School Refusal

[scaredofhim]

husband and I found out that SS's school refusal escalated last week. He had a history of asthma when he was very young but it has not seemed to bother him in the few years I have known him, he has had no asthma attacks. Last Sunday he told bio mom he was sick and he was not going to school last Monday and when Monday morning came, he refused, she missed work to take him to the dr. The dr. said he had a cold and a cough but proceeded to prescribe and inhaler and steroids anyway and told bio mom that SS had very slight wheezing but he could go to school the next day. So he goes back to school and then goes to the nurse three days in a row and insists that bio mom come and get him and take him home. She picked him up the first day and then his aunt went and picked him up from the nurse's office the next two days. And he was angry about his aunt picking him up. He told bio mom he wanted HER to leave work and come and get him when he needs to leave school. He is very manipulative. Then he refused to go to school last Friday and told bio mom it's because of asthma. Now that the dr. has put that asthma diagnosis in his head he is going to continue to use it as an excuse not to go to school. Bio mom took away all his electronics and said he isn't getting them back until he goes to school. So Sunday night comes and he told her he is not going to school on Monday because he is still too sick. So she calls us wanting husband to talk to him Sunday night, and bio mom told us that SS told her that his dad would not make him go to school if he lived here, and that he gets to do whatever he wants at our house and we never make him do anything, and that husband would never mind leaving work to come pick him up from school no matter how often he had to do it. husband set him straight on all of that and assured him that it was not true, but SS was delusional and still believed it to be so. And he told husband that he didn't want to hear him *n at him. And SS said to his bio mom "what kind of mom takes electronics away from her sick child?" His perception of reality is totally warped and it is scary. husband informed him that he and I would never put up with the stuff he does at his house but like I said, it fell on deaf ears. SS does not believe us. He lives in his own fantasy world. He is right and we are all wrong. husband tried to tell him there are going to be serious consequences for this behavior if it continues. All SS could do was continue to act all grandiose and belligerent on the phone. He truly believes he is smarter than all of us and knows it all, that he is right and we are all wrong. And sure enough, he didn't go to school Monday. Bio mom took him to the dr. yesterday and she claims the dr. said he now has an ear infection but that he could still go to school so she took him to school. She claims she still has not given him back his electronics. Anyway, was hoping to hear how some of you handled the school refusal. He is a big boy...189 pounds and there is no way bio mom can physically drag him to school if he refuses to go. He is more than likely going to fail this year. There is no truant officer in his county but bio mom has been told she can get into trouble if she can't make him go to school. This child really needs to be in residential treatment before he winds up in Juvie...and it is just a matter of time before that happens with the way things are escalating.....

 

[BusynMember]

Will either of you be at risk from him if you try to discipline him? Would he hurt you or even do something while you sleep?

I think this is the beginning of him going to residential treatment. If nothing else, he HAS to go to school. It's scary that he wants to live with you. I'd say no to it. I know he is still a minor, but he's one dangerous kid when he's crossed, which is probably why bio. mom doesn't. She is likely afraid of him. He could be pretty big at his age.

Would he hurt either of you? Bio Mom?

Just my opinion, but I don't think he's delusional. I think he says w hat he has to do to scare/manipulate you/get his own way and that he knows you can't make him do these things. I don't think he is so much gradiose as entirely me-centric. Nobody matters to him but him and he does have a lot of power. Any almost-full-size kid who absolutely refuses to do what you want him to do even if you use consequences and who is a physical threat to you is going to get his own way. It's dangerous not to let him...he is not your average kid who tests boundaries. He NEEDS to be in control and will force the issue.

The police are t he only way to force him to go to school since your punishments don't work and only escalate his behavior.

 

[scaredofhim]

He doesn't really want to live with us, he only said that stuff to his mom to make her think that she is being unreasonable in trying to make him go to school or do anything else. And he is quite delusional. We have seen it many times and it was documented when he was in the psychiatric ward as well. I do think we would be at risk if we tried to discipline him. He is so big he could inflict serious harm. He has already hit and shoved his bio mom several times, broken lamps, punched holes in walls, etc. I do worry about him doing something while we sleep, that is a very big concern of mine although husband doesn't think that would happen. The child is totally unpredictable. If he did want to live with us I would definitely say no to that. I already feel unsafe in my own home every other weekend, no way I am enduring feeling way full time. I am too old to deal with the stress. As you have told me many times Midwest Mom, he is totally beyond what any parent can do for him. It's not safe to even try to get him to comply or obey rules. It makes him violent. I sleep with one eye open on the weekends that he is here. husband is working this Saturday, which means I will be alone with SS all day. The thought of it scares the bejeebers out of me.....

