Saw difficult child today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband and I met her at an exit off the freeway to give her a ham I had in my freezer. She has no gas, no food, no money and no job. She was suppose to do community service today but instead slept in. She looked awful, her breath smelled from stale alcohol and her hair was a mess and her face was all broken out. It made me cry.

    I am so sad. I almost think it would be better for her to have to go to jail if she doesn't have her community service completed, which I'm sure she won't. But they will just extend it, no room in jail for petty stuff.

    I have a pit in my stomach and can't sleep but she sleeps in without a worry in the world.
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{Hugs}}}} dear friend. I wish we could meet for tea. Please know that you are not alone. I too have may sleepless nights and a stomach often in knots over the choices my son has made. I am incredulous that I am the one who fret swhile he shrugs it off. I don't have answers or insights. I so hoped that he would be the one fretting and nauseous -
    and that HE would be the one to worry what will become of him. Nope, still just me. I feel like he is in a free fall without a care in the world and I am beginning to realize he may never care; never worry; never add up his choices and take responsibility for the results.

    please know I am not trying to make this about me- just expressing my simpatico - I don't get it either. And I worry while he fiddles watching Rome burn
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Nancy I am sorry. She has to be the one to figure it at this point. Do something nice for yourself.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for you and your husband. I am so grateful that I have not walked in your shoes. The arrests, the jail time, the brain injury, the court dates, the photos in the newspapers etc. NONE of it could be as painful as meeting your child at an intersection passing off a ham. Geez I hope she knows to cook the blankin' thing! You remain in my prayers. Hugs DDD
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sig please know that I appreciate and welcome your comments and it helps to know you truly understand. I told my husband today through tears that it is so apparent difficult child's brain works so differently than ours and I truly don't think she ever worries about anything. And perhaps it will help her survive if she does have to go to jail someday. Trying to understand how she thinks is as impossible for me than it is for her to care about tomorrow today. And so I just wish I could turn off my worry, lay my head on my pillow and sleep at night without tossing and turning and waking in a panic. I honestly dreamt about her all week, not really a dream just like semi conscious because I never really fell asleep.

    I wish we could look inside our difficult child's brains to see what it is that makes them the way they are because neither of them have any care for what their future holds or what roadblocks they are putting in their way.

    DDD it's already cooked.
  6. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Nancy, I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I hate that you are not able to sleep, worrying about difficult child, and she sleeps not realizing your concern. I hope she can find her way soon. I agree jail may be a good place for her. At least she would be sober for awhile. You are good mom to give her food. My heart breaks for you. HUGS
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw, Nancy, I know how much that hurt you. Seeing them strung out is the worst. I'm not sure that she doesn't worry . . . I think that when she does she drinks or takes something to make her forget. That was how my difficult child dealt with things. If something hurts or is scary you just get drunk or high and it doesn't hurt anymore. It became a vicious cycle, the worse things get the more you drink.

    I'm another one that thinks there comes a point when jail is preferable to living life on the edge.

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh, Nancy, this is just heartbreaking. Their brains do work differently and it is so very hard for us to even begin to understand how they process things. I've heard so many people say that they had to hit bottom before they could begin the process of recovery. It's devastating to watch this happening to a loved one, yet we are powerless. Please know you are not alone.
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Worry is too insignificant a word for what you are experiencing, Nancy. My heart is with you. difficult child's are amazing survivors, though. Please try to remember that, and I continue praying she seeks insight and constructive help. Try to get some sleep when you can.
  10. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Sorry Nancy that she just does not get it and how her choices impact her family. Hugs to you for your hurting mommy heart. It is so hard to watch our difficult children make wrong choices in their lives.
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Heartbreaking. Sometimes I feel like my difficult child is the victim of a terrible cosmic failure. His personality and choices make it worse. Sometimes I want to scream at the fates that made this difficult child's reality.
    I know you feel similarly.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Nancy. some of my responses (like the ham response) just indicates that you can't raise difficult children without mental baggage that brings to mind "what if's" followed by more "what if's". If I had not responded extemporaneously I would have "known" that you already had made sure. Sigh. Hugs DDD
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I know DDD, it's like we have to do all their thinking for them and stay two steps ahead at all times.

    And yes Fran I do feel like difficult child is some sort of victim of cosmic failure. It's isn't fair at all.
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I am so sorry to read this. This is heartbreaking. The worry about where the next meal comes from.....I don't know how you do it. Hugs to you. I wish I could make it better for you. I know you are as detached as you can be, but no detaching stops the worrying. I am sorry.
  15. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    it isnt fair. Its a horrible fate. For her and you. Look how we struggle to stay afloat.....imagine being so young, screwed up mental processes, low self-worth,
    and an addict. Its amazing they survive. She hurts but chooses to bury her feelings and cope other ways that just keep damaging her brain. Our kids are
    Sick and it is a hopeless illness with little sympathy and support. Your a great mom. I will pray for her. I hope she picks herself up and lands on her feet.
    i wish that you could have comfort and peace.......I just know how hard it is.
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am "saying" this in writing even though I've said it in person. It is something that bears repeating: You are, by no means, a failure. You are, in fact, an undocumented success. There is no way for us to know where our difficult children would be without our love, our sleepless nights, our knowing when to help ...and when not to help. All we can know ... believe .. is that we have made a difference. It's not a difference we can chart, but it IS a difference.

    She has a roof over her head. She has clothes on her back. She has love. And all that is because of you, your husband and your easy child.
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Nancy, (((HUGS))) I agree it isn't fair. I know how hard it is to see your child in that position and know that there is nothing you can do to change their way of thinking and doing. I miss my son as you miss your daughter. His choices keep him from me as your daughter's keep her from you. Because even though she isn't in jal like my son she is in a prison of disfunction and substance abuse. It isn't fair that they were born so incomplete that they cannot function as an adult. I often feel as you do, wondering what difference I made in my difficult child's life. Every once in a while I hear a voice telling me that yes, I did indeed make a difference. Other than giving him a good childhood however, I just can't see it. And as Fran said, I too feel like screaming to the heavens. I still hope and pray for our adult kid that they find a better life. -RM
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear of this recent turn of events.

    I don't know the answers...don't know what it will take for your daughter to "wake up" and push forward in a responsible manner. I certainly wish whatever it takes...that it would happen soon.
    I worry about her too. I can relate (from past experience with my difficult child sons') to your sleepless nights.

    hugs and prayers,
    I so hope for better days ahead.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member


    I have been thinking about you and this journey you (and I) are on with our difficult children. You are doing a great job... you are loving her but not enabling her and that is all that you can do. I am hopeful, given that she has come around before, that she will get sick of this life again and want help. For a while there I didnt think my difficult child would ever decide to go for help and get off the street but at least for now he did. I have faith your difficult child will too and I hope it is soon!!!

  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so very, very sorry that you and your husband are in so much pain. I wish that there was a magic wand or pill or fancy shoes to click together to take you out of this nightmare.