Scared and feeling helpless

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Rosebud123, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry for your out ur pain...hugs and positive thoughts
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It took me awhile to grasp the concept of the addict talking. I could not separate the two. Addiction is desperation infinite. Our d cs in this desperate state will say and do things they wouldn't normally if sober. Understanding this helps me to step back from the pain of it. It does take work because words hurt, theft of time, valuables and our hearts, hurts.
    I try to look at it as an adult acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum, ramping it up and pulling out everything in their weaponry to try to get what they want.
    When we are entrenched and wrapped up tight in the emotionalism of it all, we are hovering on the same crash course as our d cs. That is the machination of manipulating. They want us to be frenetic and distraught, so caught up in the game that we don't know where to turn, what to do, or say.
    It takes work to untangle oneself from the mess of it.
    The first thing is to recognize what is happening. The next, and hardest, is to change our way of thinking and reacting. Inside and out. Our instinct as mothers is to rush in and rescue. We learned to put our own lives on the side to care for our d cs as babes, children. As our children grow, become adults and slip into this path, many of us have gone backwards towards denying our own lives to try and save our d cs from the consequences of their choices. We would give anything for them to be on the right track. The problem is, they don't want to change, and us sacrificing our hearts, homes and lives, does not help. So, eventually we see this. Put our foot down, take steps to change our response.
    Good for you RB. No, you should not be spoken to like that. You are his mother. Many of us have blocked numbers, gone no contact, taken a break from the craziness to get back on our feet. It is a "time out" for us to rebuild and switch focus. It is not selfish to take care of ourselves. Self preservation. During this time, keep posting, keep reading and searching for ways to build yourself up.
    Your son is an adult. He is capable. There is help out there for him, if he chooses.
    We are not rugs to be tread upon. We need to believe this and teach this to our d cs. It is hard, addicts using drugs, use people. They especially target family, because our love for them continues to forgive and try and try to help. Our love keeps us saying yes, but love says NO. No, I will not be disrespected, no, I will not support this lifestyle choice, no, you must become self sufficient, NO, I will not flail and flounder, while you are.
    Then the YES becomes, yes, I will rebuild, renew, rethink, reprogram what I CAN control.......ME. Yes, I will be kind and gentle with myself. Yes, I will build a shield to protect my heart, think with my brain, move forward with my feet. Yes I will do everything I can to strengthen myself. It is not selfish, it is self preservation, self control, self care, self respect.
    These are strengths that are thrown to the wind of addiction. I am seeing that when we are so wrapped up in the desperation of our d cs pathways, we parallel their course of self destruction. It doesn't do them, us, or anyone, any good.
    I apologize for this being so long, but I am writing to myself, as much as I am to you dear. One thing I have found in being here on CD, responding and posting, is the repetition has helped tremendously. The act of reading and writing and trying to put to practice has helped pull me up and out of the pit. I don't want to be there anymore. Life is too, too short.
    If my two decide to linger and languish with this lifestyle, that is their choice. I do them a great disservice by simultaneously self destructing along with them. Of course, this does not mean I am always strong and resolute, I have my moments. But, I am determined to build myself up and live my life.
    I think it is the best thing, to lead by example. Show our d cs by caring for ourselves, that they can do the same.
    I hope you find peace today. Hugs for your hurting heart and hopes for you to continue forward towards taking care of your needs.
    You matter very, very much.
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  3. Rosebud123

    Rosebud123 New Member

    You seem to have some very good insight. So I would like to ask a ? I believe I mentionedthat my son was nasty in a text a few days ago, well this morning he texted saying he was sorry. I am so confused as what to respond back.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Leafy is amazing and able to get her thoughts down on paper in such an insightful way.

    What did you decide to do? My son has never really said cruel things so far but I think anger helps me pull back so for me it is a good shield.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RB you are sweet. One thing I have learned from the good folks here is that we can take our time to think things through before responding. Our d cs live fast drama filled lives but that doesn't mean we have to be caught up in the whirlwind, with instant reactions.
    Less is more for my two. Their attention span to my words is a very small window.....but I am honest with them. I would probably text something short, like " Thank you for apologizing. I have to let you know what you wrote was hurtful and disrespectful. Please keep your communications with me appropriate......or something like that.
    How or even if you respond is up to you.
    You matter.
    I think it is really important to model that for our d cs.
    Your son is 33.
    You have tried to help him and he has taken advantage of your kindness and verbally abused you. He is trying to lord over you, pull your heartstrings and reign you in.
    Take back the reins.
    I think our adult children benefit when we stand up for ourselves.
    Love is unconditional but it does have boundaries.
    I feel like that got squashed a bit in the downhill cycle of my twos choices, and I was lost in the carnage, just lost. Worried and sad and scared and miserable. Guess what? They didn't care, in fact relished in my weakened state and inability to make better choices in dealing with them.
    My Tornados exodus was similar to your sons, a torrent of heart stabbing insults and swearing. Didn't contact me for over six months. I landed here on CD and began posting and rebuilding myself.
    I had had enough RB. So many years and insane episodes. I wanted peace.
    You matter RB, your feelings matter and how you are spoken to, treated, matters.
    Take the time you need to respond to your son. Or not. It is perfectly fine to take a break. You are his mother. You deserve respect.
    Be very kind to yourself dear. Keep posting and sharing, it really helps to know we are not alone. You are not alone.
    Take good care.
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  6. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Rosebud, I feel your pain because I am going thru hell with my GDC too. I am going to stay in touch with the board to help give me strength and focus. I am praying for a solution I will be strong enough to follow thru on. I know I can do it, it will be the most important thing I do in my life, not just for me but for him.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Memedixie, ypu are responding to very old posts. The poster of this one has not been here for ages. To get responses, you may wang to post your story as a new post. Ypu can find it on the top of the page.

    Nice to "meet" you and hope to read your story.