Scared and feeling helpless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Rosebud123, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    I am the mother of a 33 year old son. Whom has had addictions such as drinking I'm sure drugs, and believe it or not hitch hiking around the country for the past 16 years. Now he is homeless. Just recently my husband and I "his stepdad" who has been my rock. We let him move back in to save some money so he could get a place of his own. Well that lasted 3 weeks. He is only working 5 hours a day, so he and my husband hada understanding that he would get a second job. Well he didn't like it when I said aren't you going to look for another job today. Well the screaming started. I was called terrible names. So now he is back on the streets. He still has his job thank goodness. I have tried to make him see he needs some professional help. He wants no part of that, meanwhile I am so depressed and anxious all the time. Yesterday he told me he wished he was dead. ...... I am so scared for him. My heart is breaking...any advice from anyone.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I'm at work and busy but wanted to say welcome to the forum. I'm sure if you've been reading around here you'll see there are MANY of us dealing with this, all in differnet phases of the demon of addiction.

    Your son is an adult. We all have to accept that we cannot control their behavior and we cannot let them destroy us either. You are a good mom and love your son. That is evident or you would not be here. We are not responsible for our adult children's lives.

    I just wanted to offer my support. More will be along with advice for you.
  3. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    I am so happy to have found this site. .. and thanks for the kind words. I hear what you are saying. God bless us all.
  4. karisma

    karisma Member

    Hi Rosebud,
    I'm sorry for your pain over your son. It is very depressing, I agree

    My son is also has assistance resistance. He. Doesn't. Want. Help. So, there is nothing we can do because they have a right to decide this. My Difficult Child is psychotic, but I still can not force him. Psychotic people have rights in this country as it turns out. I think it is ridiculous that someone who doesn't know reality is allowed to decide for themselves...but that is a rant for another time.

    If he has been hitchhiking around the U.S. for 16 years, he must have some serious survival skills that he can use to make this situation work out also. So try to take comfort in that.

    Ah yes, I am quite familiar with the old "How dare you remind me what I said I would do that I didn't do...I will teach you not to speak of such things by verbally abusing you". And honestly it did change my behavior. Reminding my Difficult Child of these things never resulted in anything positive. None of my words ever had the positive effect intended on Difficult Child. So I learned to shut my mouth (for the most part) to avoid the fight that would ensue. I am quite sure I did not do the right thing there, but I had to have some peace sometimes. I learned to choose my battles.

    Others will be along with advice and comforting words. I just wanted to say hello and welcome. We do understand and you are not alone in this.
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  5. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I'm sorry for your hurting heart... I can't offer any advice other than to read and post. It does help.

    I am lost myself in this horrible hell we live due to our child's addictions.... I wish I had answers...

    Hang in there and know you are not alone.
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  6. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    Can I ask where people live. I am thinking of starting a support group in my city. Face to face, getting together with other women going through this
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Some will say, some wont. Remember that a big thing about this site is being able to be anonymous. That being said, there are already things like that in place and possibly where you live. Look for Al Anon or CODA, those are the two I can think of off the top of my head.
  8. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

  9. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    I have heard of those. ... I certainly respect people's privacy. And I have a feeling this forum will help me. I am really just a people person lol !! So that being said. As much despair that floods over me. As it has in the past 3 days today I get a text from my son. .. I hope you have a spectacular day. I think he just wants me to give in. I need words of wisdom. ..
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Have you read the article on detachment yet?
  11. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    No i have not
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Good advice... I need to read it again.
  14. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I posted a poem on "Letting Go" given to my husband by a coworker/former addict. It helped me.
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I can't imagine your pain...but we all love our. children unconditionally.

    All I offer is prayers for you, your son, and that his path will be safe. Clarity too...hugs
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi RB, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. It has been a long haul for you folks and your son. Same here. It is so very tiring for us. Sigh.
    This had happened to us too. Open up our home in hopes that it will be a transition to a step up. It was not. Every. Single. Time. For some reason, our two just don't take the opportunity to launch from our home. So, I have learned to say no. They don't like it, but I just can't take one more time of the same ole, same ole.
    I am sorry for this, RB, it hurts when the situation breaks down to this, disrespected by our adult children, in our homes. You did the right thing in having him leave. Unacceptable behavior. Our homes should be our sanctuaries and respected as such.
    Yup, this I have experienced. One exception, I am supposed to help, in their book........and oh, how we tried, and each and every time were completely and utterly taken advantage of, stolen from, rules and boundaries crossed, the list is endless. It wasn't really help they wanted after all, just a place to be and continue as is. As is brought chaos and havoc into my home. Can't and won't do it.
    Dear one, this is a long hard journey we are all on. We have such hopes and dreams for our kids. When they deviate from the path we envisioned it takes such a toll on us. I am sorry for your heartache.
    One thing that helped me tremendously was a video from Viktor Frankl.

    So, as I gave my two back to God, or a higher power.......(they were only on loan to me any ways) I have to become an idealist to calm my heart. They have a meaning and purpose, and they are seeking to find it. Maybe not the way I had envisioned, but there it is. The fact that every time I stepped in to help, didn't really help, keeps me grounded and determined not to go that route again. Reality. My d cs do not launch from my home, they stagnate. The stagnation and consequences of their choices infiltrate the peace of my home, my heart. I am not equipped to deal with the issues they have. There is help out there for them, true help, if they choose it, above and beyond what I could ever do for them. When I have stepped in to help, it just served to prolong the process, prevent growth and learning. This reality has helped me cross over from the desperate feelings, and entering the crazy making cycle of madness. My helping hasn't helped. Anybody. Especially me.
    You matter RB.
    I feel that if we take steps to overcome our heartache and start to change our focus to living well again, we do the best thing for our beloveds. We are showing them by example that there is a way up and out of the pit, the despair, the struggle.
    Most certainly, we have been harpooned and drug down to the depths along with them. It does not help them one bit if we stay in the pit.
    Keep posting and seeking help and advice for YOU! We all have absolutely no control over what our adult children choose. But, we do have a certain amount of control over ourselves, and our reactions and emotions to the circumstances of our d cs lives.
    This takes work and effort to change our mindset. Build a toolbox of books, videos, music and inspiration to help you deal with the journey.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. CD is the journal that talks back. There are so many folks here who are traveling this path, who understand. None of us are experts, just parents like you who know the pain of this. We all have to do what we need to do, to look ourselves honestly in the mirror. What you decide is up to you. Just know that you are not alone.
    Be very kind to yourself and do something for you.
    You matter.
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  18. KatrinaBC

    KatrinaBC New Member

    Last edited: Jul 29, 2016
  19. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

  20. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    Good morning, I am trying so hard to keep my composure this morning. My son text me. Wanted to come visit me and his stepdad. I told him I would have to ask his dad when it would be a good time. His response was. .... I guess you're having your other family over, I simply told him we had plans to go to a movie with our friends. Again he went on a tangent. I replied that I didn't have to explain anything to him and was sick and tired of his jealousy. .. his response was that I have a sucky day and I was dead to him. But not quite so nice. I have blocked him from my phone. ... I am done. .. I don't think I have to be spoken to like that by anyone especially from my child. That was not the first time he has spoken to me like that, but it will be the last time
    Thanks for letting me vent ...