Seruous topic. My ex and my responsibility

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This has been a big part of my life in the past few days. I will try to make it short but I am not good at short. Please tell me what you think is the ethicsl thing to do for my kids. And my ex. I am thinking of calling his brother who he listens to.

    A few days ago I got a call from Princess. She was about to leave for exs house and told me he had been on the floor for an hour and couldnt get up but that he was coherant. I told her to call 911. She said he told her not to. Both Bart and Princess have a real fear of him. I maay also add that ex has had a very serious illness since age 27. It is a miracle he is still alive at 71. Bit he is six feet tall and 90 lbs. has seriouos osteoarthritislung issues and his memory has been going downhill for a while. I am not related to him anymore so I stayed out of it. He hasnt been willing to sell his two story home in whoch the bedroom is upstairs. And he falls a lot. I digress.

    I got off and called 911 and since the patamedics could not get in and Princess wasmt there yrt with the key they called me back.

    Finally she got there, they went to ER, ran blood tests and sent him home

    I thought it was over. It hapened again yesterday. But this time he had called 911 and told nobody until afterward. Then he called me because he couldnt get in touch with Princess or Bart. Goneboy is another stpry. His wife is a stay at home nurse and he is the owner of his own company and can leave whenever he wants but his cellphone requires a code to even leave a message.
    I never heard of that before. Didnt matter. He wouldnt have cared and ex doesnt like the nurse wife, although at a time like that....

    Finally got both Princess and Bart. Peincess ferls she csn only do what he allows with no pressure. Bart has wnted ex to move to St. Louis a long time because Bart is always available and can leave worl anytime and has a ten year old, not a four year old like Princess. His priority is to get ex a cell phone, which he wont buy. I suggested life alert to ex but he said no. He really doesnt want to spend the money and said so but mu kids, especially Princess, are very stressed. So am I! I dont want him to die because he is stubborn. And the kids.....

    Worse, he never wrote up medical protocol if he is unfit and named nobody to be in charge of his mefical needs either. He has no will, which shocked me, but that is for later. What a mess that will be, but I hope its far into the future.

    Princess is taking him to tje doctor next Wednesday. He cant get in earlier. I told her to please tell the doctor about his menory. She said she would.

    Bart is fuming. He wants ex down there because he would make sure ex got help sooner and he has lots of room for ex to live there on one floor. Bart is pushier.

    Both kept caling me and I am trying to be supportive but I am running out of things to suggest and comforting words. I am struggling but want to at least comfort my kids. But they both want seperate things and to do it different ways.

    Bart should be calling in about an hour. He calls every morning. I dread it. I dont know what to tell him.

    Meanwhile, it is trivial in the face of illness but hubby and I are moving and fixing up our house. So we are exhausted just from that. We are going from apartment to house. The house is not quite ready for the dogs yet. So we just go to the apartment after we work on the house.

    Our refrigerator isnt working. Yes, we can get them to give us a new one but we dont really want them in here until all the boxes for moving are not in the way. So we have been stocking food in the new refrig at the house and eating from coolers at the apartment. It would be funny if the ex stuff wete not stressing us out.

    On tje plus side we are grateful to have family on hubs side that actually do house stuff for a living and did the floors and carpeting for less than $1000. Bless them to the moon. My best friend helps me clean and pick matching accesdories for the house. I am not talented that way but she is and we have formed a friendship I never dreamed I would find again
    I truly love her. Jumper and Hunter help us snd we help them ( we are BOTH moving into houses at the same time,). Bless them too. Sonic is also coming to help move the furniture in on Saturday.

    If not for the house I probably would go to Chicago for Princess and to babysit grand. But Monday our air conditioning guy is putting in central air and the fence guy is finishing the fence. We have to be here. I wont drive to Chicago after my accident and hub couldnt help much....he wouldnt know what to say or do.

    Today is a vet day for one of our beloved dogs.. Dont ask!
    And we are pickingn up our rescue Jackson next Wednesday.

    We cant leave.

    Thoughts please. Suggestions about how to relax haha. Anything? I feel trrrible. I have known ex since iI met him at 18. I know nobody longer and more consistsntly thsn him and I love him as a friend. I am sad for him, for my kids. And Princess gets the brunt of it because she lives there. By default, if you live near the sick person, it mostly falls on you.

    I am done. I am grateful I can vent here. Any wise words will be cherished.

    Thank you and look at the sunshine and enjoy your day. I am going to do the best I can. I feel so horroble about all this and the timing couldnt be worse.

    But there has to be a lesson for everyone in this. I believe that about everything.

    I apologize at the probable horrid typing snd hope you csn understand what I wrote. I am not up to editing.

    Love and light.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I feel for Bart and Princess. That cannot be easy to see their father's health fail and to feel really helpless.
    Darn stubborn men! It would be ideal if your ex would get his affairs in order with an advanced directive and a power of attorney for health and financial decisions if needed.
    What Bart and Princess can do is reach out to the social worker at the hospital to see if they can offer direction. Also, I would start Googling topics about how to talk to an aging parent about end of life decisions. Perhaps they can write a letter to him expressing their concerns, telling him they just want the best for him.
    Sadly, there are many people in the same situation. There is something about facing ones own mortality that makes some people just want to avoid dealing with it.