 

[TerryJ2]

Scaredofhim, I am so sorry you are going through this.
You've got extra problems with-the bio mom and step-child issue.
Will you be giving him back any electronics on Saturday? I'd try to plan ahead as much as possible.
Do not show him that you are afraid of him.
I try to repeat the same phrase in a calm voice. Over. And over. It can be exhausting.
"What kind of parent would take away electronics from a sick child?" is sooooo familiar! We have told our son that he is to have NO games on the days he is home sick. It has taken a long time, and he will occasionally still fight us (or mostly, sneak) but he know that if he's too sick to go to school, he's too sick to play video games. That's the statement you can repeat to your son over and over. "It's a house rule. No discussion. Would you like some soup? Another pillow?"

Who is in charge of whether he goes to residential? Is he on lithium?

 

[scaredofhim]

If bio mom does not give him back electronics by Friday then we probably are not going to allow him to bring them here this weekend. He is totally addicted to video games so this is not going to be a good weekend with him. Bio mom is in charge of his medical care, she is the custodial parent and she is dragging her heels on residential treatment. He is not on lithium, which we do not understand. His half brother is bipolar and he is on lithium. The problem is the violence that occurs when you take away the electronics. He has threatened to kill his mother a few times, and has threatened me also.

 

[BusynMember]

In my opinion, he is so far gone, video addiction is the least of his problems. I would certainly address it with a chld who had more hope for a normal life, but it will probably make him a horror for you this weekend. I'm sorry you have to deal with this with both husband and bio. mom not having a clue as to how far this kid can go off the deep end. Only you seem to get it.

I have a suggestion. Lock your door at night so he can't get in. That way you are at least safe when you are unconscious...lol. You can't really see what he is doing if you're sleeping so best to keep him away from you. I don't remember if he likes fires or not, but I'd hide all matches or lighters if he does like fire. This kid, if ticked off enough, could burn the house down. I knew a family whose foster child did just that and then turned to mom, while the house was burning, and asked in a totally normal voice, "I'm hungry. Can we go to McDonalds?" She then had to be held back as she went to choke him. Nobody got into trouble. And he is still a dangerous kid.

Sending you peace and serenity and hoping for a good weekend. I'm not so sure I'd challenge this kid though. It's up to you, but I am not convinced he is capable of learning by losing things he enjoys. I am thinking he is more apt to try to punish you both in very bad ways...

Oh, and I believe he is delusional. All the more reason to be afraid of him. Violence and delusions are NOT good. Maybe he'll start to think you're out to get him and think he has to get you first. Poor kid, actually. He is very sick. I think he does need that 24/7 treatment for his own safety and yours too.

 

[TiredSoul]

Can you tell bio mom that until he gets the help he needs he is not welcome at your home especially when your husband is not there. Will husband back you on that? If not, I would stay elsewhere when he comes for visits. You shouldn't have to leave your own home, but you can only do so much and if bio mom is dragging her feet and Dad won't back you - you have to do what is best for you and/or other children (if that applies).

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, now I remember ... you said his brother is on lithium but he is not.
I'm thinking the same thing--refuse to take him. And if Dad won't back you, leave.
The exchange is an untenable situation.
I am so sorry.

 

[TiredSoul]

How are things going, scaredofhim? Just thinking about you. I'm here searching the forum for help with "school refusal" as my difficult child's anxiety of school is getting really bad. He's been out sick and now I can't get him back.

 

[scaredofhim]

Things are about the same. I asked SS if he went to school all week last week and he said he did, but then I saw where he had posted pics on Facebook in the middle of the day a couple of times last week and he can't do that from school. Plus I recognized the daycare lady's house in the pics he posted, so pretty sure he was at daycare and NOT at school.