School Year Starting Off Badly

[scaredofhim]

Well, so far SS has missed three days of school, (school started Aug. 20) he hates riding the bus, hates the middle school, and refuses to do any homework at all. They are going to start giving him after school detention every time he doesn't hand in his homework and detention lasts until 4:30 and he will have no way home because bio mom doesn't get off work until 5:00. And my husband can't leave work everyday to pick him up and take him home when he has detention, he will lose his job. We tried talking to SS the last weekend that we had him. husband told him in a very direct and calm manner that going to school is the law, that he is too big (he weighs 215 pounds now) for any of us to physically drag him to school, that he has to do his homework, and that if he starts refusing to go to school or do the homework that the consequences will be going to juvenile detention. We will have no choice but to get the law involved. He said he knows that and left the room and went back upstairs to his video games. You see what it boils down to is that SS doesn't think that husband or his bio mom have the guts to get the law involved, but he is wrong about that. Bio mom can get in trouble herself for him not going to school and she isn't going to risk that. Bio mom told us yesterday that SS is crying at school and having panic attacks at school because he doesn't want to be there. He is having panic attacks because he is having withdrawals from his video games due to his severe addiction to them, which no one is doing anything about, not even his psychiatrist. Bio mom has a meeting today with the principal, IEP people, and SS's child psychologist to see if a plan can be worked out to make school more tolerable for him. I don't have much hope that anything they put in place for him will work though. He cares about NOTHING but his video games. It's all he talks about, you cannot even have a normal conversation with him. If you try to talk to him about anything, he swings the subject back around to his games. He is always telling his dad to come look at his new weapon on one of his games. He thinks the whole world is as interested in video games as he is. He has such an abnormal point of view on how life really is. He can't even tell time with an analog watch or clock, and he's 13 years old! Anyway, I fear that this is going to be a really horrible several months coming up, and I dread it.

 

[Wiped Out]

Oh my. I am so sorry things are so difficult. I hope bio mom and the principal along with everyone else at that meeting today came up with a good plan. Let us know how the meeting went!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I would suggest that the IEP/bio mom/bio dad come up with a more creative and, in the long run, beneficial way to handle some of the school issues. Homework not turned in should affect his grades not force him to stay in a place that he doesn't want to be in the first place. I would totally nix that consequence. That would be my first suggestion. The second suggestion is more common sense than anything else - limit his gaming time seems like a no brainer.

During the school week he gets a particular amount of time on the console. Perhaps he comes home, chills out a little, has a snack and then hits the books before he games. Or, he can play for 60 minutes then it's homework time; although I imagine it will be hard to get him off once he's on. On the weekends, let him game on friday to his heart's content but then Saturday am chores (like cleaning his room, some yard work, weekend school assignments, etc.) need to done before he hits the console. I did this with both my difficult child and my easy child. Saturday morning neither did anything social until the bedrooms were clean and their chores were done. You might get some resistance at first, but it needs to be law in both homes. Bio mom and you and dad need to have a total meeting of the minds over this.

Good luck.

 

[scaredofhim]

Things have gotten worse. SS has refused to go to school almost everyday since I last wrote. Bio mom is now calling the police on him and they send the truant officers to the house and they escort SS to school. But the principal says that when he is at school, he does not stay in class. He throws fits and leaves class and goes to the nurses or principals office and sits. There was a bad episode yesterday at school. The truant officers have told him if he refuses to go to school again he is going to be taken down to juvie and go in front of the judge. My husband talked to the principal yesterday, and apparently Bio mom has been sugar coating to us what has really been going on with SS and school. The principal told my husband that in his 20 years in education he has NEVER seen a child as mentally ill and disturbed as SS and has never seen anyone SS's age (he is 13) have violent meltdowns and cry for his mommy to come and get him or beg her not to leave him at school. He also told husband that he thinks SS needs to be in residential treatment. husband told Bio mom what the principal said and she said she can't afford residential and her insurance won't cover it. husband said well then he will have to go through the legal system to get placed in Juvie or therapeutic foster care. SS is more delusional than he has ever been. He really believes that no one is going to do anything to him for not attending school. The principal said yesterday that at this point he is already too far behind on work to pass this year. UGH I am so tired of dealing with this. Everything in my home is in an uproar all the time with Bio mom calling everyday complaining about SS's behavior, yet she doesn't seem willing to do what needs to be done. There are ways to afford residential treatment. She could borrow from her huge 401K to pay for it. In any event, if Bio mom and husband refuse to try and get him in residential, he will be in Juvie soon. That is a fact.

 

[TerryJ2]

So why doesn't someone take away the video games, and give them back as a reward for going to school? Give to get.

 

[dstc_99]

To be honest I think allowing the truant officers to do their job is probably the best idea. If he gets placed in juvie at least everyone is safe. He would hopefully get the care he needs. Honestly i am amazed that Bio Mom actually called the police to make him go. She's been covering for him forever this seems to be her first major step in getting him help outside the family home.

 

[TerryJ2]

After re-reading your last note, and reading dstc's note, I agree with-her. Let the truant officers do their job.

 

[scaredofhim]

I agree with letting the truant officers/police handle it. SS has been told that refusing to go to school will result in unruly charges being filed with the court and him being taken to Juvie. The principal also said that if he refuses to go to do his schoolwork and has outbursts at school that can result in unruly charges being filed as well. So myself, husband, and bio mom have all repeatedly told SS what will happen to him if he doesn't go to school or acts out in school. All he will say is "I know." We have told him that once they take him away our hands are tied and he won't be able to get out of Juvie, he may have to stay there a very long time. And again, all he will say is "I know." His mental illness is so bad, and bio mom always rescues him from every bad situation he gets in so I really think that SS doesn't grasp what we are telling him, I think he believes that if the cops come to get him that bio mom won't allow them to take him. We have tried to tell him that is not the case but he doesn't believe us, I can tell that he doesn't. He has had his way so long and has been running her house so long that he thinks that these are just idle threats to scare him. He doesn't believe the truant officers either. Well he will find out the hard way I guess when they drag him kicking and screaming to Juvie, and he becomes lost in a system that is not going to help him very much. It's just a matter of time before that happens.

 

[Confused]

I agree with the others, at least Bio mom is starting to do something. Denial or fear can play a huge role in us not doing something( me too) but even if he is sent to Juvie but he really needs the mental health taken care of, Im sure the Juvie Center will get him the help... they have to. I hope everything works out for him and your family. Hugs