Same song, different title

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sad Cindy, Jul 20, 2018.

  1. Sad Cindy

    Sad Cindy New Member

    My 35 yo daughter has gone downhill for years, in spite of many interventions. She lost her 11 yr marriage 18 mo ago for lying and stealing. Like many here we have thrown lots of money at her issues to no avail. We moved her here from Fl just over a year ago. We could no longer support her there. She has stolen our credit cards. Has worked maybe 3 mo in 18 mo. She had moved back in and stole several hundred dollars and some prescription pain medications. Then lied and said it wasn't her!! She left and moved back with boyfriend. He's a decent guy, trying to save her,but she manipulates him as she did me. She sees a counselor but that only helps if you tell the truth. In spite of this I miss her or the way I wanted her to be. I stumbled on this forum and it really helps, makes me not feel so alone. I was/am a good mom, just don't understand
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    I'm so sorry @Sad Cindy

    Your daughter has her own life journey, and you have yours. Please do not let her poor choices derail yours. You cannot fix the outcome of whatever she chooses to do.

    Hang in there. Hopefully others will come along to offer your their support.
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry for your need to be here but welcome. My son is about the same age. He is not aloud to stay with us and needs permission to be at home. You didn't say if your daughter does drugs or has a mental illness? Either way she is old enough to run her own life. There is an article under parent emeritus on detachment. If you want her back you have to let her go so she can figure out how to be an adult. It is very hard and we all slip. But we need to have boundaries that we don't break. It might help you to go to a councelor for you. Prayers are with you.
  4. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Welcome, though the reason for you being here is not happy one, you will find a community of people who are compassionate, nonjudgmental, and have much wisdom to share about navigating rough waters of Having a difficult adult child.

    I have three children, two of them difficult, and my heart has been broken many times. What has been most difficult but most important to learn is Detachment, boundaries, and self-care.

    It doesn’t mean I don’t love my children, but nothing I have done, either from taking them in, Throwing money at the problem, or allowing them to treat me badly has saved them. They must save them selves.
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hello Cindy,
    Welcome to this safe place. Folks here understand, as we have been through similar trials. This stuff is certainly not easy. A good place to start is to read (and re-read) the Detachment Article at the top of this forum.
    (Here is the link to it > Article on Detachment )

    It sounds like you understand the situation and your need to detach.
    This is one of the hardest things to come to grips with. Our children are now adults, and many have grown into different types of personalities that we would not normally choose for friends and acquaintances of our own. We need to let go / to lose our dreams and expectations of what we wanted them to be and had hopes they would become. Those were our dreams / not theirs. They must find their own way. For me, I think fretting about losing expectations comes from a determination to want our own way.
    You are right. We do not understand. Can we ever understand another person fully? They have their own thoughts, bodies, and souls, and make their own way as they understand themselves. The loving detachment is needed to set both them and ourselves free to make our own lives.

    Surely, we may miss these adult children / may find it hard to let go, but it is necessary loss. They are no longer the small charges we were given for a season. While we will always love them and want the best for them, our purpose now is to set boundaries to care for ourselves and learn our own strength and peace. Only this will in turn help them.

    Take care. Stay with us here. Their is a wealth of wisdom, support and strength on this site. We are all in this together. This is hard stuff, but know that you are going to be alright.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Sad, Welcome aboard!

    I'm sorry for what you have been through with your daughter. You have done all you can for her and at 35 you should not have to be doing anything for her.

    I'm glad you found this site. It has been a life saver for so many. Trying to understand our difficult adult children is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, just about impossible.

    Some things that really helped me move on was to stop seeing my adult son as my sweet little boy. I started seeing him for the adult man he is. I also had to go through the grieving process. I grieved for all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I grieved for the life I wish he could be living. This really helped me to let go.

    It's not an easy journey to be on but we are here on this site for each other. You can come here for support, to vent or to support others.

    The best thing you can do is to take care of you. So many times we become overly involved in trying to rescue our difficult adult children that we lose ourselves. We stop taking care of ourselves because we are giving all our time and energy to our child. Be good to yourself, take time for yourself, do things you enjoy.

    I'm glad you are here with us.

  7. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    So sorry to hear your heartbreaking story. It is all too familiar. Glad you found us here.

    I felt the same way with our daughter. I used to think she missed out on a "normal" childhood. When I posed that statement to her psychiatrist years ago, he told me that she didn't know any other "way to be", so she couldn't compare her life to anyone else's.

    Self-care is so very important. I'm finding it difficult to transition from being the "in control" person (technically being an enabler) to the person who lets her adult child make her adult decisions and corresponding adult consequences. We're in the middle of another crisis and I still struggle, as you are. And I think we are all worried that we haven't been "good parents", even in spite of raising other functional and law-abiding children.

    Your daughter will drain you: emotionally, physically and financially. Please don't let that happen. Find time for you and your significant other. Do not be afraid to make happy moments, even if it is just going out for dinner, for a walk or to a movie.

    Hugs to you.
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