Sad day vent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Farmwife, Oct 11, 2010.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    difficult child is taxing every last ounce of my patience. I feel like he has beaten me at some twisted attention seeking game because all day I feel like I am monitoring him like a high end personal assitant to make sure he is feeling well and coping. In spite of assurances that he feels fine it does not show outwardly. He is still the usual dark, miserable to be around person who I cannot stand to deal with. I'm just tired of being afraid of his rages and walking on egg shells. Then, to top it off I suspect that I should have been locking the cabinets again because food is "missing".

    I'm just so sick to death of the revolving door of his abuse and the way I always feel just plain awful anytime I am near him. Life always seems to be so peaceful without him but then I feel guilty because it is hard to let go of a dream of a normal family and I feel as if I have failed him.

    difficult child had his counseling appointment today. The guy he sees is very unorthodox but brilliant if you can get past his eccentric personality. The guy asked difficult child certain questions such as where he was as far as depression, then seperaetly about anxiety on a 1 to 10 scale. Both times he wrote down what he thought difficult child would say and showed me while I made my own secret guess. Both times I was waaay off base and the psychiatric had the EXACT number out of a 10 scale that difficult child chose. Then the hard part came, he explained some old school shrink who had a theory that everyone had a single person who just drove them crazy and in the docs life it was one of his kids.

    He asked difficult child who his person was. I was fully prepared to be who he picked because of how badly we get along. His actual answer was heartbreaking, he said it was husband/stepDad. I guess I understand the whole step parent/unruly teen dynamic but still. husband has been a better Dad to difficult child than he has ever known. husband has loved him and stepped up through some very hard times, payed enormous mountains of bills and tolerated abuse that non one should have to and in the end he never complained even once. husband's health has suffered greatly over the past two years of stress, I am positive difficult child has robbed him of a few years of life in the long run.

    I am just so disgusted with difficult child that he can be so petty and selfish and essentially use such a wonderful man as if he were trash. It's like he is throwing a 6 year olds tantrum because of his Mommy and birth Daddy issues...I don't know. I am just devastated by the fact that the best man I have ever known did so much for this spoiled rotten brat that he will never once recognize or understand how good he had it or how badly he poopooed on this innocent man who never had any obligation to deal with him from day one.

    I feel bad for husband because if he knew this would break his heart and he has already done more than he ever should have and put up with more than he ever deserved. I am offended on his behalf. difficult child has treated us like we are dirt for almost 4 years now. I'm just tired of trying to make it work. I just want to move on and lead a happy life which only seems possible without him. Anytime someone finds some peace around here he finds some way to destroy it.

    His selfish games and self sabotage are working. He has pushed both husband and I beyond our breaking points and it's getting to the point that we have to protect ourselves. Our own survival instincts are edging very close to us losing any feelings of love and just following through on legal obligations to a minor.

    difficult child is just a horrible person and after so many years of living under his anger we find the few moments of the sweet difficult child hardly worth the effort anymore. It's just our weakness and leverage to break our hearts all over again. If he were any other person to me besides my own child I would have long since cut my ties to him permanently and never looked back. I hate to say that because I take parenting very seriously. I'm also tired of feeling dead inside because he is in my life.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    you have been thru alot the past week. alot. and i stood in amazement at your coping skills. yet at some point the sh*t has gotta hit the fan. and that is today for you. dont' ever feel guilty for how you are feeling about your child, the negative feelings. i'Tourette's Syndrome totally normal and it's going to happen. you have been down a bad bad road with him. i'd be more concerned if you weren't feeling this way.

    i'm heading to a therapist this week for me to support thru my difficult child nitemare. have you gone to one yet? sometimes it helps to pay someone to listen to us lol. i'm serious plus they give a way of helping us organize our thoughts, priortize and basically provide a support that ppl close to us simply cannot.

    dont' get me wrong not saying you need help etc. just saying having a t helps get thru junk like this.

    what's your next step with-him now? is he still presenting as manic also??

