so relate......"
    Here goes......

    So, Friday I take off work and go to my daughters court case and hear all kinds of tawdry, icky stuff, but I am there to support her.
    Meanwhile, her dad is at home waiting for me, with a fever going up and down, long story short, he winds up in the hospital.

    Saturday, Rain calls her sister and asks why no one is answering the home phone. She is told her father is in the hospital, very sick..... she then proceeds to say she is going to catch the bus down to visit him.

    He waits and waits, and she never shows up........

    So, again, the umpteenth time, people have bent over backwards to support her, but she can't follow through and visit her very ill father. He is the one who has helped her the most and put up with all the shenanigans, made her food, have her shower, wash her clothes.....this is the thanks and appreciation he gets.
    I should have been home taking care of him.......I was at court. For her............

    I can only imagine she is down at the park, griping to people that her parents don't care, kicked her out and it's all my fault......

    I am so mad at her, her choices, this continuing series of bad, bad people she chooses to hang out with. She is 37 frigging years old, so the whole frontal lobe theory does not apply.
    It is meth.

    Yes, she is an addict, but I am with you, where the h e double l is rock bottom?



    Vent over.....that feels better.............

    Im okay
    and so are you.

    You are doing this, getting through all of this :poop:.

    That's what it is a big ole pile of nasty smelling :poop:, same ole, same ole.

    Hopefully, one day it will stop. Hopefully, our d cs will figure this out.

    In the meantime, when the :poop: hits the fan, grab a cup of whatever, sit down and post your heartache away.

    That is what we are here for.


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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wonder if, during a good moment, your daughter would agree to some seripus testing. After I had a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), I had neuropsychological testing, indepth, to see if there was permanent brain damage and, if so, what kind. I didnt, but maybe her Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) changed her thinking and she needs to learn new ways of figuring things out. Also, a neuropsychological exam can help verify borderline, which would at least help YOU know better what to expect from her up and down behavior. Her drug use could be tied to either problem.

    Of course, she would need to accept the offer of help. This would be as much for your peace as her. I believe knowledge is power.

    I really hope this situation changes. It is no fun when a loved one is erratic. We need to be able to know that our loved ones will be the same people each day. It is hard to deal with this sort of duplicity. Many hugs.
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry Walrus. We all feel your pain. The never ending tunnel with no light at the end. Agree Leafy, it is all a big stinky pile!
  9. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Thanks all. I couldn't go to work today. I could not go in and face the whispers and looks of sympathy or judgment. Not today. Because our town is so small, half knew before I did. She was already out before I knew.

    I know to expect her outrageous behavior, bad decisions, hateful outbursts...but just when I think she can't go any lower, she proves me wrong. So like a storm, just when I get rebuilt and begin to relax, she knocks my legs out from under me. The important part is that I don't just lay there. The quicker I get back up, the better it is for me. Some events are harder to bounce back from than others.

    SWOT - She damage her frontal lobe, along with other parts of her brain. She already wasn't rational or responsible. She is so much worse now. They aren't sure if the Borderline (BPD) became full blown from the meth use or the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I personally think, looking back, the meth brought it to the forefront and the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) has jus intensified it. She is not the same person I raised at all. I don't know this person. I am afraid of and for this person.

    Leafy - It is a pile of cap. And I keep stepping in it and dragging it across my carpet. Sheesh.

    Copa - My big fear is because she has had several suicide attempts, one nearly successful, since she started meth. It is worse now. I am afraid she is going to accidentally succeed. That is where my huge fear come from - overdose or successful suicide. She is so, so reckless.

    I will be ok. I always am. I am in my shell for a few days and then I will come back out. I have to. I have a great job, amazing husband, and good friends. I have a blessed life and I won't let anything or anyone keep me from living it.

    But today I am still afraid, angry and sad. I haven't reached out to her and won't. She won't reach out to me unless she thinks there is something to gain, and she knows there isn't.

    Today I am going to be by myself and try to go back to living. I will be full on by tomorrow.
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, Walrus. As parents we never give up hope, but it seems every "up" day should perhaps be a trigger for us to begin practicing our detachment skills.

    I have heard it said and have said it myself so many times..."You just have to let them find their bottom."

    Well, yeah...if they ever would...

    It seems with so many of our d.c.'s they hit bottom and start digging, digging...gotta make the bottom even deeper.

    I wonder, is it determination to self-destruct? Or is it the opposite -- that the only time they ever really feel alive is when they are rushing toward oblivion?

    I watched a documentary called "Meru" about a group of climbers scaling a peak in the Himalaya that had never been climbed. I have always admired those who pursue goals so single-mindedly, but these guys were difficult to watch.

    SPOILER ALERT: They made it to the summit. And in literally a few seconds, you could see the elation to have done so fade to the emptiness that had driven them up in the first place. They were already looking to the next climb. They seemed to me to be tortured souls, people who are perpetually driven to DO IT, not to HAVE DONE IT.

    Perhaps this is why your daughter and my son say the same thing, that they "don't have a problem." Perhaps the stability we see as necessary is intolerable to them. They need to be hurtling out of control.

    Either way, Walrus, this is one of those times that it hurts so much to realize once again that THERE IS NOTHING TO BE DONE except retreat, regroup, and when you are ready, rejoin the people in your life who love you back. And try to remember, as much as we think we want to just have some freakin' CERTAINTY, this is not the end of the story. She might be learning and growing in ways we can't appreciate right now.
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  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I have been reading books lately that seem to deal with a single theme, the need to deny the fear of death.

    There are people who are what is called counter-phobic. Instead of running away from what scares them, they seek to counter the fear, by defying it. I think what they are defying in the last resort is death. They need to keep on defying it, because if we all look in the mirror, we are on the way to dying.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Walrus - I'm so very sorry for all you are going through. Be very kind to yourself today.

  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Nobody matters except you and these people. The rest? A Greek chorus who may well want us to steer the wrong way. Because they have.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Walrus, I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) for you!!

    I agree with you. This is how I feel about my son. I think part of the problem, for my son anyway, is that he never owns any responsibility for his actions, it's always someone else's fault.

    It's good you gave yourself a day. I have learned over the years to let all those looks and whispers just roll off my back. I actually find those who need to gossip rather sad.
    Rise above it.
    You are a warrior and have the battle scars to prove it.

  15. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I spent today cleaning my deck and sitting outside, reading. I love my home and my yard, and my bliss is when the sun is out and I can be outside. I just kept looking around, thinking how blessed I am, how many good things I have in my life. I hate that my child doesn't have this kind of life, but I have to accept that is because she doesn't want it and doesn't pursue it. She pursues things I can't understand. But I can't let her choices rob me of my joy. And I have so many things to be thankful for.

    I am going for a walk with a good friend this evening. Another of my joys. And she knows the whole story, has watched it play out over the years. She is the first to call and check on me, support my decisions, and remind me that I can't change things that aren't in my control.

    It probably was wrong to miss the day - I missed so many because of her accident and then getting worn down to the point I got sick several times this winter - but I am glad I did. My house is where I always feel the most peaceful and happy, and I needed to remind myself of all the blessings I have so that I can stop focusing on the shadows.
  16. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    So sorry Walrus...continue taking care of you. Hugs
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This could be a on T-Shirt :tongue:

    Maybe, maybe not - I call it a mental health day.

    I'm so glad you were able to have some time to yourself, to reflect on your many blessings. How wonderful to have a friend that understands and who will go on walks with you.
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