    I'm glad you are getting closer to moving into your new house.

  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry you have been put in such a difficult situation. Your ex is not your responsibility. Moving is stressful enough without adding on more to your plate. It doesnt sound like ex is helping himself much either. The suggestion for the life alert was a good one. He wont get a cell phone Bart wants him to have why not just get him one . How about one of those security systems that allows you to view from a phone. I assume he wouldn't go to an assisted living facility? I know it is hard but his kids are going to have to get together and make some big decisions and all you can do is offer emotional support. At some point if his mind continues to slip the doctors may say he can't be alone.
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  4. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Hi Swot. It's not fair that this is becoming your burden in any way when you have zero control over the situation. If you could help, you would and you have tried to help even though your help was shot down by ex. Your children need to understand that.

    Sometimes I wonder if when elderly people get really ill, that sometimes they become difficult for attention or to "get back" at their loved ones for some reason. Oh do I have a story about my great Aunt. I called her Leonidas, the Greek warrior King of Sparta, for all the difficulty (understatement of the century) she gave to my Uncle (her son) and my Aunt who are very good people by the way. I think a book could be written about that whole ordeal which lasted 20 years at least. She passed at 95 years old. God rest her soul. However, I really don't know what section said book would be in, Comedy or Horror. Lol. Before she started going down hill, she really was a good Aunt and person and I'm not just saying that. She was a beautiful person and soul and appreciated her a lot for the things she made me and my daughter. I will always remember her that way instead of the last 20 years of her life.

    Anyway, I digress. I think talk to your son about it this morning but let him know with kindess that this is the last time you can speak so in depth about this issue because you have no control over it. The only last piece of advice I would offer to him and your daughter is this: I think you said that your son and daughter are kind of at odds on how they went to address the issue with their father. I would tell them it would be in their best benefit if they could work together and compromise during this situation with their father. Last thing anyone needs is for them to develop hard feelings against each over this.

    Weird. I don't know how I feel about that.

    Anyway, those are my two cents. Try not to stress about this too much.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    Bart would hsppily buy ex s cell phone but he wont carry it around and doesnt really know how to use it and is unwillimg to learn. He has a trac phone but it is almost never on his person. Often it is out of minutes. He never embraced technology.

    Since neither kid has power of attorney, they cant make him get assistamce. My daughter is a gentle soul and cooks for him and tries to do only what he wants. She expects to visit one day snd find that he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. She told me she is prepared. She isnt hopeful. Breaks my mommy heart.

    My son is take charge and wants to pressure him to take care of his needs ( and believes I can pressure my ex to do this with him,) but I cant. He doesnt listen to me. And I dont want to stress him out.

    I am going to call his brother. He is very kind and smart but probably was not told and he is somebody who can help and probably wants to know.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi SWOT

    We are dealing with hubby’s 90 year old parents right now.

    They do take care of their health needs, as far as we can tell, but they are not making all the best decisions on things right now. I believe this is a product of their age and ill health.

    We are trying to get them to come back to this area from AZ, where they have spent their retirement. We almost got them to come back a year and a half ago, but they reneged at the last minute and we dropped it. We have been working on it this spring/summer and they backed out again.

    One of hubby’s siblings was not on board till just recently and it caused a lot of friction. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, etc.

    Now, that person is belatedly on board, and I think it will be happening in the next few months.

    Having everyone on the same page is blessing. I would encourage your former brother in law to take charge and get the adult children rallied around a common solution or a couple of options.

    I have noticed with my in-laws that when people are pulling them in different directions, they just shut down and don’t want to do anything. When everyone is going in the same direction, it kind of feels like, well, that has to be the right thing. At least, they are feeling more comfortable now.

    Even a couple of years ago, they were very resistant. Their son wanted to look at their long-term-care policies, and they wouldn’t let him. And, he is a senior partner at a law firm and does contract law for a living.

    Now, however, we hope our patience has paid off. We will see soon.

    My mother helped me to see this with compassion. She had dealt with older relatives many times and says when you are old and scared, it’s hard to face things and make decisions. One good thing is that she has strongly communicated her wishes to us while she is in a position to do so.

    I would recommend that everyone get on the same page and then be patient and let him have time to process things. Be kind and caring. Maybe he will grow to see things in a different light if he doesn’t feel pushed. It may take a while.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Apple, I am glad things have straightened out for you and your family and wish you all a nice peaceful reunion in Arizona.

    Things got better. I got hold of my exes brother and now ex is in better hands. What a relief.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think it’s really hard for people to see that the roles need to switch at some point, and the adult child needs to take care of the parent, not the other way around.

    He may have better luck as a sibling.

    Glad it’s worked out!
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If Bart would pay for a cell phone, would a life alert bracelet or whatever be any cheaper? If ex would even bother to wear it...

    I'm so sorry this is falling on you to worry about. You aren't his wife and it just really isn't your issue to deal with...though I know you want to be there for your children. But, they're adults and they need to figure these things out. Some day they may need to figure them out for you and your husband. It's the way life works.

    I don't really have any suggestions, only sympathy.

    May I suggest: :wine:
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    ;;;;thanks lil.

    You are right of course :)