    ((hugs)) and go have a good cry somtimes it helps alot.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Don't feel bad for feeling the way that you do. I have had my days when I just wish that someone would take my difficult child away from a LONG while so that husband, easy child, and I could have some semblance of a "normal" family. Have you thought about seeing a therapist just for yourself? It will make a world of difference to have someone who you can say absolutely anything to, without feeling guilty for saying it. You need to be able to say what you are feeling, or else it just builds up inside and has no where to go. You are the only one who suffers when that happens.

    I know that the words "I know how you feel" are only words, but I really do understand. Some days are just bad ones and you feel like you are being pushed to the end of your rope. Today is that day for you. Think about the therapist. I could really help.

  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I know. Believe me, I know. I lived it for years. I'm grateful that my Hubby loved me enough to deal with Miss KT's horrible awfulness during that time...I don't know if I would have put up with it if the situations were reversed.

    It DOES get better. Many, many hugs.
  5. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Maybe his answer has a different meaning than you think. I don't know your story but does he have his bio-father in his life? Maybe he picked husband as that person that drives him crazy because it reminds him that his own father is not there --like your husband is. Could difficult child have some hidden hurt in this area?
  6. zba189

    zba189 Guest

    Your first two paragraphs really hit home for me. You expressed much better than I could how I have felt these last few days with my difficult child. I know my difficult child is much younger than yours and I know I'm just headed down the path. I feel bad because honestly at this point even when there are small glimpse of goodnesss, I struggle to see them because I'm either waiting for the next issue or I've fallen too far down the hole due to the last issue.

    What I'm hoping will work for me is to be honest with myself. Too often, I've felt guilty about what I sometimes feel about my difficult child but part of having a different normalcy is having different feelings for my difficult child than I do for my PCs. That doesn't mean that I don't love him, I just feel different for him than my easier to raise kids. I have also decided that I can't do it without some therapy for myself, that was hard for me to admit but there is no shame in needing some help. Heck, I want difficult child to be able to talk someone and listen to what advice they give him so I better be willing to do the same for myself.

    It's so much easier to give the advice, "take care of yourself" to someone than it is to do it for yourself but it's important. All I can really say to you is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life with your difficult child is not all what you pictured it should or could be. I'm sorry that you've done your best and that isn't enough but be proud of yourself for doing your best because in the end that will hopefully bring you some comfort.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I would have never known any one else felt this way about their child, too, until I came here. I could write your story verbatim here including the resentment for husband. difficult child has always resented husband even though he legally adopted her at age 2 and has been her only dad. He has shed so many tears over her, put up with SO much **** from her. It deeply pains me when she is mad at him and says he is not her father. It's not always, just when she is angry. But it infuriates me.
    She gives the whole house a feeling of unrest. When she was here it was constant tension. Everything is an argument. She has always been that annoying child that pushed every one's buttons. It's sad. It is not the relationship I dreamed of having with my daughter. I don't want to be annoyed by her, walk around on eggshells around her. It's not fair.
    I am sorry you are having to live this way, that any one of us are having to live this way. They are very unhappy children. They can't possibly enjoy living the way they are, either. Just wish there was some kind of a cure!
  8. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    I haven't been reading here lately due to own overwhelm (hard for me to look at computer screen when overwhelmed) but I could have written every word of your post.

    Also I think Jules made a good point about your difficult child's feeling about husband -- your difficult child might have a hidden hurt, anger or even rage about his birthdad, or about himself, like he could never measure up to husband, or whatever. I know your vent said you're sick of dealing with all the adoption stuff and I fully understand that, I'm just thinking that this line of thought might ease up some of your hurt about what difficult child said about husband.

    Again, you wrote my vent for me (((((((((((Farmwife)))))))) You're not alone

  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think even PCs are driven crazy by their step-parents at that age. I know I blamed a lot on my step-dad at that age. BUT my step-dad is the one my kids call grandpa, the one who walked me down the aisle and the one I am thrilled is growing old with my mom. If difficult child does say something to husband, reassure him that he is a great step-dad and that this phase will passs.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'd just like to add another thought re the husband comments. This could also be a bit of jealousy. Growing up, my difficult children were extremely jealous of anyone else important in my life. It didn't matter how good someone was to them, or how kind they were, that other person was in their way as far as they were concerned, and taking attention that they wanted all to themselves.